Giving it to God

I have two draft posts that I have not finished. My birthmother world has been painful once again.  I have tried to blog, but there is too much to say.

And it is painful.  Painful to the point of shutting down.  Completely.  I found myself thinking that I just have to let go of the "birthmom" role for right now.  Otherwise I might go completely crazy. (Or crazier, depending on who you talk to.)

The story is complicated on two levels.  My relationship with Brit's parents and my relationship with Brit's birthfather (BF).

Today I only have the energy to address the relationship with the parents.

Brit's parents found the blog. 

I had a suspicion in the back of my mind because I have the FeedJit tracker on my blog and I saw a local inquiry from the town that one of them works in.  I knew that something had to be up with that.  I was not worried and was quite honestly perfectly OK with it.  I believe in being honest, and that is what this blog is.

All of my usual blog visitors are adoption triad members from all over the country, but none are local to me. I have one sister who knows about the blog and just the other day I finally told my mom.  I had told BF about the blog a month or two ago, but he has never visited it.  He chooses not to deal with anything that might cause him to feel uncomfortable, so I am not surprised that he had no interest in reading it. (That issue is a post for later.)

After Brit's parents found the blog, they decided to call me and BF to set up a time where we could all sit down and talk about it.  We each got a separate call and between the 4 of us found a time that would work.

We met last weekend at a restaurant.  Just the four of us. We had good, casual conversation throughout dinner.  Then after we were done eating we addressed the white elephant that was in the room.

I am not great about remembering exact words.  But to generalize the conversation...

The blog was painful for them because they read it through the lens of being the parents who are referenced here.  And while the things that I have said about them were not upsetting to them (or not that they mentioned), they were hurt by some of the comments of others.  I think that they felt unfairly portrayed because their thoughts and actions are only presented from my viewpoint.  But they understood completely why I blog, and they realize that this blog was to be therapeutic for me, and not to be viewed by them.

We talked and it became apparent that we are on two very separate wave lengths in regard to openness in our adoption. 

It was clear that their family and friends are not supportive of them having continued contact with us.  So the contact they do have with us, they feel is adequate and it meets what they believed our relationship would be.  They feel like they have to defend continuing a relationship with us. I get the impression that is uncomfortable for them.

We addressed how I have felt abandoned by Brit's mom because she no longer interacts with me like she did during my pregnancy.  Brit's mom explained that she had to pull away from me when they brought Brit home because she needed to feel like Brit was her child and not mine.  And she thought that continued contact with me would keep her from being able to bond because all she would focus on was my grief from relinquishment.

They mentioned that I routinely address what I want for openness in our adoption here on this blog.  I give examples of beautiful open adoption relationships and how beneficial they are for everyone involved. 

Their feeling is that for every very open adoption relationship that exists, there is a case to be made for semi-open adoption and how it is beneficial for adoptive parents and the child.  It was at this point that I realized that we view open adoptions very differently.

Brit's mom said something that cut me to the core even though she thought what she was saying was nice (and I know it was intended that way).  She said that after our first visit with Brit she went back home and said to the dad, "that was nice, we should try to do that once a year".

There are two reasons that was extremely hurtful to me. The first being, I desperately want more that one visit with Brit per year.  It would be so very easy for us to have more visits since we live about 15 minutes from them. 

The second reason that statement hurt, was because I heard those words in my mind as "I think it would be really nice of us if we allow BF and Lisa see Brit once a year."  As if it was a privilege that we are being granted by them.

Now I need to stop and say, I know that is only my perception and not at all what she said.  I was, and still am, very hyper sensitive about this topic.  I want more visits, and it was clear that they would be fine with few if any.  So what she said was completely misconstrued in my head.  But how I felt is how I felt.

So when I say that I felt like I was an undeserving recipient of a privilege they were granting me, that is not fair to Brit's parents, because they certainly didn't say that.  I just felt that way.  Please no hateful comments about how I twisted her words.

And while on that topic.  I need to be clear about how the parents treat us and the things that they say.  Both mom and dad are always very clear that they appreciate that we have entrusted our child to them.  They repeatedly mention that they will be forever thankful for that, and that they pray for us regularly.

Never have I been treated disrespectfully.  Nor have they uttered an unkind word to me.

Now, back to the dinner.

I tried my very best (through tears) to describe how I would like to see our relationship.  I clearly stated that I have no expectation of monthly visits.  Nor do I need to have a rigid visit schedule.  But what I do want is to feel like we are a family friend.  I don't just want a relationship with Brit.  I want a relationship with all of them.  Even the two new babies.  They are all important to me.

I explained how when this adoption happened, they became a part of my extended family, whether they knew it or not. 

My family brings people into our fold very easily.  No relation required.  We love and include all kinds of people as if they are family.  For example, my ex-husband's first wife became a close friend of mine.  She is now considered one of my sisters.  When we do Christmas gift exchanges, she is one of the girls.  I love that.  Every holiday event we have, there is always someone who is not a blood or marriage relative in attendance.  My sisters, mom, me and our children all love easily and quickly.  We will bring anyone in with us.

So with that kind of personality and history, when Brit's mom and I got to know each other during my pregnancy, I am sure I just assumed she was coming into the fold.  That was never their intention.  That is not how their family works, so that is unusual for them.  Completely fair.  I can see where my expectations about this were unrealistic.

I explained to them that my sister had just asked me the other day if she could invite them to her son's first birthday party because my nephew is just two weeks younger than Brit so we were all pregnant together.  My sister thought it would be fun to have them join us with Brit.

That would be a completely normal occurrence for my family.  So while most families would find that odd, it would be wonderful to us.  We love freely and include everyone.

In explaining my ideal relationship with them, I told Brit's parents that I especially want to be the mom's friend.  I want her to feel comfortable enough that she would call me and just chat.  Or comfortable enough that I could give her a call or text and it wouldn't be a big deal.

I told them that I don't even expect monthly emails.  Instead, I wish that when something adorable happens she would include me in any email or text that she might send to her own family.

This is another area where we realized that we are very different. 

I am an over-communicator.  Nothing is off limits.  I am not private.  My world is an open book.  I have 1,250 Facebook friends.  Everyone in town knows my business because I am in PR, sit on a multitude of committees, live and work in this same small town I have lived in since high school.  I give lots of public presentations. I love public speaking and everyone knows it.  I write often and easily.  So I send lots of emails and I include tons of information.  My life is on the go at every sporting event in town, chasing my boys who are very athletically gifted.  I know lots of people.

Brit's parents are more private.  They are most comfortable at home.  They don't call many people.  Brit's mom told me that I receive more pictures of Brit than most of her family members.  They have a few close friends.  They like it like that.

To try to describe the type of relationship I hope we someday have, I gave the example that if they were taking Brit and the babies to the zoo one day, I would love it if they called and asked if we wanted to join them.  Something completely casual and easy.

Brit's mom said she had never considered a relationship like that before.

I also let them know that we have 5 boys who are desperate to meet Brit.  They ask us all the time when they will get to see her.  I told them that I would really like for them to have the mystery removed and let them have a relationship with her so they can have peace with the fact that they have a sister who lives somewhere else with a different set of parents.

BF did chime in often during this conversation and the one thing that he said that I completely agree with, (but for reasons other than why he believes it), "It doesn't matter what other people's adoption relationships look like, we want to do what is right for OUR relationship." 

I also give him great credit for repeatedly telling the parents that we believe they are wonderful parents to Brit, and we are glad they are the parents we didn't think we could be.  We both were very clear with them that we love them, even though we are working through these painful relationship issues.

By the time we got to the end of the conversation, they said they would go home and think and pray about what we had talked about.  Which was a huge blessing to me.  I am so grateful that they are willing to at least consider something more.  So many birthmoms would do anything to have adoptive parents say that to them.  I know I am lucky.

We were all completely spent by the time the conversation ended.  The intensity of what was said was hard for me, so I am sure that it had to be very difficult for them since I am used to candid, even painful conversations and they are much more reserved.

I think the things that are hardest for me to process from this meeting are:

• We have very different ideas about what our adoption relationship should look like.  Brit's parents believe they are honoring what they said we agreed to, which was regular emails.  I don't recall that as a conversation, but I won't argue it.  I was pregnant and who knows what I thought or said.  I do however remember mentioning a summer get together with them, Brit and my family and they never objected.  I also recall us specifically stating that we were going to evaluate our relationship as we went along because none of us knew how this would work.
• Their family and friends are not supportive of an open adoption, which will make this even harder for them.
• The things that make them most comfortable and me most comfortable are very different.  They intend to always tell Brit that she is adopted, but not necessarily to make a relationship with us a priority.  I want Brit to always know us so she has the least impact from being adopted as possible.
• BF wants the same type of openness in our relationship with Brit's parents, but he just wants it to happen.  He is perfectly fine just waiting to see if it does.  I want all of us to be deliberate.
• Things changed.  For all of us.  I need more connection to them than I am getting.  They don't.  We are at a point of re-negotiation of our relationship.  And what I believe is best for Brit, is not necessarily what they believe.  Since they are her parents, they get to decide.  I feel like I have to plead my case.
• Compromise will be difficult for all of us.  We are all having to consider that our relationship with each other may be different than what we want individually.  All of us will experience some level of being uncomfortable.

To be painfully honest, I am jealous.  I want the kind of relationship that so many of you have.  I want Brit's parents to think about a relationship with me/us as an important part of her well-being like so many of you moms do with your birth families.

I cry when I read the posts from many of you who are worried about why your birthmoms are pulling away.  It makes me want to scream and say, "I would be that birthmom you want for your child, I want that too!".

When I read many of your hopeful adoption blogs, I feel your incredible waiting pain.  Mine is completely different, because I am on the other side.  But the wait is brutal.  We all want something that we don't currently have.  It hurts so badly.

I get comments from time to time that remind me to consider how hard this is for the adoptive parents.  My blog is very birthmother focused and not very adoptive parent focused. 

To my defense, I am a birthmom.  I see and feel through the experiences of a mother who relinquished a child for adoption.  That is the only experience I have, and I am living it.  I am not on the other side.  I am knee deep in grief.

As a birthmother I think about how all of this would have been so much easier if I would have just chosen to parent in spite of my circumstances.

And if I had to guess, I would think my thoughts are similar to those of adoptive parents when they think this would be so much easier if this child was biologically theirs and they didn't have to deal with all of the complicated emotions and situations that adoption presents for everyone, including the child.

I even have the same terrible thoughts when I walk past teen moms who are single and living in extraordinary poverty, still parenting a child.  I completely get what couples who are experiencing infertility must feel when they see the same situations.

I think, I have financial stability, a career, parenting experience and yet, I chose not to raise my own child.  And look at her!  She has none of those things and she kept her baby.  It's not fair.  I have extreme pain because I miss my child so much it makes my heart literally ache.  And I did this to myself and to my daughter just because I wanted perfect for her.  Was having two married parents really that important?

And I know what infertile couples battle when they see the same thing.  It is the same repugnant thoughts, but very much similar to mine.  Why was she blessed with a child when we weren't?  We possess everything a child could want or need, why is this so unfair?

We are all human.  Adoption brings out both the best and worst in all of us.

I am encouraged by many of your blogs as you talk about refocusing your thoughts and desires to those that would be pleasing to God.  That was the final revelation I came to after the conversation. 

This is not something that I can or should control.  I shouldn't try to change it on my own power.  My focus is entirely selfish.  God is not pleased with those thoughts.  I need to marinade in the same verse many of you take solace in.

Jeremiah 29-11-14

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹

This is now in God's hands.  Brit's parents now clearly know the desire of my heart.  And I know where they stand. 

God is going to have to intervene on behalf of all of us.  I need to be seeking His will for all of us.  Only God knows what is best for Brit.  This is not about me. Or her parents.  It is about Brit.

My response

OK, I have had a while to think about the previous comment left here about my adoption story and there are just a few things I would like to address just to make sure my position is clear. 

I hope you make it to the bottom of this post because it is the second set of comments are the most meaningful to me, as they were posted by an adoptee who seems to have a good heart.

But before we get to the nice comments here are a few of my thoughts about the original comment.

First, it  began with probably the biggest zinger of what I read.  The commenter states she is an adoptive mother who chose closed adoption so she wouldn't have to deal with a birthmother.  Followed by this very interesting statement:

"It is to difficult for the birth mother to maintain her place and most often believes that she is owed special privileges following her decision to give her child up based on reasons that she later regrets."

I am interested to know what is a birthmother's place? 

In the most beautiful adoption relationships that I have researched and read about, the birthmother's place is respected and embraced.  In the same way that the adoptive parents are loved and respected. The adoptive parents appreciate the birth family for the role that they have in their child's life.  In those open adoptions the birthmother becomes an extended member of their family.  And the birthmother in return respects, loves and honors the parents of the child.

I know for certain I have never once said or even implied that I am owed any special privileges because I am a birthmother.  I asked one time to see the child.  They respectfully declined and I did not say another word about it.  I have never asked again.  The visit we did have was offered by Brit's mother and father. And we were grateful when they allowed us that time with her.

"She then begins to project blame, guilt and grieving on the mother who is loving, raising and embracing each moment of life with the gorgeous little girl."

This blog is about me and my feelings.  I do not call Brit's parents and cry to them.  These are not letters to Brit's parents.  This is a heartfelt sharing of my most intimate feelings.  Right or wrong.  They are my feelings.

The time I did talk to Brit's father on the phone, he willingly called me and I was clear that I did not blame them for anything.  I simply told him how hard it was to have such a broken heart.  I was just being honest because I firmly believe that in this situation, it was important that we all understood where we stood in the post adoption adjustment.

I specifically have stated here in my blog that Brit's parents were not the cause of my grief.  I was grieving the loss of a child and I think even more than that, I grieved the loss of a friendship.  Yes, the fact that they pulled back and ended the close relationship we had prior to her birth was very painful for me.  But after talking to Brit's father, I better understood why it had happened and I respected him and them for sharing that with me.  And I in return told them how I felt.  They did not intend to hurt me.  And I certainly have never intended to hurt them either.

I have always owned my own grief.  I was not coerced into an adoption plan.  I am a mature, educated, self sufficient woman. I made the decision. Now I wish that I would have done some things differently.  I wish that I would have asked more specific questions about what our future relationship with this child would look like. I wish I would have done more post-adoption grief research prior to placement.  I wish we all would have sat together and worked out a post-adoption plan that we could go back to when things got so tough for all of us because we were on an emotional roller coaster.  But the past is just that.  Now we must look forward.

Never once have I "dumped" my grief on them.  I save the grief dumping for here.  This began as a private blog that no one read.  Then a couple of adoptive mom's found it and now I have a few followers.  Only one is a person who I know and she is the one who connected me to the parents in the first place.  All other followers are from states far from me.  Not even my family knew about this blog.  It is simply a place that I have found others like me who can help me process post-adoption grief.  And a place where I can see and better understand perspectives of adoptive families.

The next portion of her comment, I just completely disagree with.

"I do not mean to appear disrespect but it appears to me from reading all of your blogs that you have expectations that are unrealistic and very unfair to this little angel.

You had roughly 8 months during your pregnancy and 12 hours post birth to parent her but apparently chose not to parent her due no commitment of marriage from your boyfriend, older kids you have already raised and your age."


I do not believe my expectations are unrealistic, nor are they unfair to our little angel.  I do not request visits, I do not hound her parents.  The only place that I even speak of these things is right here on this blog.  This is where I think out loud and wish for something different.  If I were calling them, or emailing them, begging for more, then I could begin to see your point.  I do none of those things. 

I want a relationship with Brit and I was clear about that prior to her birth.  I didn't know when that relationship would begin, but there was never any question about whether or not we would want to have a relationship with Brit and her parents.  We intended to maintain our friendship with them.  I had no reason to believe that would change.

Now, maybe that sounds unrealistic to someone who doesn't want to deal with a birthmother.  And if it does, then I am very glad that this commenter found an adoption relationship that relieves her of such a "burden". I hope that it also works for the child involved.

The rest of the comment is just mean spirited.  It is obvious that this person does not read all of the love and affection that I have toward Brit's parents.  I never speak ill of them.  I always say how grateful I am that they love sweet Brit with all the love I could ever want for her.

If I were an addict, or had other issues that would be difficult to deal with, I can understand why an adoptive couple would maintain a distance.  But even if that were the case, children have a natural curiosity about their biological family.  In spite of the circumstances from which they came. For the sake of the child, knowing more rather than less about his/her birth family seems to have the most benefit.

I did not choose an anonymous family for my child.  I chose her parents specifically because they were like us.  We got along great.  They will provide for their daughter the same kind of life she would have had with us had we stayed together, gotten married and parented her.

I spent 6 months of my life getting to know her mother.  We laughed together, cried together and created a friendship.  She met my children.  We have many commonalities.  She is exactly the mother I wanted for my daughter.  And since I wasn't in a place to do that, I am so thankful we found them.

The closing of her comment was also very mean spirited. But I share it again because there is a single ounce of truth to it.

"They do not HAVE to maintain contact and I am amazed they have continued to do so this long. Kudos to them for being so patient with your self-centered expectations. You should be grateful and at their mercy... "

She did get one thing right.  I am grateful for Brit's parents. Thankfully they have an empathy and a true heart for the best interest of their child.  I am so lucky that God brought them into my life and not someone who had no intentions of having to deal with the complications of a birthmother.  I am praying for this commenter. My heart hurts just seeing the hateful thoughts that fill her heart.

IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS COMMENT FROM AN ADOPTEE.

Now here is the a comment that I would really like to talk about.  This comment came today after I posted the original nasty message.  I don't know this person, but she sounds very grounded and insightful.  I love the things she had to say.  They are very true.

"That was harsh wasn't it? Well, as an adult adoptee I would have to say adoption is harsh for us too.

My wish is that everyone would understand how hard and lifelong painful it is BEFORE they decide that it will be a win-win-win for everyone.

You can continue by being honest on your blog. It seems you though it would be like you were raising your child from afar without the responsibility, but able to enjoy all the milestones. Its not so easy is it? It will not be easy for your child either.

And if this adoption closes, it will also be hard for both of you. There are no easy answers, just a lifetime of loss.

And as you see, some adoptive parents just want everyone to get over it, so they can continue with the "as if born to" fantasy.

Good luck with your hard choices, I hope you can find a way to compromise and keep the best interests of your child in mind."

The only thing that I would say that is not true of my expectations of adoption is the idea that I would be able to share in milestones.  I knew that I was relinquishing that right when we made her adoption plan.  I knew I would be loving from afar most of the time. 

That doesn't mean it still doesn't make me sad.  I wish it wasn't this way.  I wish I could have kept Brit and raised he in the same manner that her parents are raising her now.  But I couldn't.  And they are.  Brit benefits.

I never had any intention of being a co-parent.  I am not Brit's parent.  But I love her.  And I want a relationship with her.  It will not be like her relationship with her mom.  That special place belongs to her mom.  But I can still have a meaningful relationship with Brit, and her parents.  It is just different than being her parent.

I want to be their family friend.  I want to share in the joys of Brit's life.  I don't expect that I will be there for all of them.  But I want to celebrate them just the same.  Even if it is at a distance most of the time.  I liken it to the kind of relationship I have with my sister and nephew.  I am crazy, head-over heels in love with that little guy.  I try to spend as much time as possible with him.  But I am not his mother.  However, I love him like crazy anyway.  I wasn't there when he took his first steps, but I rejoiced when they told me that he finally started walking.  I wish my relationship with Brit and her family was like that.

I want Brit to always know who we are so she doesn't fantasize about her birth family.  I want us to be real to her.  I want her to understand from a as early as she can comprehend, that we chose her parents especially for her, not because we didn't want her, but because we wanted her to have more than we could provide for her at the time.

I don't want Brit to feel like she lost anything.  I want her to have everything that is available to her.  Parents who love her, a birth family who also loves her, and an identity of who she is and where she came from.

I hope that by being involved in some type of relationship with Brit, she will be able to appreciate all of the ways that she is special to so many people.

I want to shield her from as much loss as I possibly can.  I have always wanted only the best for her.  And I hope that is exactly what she receives.

Pray for those who hurt you

So I received my first profoundly hateful comment on my blog yesterday.  I just want to share it with my other open adoption readers here.  I don't have the energy to address all that she had to say today.  But I will say that I am so very sorry for what she is missing because of her lack of empathy and appreciation for her birth family. 

It is very interesting that she is so vehement in her passion for forgetting about the part of the adoption triad that made her a parent.  I am hopeful and prayerful that something changes in her life to allow her to see what a beautiful thing open adoption can be.

I am glad for this comment because it reminds me of how wonderful all of you mothers in open adoptions are.  The ways that you put aside your own uncomfortable feelings and make decisions on behalf of the best interests of your child.  I just want to reach out and hug all of you who are so good to your birth families and in return such a blessing to your children!

"Found your blog and found it interesting. I am a parent of a closed adoption. Your emotional blog is exactly the reason we elected a closed adoption. It is to difficult for the birth mother to maintain her place and most often believes that she is owed special privileges following her decision to give her child up based on reasons that she later regrets. She then begins to project blame, guilt and grieving on the mother who is loving, raising and embracing each moment of life with the gorgeous little girl.

I do not mean to appear disrespect but it appears to me from reading all of your blogs that you have expectations that are unrealistic and very unfair to this little angel. You had roughly 8 months during your pregnancy and 12 hours post birth to parent her but apparently chose not to parent her due no commitment of marriage from your boyfriend, older kids you have already raised and your age.

Why are you so insensitive and uncaring of her mother? Is it because she is the one experiencing what you are not and that increases your emotions of guilt and grieving? I have to admit that the parents are amazing for maintaining an opening communication with you at all as that is a very difficult thing to do. Try putting yourself in their shoes and having a birth mother who made her choice for whatever reason expecting to keep so much involvement. That is not healthy, mentally or physically.

Embrace your life now and be grateful that God has blessed you with this couple. Grieve and process your guilt as it is yours and yours alone to bare, not the parents loving this little angel. Being overly hyper-sensitive of her mother's protective instincts are going to eventually close the doors of opportunity to maintain contact if you are not careful and mindful.

They do not HAVE to maintain contact and I am amazed they have continued to do so this long. Kudos to them for being so patient with your self-centered expectations. You should be grateful and at their mercy... "