Living and laughing

While I think about Brit many times, every single day, we do still make sure that we are fully living with the children we are raising.  I would be lying if I told you I don't imagine how it would be different if she were with us at each activity we go to with the boys, but I do make a concerted effort to be present for the kiddos who are with us.

Here is just a snapshot into the fun from the pumpkin patch/corn maze last night.  (Ironically, the pumpkin patch was out of pumpkins - go figure.)

Laughing out loud - ignorance in open adoption

I am super excited that Open Adoption Roundtable is once again hosting the Open Adoption Bloggers Interview Project.  I just love learning more about other open adoption families and connecting with other mothers.

So I signed on to do it again this year.  I have actually been looking forward to this for a while.  Strange I know, but sometimes a girl just needs something to look forward to. ;)

I got my pairing sent to me and the first thing you are supposed to do is to read their blog so you better understand what their experiences are as an open adoption blogger.

I couldn't be more delighted to have gotten my pairing for this year.  As I sit here reading through her blog, I find myself laughing out loud because I am pretty sure she and I share the same 'broken filter' when it comes to the things we actually say out loud.  I love that she posts like she probably speaks.  It is amazing to read real words from a real person.

But before I leave for a lunch meeting, I just have to share this post with you.  I laughed out loud in my office.  So loud, I am pretty sure that even with my door shut, people are wondering.

Sometimes families just don't get it...

I can't wait to get to interview this woman!

Life in pictures

I just looked and it has been over 3 weeks since my last post.  To be honest, it has been nearly that long since I have really even sat down and read other's blogs.  I feel so out of the loop!

Me and my sister Amber in CA

During that time I have been living the busy life of a sports mom, full time employee and even had a couple of dates with the BF.  Most notably I was out of town in California last week for a full 8 days for a work conference. I got to visit my sister who lives in Hollywood.  I rarely see her so it was great to have a one on one visit with her in her element.  She always comes back here to visit us.  Our visit went really well.  BF was with me for half of the trip and we were able to enjoy some couple time which was great too.  Being away from the boys for a full week was hard.  But everyone seemed to live through it so I guess that is a successful trip!

Yes, we met the Little Person version of Mr. T while in Hollywood.  Imagine that!

At the conference there was a wildlife booth that allowed you to hold snakes.  This little guy is a python who loved wrapping up around my neck and nestling in my hair. 

Nothing new on the adoption front.  I did have a heartbreaking conversation with D (my 11 year old) the other day in the car. Out of the blue he asked me if Brit's parents offered to "sell her back to us" for 2 million dollars, would we pay that?  I told him absolutely, without hesitation.  He asked how we would do that because we don't have $2mil and I told him that when you want something badly enough you make it happen.  I did follow up with him to make sure he understood that we did not "sell" Brit to her adoptive parents.  He assured me that he knew that, but he was just wondering.  Apparently he thinks about how things would be different if she was with us more than I know.

Brit's parents have indicated to us that they are reading my blog so that is another reason I have been quiet for a while.  Apparently some of my posts offend them and their friends from time to time.  Honestly, after reading back over my blog posts I don't find them to be terribly offensive, just truthful perspective from my side of being a birth mother who wishes her adoption circumstances were different.  They were also clear that there will be no more pictures of Brit shared with us if I don't stop posting them.  So for those of you who love the Brit pictures you will just have take my word for it, she gets cuter by the day.

BF and I put together a fall/Halloween gift bag for Brit and both her brother and sister.  I dropped them off at a local business in their town so they could pick them up there.  I just couldn't justify the shipping cost for gift bags with dollar store presents in them.  I did text and ask my friend who works there and I asked if they ever came and picked them up and she said they did.  I'm glad.  I hope the kids like the activities.

While we were in California, BF and I also got Brit and her siblings each a Mickey/Minnie Mouse hat.  We also threw in a sweatshirt for Brit because it matched her hat.  Those items I did ship since I was in CA at the time.  The shipping was as much as I paid for all three hats!  Crazy.

Since I have nothing significant to say I will end with just a few fun pictures from life lately.

The little Princess I watch every weekend laughing in the backseat of my car.  She will be 2 in December!

BF's oldest son is a runner (like his dad).  He just finished cross country season while also playing competitive soccer.

D practicing his most serious football face before a game.

BF's youngest son (blonde on rt) after a football game

D and my niece creating bracelets at a local bead store this past weekend.

My sweet nephew also made his own bracelet.

My adorable niece who has the sweetest freckles you have ever seen.

This is how my boys look most of the time.  Eyes fixed on their electronics.

LanMan (laying across the couch) and BF's oldest son (red shirt  with eyes closed on couch) have the same first hour class.  This picture was taken during class down time.  Looks like fun to me!

A girl in LanMan's class has ovarian cancer (horrible!) and all the kids took picture of heart hands to send to her to let her know they think about her.

Buying a car and adoption

It's funny how when you are dealing with something, everything around you reminds you of your struggle.  Especially with grief.  When you lose someone you love even the air you breathe can remind you of them.  The trees whisper their name.  Dreams bring them to visit.

I find this so true of my adoption situation.  Nearly everything reminds me of the daughter that we do not have in our lives.

A glaring example has been the past two weeks.  I had to buy a new car.  Mine was finally at death's door and my mechanic told me he wouldn't work on it any more because I just needed to buy a new car.

So I did the car lots visits.  I researched online.  I drove several cars for several days.

The new car

Finally, this weekend, I purchased a new car.  Yes, a brand new car.  Something I have never had before in my life, because let'e be honest, who can really afford a new car?

But I did it anyway, because now that I live with BF I have no household expenses and I can afford a car payment.  So what is the problem with that?

The first thought in my mind was if I had Brit with us right now, the money I will be spending on a car payment would be what I would be paying for daycare.

The thought immediately made me resent the new car and the trade off that it represents in my life.

Little Princess playing in the playhouse
at the car dealership

And to top it off, when the kids got in the car after the soccer game on Sunday, BF's oldest son looked at Little Princess (the little girl I babysit every weekend) who I had buckled in her car seat, and said to her "Hi Brit!"  Then he caught himself and said "I mean Little Princess."

I could hardly breathe.

Apparently I am not the only one who thinks about Brit.

She looks alot like me!

Dear Brit,

We got our monthly email update from your parents two days ago.  The stories your dad tells crack us up.  You are a funny little girl and I am so glad he is able to share the stories so well with us.

When I got the email, your brothers were all gone at sports practices and doing other things.  So I sent a text message to them with your pictures.  They love to get the new pictures which they keep on their phones.  They are very proud that you are their sister.

L and Lisa - See, he even lets me hug him!

As soon as I sent the photos, your brother L sent back a text that said "She looks alot like me!".  And he is right.  L had hair just like yours when he was your age.  However, because he is a boy, we cut his beautiful curls off so he had a 'boy' haircut.  However, if we would have let them go, he would have had the very same huge white blonde 'afro' that you do.  Add to it your beautiful blue eyes, just like his and your brother D, and you are very similar looking. (I will admit, that there are also lots of things about you that remind me of BF too, but I'll tell you about that some other day.)

L is the sweetest young man.  Which is strange for a mom to say about a 13 year old boy.  But he is simply amazing.  He is kind, super funny and he loves his family - alot.  At school every girl says that L is their best friend.  I can't believe how many girls and guys both will post on his Facebook page about how he is their 'bestie'.  Makes a mom proud to know that he is so kind to everyone.

And if you were around, you would probably find that he would be your best friend too.  He loves little kids and they love him because he plays with them.  The little girl we watch on the weekends is desperately in love with L.  She follows him through the house.  He carries her all around.  He plays hilarious chase games with her.  They are a blast to watch.

So I hope that maybe you will also get the same sweet and charming temperament that L has.  Because he is and has been a great kid and I expect he will be an amazing adult someday too.

We all love you very much and think and talk about you every single day!  The boys and I can't wait to get to know you better.

Three years ago

This Saturday marked a three year anniversary for me.  I put the day on my calendar right after it happened, because I knew it would be a life altering day for our family.  How right I was.

D sleeping off whatever ailed him in 2009

Three years ago my youngest son was in the hospital.  At the time the doctor thought he had meningitis.  He had a high fever, extreme headache and slept for almost 3 days.  Because he was only 8 years old, the doctor had him admitted to the hospital so they could monitor him and try to determine the source of his illness.  They never did determine what caused him to be so sick, but in true D fashion, he pulled out of it just fine.  But those few days were stressful for all of us.  Add to it, I was pregnant, my family did not know, and I was wrestling with an adoption decision.

The week preceding the illness, BF and I had met with two potential adoptive couples that we were considering for our daughter (although at the time, we didn't know she was a little girl).

One couple owned a ranch in a western Kansas town that BF had grown up in.  They were a neat Christian couple who we enjoyed getting to know.  They brought us a huge gift basket filled with pregnancy craving items that they had picked up.  They were so excited to be considered as parents for our child.  You could tell that they were giddy with the thought as we talked with them.  At the time, I felt terribly guilty about accepting the gift basket, but I could tell that they just wanted to show how appreciative they were that we had taken the time to choose them for an in-person meeting.  (For HAPs who are wondering; for me, this gift was over the top.  I understood their heart, but even eating anything out of the basket made me feel guilty.  I gave everything in it to my kids, except for the Tums.  I did use the Tums.)

We met with the second couple the next day.  We met them at a Starbucks and it was a very casual meeting.  They did not bring gifts.  They were not polished about adoption.  They were not clients of an agency.  They were a friend of a friend, and they were having a hard time conceiving children and they desperately wanted to be parents.  They did not own a ranch.  They were of modest means and younger than us.  They lived 10 minutes from us and the wife was even in the same field of employment as me.  They too were Christians and they seemed very easy to talk to.  The kind of people we would hang out with.

BF and I drove home from that meeting and knew this was going to be tough.  Both families seemed so kind.  It was obvious how desperately they wanted to be parents.  And with my tender heart, I could just feel their pain and desperation.

BF and I wrestled with our decision.  We had agreed not to talk about it together until a week later giving me time to pray about it, and him time to visit with his parents about their thoughts.

The second prospective adoptive couple dropped off a letter to us a couple days after the meeting thanking us for meeting with them and assuring us that they would be the kind of parents who we wanted for our child.  The letter assured us that they would "raise our child in a Christian home where love, compassion and respect for others is paramount."

We told both couples that we didn't want to leave them wondering too long, and we planned to make our decision by Monday of the following week.

When BF and I came together a week later with our lists of pros and cons of each couple, it was obvious that we were both swayed to the same couple as our decision.  We wanted our child to grow up near us.  We wanted her to have the same lifestyle that our boys were living.  We wanted them to have common childhood experiences that they could draw upon when they had a relationship.  We wanted her to visit the same zoo our boys go to.  We wanted to know which schools she was attending.  By choosing the second couple, we felt confident that all of those things would happen.  So the decision was made.

I told BF that I would call the couple who we chose to place with and he had the tough call to the attorney for the other couple.  (It broke my heart for them, so I let BF do the tough stuff.)  It's only fair since I was the one with all day pregnancy sickness, right?

Then D got sick that night.  The fever went through the roof and I even had my ex-husband come to my house in the middle of the night to help me determine if we needed an immediate trip to the ER.  We ended up nursing D along until morning when the doctor saw us and told us that day that he wanted him admitted.

My ex-husband had left to go to training out of town which left me alone to handle all of the details needed to transport a child to the hospital, get him admitted and figure out what the plan of attack was.

I was tired, stressed out, and had just a ton on my plate.

But all the while I knew I needed to contact the couple who was anxiously awaiting our call.

So when D had been in the hospital for about 24 hours, I excused myself from his room and went to the waiting room to call who was soon to become Brit's parents.

When I reached the mom, I told her that I was sorry that I didn't call the day before like I had said I would.  I explained what was going on with D and she was very understanding.  I could tell by her voice that she was very apprehensive about what I was about to tell her.

I then told her that BF and I had chosen them to parent our child.  She nearly came through the phone.  She said that they were certain they weren't the family when we had not called the day before.  So my call of affirmation caught her by surprise.  She kept saying "I have to call my husband at work!".  Her elation was evident.  It made me happy to know that I had brought them so much joy.

So that is how it started.  The beginning of the relationship that would include Brit's mom being present at every doctor's appointment with me.  Our sonograms together.  The beginning of the life we were creating together for the sake of our daughter.

Three years ago.

Working through it

Been working through the emotional fallout from last couple of weeks.

I did visit the doctor and got medication for the anxiety attacks.  Yesterday I had a string of them (3 before noon).  But as the day progressed, I did better, and didn't have another one at all.  Today I have been anxiety attack free, which is a thing of beauty.

I hope that as the medication increases in my system I will be able to better regulate how my body is processing the chronic stress and anxiety I feel every day.

I am so glad I have an amazing network of friends.  The understanding and concern is overwhelming.  Thank you to all of you who are praying for me and all who are involved in our adoption situation.  I would like to ask that you continue to pray.  Because we all know that prayer can change everything.

So because I need to focus on the things that I can influence and (somewhat) control, I am working on trying to spend less time thinking about what we don't have now, and focus on what I can do to be ready for a relationship in the future.

If Brit is not going to have a place in our lives for a while, then I will make sure we document what we are doing and how we think about her every single day, so that in the future she can know that we always wanted to know her and spend time with her.  Even from the beginning.

Today I had lunch with a friend of mine who has been such a great support to me over the past couple of years.  If you knew both of us, you would wonder how in the world we got to be friends at all.  He is 20 years my senior, a sports writer for a local newspaper, and on occasion he has been accused of being a bit gruff.  I know nothing of sports (except that I sit in the bleachers watching my kiddos), I am young enough to be his daughter and I have never met a stranger.

A strange couple we are.

As we parted from our lunch date, he kindly reminded me that at some point I have to figure out how to tolerate how things are now, because I simply cannot change the situation. (For the record, he is about the 500th person to tell me this.)  I know he is worried about the anxiety issues I am having, and like every good man, if he could fix it, he would.

Normally that kind of advice falls on deaf ears for me, because I am not OK with it.  But today, his fatherly words came on the heels of a quote I read this morning and when I relayed the quote to him as we stood in the parking lot, he looked at me and said "That is exactly right."

So I leave you with these words which I am repeating to myself today.  They have spoken to my heart.