Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Before I had my visit with her, my counselor asked me if it helped being able to hold her and see her in my dreams. I suppose the answer to that is not completely yes or no.
Almost always I wake up upset. Mostly because I am waking up and she is going away. Again.
The dreams are so real. I am always still her birth mom, and her parents are there, sharing her with me. So it's not like I am having fantasy land where she was never adopted and we are all living happily ever after as a family.
But the dreams allow me to be present with her. I carry her on my hip. Snuggle her on my shoulder.
Last night was tough one. Great dream. Very real. Hard on the heart.
My youngest son D had fallen asleep in my bed so I just left him there and I slept on the other side. He is a bit of a wild sleeper so I shoved a body pillow between the two of us, rolled to the edge of the bed and dropped from exhaustion.
Sometime early this morning I started dreaming that Brit's parents came over to my house (not my real life house, but it was the one I had in the dream). We just hung out and talked. We were all happy and friendly. There was a strange part where I got stung by a bee. Another part where Brit's dad was too tall to get down the basement stairs - just fragmented thoughts that happen in dreams. But all in all, I was just enjoying time with Brit.
Then it is time for Brit's parents to leave so they pack her up and head out. For some reason (I can't remember it now), they pull back up in the driveway and come back. However, in that amount of time my boys have come home. So they are now face to face with Brit's parents and seeing Brit for the first time.
I was so excited for them. I was showing her off to the boys. And they were loving all over her.
Then D woke me up with a hand to my face as he was rolling over.
It woke him too.
I looked over at him and without thinking said, "I have to go back to sleep, I was just dreaming that you were meeting Brit for the first time."
He sleepily looked at me and said "I wish it were true."
Then he rolled back over and fell asleep again.
Broke. My. Heart.
Maybe he won't remember it. I know I won't forget it.