Friday, February 21, 2014

Dear Brit

My sweet girl.  It has been too long since I last wrote to you directly.  So much has changed, things that I could have never expected.  Twists and turns that I never saw coming.  Tears of loss and tears of joy.  Through it all you were always at the top of my mind.

Today I want to talk to you about how things have changed between BF and me.  I guess I always thought that he and I would end up together, in a family that would have a distinct missing piece without you.  This is only partially true.  BF and I did not create a family together, but the hole in our hearts and our separate families still exists.  But now, missing you affects two families, his and mine.

Now that BF and I are no longer together as a couple, I want to make sure you know a few important things about BF and me so you can understand the very beginnings of your life.

BF and I got pregnant with you before we really knew each other well. A sad detail in the storyline of your life.  But as time went on, we really did love each other.  I never could understand it, because we were such an odd fit.  Our personalities are exact opposites.  Our interests weren't the same.  But something seemed to keep us together.   One reason was probably because he and I are both tragically nice people who didn't like conflict.  So rather than focus on our differences we just ignored them and pretented that everything was perfectly fine.  Other times I believe that we stayed together as long as we did because of you.  He and I are the only ones who can know what it is like to miss you. I imagine that in the subconcious of my mind being with BF was the only lifeline I still had to you. Whatever the reasons were that kept us together, I know your father loved me and I loved him too.  We just needed something different from a lifetime partner. Things that neither he nor I could provide to the other person.

Know that we tried so hard to stay together. BF and I were on again and off again for four years.  Each time I wondered if I was just trying too hard to hang on to him.  I think there was some truth to that. In the end, I knew that after that many years, if we were meant to be together forever, a permanent commitment should have happened by then.  Four years is enough time to know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone.

During those four years, BF and I made some great family memories with your brothers.  I want you to be able to share in those happy memories so I have created a box for you that is filled with photos from those days.  The photos are of BF and me together.  They are photos of all of your brothers playing together.  I want you to know that we all cared for each other then, and hopefully you will still be able to see that between all of us still when you are allowed a relationship with us.  Knowing all of us like I do, I am sure we will still be kind and loving toward each other in the future.

I hope that you will know that while the romantic relationship between your father and I did not continue for a lifetime, our combined love for you ALWAYS will.

I love you forever and always and miss you more than you might ever imagine.

1 comment:

squaredmommy said...

I love how you have shared this with Brit, hugs my friend, hugs!