Visits

No, this post is not about a visit with Brit.  There are none on the horizon.


Instead, I am sitting here today thinking about how happy I am for two of my blog world friends who are having family time together this week.


A first mother friend of mine is spending almost a full week with her son and his parents at her house.  They live several states apart and visits are hard to come by as all of the adults work and have to synchronize their schedules to make visits happen.  My friend has been posting occasional photos and videos and I find myself going back to her FB page over and over, just to make sure I haven't missed any pictures.  My heart is filled with joy for all of them as they get to spend so much time together with the sweet little one year old who means the world to all of them. Big sister included (she is being parented by my friend).  


This visit is also the first time the birth father has seen his son since the 30 minutes he had with him at the hospital after his birth.  Looking at photos of him holding his son just melts my heart.  They also took a picture of the two children holding hands while they are asleep, and I must say it made me cry to see siblings who have been reunited.


Another dear family I have gotten to know (and also love) is celebrating their 6 year old daughter's birthday this week.  As part of their annual tradition they have flown her birthmother in so she can be with them for several days.  Their adoption is very open and the little girl talks to her birthmother via Sk.ype every week.  My favorite quote was said by the daughter as she talked to her little sister (who is also adopted and enjoys an open adoption too).  Little Ally must have been aggravated with her sister trying to get some attention, because she looked at her sister and said " "Cristina is MY BIRTHMOTHER Jessie!" To which her mother replied that "family is for everyone".  I LOVED IT!

I am so glad these families are getting some special time with each other.  It fills my heart with joy.

Simply amazing

I read the following blog post last week (Adoptive and birth mom interview) and have not been able to shake it from my mind since then.  From the moment I found Amber at Bumber's Bumblings, I knew she was an over the top, unbelievable adoptive mom.

I follow her through blog land and FB and we have since become virtual friends too.

But all weekend I found my mind wandering back to her interview with her child's first mom Ashley.  The way they talk about each other.  The respect for one another.  And the shared love of one little boy who has brought two families together.

There is one line in their interview that just got my heart with a direct hit, it is Amber (adoptive mom) speaking to Ashley (birthmom);

"I worry that we try to spend too much time with you. I also worry that we ask you to babysit too much, and maybe that is offensive to you."

WOAH!!!!

Could you imagine that?  An adoptive mom who wants to spend time with her child's birth mother?  An adoptive mom who wants her child's birth mother to be the child's caregiver in their absence.  An adoptive mom who feels like she tries too hard to be inclusive.  The concept nearly brings me to tears right now.

This line was especially poignant to me because of a conversation I had with BF when he and I found out that our daughter's parents were expecting twins just months after adopting our daughter.

He and I were discussing the impact of this on Brit and our future relationship with her parents.  BF, being more optimistic than I am with regard to this topic, said to me.. "Wouldn't it be great if some day that would trust us enough to let us watch all of their kids so they could go out and enjoy a night by themselves?  Just think, maybe someday they will WANT us to keep Brit so they can have a little time alone."

Now, if you are a reader of my blog, you know that we are no where near this kind of relationship with them.  Actually, that is probably an understatement.

But...

When reading Amber's comments about asking Ashley to babysit B, it made me realize this is a possibility with some open adoption relationships.  The idea that they go out together as adults (Ashley and Amber) and they have conversations like friends, makes me want to cry tears of joy.  What a blessing to B.  There is no threat from him loving both of his mothers, because both of his mothers love each other!

I also love the joy that seems to come to both families in this relationship.  Not just the moms, but also the extended families.

And it is not just Amber and Ashley who have this type of deep friendship and mutual respect for what each brings to the relationship with the child.  I have read several blogs of adoptive moms and first moms who have similar relationships that include the birth family spending alone time with the child, while the parents have some grown up time.  A great post to this topic is from Lori titled Returning to the Well.

I think there is great maturity and insight that Lori shares about how her daughter NEEDS time with her birth family.  And the time she spends with them is an investment in her well-being.

So for today, that will be my happy thought.  There are some amazing adoptive moms out there who not only value the role of their child's birth family, but they also invest in a genuine friendship with the child's other family.

To you amazing mommas, I tip my hat!  (and have a whole lot of envy, but that is something I am working on!)

And to my dear sweet Brit, I hope that someday BF and I are in the crowd cheering you on as you dance, sing or play sports.  I also hope that someday we can deliver the gifts for you and your siblings, instead of sending them in the mail.  We can't wait to be a part of your life!

Being a birthmom at Christmas = emotional trainwreck at any given moment

The boys showing off their new bags

As a whole we had a great Christmas.  The boys got along beautifully and got everything their hearts desired.  My BF absolutely stepped up this Christmas season, welcoming me and the boys into his home for an entire week, making us all feel like the family we plan to be someday.  He was so good to all of us, generous and inclusive.  I think I may have fallen even more in love with him as the week progressed.

While it was good and happy most of the time, I will admit, I had a few breakdowns. 

The first was at the beginning of the break when it became apparent that we would not be seeing Brit this holiday season.  We were hopeful that it would work for her family to come over and let us give her the gifts we chose for her (and a couple for her siblings).  However, the week of Christmas we finally got a note from them saying their schedule just didn't allow the time.  It was very hard on both BF and me.  We had both been very hopeful that it would work out.  We had waited several weeks to see if our request for them to join us for a little time would be doable.  Apparently it just didn't work for them.

So we mailed the gifts.  Mailed them to their home, which happens to be about 7 miles from our home.  It broke our hearts.  ALOT.  BF did a great job consoling me.  It required holding me as I sobbed for hours until I finally fell asleep.  Followed by a second day filled with tears at work.

But I had to move on.  We have a house full of boys who are here with me now who needed me to pull it together.  So I did.

Many happy memories were made before breakdown number two.

As we were getting ready to leave the house to head to BF's family Christmas, BF handed me the photo book that I had created for both of our mothers which included a year full of pictures of Brit.  He said to me that we should probably wait until later to give it to his mom. So let's guess what that started?... Yep, the floodgates.  He was right.  The nieces and nephews at her house would be confused because they barely remember me being pregnant.  And explaining who the baby was in the pictures would be complicated. Timing would be better later.  BUT.  That was all I needed to go into orbit. 

I already missed Brit dearly that Christmas Eve, and suddenly I had a catalyst to start the tears.  Again, BF wrapped his arms around me and told me he knows this is hard.  I cried for a few minutes, walked around out in the cold, pulled myself together and headed over to his mom's.  I also partook in a glass of wine which calmed my nerves enough that I could participate in holiday festivities.

Again, we enjoyed a nice Christmas Eve and when we woke up Christmas morning I did pretty well.  Until after all the boys' stockings were unloaded and they all scattered to their rooms.  As soon as they were out of sight, I found myself back in bed, curled up in a ball, crying softly into my pillow.  BF came looking for me after a while and again, just held me until it passed.  All I could think was that we were missing someone.  Everything was not OK.

I am so glad that he realizes that there is no fixing this.  Nothing he can say or do will make it better.  My heart is missing a piece.  It is gone and there is a painful hole there.  Most of the time I can function covering the hole with being busy.  But when family events happen, and we have all of our children together, I feel like there is a ghost child missing.  And unfortunately I cannot call her, or see her to reassure myself that everything is OK.

I know that Brit is loved and well cared for.  But I miss her and want to know her personally.  We love her too.  And I wish she knew us.  I wish she knew her brothers.

Sunday night I woke up from a deep sleep because I was dreaming of Brit and I realized I have no idea what her voice sounds like.  I couldn't go back to sleep with the nagging feeling of how I just needed to see her.  To know her.

I know that how things are today are not necessarily how they will always be.  That this distance between Brit's family and us may not always exist.

But living through this is really painful.  And waiting is so very hard.

Not equals

I had another dream about Brit.  It was the very best one yet. 

In the dream her parents were super busy with the twins.  For whatever reason, I was at their house for a visit and they essentially handed Brit over to me to let me entertain her and take care of her without any oversight by them.

It was wonderful.  We played.  She talked.  I was amazed by how she was putting words together.  And she trusted me.  She even snuggled her little head on my shoulder. 

It was amazing.

I sure do miss her.  Funny to think about missing someone who has only seen me once for two hours in the past year.

So when I woke up, I sent a text message to her BF.  He and I are still very friendly even though we are not a couple.  We will occasionally hang out together and we talk on the phone at least every few days.

In the text message I told him I had the dream and I would really like to see Brit again.

He texted back that he would too and wondered if we should try to contact her dad to see if we could set something up.

Later that evening, BF and I sat down and talked about how we wanted to handle asking.  We are afraid to ask too much.  We don't want to push them away.  Or make them feel like we are asking them to do something they are not comfortable with.  We wondered if we are asking too much.  We wrestled with timing and consideration of what might work best for them.

As we sat there talking about the visit we wish we could ask for, it struck me how carefully we tread so we don't offend.  Two professional, emotionally balanced, grown adults who are currently parenting 5 children of our own.

I was reminded that this is the inequality of power in a relationship that birthparents often refer to.  We are terrified that at any moment we could be shut out of our child's life.  If we push too much, say the wrong thing, behave the wrong way.  The list could go on.

I know potential adoptive parents worry about all those things too when the matching process is going on.  I have heard how APs hold their breath until the moment the termination papers are actually signed.

But then, it is over.  No more best behavior required.  They have the child and now get to make all the rules.  For 18 years, maybe even longer.

But for birthparents, we have to live every day post-relinquishment knowing that our open adoption could close at any moment.  Maybe because of something we have done.  Maybe because of reasons we aren't even aware of.

We are not an equal in the adoption triad.  No matter what people say.  Birthparents are rarely considered equal in the adoption relationship. 

Now, I don't believe everyone in the adoption triad should be equal.  I firmly believe the child should be the focus of every decision.  Adoption is something they have no control over.  Birthparents chose it.  Adoptive parents chose it.  And our children are the ones who have to deal with all of the decisions made by the adults.

But I wish that we as adults in adoption relationships didn't have to deal with the human need to claim our authority when it comes to the children.

And I know this from a limited perspective of being a divorced parent.  I have had to learn that while I may not like or approve of my ex-husband's parenting, decision making, or even the way he speaks to me, I cannot sever the relationship my children have with their father. 

He will always be their father.  I cannot pretend that he isn't.  Even if they had a step-father who was the greatest father ever to them, they still deserve to have a relationship with their father.  I don't get to decide whether or not they know him. (Understanding that I would NOT allow a relationship with a man who was abusive to my children - which is absolutely not the case in this example.)

I have to repress the feelings I have of control over my children and remember that this is not about ME, but about THEM, and what is ultimately best for them.  I would love to run away with them and start over with a life where I didn't have to share them back with a man who does not have an ounce of respect or consideration for me.

But it is not about ME.  It is about the CHILDREN.  And not being near their father, with complete access to him, would not be what is best for them.

So I put aside my pride, and move on.

Yet, in the open adoption relationship, there is potential for the birthparent to be completely discarded.  No explanation required.

It just doesn't seem very fair.

Back to our conversation about visits with Brit.  BF and I both decided that we would like to ask that we get at least two visits per year with Brit.  (Remember they live 10 minutes from us, this is not a logistics nightmare.)  I think this would help me know that if I just hang on for X many months, I will get to see her again.  Right now, I have complete uncertainty about if or when we will be allowed to see her again.

So we wrestled back and forth about when it would be easiest for those visits to happen.  We want to be super considerate of their schedules, and the complication that they have with two brand new infants.

We decided to wait until next week and email Brit's dad to see if he thinks that might work for their family.  BF is going to do it, man to man (which, can I say I respect SO much).  I love how both of the fathers in this adoption relationship are willing to talk to make this relationship as easy as possible for the mothers involved.  I bet that doesn't happen often.  Another area I should count as a blessing.

So we will be good birthparents.  We will wait patiently.  Ask for the minimum and pray that we will be granted time with Brit.

Being protective

Not that it is a newsflash, but the emotions that we experience as women are so very unpredictable.  At least mine are.  I am just a roller coaster on any given day.

Case in point, my reaction to comments here on my blog.

I love blogging because of the incredible network of people who reach out and offer advice and words of encouragement.  Even if they are not someone from the adoption world.

I love that.

With the good comes the bad.  And fortunately I have had very few negative comments here on my blog.  I know I am lucky.

However, even comments meant to be supportive of my position sometimes stir up a response of defensiveness in me.

This time it came in the form of defensiveness about "my" adoptive parents.

Yes, I lament about wanting more of a relationship with them.  I express hurt and pain.  But just like a parent is protective of their child, I find myself becoming very protective of my a-parents too.

Almost all comments on my blog are lovely and supportive of both me and the parents of Brit.  But occasionally one creeps in here that is not complimentary.

When that happens, my initial reaction is "Hey, don't you say negative things about my a-parents, you don't know their intentions or their heart!"  Yes, I know, ironic considering this is the place where I speak longingly of how I wish they would reach out to me more.

But I love them.  I love what they do provide to my child.  I love who they are as people.  I don't believe they do anything out of ill intentions.  They are just like me.  We are human, just trying to do the best we possibly can.  We are Christians looking for God's guidance with a situation we don't have any experience dealing with.

They did not deceive me to get my baby.  Their actions all make perfect sense.  They are up front with me about why they feel like they do and why they act like they do.  I don't have to speculate, because they have been honest in all communication with me and the BF. 

They do not do one thing and say another. The unmet expections that I have had with them stem from the grey area that we left undefined prior to Brit's birth.  I should have been more clear.   When I said I wanted for us to have a family visit before the end of summer, I should have confirmed with them that they would be willing to do that.  Instead I assumed that since they didn't say no, it would happen.  But even if we had agreed to the visit, I still don't know if it would have happened, based upon the emotions they were feeling at that time.

We just didn't know what an adoption relationship would be like.  And the strong feelings we would all have to work through.

To clear up some details, we had no formal agreement.  Every interaction between Brit's parents and me is by our own free will.  We had a private adoption with no agency involved.  No social worker.  No plan.

So we are navigating a path that none of the four of us know anything about.  Both Brit's mom and I read lots of books before the adoption.  Only speaking from my perspective, but when I read them, I found myself thinking, "That doesn't apply to US.  We are all good friends.  We can figure this out."

For the most part that is true.  We still communicate. And I firmly believe we all love and respect each other.  We simply see open adoption differently.  I see it as an active relationship.  I would describe their perspective as a passive relationship.

We just didn't know what it would really feel like when we all got home from the hospital.  I would never ever judge Brit's mom's actions or reactions because she had just become a first time mom. 

I remember what that was like and it is alot of guessing, crying, little sleep and an overwhelming feeling of love that you never even knew existed. 

But what I don't have any experience with is what that would be like coupled with the knowledge that my joy came with the grief of another mother.

If the adoption would have been closed she would not have known.  If she didn't care about me, it wouldn't have bothered her. She would have just been able to focus on her child. 

But Brit's parents are good people.  It did matter to them that my heart hurt.  But they also needed to protect their own hearts.  They had to deal with their feelings and emotions just like I had to deal with mine.  Unfortuately, the way that they dealt with their emotions made mine worse.  I don't believe they knew that.  Neither one of us could read the mind of the other.

One of the comments I received talked about how adoption relationships take work, just like other relationships. The difficult part about adoption relationships is that there are few resources to help us navigate through them.  Very few of us have ever seen an example of an open adoption (until we enter into one ourselves and we seek those out here in the cyber world!).  Global Librarian was right on the money with those thoughts.  So very true.

I also appreciated the comments from Faith about how we shouldn't judge the a-parents just because I want a relationship that looks a certain way, and Brit's parents might not.

She is also very right to that point.

They have every "right" to feel like they do, just like I have every "right" to my own feelings.

I think it is very encouraging that we all can say how we are feeling to each other.  I am so glad I don't have an agency that we are working through.  Sure, maybe it would have been easier sometimes, but I want a REAL relationship with Brit's parents.  And that means having easy and tough conversations directly with each other.

If Brit's parents were to ever contact me or BF and say that they have decided that they want one visit per year and quarterly emails with pictures, then I will honor that decision.  I will wish for more, but I chose them as the parents of Brit.  They get to decide.  Just like Brit will get to decide later if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me and BF.  I wish I could be part of that decision, but as we all know, birthparents have no legal recourse.  By design.  It is unfortunate, but I understand completely why it is this way.

I recognize that my situation is a bit unique.  Most birthmothers are not over 35, parenting other children, financially sound and without addiction issues.  I am not the stereo-typical birthmom.  However, I have found that there are others like me.  Birthmothers can be your neighbor.

I believe that a very open adoption relationship would be very healthy for all of us.  We live close.  We are all stable adults.  We share the same faith.  And from my research, children in very open adoptions are well adjusted and are less likely to describe their adoption situation as a negative experience.

I don't want Brit to ever have negative feelings about the way her family was created.  I want her to feel special.  We chose her parents so she could have the very best. I want to be a part of her life so she doesn't wonder and so the story is always clear.  I want her to experience knowing both families her entire life.

I believe this would be the best situation for Brit, but what makes me the expert? I think I know what would be best, but maybe I don't.  I certainly believe that not all adopted children in closed adoptions harbor ill feelings or will be poorly adjusted adults.  My first husband was adopted in a closed adoption relationship and he has no ill feelings toward any of his parents.

But I must trust that God's hand is in this relationship.  If it weren't such a personal story that belongs to Brit's parents, I would share how they came into our lives and how perfect God's timing was in both Brit's parents journey to become parents, and our journey to find parents for Brit.  There are no coincidences here.  God orchestrated something that we could not have planned even if we tried.

I am fortunate to have chosen parents who I know have a faith in God like I do.  They do not make rash decisions.  They prayerfully consider what is best for their family.

So here is the peace that I have come to.  This belongs to God.  Brit is loved and cared for.  I have absolutely nothing to worry about.  And my desires to have more connection to her and her family are for Him to orchestrate once again.

Philippians 4:6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

PS - Thank you everyone for the comments both positive and negative.  It is so good for me to hear and see differening perspectives on this topic.  It has made me more understanding and increased my compassion for everyone in the adoption triad.  I appreciate each comment for the value it adds.