Valentine package sent

I put together a Valentine package for Brit and mailed it yesterday with the hope that she would get it today, right on Valentine's Day.  Since we are only one town away, generally mail gets to them the day after I send it, so I tried to time it right.

Here is a peek at what we sent.

I hope it makes Brit happy.  Even though she has no idea who we are, I want to bring her joy, even if it is anonymous.

And what little girl wouldn't love a conversation hearts necklace and bracelet?  Or mini jelly beans?  And a new Elmo book?

The boys and I continue to pray that someday we will be giving these small gifts to her in person.  But until then...

We love you Brit.

Unbelievable

Had a busy weekend enjoying the 'new' relationship with BF.  Not sure where he found all of this attentiveness, but I LOVE it.  It is like dating a new man, but with 2.5 years of history together.  I almost hate to speak of it out loud for fear of jinxing it, but it has been so very nice.

So while sitting at one of D's football games this weekend, I receive a text message with photo from BF.  And what is the picture of?... BRIT!

Apparently her dad sent BF this picture of her playing in gma and gpa's backyard.  It is adorable.  But it is the fact that he sent it that is so overwhelming to me.

Brit's dad was thoughtful enough to send a quick text with a picture of Brit to us, unrequested and unexpected.  They have never ever sent us a picture via text before.  All of our correspondence has been via email and according to schedule (for the most part).

But yesterday, out of the blue, a cute picture of sweet little Brit playing in the dirt.  I wanted to cry tears of joy.

That is exactly what I have wanted.  To have the kind of relationship with them that they would automatically thing to share an adorable picture with us, for no other reason than because they know we would love it as much as they do.

Then to top off the evening, we also received an email from Brit's mom with photos of Brit from Halloween.  She sent us pictures, not according to schedule, but because she knew we would like to see them, in response to BF's email to them on Halloween.  She also sent a nice, quick message.

I cannot describe the joy it brought me.

It is amazing how much peace it also brought my distraught soul.  To have an interaction that appears to be friendly and sincere.  I can hardly stand how full it makes my heart feel.

Progress, in the right direction for once.

I am so very happy.

How we got here

A couple of times people have asked me if I have contacted my agency or social worker about acting as a liaison to help me with my desire for more contact with Brit's family.

The answer is no.  Simply because we don't have either.  Brit's parents and I were matched privately, through a mutual friend.  All of our interaction was on our own terms.  Completely unfacilitated.  We had an attorney draw up the paperwork, but that was just a quick meeting.

As far as the "open adoption agreement", we don't have one.  And even if we did, our state does not enforce them.  All open adoptions are left to the adoptive parents to honor if they so choose.  Even if it is written in some type of document, it is unenforceable, because birthparents have no rights.  They are terminated immediately and irrevocably in the State of Kansas.

But following is how we got to where we are today. 

(If you are Brit's family or friends of them, please do not take offense.  This is my perspective.  My story.  And completely one-sided I'm sure.  It is definitely skewed because of my emotional involvement.  There is absolutely no way I can be objective.  Please accept my apology if the following is offensive to you.  It is not inteded to be.)

When we were choosing adoption for Brit, none of us had been down this path.  Our families had little or no experience with it. My first husband was adopted in a closed adoption and has no desire to seek his birthfamily.  I have a friend who has an adopted son who does not have any relationship with his birthfamily.  I don't think Brit's parents knew anyone who had adoption experience.  We were all far from experts.

Brit's mom and I did some online research and read some books.  But to be honest, not nearly enough reading and research.  It was only after Brit's birth and my complete disintegration as a person that I researched intensively.

My statement to them during my pregnancy was that I thought we would just let it go and see how our open adoption developed.  I never wanted to intrude on their life with this child.  I wanted them to feel like they were the parents.  I expected that we would continue our friendship and interaction that we had developed during the pregnancy.  We never talked about visits or had a formal plan.  We talked about it being child driven.

You see, while I was pregnant, we talked all the time.  On the phone, in person and via email.  Brit's mom went to every single doctor's appt with me.  I included her on everything.  I shared when Brit started to kick (we matched very early in the pregnancy), when she was giving me fits at night and we always talked about the silly hiccups she constantly had.

We went to dinner a couple of times with Brit's parents.  We were great friends.

We didn't make a plan, because honestly I never ever dreamed I would need one.

I had made a new friend.  She seemed like she was one of my sisters.  We got along great.  There was absolutely nothing that made me think that would ever change.

At the end of the pregnancy I did say to Brit's mom that I would love for all of us to have a get together before school started again in fall (Brit was born in March).  I thought it would be neat to have Brit and her family get together with us and our families.  Brit's mom never indicated that she had no intentions of that ever happening.  (Looking back now, I think she never intended to get together.  But I don't think she was going to say that to me at that point.)

I should have realized that Brit's mom might not be fully open with me when she declined my two FB friend requests while I was pregnant.  I never said anything to her about it, because I wanted to respect her privacy.  But looking back now I wonder if that should have given me an indication that my interaction with her was always going to be limited.  And please don't take this as any kind of accusation.  I know she chooses to be private, so I let it go.  Not everyone likes to be friends with everyone they know on FB.  So I justified her actions with regard to this both then and still today.

During the hospital stay after Brit was born, we had her parents stay at the hospital with us.  The first night BF and I kept Brit.  The second night they kept her.  Their family came in and out of my hospital room all the time.  We even all had a pizza party.  Me in all of my post-partum glory hosting a family get together with Brit's parent's families.  Brothers, sisters, and parents.  They were all there.  It felt like we were all in this together.  I was happy.  This is exactly how I envisioned our relationship.  One big extended family all loving one child.

The last day there, we didn't even have Brit's pictures taken by the photographer because BF and I said we would just let her parents have the pictures taken by their friend.  We figured we would get some.  (We got some emailed to us of a photo shoot that they did with her that didn't work out too well.  But never received any actual pictures ever.  If you can't tell this is something I regret deeply.  I have never had a professional photo of Brit and I would sure love to have one.)

So we left the hospital, they thanked us for Brit, gave each of us a gift and we parted ways at the front door.

Not another text message.  Not a phone call.

When I couldn't stand it anymore and I sent an email to Brit's mom the first of May (Brit was about 6 weeks old).  She replied and it was nice. She  included a couple of pictures of them at home with baby.

A couple of weeks later, I got us the courage to ask if Brit's mom in an email if I could meet her for lunch with Brit some day before she had to go back to work.  That is when she emailed back and said she didn't mean to be disrespectful, but they weren't comfortable with that yet.

That was one of the very worst days of my life.

I left work, went home and cried hysterically.  The kind of sobs that shake your entire soul.  My best friend lives about 40 minutes away and she drove in to hold me.  It makes me cry right now remembering that day.

That was the beginning of when I really recognized that we were purposely being kept at a distance.  Without going back and recalling the exact timeline of how things happened, the basics of what happened after that are:

In September, (Brit was 6 months old) I completely lost my mind because I was getting less and less interaction from Brit's parents (they didn't reply to monthly email exchanges, they would just send an update and even if I asked a follow up, Brit's mom wouldn't reply). So one night I sent an email to Brit's dad and asked what I had done that had kept Brit's mom from emailing me.  She used to be the one who talked to me all the time and then the updates stopped coming from her and started coming from him instead.  It was blatantly obvious that she had stopped interacting with me.

He called me the next morning and it was a real eye opener.  I found out that Brit's mom was dealing with infertility grief, a struggle with feeling like she was completely bonding with Brit as her mom, and the crushing idea that Brit might be their only child.  He said that they had found themselves very protective of Brit. 

It was after that phone conversation with Brit's dad that I realized that I was just going to have to wait until they were comfortable with being Brit's parents before they would ever consider any kind of personal interaction with us again.  BF and I offered counseling for all four of us and they declined.

I also received an email back from Brit's mom (in response to my email to them about why I was no longer being interacted with) and I found out how pictures I was sending her of my kids and me made her realize Brit looks like me and it upset her.  It was that day that I realized that my new interaction with them would include them emailing me when they wanted to, and I was no longer free to share pictures of our family back with them.  (Another heartbreak)

HYSTERIA ensued.  Privately of course.  And it lasted weeks.  I was debilitated with grief.  Completely lacking hope.

Looking back now, I also realize they were actively pursuing pregnancy at this point.

From that point forward I promised to not ask again to see Brit.  But I was very clear that I desperately wanted a visit with her and if there was ever a day or opportunity I would immediately be open to it.

It was then that I tried to stop focusing on what I didn't have and instead be a bigger person.  I sent a birthday gift to Brit's mom in October.  I just waited for them to email me (always on the 25th).  I replied kindly, without pictures and always thanked them for continuing to share.

In November, a day before I would have normally received my monthly email, I emailed Brit's dad (who I was primarily corresponding with at this point) and I shared with him information about the benefits of open adoption and why I thought Brit and our families would benefit from more openness.  He thanked me and told me he would consider it. That was the extent of that conversation.

For Christmas, BF and Brit's dad got together and had a drink and BF gave him our gifts for Brit.  I got a nice email back from Brit's mom a couple of days later saying Brit loved the gifts.  This was particularly hard for me as I know that Brit is only 10 minutes away.  But I can't take her a Christmas present.  I had to have my BF meet up in a private meeting with Brit's dad for the gift exchange.

Monthly emails came in Jan and Feb.  Finally, March 7th (yes I know the day), Brit's dad emailed and said they were ready for us to have a visit with Brit for about 2 hours.  We worked out the details and finally on March 20th (THE BEST DAY EVER), Brit and her parents came over to BF's house and stayed for 2 hours.  It was that day that we first realized they were pregnant (with twins).  Something they had never shared that with us up to that point.  I found out by seeing her walk in the front door with a distinctively pregnant tummy.  She was about 6 months pregnant at that time.

Right after our visit, Brit's parents were somehow turned on to my blog.  After reading it, they were upset and wanted to meet with us.  Not even BF knew about my blog so I am still not sure who told them, but it completely doesn't matter anymore.

We met at a restaurant just the four of us and discussed how I really wanted more interaction with them.  They said that they had never considered a relationship like that with us but they would think about it.  That was the last face to face (or phone) interaction I have had with them.

I continue to send Mothers/Fathers Day cards, and we even sent a 4th of July care package for Brit (she had just become a big sister at the end of June, so we wanted to send her something special).

To this day, we continue to receive monthly emails.  We do not receive phone calls, cards or anything else.  No mothers day, fathers day, birthday or any other acknowledgement.  But I have gotten past that, and I am OK with it being one sided.

I don't want to stop doing those things because I consider them friends.  They may not share the same sentiments, but I have had to come to terms with that.  I decided that I wasn't going to let that change how I feel and acted toward them.

So there you have it.

We live 10 minutes away, but are continents away in our desires for our open adoption relationship.

My counselor who I see regularly keeps reminding me that HOW THINGS ARE TODAY IS NOT NECESSARILY HOW THEY WILL BE FOREVER.  So I am holding to the hope that as time goes on, this will get better.  And hopefully easier.

And I know that absolutely none of this takes any of THEIR feelings into consideration.  I cannot even speak to that because I am not them, and I don't know what they are really thinking or feeling.  We don't have that kind of relationship so I just have to speculate.

After re-reading all I have typed here, I also realize I have not given justice to the kindness I receive from Brit's parents in their email correspondence with me.  Brit's father is particularly kind and gentle with me.  I have spoken to this before.  The man who makes my adoption bearable It is very appreciated.  But both of them are always kind and seem to understand I am dealing with grief.

So there you have it.  How we got here.  I own my part by not being clear from the beginning about what I wanted post adoption to look like.  I had no idea.  And they had no idea how they would feel post-adoption either.  We had no way to know what was about to hit all of us. If only we had. 

So for those who ask if I am angry because Brit's parents haven't honored our open adoption agreement, that is not true because we didn't have one.  We just had a relationship.  A relationship that wasn't ready for the pressure that was about to ensue.  No one has 'changed their mind' about our adoption openness, because it was never defined prior to birth. 

Prospective birthmother's reading this - PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE!  Potential adoptive parents, please realize that no matter what a birthmom says right now, she may want and need visits more than once a year or whatever else you all think will be just fine.  And if you remain flexible, it might just be the greatest gift you could give your child.   A real relationship with his/her birthfamily.

So moving on...

Now I am ready to start the chapters about how we progressed from the history to the happier ending.

The big 14 month old

I got my Brit update.  As usual, it was very nice.

Important facts to note:

Brit loves apple cores.  Not apples.  Notice the core she is eating in the picture.  When served an apple she won't eat it.  When she finds an apple core, it's hers!

We now have noticeable hair!  FINALLY.  Look at that cute curl on top!

She is learning how to be cute and adorable when she is testing the water with something she knows will get her in trouble.  When her parents tell her that something is "not for Brit", she comes over and hugs their leg.  I love it!

Grandma and grandpa have created a Brit playland in their backyard filled with slides, a house, a picnic table and just lots of room to run back and forth.  It is her favorite place.  Thankfully they live just down the street.

Her momma is still doing well with the pregnancy and the twins.  She is trying to hold out as long as possible.  She is due in August, but just hopes to make it to July.  Dad is home now and can wait on both of his girls all summer long.

I am lucky to get updates.  But I still feel the pain of wanting to touch her, hold her and snuggle her up.  I'm pretty sure this feeling never goes away.

It's the 25th

I get an update from Brit's parents the 25th of each month (her birthday).  I woke up this morning and it was the first thing I thought of.

I can't wait to hear how things are going and to see her sweet little face.

Another dream

I dream about Brit regularly.  The dreams are never that she wasn't adopted, they are just manifestations of seeing her, being with her and having time with her.

Before I had my visit with her, my counselor asked me if it helped being able to hold her and see her in my dreams.  I suppose the answer to that is not completely yes or no.

Almost always I wake up upset.  Mostly because I am waking up and she is going away.  Again.

The dreams are so real.  I am always still her birth mom, and her parents are there, sharing her with me.  So it's not like I am having fantasy land where she was never adopted and we are all living happily ever after as a family.

But the dreams allow me to be present with her.  I carry her on my hip.  Snuggle her on my shoulder.

Last night was tough one.  Great dream.  Very real.  Hard on the heart. 

My youngest son D had fallen asleep in my bed so I just left him there and I slept on the other side.  He is a bit of a wild sleeper so I shoved a body pillow between the two of us, rolled to the edge of the bed and dropped from exhaustion.

Sometime early this morning I started dreaming that Brit's parents came over to my house (not my real life house, but it was the one I had in the dream).  We just hung out and talked.  We were all happy and friendly. There was a strange part where I got stung by a bee.  Another part where Brit's dad was too tall to get down the basement stairs - just fragmented thoughts that happen in dreams.  But all in all, I was just enjoying time with Brit.

Then it is time for Brit's parents to leave so they pack her up and head out.  For some reason (I can't remember it now), they pull back up in the driveway and come back.  However, in that amount of time my boys have come home.  So they are now face to face with Brit's parents and seeing Brit for the first time.

I was so excited for them.  I was showing her off to the boys.  And they were loving all over her.

Then D woke me up with a hand to my face as he was rolling over.

It woke him too.

I looked over at him and without thinking said, "I have to go back to sleep, I was just dreaming that you were meeting Brit for the first time."

He sleepily looked at me and said "I wish it were true."

Then he rolled back over and fell asleep again.

Broke. My. Heart.

Maybe he won't remember it.  I know I won't forget it.

What do you say when people ask?

I am still not good at the answer to the question, "So how many kids do you have?"

It is extremely complicated for me because I was a step-mom to a girl and a boy for 13 years.  I consider them both my children still to this day.  Especially the girl.  She and I got along very well for all of those years.  She has a little boy of her own now and I definitely consider him my grandson!

For lots of years I said 5.  I had three biological sons and two step children.  They were all mine.  I fed them, took them to school, fixed what they broke.

So after their dad and I got divorced, I was puzzled once again about how to answer that question.  It was easier with my daughter because she was grown and not living at home anymore.  But my step-son was still part of my life.  Usually I said, 4 boys and a grown daughter.

As time went on, the step-son and I began having less time together, so sometimes I would just say 3 sons.

Then I had Brit.

And just like that, she was gone.

I know I gave birth to her.  And some of the people asking remember that I was pregnant.

She is still my birth daughter.  But I am not her mother in a parenting sense.

So what do I say?

By saying I have 3 boys, I feel like I am denying her existance.  If I say 3 boys and a girl, inevitably it is followed by "Oh I bet you spoil her!  One little sister and all those brothers!"

At that moment the tears well up.

I panic and want to run.

Or, even more poignant and painful, sometimes people ask in front of my kids.  If I answer 3 boys, the youngest will usually pipe up and say "And a sister, but my mom gave her up for adoption."

I've been working on that with him.  But try stopping a 10 year old from saying what's on his mind.

To him, it is what it is. 

To a stranger it is a conversation stopper.

For me, it is a dagger to the heart.

So, what do you say?  Who counts?  And do you defend it to just anyone?

Being protective

Not that it is a newsflash, but the emotions that we experience as women are so very unpredictable.  At least mine are.  I am just a roller coaster on any given day.

Case in point, my reaction to comments here on my blog.

I love blogging because of the incredible network of people who reach out and offer advice and words of encouragement.  Even if they are not someone from the adoption world.

I love that.

With the good comes the bad.  And fortunately I have had very few negative comments here on my blog.  I know I am lucky.

However, even comments meant to be supportive of my position sometimes stir up a response of defensiveness in me.

This time it came in the form of defensiveness about "my" adoptive parents.

Yes, I lament about wanting more of a relationship with them.  I express hurt and pain.  But just like a parent is protective of their child, I find myself becoming very protective of my a-parents too.

Almost all comments on my blog are lovely and supportive of both me and the parents of Brit.  But occasionally one creeps in here that is not complimentary.

When that happens, my initial reaction is "Hey, don't you say negative things about my a-parents, you don't know their intentions or their heart!"  Yes, I know, ironic considering this is the place where I speak longingly of how I wish they would reach out to me more.

But I love them.  I love what they do provide to my child.  I love who they are as people.  I don't believe they do anything out of ill intentions.  They are just like me.  We are human, just trying to do the best we possibly can.  We are Christians looking for God's guidance with a situation we don't have any experience dealing with.

They did not deceive me to get my baby.  Their actions all make perfect sense.  They are up front with me about why they feel like they do and why they act like they do.  I don't have to speculate, because they have been honest in all communication with me and the BF. 

They do not do one thing and say another. The unmet expections that I have had with them stem from the grey area that we left undefined prior to Brit's birth.  I should have been more clear.   When I said I wanted for us to have a family visit before the end of summer, I should have confirmed with them that they would be willing to do that.  Instead I assumed that since they didn't say no, it would happen.  But even if we had agreed to the visit, I still don't know if it would have happened, based upon the emotions they were feeling at that time.

We just didn't know what an adoption relationship would be like.  And the strong feelings we would all have to work through.

To clear up some details, we had no formal agreement.  Every interaction between Brit's parents and me is by our own free will.  We had a private adoption with no agency involved.  No social worker.  No plan.

So we are navigating a path that none of the four of us know anything about.  Both Brit's mom and I read lots of books before the adoption.  Only speaking from my perspective, but when I read them, I found myself thinking, "That doesn't apply to US.  We are all good friends.  We can figure this out."

For the most part that is true.  We still communicate. And I firmly believe we all love and respect each other.  We simply see open adoption differently.  I see it as an active relationship.  I would describe their perspective as a passive relationship.

We just didn't know what it would really feel like when we all got home from the hospital.  I would never ever judge Brit's mom's actions or reactions because she had just become a first time mom. 

I remember what that was like and it is alot of guessing, crying, little sleep and an overwhelming feeling of love that you never even knew existed. 

But what I don't have any experience with is what that would be like coupled with the knowledge that my joy came with the grief of another mother.

If the adoption would have been closed she would not have known.  If she didn't care about me, it wouldn't have bothered her. She would have just been able to focus on her child. 

But Brit's parents are good people.  It did matter to them that my heart hurt.  But they also needed to protect their own hearts.  They had to deal with their feelings and emotions just like I had to deal with mine.  Unfortuately, the way that they dealt with their emotions made mine worse.  I don't believe they knew that.  Neither one of us could read the mind of the other.

One of the comments I received talked about how adoption relationships take work, just like other relationships. The difficult part about adoption relationships is that there are few resources to help us navigate through them.  Very few of us have ever seen an example of an open adoption (until we enter into one ourselves and we seek those out here in the cyber world!).  Global Librarian was right on the money with those thoughts.  So very true.

I also appreciated the comments from Faith about how we shouldn't judge the a-parents just because I want a relationship that looks a certain way, and Brit's parents might not.

She is also very right to that point.

They have every "right" to feel like they do, just like I have every "right" to my own feelings.

I think it is very encouraging that we all can say how we are feeling to each other.  I am so glad I don't have an agency that we are working through.  Sure, maybe it would have been easier sometimes, but I want a REAL relationship with Brit's parents.  And that means having easy and tough conversations directly with each other.

If Brit's parents were to ever contact me or BF and say that they have decided that they want one visit per year and quarterly emails with pictures, then I will honor that decision.  I will wish for more, but I chose them as the parents of Brit.  They get to decide.  Just like Brit will get to decide later if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me and BF.  I wish I could be part of that decision, but as we all know, birthparents have no legal recourse.  By design.  It is unfortunate, but I understand completely why it is this way.

I recognize that my situation is a bit unique.  Most birthmothers are not over 35, parenting other children, financially sound and without addiction issues.  I am not the stereo-typical birthmom.  However, I have found that there are others like me.  Birthmothers can be your neighbor.

I believe that a very open adoption relationship would be very healthy for all of us.  We live close.  We are all stable adults.  We share the same faith.  And from my research, children in very open adoptions are well adjusted and are less likely to describe their adoption situation as a negative experience.

I don't want Brit to ever have negative feelings about the way her family was created.  I want her to feel special.  We chose her parents so she could have the very best. I want to be a part of her life so she doesn't wonder and so the story is always clear.  I want her to experience knowing both families her entire life.

I believe this would be the best situation for Brit, but what makes me the expert? I think I know what would be best, but maybe I don't.  I certainly believe that not all adopted children in closed adoptions harbor ill feelings or will be poorly adjusted adults.  My first husband was adopted in a closed adoption relationship and he has no ill feelings toward any of his parents.

But I must trust that God's hand is in this relationship.  If it weren't such a personal story that belongs to Brit's parents, I would share how they came into our lives and how perfect God's timing was in both Brit's parents journey to become parents, and our journey to find parents for Brit.  There are no coincidences here.  God orchestrated something that we could not have planned even if we tried.

I am fortunate to have chosen parents who I know have a faith in God like I do.  They do not make rash decisions.  They prayerfully consider what is best for their family.

So here is the peace that I have come to.  This belongs to God.  Brit is loved and cared for.  I have absolutely nothing to worry about.  And my desires to have more connection to her and her family are for Him to orchestrate once again.

Philippians 4:6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

PS - Thank you everyone for the comments both positive and negative.  It is so good for me to hear and see differening perspectives on this topic.  It has made me more understanding and increased my compassion for everyone in the adoption triad.  I appreciate each comment for the value it adds.

Giving it to God

I have two draft posts that I have not finished. My birthmother world has been painful once again.  I have tried to blog, but there is too much to say.

And it is painful.  Painful to the point of shutting down.  Completely.  I found myself thinking that I just have to let go of the "birthmom" role for right now.  Otherwise I might go completely crazy. (Or crazier, depending on who you talk to.)

The story is complicated on two levels.  My relationship with Brit's parents and my relationship with Brit's birthfather (BF).

Today I only have the energy to address the relationship with the parents.

Brit's parents found the blog. 

I had a suspicion in the back of my mind because I have the FeedJit tracker on my blog and I saw a local inquiry from the town that one of them works in.  I knew that something had to be up with that.  I was not worried and was quite honestly perfectly OK with it.  I believe in being honest, and that is what this blog is.

All of my usual blog visitors are adoption triad members from all over the country, but none are local to me. I have one sister who knows about the blog and just the other day I finally told my mom.  I had told BF about the blog a month or two ago, but he has never visited it.  He chooses not to deal with anything that might cause him to feel uncomfortable, so I am not surprised that he had no interest in reading it. (That issue is a post for later.)

After Brit's parents found the blog, they decided to call me and BF to set up a time where we could all sit down and talk about it.  We each got a separate call and between the 4 of us found a time that would work.

We met last weekend at a restaurant.  Just the four of us. We had good, casual conversation throughout dinner.  Then after we were done eating we addressed the white elephant that was in the room.

I am not great about remembering exact words.  But to generalize the conversation...

The blog was painful for them because they read it through the lens of being the parents who are referenced here.  And while the things that I have said about them were not upsetting to them (or not that they mentioned), they were hurt by some of the comments of others.  I think that they felt unfairly portrayed because their thoughts and actions are only presented from my viewpoint.  But they understood completely why I blog, and they realize that this blog was to be therapeutic for me, and not to be viewed by them.

We talked and it became apparent that we are on two very separate wave lengths in regard to openness in our adoption. 

It was clear that their family and friends are not supportive of them having continued contact with us.  So the contact they do have with us, they feel is adequate and it meets what they believed our relationship would be.  They feel like they have to defend continuing a relationship with us. I get the impression that is uncomfortable for them.

We addressed how I have felt abandoned by Brit's mom because she no longer interacts with me like she did during my pregnancy.  Brit's mom explained that she had to pull away from me when they brought Brit home because she needed to feel like Brit was her child and not mine.  And she thought that continued contact with me would keep her from being able to bond because all she would focus on was my grief from relinquishment.

They mentioned that I routinely address what I want for openness in our adoption here on this blog.  I give examples of beautiful open adoption relationships and how beneficial they are for everyone involved. 

Their feeling is that for every very open adoption relationship that exists, there is a case to be made for semi-open adoption and how it is beneficial for adoptive parents and the child.  It was at this point that I realized that we view open adoptions very differently.

Brit's mom said something that cut me to the core even though she thought what she was saying was nice (and I know it was intended that way).  She said that after our first visit with Brit she went back home and said to the dad, "that was nice, we should try to do that once a year".

There are two reasons that was extremely hurtful to me. The first being, I desperately want more that one visit with Brit per year.  It would be so very easy for us to have more visits since we live about 15 minutes from them. 

The second reason that statement hurt, was because I heard those words in my mind as "I think it would be really nice of us if we allow BF and Lisa see Brit once a year."  As if it was a privilege that we are being granted by them.

Now I need to stop and say, I know that is only my perception and not at all what she said.  I was, and still am, very hyper sensitive about this topic.  I want more visits, and it was clear that they would be fine with few if any.  So what she said was completely misconstrued in my head.  But how I felt is how I felt.

So when I say that I felt like I was an undeserving recipient of a privilege they were granting me, that is not fair to Brit's parents, because they certainly didn't say that.  I just felt that way.  Please no hateful comments about how I twisted her words.

And while on that topic.  I need to be clear about how the parents treat us and the things that they say.  Both mom and dad are always very clear that they appreciate that we have entrusted our child to them.  They repeatedly mention that they will be forever thankful for that, and that they pray for us regularly.

Never have I been treated disrespectfully.  Nor have they uttered an unkind word to me.

Now, back to the dinner.

I tried my very best (through tears) to describe how I would like to see our relationship.  I clearly stated that I have no expectation of monthly visits.  Nor do I need to have a rigid visit schedule.  But what I do want is to feel like we are a family friend.  I don't just want a relationship with Brit.  I want a relationship with all of them.  Even the two new babies.  They are all important to me.

I explained how when this adoption happened, they became a part of my extended family, whether they knew it or not. 

My family brings people into our fold very easily.  No relation required.  We love and include all kinds of people as if they are family.  For example, my ex-husband's first wife became a close friend of mine.  She is now considered one of my sisters.  When we do Christmas gift exchanges, she is one of the girls.  I love that.  Every holiday event we have, there is always someone who is not a blood or marriage relative in attendance.  My sisters, mom, me and our children all love easily and quickly.  We will bring anyone in with us.

So with that kind of personality and history, when Brit's mom and I got to know each other during my pregnancy, I am sure I just assumed she was coming into the fold.  That was never their intention.  That is not how their family works, so that is unusual for them.  Completely fair.  I can see where my expectations about this were unrealistic.

I explained to them that my sister had just asked me the other day if she could invite them to her son's first birthday party because my nephew is just two weeks younger than Brit so we were all pregnant together.  My sister thought it would be fun to have them join us with Brit.

That would be a completely normal occurrence for my family.  So while most families would find that odd, it would be wonderful to us.  We love freely and include everyone.

In explaining my ideal relationship with them, I told Brit's parents that I especially want to be the mom's friend.  I want her to feel comfortable enough that she would call me and just chat.  Or comfortable enough that I could give her a call or text and it wouldn't be a big deal.

I told them that I don't even expect monthly emails.  Instead, I wish that when something adorable happens she would include me in any email or text that she might send to her own family.

This is another area where we realized that we are very different. 

I am an over-communicator.  Nothing is off limits.  I am not private.  My world is an open book.  I have 1,250 Facebook friends.  Everyone in town knows my business because I am in PR, sit on a multitude of committees, live and work in this same small town I have lived in since high school.  I give lots of public presentations. I love public speaking and everyone knows it.  I write often and easily.  So I send lots of emails and I include tons of information.  My life is on the go at every sporting event in town, chasing my boys who are very athletically gifted.  I know lots of people.

Brit's parents are more private.  They are most comfortable at home.  They don't call many people.  Brit's mom told me that I receive more pictures of Brit than most of her family members.  They have a few close friends.  They like it like that.

To try to describe the type of relationship I hope we someday have, I gave the example that if they were taking Brit and the babies to the zoo one day, I would love it if they called and asked if we wanted to join them.  Something completely casual and easy.

Brit's mom said she had never considered a relationship like that before.

I also let them know that we have 5 boys who are desperate to meet Brit.  They ask us all the time when they will get to see her.  I told them that I would really like for them to have the mystery removed and let them have a relationship with her so they can have peace with the fact that they have a sister who lives somewhere else with a different set of parents.

BF did chime in often during this conversation and the one thing that he said that I completely agree with, (but for reasons other than why he believes it), "It doesn't matter what other people's adoption relationships look like, we want to do what is right for OUR relationship." 

I also give him great credit for repeatedly telling the parents that we believe they are wonderful parents to Brit, and we are glad they are the parents we didn't think we could be.  We both were very clear with them that we love them, even though we are working through these painful relationship issues.

By the time we got to the end of the conversation, they said they would go home and think and pray about what we had talked about.  Which was a huge blessing to me.  I am so grateful that they are willing to at least consider something more.  So many birthmoms would do anything to have adoptive parents say that to them.  I know I am lucky.

We were all completely spent by the time the conversation ended.  The intensity of what was said was hard for me, so I am sure that it had to be very difficult for them since I am used to candid, even painful conversations and they are much more reserved.

I think the things that are hardest for me to process from this meeting are:

• We have very different ideas about what our adoption relationship should look like.  Brit's parents believe they are honoring what they said we agreed to, which was regular emails.  I don't recall that as a conversation, but I won't argue it.  I was pregnant and who knows what I thought or said.  I do however remember mentioning a summer get together with them, Brit and my family and they never objected.  I also recall us specifically stating that we were going to evaluate our relationship as we went along because none of us knew how this would work.
• Their family and friends are not supportive of an open adoption, which will make this even harder for them.
• The things that make them most comfortable and me most comfortable are very different.  They intend to always tell Brit that she is adopted, but not necessarily to make a relationship with us a priority.  I want Brit to always know us so she has the least impact from being adopted as possible.
• BF wants the same type of openness in our relationship with Brit's parents, but he just wants it to happen.  He is perfectly fine just waiting to see if it does.  I want all of us to be deliberate.
• Things changed.  For all of us.  I need more connection to them than I am getting.  They don't.  We are at a point of re-negotiation of our relationship.  And what I believe is best for Brit, is not necessarily what they believe.  Since they are her parents, they get to decide.  I feel like I have to plead my case.
• Compromise will be difficult for all of us.  We are all having to consider that our relationship with each other may be different than what we want individually.  All of us will experience some level of being uncomfortable.

To be painfully honest, I am jealous.  I want the kind of relationship that so many of you have.  I want Brit's parents to think about a relationship with me/us as an important part of her well-being like so many of you moms do with your birth families.

I cry when I read the posts from many of you who are worried about why your birthmoms are pulling away.  It makes me want to scream and say, "I would be that birthmom you want for your child, I want that too!".

When I read many of your hopeful adoption blogs, I feel your incredible waiting pain.  Mine is completely different, because I am on the other side.  But the wait is brutal.  We all want something that we don't currently have.  It hurts so badly.

I get comments from time to time that remind me to consider how hard this is for the adoptive parents.  My blog is very birthmother focused and not very adoptive parent focused. 

To my defense, I am a birthmom.  I see and feel through the experiences of a mother who relinquished a child for adoption.  That is the only experience I have, and I am living it.  I am not on the other side.  I am knee deep in grief.

As a birthmother I think about how all of this would have been so much easier if I would have just chosen to parent in spite of my circumstances.

And if I had to guess, I would think my thoughts are similar to those of adoptive parents when they think this would be so much easier if this child was biologically theirs and they didn't have to deal with all of the complicated emotions and situations that adoption presents for everyone, including the child.

I even have the same terrible thoughts when I walk past teen moms who are single and living in extraordinary poverty, still parenting a child.  I completely get what couples who are experiencing infertility must feel when they see the same situations.

I think, I have financial stability, a career, parenting experience and yet, I chose not to raise my own child.  And look at her!  She has none of those things and she kept her baby.  It's not fair.  I have extreme pain because I miss my child so much it makes my heart literally ache.  And I did this to myself and to my daughter just because I wanted perfect for her.  Was having two married parents really that important?

And I know what infertile couples battle when they see the same thing.  It is the same repugnant thoughts, but very much similar to mine.  Why was she blessed with a child when we weren't?  We possess everything a child could want or need, why is this so unfair?

We are all human.  Adoption brings out both the best and worst in all of us.

I am encouraged by many of your blogs as you talk about refocusing your thoughts and desires to those that would be pleasing to God.  That was the final revelation I came to after the conversation. 

This is not something that I can or should control.  I shouldn't try to change it on my own power.  My focus is entirely selfish.  God is not pleased with those thoughts.  I need to marinade in the same verse many of you take solace in.

Jeremiah 29-11-14

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹

This is now in God's hands.  Brit's parents now clearly know the desire of my heart.  And I know where they stand. 

God is going to have to intervene on behalf of all of us.  I need to be seeking His will for all of us.  Only God knows what is best for Brit.  This is not about me. Or her parents.  It is about Brit.

Perfect

I can still smell her on my hands.  I hope I never forget how wonderful it was to have her crawl up into my lap, as if I had been a friend all along.

I feel like someone who has just fallen in love.  That excited feeling as you try to remember every detail about what just happened.  What she was wearing, the sound of her voice, how she smelled, the way she moved her hands, the smile in her eyes.

She is absolutely perfect.

Her bald head, her pudgy tummy, her drooly smile.  It is all perfect.

The visit was everything I hoped and prayed for.  We were all completely comfortable.  It was just like the old days.  The times we shared before Brit was born.  When it used to be just the four of us talking and catching up.

It could not have gone any better.

Brit was happy and comfortable.  Her parents were the same.  It was a natural as having a sister over for lunch.

And there was big news.  As Brit's mom walked in the door it was no longer a secret.  She is pregnant.  And you guessed it - with twins!

They are due in August.  A boy and a girl.  Brit's parents couldn't be more excited.  We are so happy for them!

Brit warmed up to me very quickly.  I am sure it helped that I was the one showing her all her new toys.  Yes, C and I went overboard with the gifts, but they were all just right for her.  Except maybe the shoes.  She doesn't like shoes.  It's too hard for her to walk with shoes on.  And since she is a proficient walker, shoes just get in the way.

Brit loves having her picture taken.  She immediately wants you to show it to her after you take it.  I would snap a photo and she would run over and plop down in my lap so I could show her what it looked like.  What a cheese! 

We got to hear her parents make ridiculous sounds and make goofy faces trying to make Brit laugh.  It was classic parent behavior. 

They wanted her to show off for us.  They wanted us to hear her laugh.  To see her huge smile (and teeth!).  They wanted her to do all of the things that they find adorable about her.  The things that only parents can appreciate.

I was so glad that they wanted to share that with us.

She is so very loved.

It is obvious that her parents are smitten.  Crazy head over heels in love with her.  To be honest, I am too.

Brit has a perfect life.

And that is exactly what I wanted for her all along.

Gives new meaning to camera phone.

Teeth!

It's almost here

The big visit is this Sunday!  I am so excited I can hardly stand it.  And as it approaches I am getting nervous.  I just want it to be perfect.

I want Brit to be happy and not scared.  I want her parents to feel comfortable.  I want them to walk away from this visit thinking, 'we should do this more often because it was nice'.

I am so hopeful for this visit.  We have her birthday gifts purchased (super pumped about them), the meal is planned and now we just have to wait.

Hopefully my Sunday evening post will be full of joy.

The Encore

I was just reminded of something precious that happened after I had given birth to Brit.

I was laying in bed snuggled up with Brit in my arm and her birthfather was on the other side of us.  He and I were talking about how surreal it was that we were there.  Looking down at the only daughter either of us would ever have.  We talked about how we were closer to 40 than we were to 30.  And how neither of us would have ever guessed that we would be holding a brand new child of our own at this point in our lives.

Her birthfather looked down at our precious sleeping baby girl and said "You Brit, are our encore!"

I just laughed.  How right he was.  Brit was our encore.  And while she was a finale for her birthfather and me, she was a new beginning for her parents.

It makes me smile just thinking about it.

Brit sleeping while snuggled with her birthfather.  A beautiful encore indeed!

6 days until our first visit!

I am so excited and anxious.  We are 6 days away from our first "real" visit with Brit and her parents.  I can hardly wait!!!

I have been praying for Brit's mom.  I hope that she has a peace about this visit.  I know how she has struggled with being an adoptive mom.  And I also know she is a worrier.  So my guess is that she is probably anxious about this first visit.

I wish I could call and tell her how excited I am to see all of them.  I miss the relationship we all used to have.  I want to be able to sit and laugh and chat like we used to.

Please pray that our visit will go very well and that when Brit and her parents leave they will have a peace with our relationship and their role as her parents.

I am hopeful, excited, and nervous all at once.



This is the last time C and I held Brit.



So much to think about and do

I am still dancing in air thinking about the visit next Sunday.  I want it to be here already.  But I keep thinking about how nervous Brit's mom must be.  Since she has the been the aprehensive one all along, I bet now that there is an actual date set it is probably even worse.

I hope that some day they will not feel obligated but instead excited to meet up with us.  And maybe I am assuming feelings that she may not be having.  Maybe she really is much better with all of this.  Just knowing how she acted prior to Brit's birth, I think she is probably worrying.

Today I am thinking about what we will buy little Brit for her first birthday, which we will celebrate during her visit.  Her brithday is the 25th.  Hard to believe it has been a year ago!

I have already bought her two books and a Veggie Tales movie.  C wants to get her a Leap Pad (or whatever it is called), but it says it's for ages 2-4.  Brit is very advanced, but I still think she may not have the coordination needed for a toy like that.

I want C and me to go shopping for her gift together.  At Christmas he and I each bought Brit gifts, but we did it separate from each other.  I would like for this to be different.

In addition to all the excitement with the Brit visit, I also have a few other really big things happening this week. 

1. I am supposed to get a court reccomendation about custody of my two little boys on Friday.  Their dad filed for primary custody of them so he wouldn't have to pay child support. (Which he has never paid in the two years we have been divorced. I never requested any until this past November when I realized I am paying 100% of the kids expenses and he has never helped.  And his response to that request was to file for custody.  That has been a huge financial drain on this single momma.  $3,500 already spent on legal fees.  I expect probably another $2,000 before we are done. Yuk.)
2. L has a two hour baseball practice Friday evening.
3. I move to a new townhouse on Saturday.  Finally a place of our own for the boys and me with a bedroom for everyone. I just hate moving.
4. L has a basketball tournament on Saturday. D has a Young Marines new recruit meeting right before L's first game. (Who knew a 9 year old boy would want to do that?  I didn't even know such an organization existed until we saw a booth about them at a local air show.)



Mom and L (the soon to be 12 year old!)

5. L's 12th birthday is Sunday - We are postponing a party with his friends until the 26th because of the move.  However, he still wants to go play video games at the arcade with his brothers that day.
6. I get to particiapte in the interview process for a new Children's Ministry Director after church on Sunday.

It hardly seems like there is enough time in a single weekend for all of it.  Then follow it up with the excitement of a visit with Brit the following week!

I will take things one at a time.

I am so glad I have something so great to look forward to!

Finally!!!!

The date has been set.  We are all getting together for lunch next Sunday.  I have butterflies in my tummy!

I am so very excited.  Not only will I get to see Brit, but hopefully I can repair the relationship I used to have with her momma.

I miss having her as a friend like we were during my pregnancy.

I AM SO EXCITED!!

Still waiting

I have neglected the blog for over a week. But I wanted to wait until I could announce when we were going to get to meet Brit.

However, that hasn't happened yet.  I asked my boyfriend (such a strange term for a man who is almost 39), if he had heard back from Brit's dad, but he hasn't.  He assured me this is OK, because Brit's dad is a basketball coach and he is super busy right now.

I asked the boyfriend (herein after referred to as BF), what he and the dad talked about on the phone.  I wish boys weren't so hard to get information from!!!  You have to drag every single word out of them.  Or at least the ones I know.

Anyhow, some of the things he told me that stuck in my head.  Most significant of them all was when he met the dad at Christmas time and gave him the presents that we had bought for Brit, the dad told him that several times he has wanted to tell Brit's mom that she needs to quit worrying about whether or not I want to take Brit back.  The dad told BF that he often wants to just say out loud, "they signed the papers, there is nothing they can do to take her back."

I guess in the back of my mind, I probably knew that this was a possible thought that she might be having during this time that she has not communicated with us, but that was the first time I had heard it out loud.  (Side note: WHY DIDN'T BF TELL ME THIS IN DECEMBER?!?!?)

We talked about several things, one that made me cry which I will share later.  But here is what I was most struck by.

BF (I guess that could even stand for birthfather - just thought of that!), is really excited about being able to see Brit.  He talked about what he would like to see our future look like with her.  How he hopes our relationship changes.  His dreams for transparency and intimate contact with her parents.

This is the same man who never even speaks of OUR future together.  As a matter of fact, today when I asked him point blank about what his plans are for "us" he walked over, kissed me and said, "let's find some night this week when we don't have kids and talk about it".

Does that scream fear of commitment?

I digressed. 

Anyway, he is so excited about the possibilities that opening up our adoption could offer.  The things he was saying are all things I feel but never say out loud to him because I know it makes him terribly uncomfortable when I get upset about Brit and how much I miss her.  So instead I just don't talk to him about it at all.  Yes, I know, not healthy.

So even if the visit doesn't happen as soon as I would like it to, at least I know there is someone else who wants it as badly as I do.

So like so many of the endings I give to my posts.  I will wait.

God is teaching me patience.  I don't want to LEARN patience, I want to be GRANTED patience.

Clueless

I woke up crying.  I am so very sad and my heart is hurting.  I know it is a culmination of many reasons.  Kind of a perfect storm on the emotional front.

Today Brit is 11 months old.  One month away from her first birthday. Hopefully I will get an update today from her parents.  The thought of it makes me happy and sad at the same time.

I wish that sending a monthly update was not chore for them.  I wish they felt comfortable enough to share things with me as they happen so that our relationship was more casual instead of like a requirement of the complex relationship. 

I wish my relationship with them was like it is with my sisters and their families.  I get a quick picture of my nephews when  they do something cute.  Or my sisters will mention in passing how their little guys are now walking with the furniture or getting a new tooth.  It is not obligation.  It is heartfelt sharing.  Maybe someday my relationship with Brit's parents will more resemble that.

But now here is what is really hurting my heart these days.  And only girls will understand this because it is a "my feelings are hurt" thought. 

I need to make a more permanent living arrangement for the boys and me.  We currently live with a very close friend and share expenses with her because she was laid off from her job and she needed a roommate to help her stay in her house.  She and I get along very well, and honestly I would have no problem staying there indefinitely.  But the boys want their own space where we don't share a kitchen or living room with someone else.  I understand that.

So I have been looking at potential places for us to move to.  And just this week I found a townhouse that seems to be absolutely perfect for us.  I think the boys will love it.  That is the good news.

But here is why this is upsetting to me.  My boyfriend C and I have been together almost two years now.  We have had a child together.  We have 4 boys who are all about the same age who get along marvelously.  And yet, the very few times that we have ever had a conversation about our future together, C said that he is scared of commitment and wants us to just keep dating like we have been.  He needs to take things slow because he was hurt by his divorce.  And I can understand that.  But as a girl, what I hear is that he wants me to be the indefinite girlfriend.  He gets the benefits that come with having a long-term girlfriend, without the commitment.   

When I told him that wasn't going to work for me long term, he said that he was going to try to start wrapping his mind around what it would be like to have our families blend a little more, because he does love me.  And then maybe he would think about us moving in after he finished the basement. 

I let him know that just living together is not going to work for me either.  I am not ever going to move the boys and me into a home where I am not married to the man we live with.  It is not a good example, and if I am going to live with a man, I want to know he is legally committed to me and my family.  He just listened and seemed to understand.  He had no response at all.

I have watched as several of my friends have gotten engaged in the past few months.  They are going to marry someone who they have been with a shorter amount of time than C and I have been.  And the girl in me is jealous.  And hurt.  It makes me feel like I am not a good enough "catch" that someone wouldn't want to commit to me.  Especially after all we have been through in the past 2 years.

My kids constantly ask when C and I are going to get married.  They want for all of us to be a family.  It is hard for me to explain to them when I want the same answers myself.  My friends ask why we don't live together. They all wonder what is wrong with C that he would not recognize that he really does have a good deal with me. 

So back to the townhouse situation.  I found the perfect place for us to live.  And I will sign a one-year lease next week.  I told C about it.  He was happy for me and the boys.  He told me that it will be great that we will have our own place.  We agreed that the boys will be happier there.

But neither of us states the obvious.  I am committing to another year of living alone.  And he is happy for that.  I can't help but wonder if he actually breathed a sigh of relief when I told him.  I had just bought him even more time.

I feel rejected and unloved. 

Now here is the icing on the cake... The other day C mentioned to me that he will be in Vegas next month for a trade show with work.  He thought I might like to fly out and join him for a couple of days of it.  So let's guess when those dates are?... Yep, it is over Brit's birthday.  The one year anniversary of the event that changed my entire life.  The most traumatic experience I have ever been through.  And he didn't even acknowledge it as a time of any significance.

Needless to say, I am not going to go.  I do not want to be in Vegas (it would be my first trip there ever) when all I am thinking about is the missing piece of my heart who is celebrating her first birthday.

I am going to stay home, in my new house, alone.  And I plan to cry.  Mourning the loss that has changed my entire life.  And I guess I will reflect about why I am sitting there alone.

Today I want someone to hold me.  To tell me that I am special and that we will get through this time together.

But instead I am writing a blog entry sitting at my desk at work with tears streaming down my face.  Isn't amazing how we can feel so alone, even in a building full of people?

((sigh))

What not to say...

The boys and I got a Valentine's card for Brit yesterday.  Last night we each took turns writing in the card. 

L was the first and he looked at me and said "I wish I could write, I hope to see you soon."  I told him that isn't something we can write in a card to her, because it might hurt her mommy's feelings.  He understood.

Then D got the card and asked "Can I write, You're the best sister?"  L told him that Brit probably doesn't even know that she has brothers yet.  I told him that it would probably be better if he just wrote "You're the best!"  He thought that would be OK.  He then proceeded to draw a girl superhero portrait on the blank page of the card.  It was adorable.

Someday I hope that we won't have to edit what we say.  But I am so glad that at least we can send cards. 

Hopefully Brit's mom will save them so Brit can read them when she is older and she will understand that we were always thinking about her.

Because we always think about her.