and we're waiting

BF and I have been checking our email from our phones all day long.  Just waiting for the update.  Even sweet Lanman knew that today was the 25th.

Can't wait to see her sweet little face.

January email update

We got our monthly email today followed by some pictures. Brit's dad shared examples of how Brit is amazing and exceptional for an 'almost 2' year old.

Fingers crossed

I think about Brit all the time.  I wish she was with us and sharing our crazy life.

I know Brit has no idea that there is even a crazy world out there. She is sheltered, cherished and loved.  Living the existence a one year old should have.

So during the the last two weeks, I am glad to say I have been able to think about Brit without tears streaming down my face.  I can think about her without the deep anguish that usually debilitates me.

Then Sunday something absolutely amazing happened.  I received an email from Brit's mom.  She responded to an email I had sent back to her husband when he sent the last update which was about a week ago.

You see, in the beginning, I used to send long emails back to Brit's parents telling them what was going on in our lives.  I would attach a couple of pictures thinking they would appreciate seeing what we were up to, just like I enjoy hearing about their family.

Later I learned that Brit's mom had a hard time looking at our pictures.  She would see pictures of me and be reminded how much Brit looked like me.

When I found that out, I stopped sending them.

As time went on, I stopped talking much about our life at all.  Instead I would thank them for the updates and respond kindly to whatever story they shared with us about Brit.

Never once would they follow up and ask how we were doing.  They wouldn't ask what we were up to.  Our information sharing was definitely a one way street.  They shared what they wanted us to know, and we thanked them.

But this time, I just disregarded my past discretion and decided that I wanted to start sharing back with them again.  Now that they have two more children (the twins just born this summer), I felt like the infertility grief and the sadness about Brit possibly being their only child might be better now.  Maybe it wouldn't be so threatening to send pictures and stories about us now.

So I did.  I sent a long email telling them what we have been up to and attached several pictures.

And this time, Brit's MOM wrote back.  That is a really big deal.  First of all, she has to be exhausted.  She has newborn twins and a one year old.  Plus she has to be an emotional mess.  She just gave birth.  She should be on a hormone roller coaster.

But she sent a super nice email in response to what I had sent.  Now, she didn't mention the pictures at all.  But she did acknowledge the things I shared about what was going on in our lives.  And she even ended the email saying she was going to try to get a picture of Brit swinging the golf clubs we sent her.

It is amazing how an email that would be so small and insignificant in any other relationship was a HUGE deal to me in this relationship.  It was almost the kind of email that we used to exchange before Brit was born.

I am so hopeful that this might be an indicator that things might get better.  Maybe we can re-establish the kind of relationship that I enjoyed pre-baby.

Fingers crossed.

Today is the 25th - and I know what that means

I cry and greive because I want more relationship with my adoptive parents.  But let me say this loud and clear.  They are AWESOME about sending me a monthly update.  Always.  Without fail.  On the 25th of every month (Brit's birthday).

They now have twins at home.  Three children ages one and younger.  Yet they send an email update. Every single month. For 16 months.

How condsiderate is that?

Yeah, I know I want more.  But knowing what some of you birthmom's go through waiting for an update, I will celebrate this one area where I am so lucky.

Brit's paretns are very private people.  So I told them I would try to just share the pictures that they send me with my friends.  But I have to share this one.  Could this girl be any cuter?

She wants to feed the babies (her twin brother and sister), but Elmo will have to do for now.  Apparently they did let her try to feed one of the twins and she LOVED it.
She is so advanced.  And might I say stinkin' cute.

I just want to scoop her up and snuggle her.  Someday....

Until then, I will read and re-read her daddy's emails about what she is up to now.

How cool is it that her dad takes the time to write the updates?

Sweet baby girl.  I wish things were different.  But you are so very happy.  And really, since I can't change anything, I guess that is what I would want for you.

I love you Brit!

The big 14 month old

I got my Brit update.  As usual, it was very nice.

Important facts to note:

Brit loves apple cores.  Not apples.  Notice the core she is eating in the picture.  When served an apple she won't eat it.  When she finds an apple core, it's hers!

We now have noticeable hair!  FINALLY.  Look at that cute curl on top!

She is learning how to be cute and adorable when she is testing the water with something she knows will get her in trouble.  When her parents tell her that something is "not for Brit", she comes over and hugs their leg.  I love it!

Grandma and grandpa have created a Brit playland in their backyard filled with slides, a house, a picnic table and just lots of room to run back and forth.  It is her favorite place.  Thankfully they live just down the street.

Her momma is still doing well with the pregnancy and the twins.  She is trying to hold out as long as possible.  She is due in August, but just hopes to make it to July.  Dad is home now and can wait on both of his girls all summer long.

I am lucky to get updates.  But I still feel the pain of wanting to touch her, hold her and snuggle her up.  I'm pretty sure this feeling never goes away.

It's the 25th

I get an update from Brit's parents the 25th of each month (her birthday).  I woke up this morning and it was the first thing I thought of.

I can't wait to hear how things are going and to see her sweet little face.

Got an update today

I got an update with Easter pictures from Brit's family today.  She is so happy.  So loved.  And so stinkin cute!

Her dad writes the funniest email updates.  Nothing against updates from the mom, but the dad is a crack up.

I saw the pictures, read the email and didn't cry.

I am actually OK with it today.

Progress?  Maybe.

This is a slightly creepy picture of me, but you get the idea.

Or maybe today is just a good day. 

Whatever the reason, I will rejoice that I can look at pictures of sweet Brit and be happy, not sad.

Not much to say

Not too much to report today.  Yesterday was my birthday and for some reason I thought maybe Brit's mom would send an email or a note.  That didn't happen.  Actually, I take that back.  She did send an email reply to one I sent her on Monday about a mutual acquaintance of ours whose husband had a brain tumor removed.  She thanked me for the update.  And to be honest, it was a nice light hearted email.  Just a couple of sentences, but I figure any correspondence from her is better than none.

I try to keep my interactions with Brit's mom light hearted and non-chalant.  I know that there is a huge white elephant that stands between the two of us and meaningful conversation.  I try not to dwell on the conversations that we had prior to Brit's birth about how we would always be friends.  I know things change.  I just wish they hadn't.

So now I wait for my January email update with pictures.  I am so very glad I get that.  So many birthmothers don't.  So as sorry as I feel for myself and how our relationship hasn't developed like I thought it would, I do remember that I am still very fortunate to have what I do get.