The last trip I made to his house was very difficult for me. He has redone his house to remove the evidence of us ever living there.
To make his house more homey, he has added lots of pictures on the walls. (Which he never did while we were there living there. There were no photos of the boys and I on any of his walls. Even after 4 years of relationship.)
I almost couldn't make it through the house. Every picture frame has pictures of his boys and Brit, as if they are all one big happy family.
First, I want to say how glad I am that he has done that. In the beginning he wouldn't even put Brit's picture out in our living areas. At my house, I had photos of all of my kids adorning the walls, including Brit. She had her spot right next to each of the boys, as an equal in the kinship of our family. At his house, she was only evident in BF's bedroom until I finally got him to put a photo of her on the end table in the living room when I moved in.
Now, her precious countenance adorns the walls in BF's living room, hallway and probably rooms I have not visited since I left.
I am glad he now embraces the idea that this is his daughter too.
But imagine the bittersweet that is for me. If he would have embraced that relationship to this little girl 4 years ago, we would be parenting her.
It has been very hard for me not to dwell on that.
Actually, I have to stop myself for letting my thoughts go down that path. I remind myself that I could have spoken up louder and insisted we raise her, despite what we thought were setbacks that she didn't deserve.
These are the things I wish someone would have told me. Why doesn't the adoption world share more about grief, loss, regret, and a lifetime of being changed?
The pictures on the wall serve as a reminder. No matter how many smiles are in the photos, the haunting loss still holds the photo to the wall.
|Can you see my heart smiling?|