Thursday, July 10, 2014

The annual visit

So many of you have messaged me privately asking about out annual visit, if we had it, and how it went.

First of all, thank you for thinking of us.  It is amazing to me how many people care.

Secondly, yes we had a visit just two weeks ago.  It was great being able to physically be present with our little girl.

Here is the deal.  Being just the birthmom means that I must respect the rules of the legal family.  Which in our case means that I will not be sharing any details of the visit here.

I made the mistake of posting a photo of her and I together on my FB page and saying vaguely to those who know us this was a special day (I did not name her, identify her or even indicate she is my daughter).  I received a swift email back telling me what I am allowed to do and what I am not allowed to do.  Interesting since they are not my FB friends so they specifically stalked me to find them. (I have since completely blocked them per my husband's insistence.)

You see, I am not allowed to post photos or feelings.  However, her adoptive parents are allowed to post public photos of her on their FB page (so this is not about social media security but about control of what I am "allowed" to do, because as we know, I am NOT her mother.)  I am to be quiet and grateful for our visit and wait quietly until next year, when we may or may not be granted another visit.

So there you have it.  I got to see sweet Brit and her siblings for about 3 hours at a public place near their home.  That is all you shall be allowed to know.

I will continue to pray for Brit and a heart of compassion toward me.  Because one of these days, she will be the one making the rules for her relationship with us.  I will also pray every single day that  she will grant me forgiveness for the life of dichotomy that I caused her.

Thank you friends for caring.  And if you email me directly I will gladly chat privately about our visit and even share a picture or two.  As long as you are on my list of "close family and friends only".

To ask questions, please email lisa(dot)nelson119(at)gmail(dot)com.  If you are a woman pregnant and contemplating adoption for her child, I would love to talk to you and let you know the realities of adoption so you might be well informed (which I was NOT) prior to making your final decision.

Much love to all of you who send such thoughtful and kind words and encouragement to me.

PS - My husband and I had extensive talks about this situation and I will be taking his advice and setting up an email account for Brit where I will send her notes and thoughts from me for the next few years. When she reaches an age where she wants to know why I was not part of her life, I will then be able to share with her how my heart longed for relationship with her all these years.  And hopefully the emails will allow her to know how heavy she has been on my heart since the beginning.

PPS - My husband is so amazing and supportive and his compassion and understanding is beyond words.  Thankfully I have his complete support and loving shoulders to rest upon on days when the burden that I know as adoption is more than I can bear.


Alice Anne said...

Your story breaks my heart! I can't even find the words I want to say, but I guess I just wanted to say something, anything so that you know your story is being heard. Loud and clear. As an adoptive mom, it always reminds me that my child is not just my own. Not at all. And that "open adoption" means so much more. You're right, though. Someday your relationship with her will change, when it's on her terms. I sure hope that day comes quickly for you. In the meantime, writing her emails is a great idea. She will treasure those words from you when she is finally able to read them, I'm sure of that!

Aimee said...

I have followed your blog since the beginning. I am an adoptee (in reunion) and an adoptive mom in a WIDE open adoption (as it should be) and your story just breaks my heart. I pray that Brit's AP's will realize sooner rather than later how important you are to Brit's well being and that more love is never a negative thing. I'm sorry that you are made to feel insignificant because you are certainly not. Most common sense thinking individuals would know that our first families matter and anyone who supports and facilitates that relationship will be loved and respected all the more for it. Unfortunately, Brit's parents don't realize that by keeping you from her, they are setting her up to feel like she has to keep you from them when the time comes when she desires a REAL relationship with you. That will only drive a wedge between her and them and serve to make her want to keep secrets from them. Most of us adoptees will attest to just that scenario. I PRAY that they read my message and do what's right for Brit regardless of what's comfortable for them. She will only love them more for it in the long run. As parents (adoptive, biological, foster, whatever), it is our duty to put our needs aside and do what is in the best interest of our children. If prospective adoptive parents or current AP's would just do the research and ask US (the adoptees), they would see that loving relationships with our first families are essential to our emotional psychological well being. What parent doesn't want a feeling of wholeness for their child??
I am leaving my email address in case Brit's family reads this and wants information from an actual adoptee or an adoptive mom in a loving open relationship with her daughter's first family. Please open your hearts before it's too late.

Deb said...

Your husband sounds like the perfect friend to have along on this journey. So glad you have him to support you.
Glad you got to see Brit. I don't understand how anyone can tell you that you can not share your feelings.