I haven’t been able to bring myself to writing to you for such a long time. I have been so sad, hurt and crushed. Followed by healing and pressing forward with a new beginning.
During all of those phases, you were never more than a moment’s thought away. Often you were the forefront of my thoughts.
You see BF and I are no longer a couple. I so desperately wanted to hang onto him because he is my real life connection to you. But that is not enough. We don’t actually have you. And now, I don’t have him either.
But there are lots of times I think of you now. You would be amazed the space you keep in my heart and in my mind.
When I see my hair curl, I think of you.
When I wear the shirt I wore in the hospital after you were born, I think of you.
When I see a blonde headed toddler with amazing curls running around at your brother’s baseball game, I think of you.
When I drive by the farmer’s market where I once accidentally ran into you and your grandparents, I think of you.
When I lay in bed at night, I think of you.
When someone asks me how many children I have, I think of you.
When any holiday comes, I think of you and wish you were with us.
When I see the boys play with the Little Princess that we watch, I think of you.
When I see toys in the store that I know you like, I think of you.
When I shop online, I choose things for you. (Things I don’t actually purchase, but I wish I could.)
Even when I am sleeping, I think of you.
Dear Brit, know that every single day of my life I will think about you, love you from a distance and my heart will continue to long for a relationship with you that we have been denied up to this point.
Just this weekend the new man in my life said to me that he had never told me this before, but he sure wished that you were his daughter because he would have never let you go. He has been a long time friend of mine who I dated briefly before I met BF. After we stopped seeing each other, we became close friends.
I remember how he questioned me several times when I was pregnant with you and asked if I thought I could really do this, and I assured him it would all be ok. I just didn’t know. I had no idea what I was doing to you. I had no idea how it would impact every single one of us for the rest of our lives. I was just so ignorant. And deceived by a society that insists that adoption is nothing but love and happy endings for children.
I will always be so sorry for the choice I made.
Brit, I love you to the moon and back. And someday I hope you know that first hand.
But until then, I will just let the tears flow and know that each tear I shed only represents a minute drop of the pain I feel inside for letting you go.
I love you so very much. And some day dear Brit, you will know it.