Often I am asked why we placed Brit if we so badly want a relationship with her. A very fair question.
The simple answer is: When we chose adoption we chose a permanent solution to a temporary situation.
BF and I had just started dating. We had been together a matter of weeks when I got pregnant. There is no excuse for why. We are old enough to know better, we are educated, we are responsible in most other areas of our lives. We simply did not communicate well about this area of our relationship.
When I found I was pregnant we were faced with what we felt like was an unbelievable set of circumstances. Two people, just getting to know each other, newly divorced, raising 5 boys of our own as single parents. Both over 35 years old and 'done having children'. Or so we thought.
BF is an accountant. He is calculated. He plans. He rationalizes. And it takes him a REALLY long time to make a commitment to something/someone. He has to be certain.
I am impulsive. I love fast and easily. I believe all things will work out for the best and that people are good. I trust and forgive easily. I deal with things only if I have to. Denial is a preferred method for difficult situations if at all possible.
So being unexpectedly pregnant threw both of us for a loop. It didn't fit into any plan BF had for his life, and I simply did not know what to do about it. We were overwhelmed.
While it is probably an understood, I think it bears stating. Pregnancy does not induce the most clear thinking of a woman's life. Hormones wreak havoc. Thoughts swirl. Tears come easily. Insanity is just below the surface. Small problems can become huge issues resulting in overreaction. To say the least.
I just couldn't fathom how I was going to be able to parent the 3 boys I had, plus care for a new baby. I felt like the weight of bearing that load was oppressive. And not fair to any of the children involved. Especially this child.
BF was equally overwhelmed. The idea of parenting a child with someone he had just started dating (I am quite a catch but he didn't realize it yet, lol), was more than he could imagine.
We had a problem (so we thought), so we had to find a solution. Abortion was not an option for me so that was quickly eliminated. So we could parent or place this child with another family.
We found ourselves saying over and over again how we wanted this child to have a set of married parents, just like our boys had when they were born. We wanted him/her to have an idyllic childhood, like we had planned for our boys. We both hated the fact that our children were now dealing with divorced parents. We had never wanted that for any of them.
So if we could give this child an advantage instead of a disadvantage by providing her with a loving, intact family from the very beginning, weren't we doing the right thing for her?
That was our justification.
Brit deserved two married parents, just like her brothers had when they were born.
So we made the decision to place without ever seriously considering parenting. Parenting just didn't seem to be the logical choice. We believed we should do the 'right thing' for this child, giving her married parents.
We chose her parents, and began developing our relationship with them. They became a part of our lives.
The abbreviated version of that story would be: A couple wanted to be parents, heard about us, thought we were the solution to their problem (infertility). We saw them as the solution to our need for a married set of parents for our child.
It was as simple as that. They were good people, the kind of people we thought would be great parents. They were like us. They were willing and able to do what we thought we could not.
Now for the hindsight...
BF and I should have spent alot of time talking about parenting. We should have let our hearts realize that this was OUR child. We should have only considered parenting until we could justify why we couldn't parent.
I did not do adequate research. Once I made the decision that adoption was our choice, I did not want to read horror stories. I didn't want to hear about anything that would conflict with what I believed would be a fairy tale ending to this story. So I stopped reading anything except happy adoption supportive literature.
Brit's parents were not done dealing with infertility. They knew they wanted to be parents. Adoption was the next logical solution to make that happen. They had not had any pre-adoption counseling. They had just begun inquiring about adoption. They had barely had a chance to process what parenting an adopted child would entail. I believe they were not yet prepared for becoming parents through adoption (just like we were not prepared to become 'birthparents'). They were ready to be parents. But being adoptive parents takes a whole heap of fortitude that not everyone is able to handle, especially without professional advice before you enter an adoption relationship.
BF and I had no idea what having a child who we would not be able to have a relationship with would do to us as people. We had no idea how strong the desire would be for us to have a relationship with our child after she was born. We were convinced this would be a neat and tidy situation. Child has parents, parents love baby, we are happy for all of them and their perfect world.
I should have not become so emotionally vested in my relationship with Brit's adoptive mother. Because every time I had thoughts about keeping Brit, I thought about how it would hurt her mom and I didn't want to hurt her/them.
Although we saw two separate counselors repeatedly, I should have found someone who had extensive birthparent experience. I should have sought wise counsel.
There are so many more things I could list here. But it all comes down to this...
If only we would have known then what we know now, the decision would have been different.
Hindsight.
BF and I should be parenting Brit. We should have parented her from the beginning. We should not have ever entertained the idea of adoption. We are capable, experienced parents and we should have just pulled ourselves up and said, we can do this. It might not be ideal, but we can do this.
I am not anti-adoption. I do believe there are some people who should not or cannot parent children, whether or not they give birth to them. But what I have realized is that if at all possible, keeping a child with his or her birth family should be the very first choice. Even if it is hard.
But if it cannot be done, for reasons that are more than just temporary, then the child should still be allowed a relationship with his/her first family.
I made what I thought was the logical choice for Brit's well being based only on the circumstances as they presented themselves at that time. There was SO much more to consider. We thought we were doing the right thing.
BF and I are good parents. We are good providers. We love our children. We should have spent more time focusing on that.
However...
The adoption decision is irrevocable (especially in Kansas, there is absolutely no recourse. Papers are signed 48 hours after birth and there is no revocation period.).
My daughter is being raised by a different family. That is the reality.
All we can do now is try to make this the very best situation for her. The decision was made. Right or wrong. It's over.
I will not undermine her parents. They are her parents now. I will support them, and love them. That's what families do. I will do my part to make this the very best relationship I can. Even when it's hard.
I have no blame for anyone but myself. I made the decision. I am now living the consequences of that decision. The regret and grief is self-inflicted.
So onward.
Now, we are going to do everything in our power to be available to that little girl. We are going to work on our relationship with her parents. We are vested. We will not just give up on the idea of an open adoption just because it is hard. Families work through relationship struggles. We are committed to filling whatever role we are allowed to have in the life of sweet Brit. We are going to continue to love her to pieces. And hopefully, that will not have to be from afar.
Final thoughts:
Please do not read the preceding and make any assumption that I am against adoption. There are people who should be parents. People who may not give birth to a child, but who love the child in their life as if they did.
Adoption is not an innately bad thing. On the contrary, I believe that adoption can be a beautiful thing. I derive so much joy from reading about my friends who have beautiful, healthy, open adoptions. Not perfect adoption relationships. But they make the best of what they have. Just like any of us do as parents. They respect the role of everyone in the adoption relationship and they are child centric, focusing on what is best for the child, not just what is least painful for the adults.
Because of my research and now very personal interest in adoption relationships, I have also developed a heart for children in foster care. Those children DESERVE families who love them. Forever families. I am so thankful there are good people who are willing to take on that role for those children.
There are no manuals for life (with the exception of the Bible, which I should read more!). We are all just trying to do the best we can, adapting as we go along.
Life is complicated and people are messy. We are all doing what we think is best.
And everyone should be treated with a little more grace and compassion. Everyone.
Showing posts with label adoption decision. Show all posts
Showing posts with label adoption decision. Show all posts
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
How we got here
A couple of times people have asked me if I have contacted my agency or social worker about acting as a liaison to help me with my desire for more contact with Brit's family.
The answer is no. Simply because we don't have either. Brit's parents and I were matched privately, through a mutual friend. All of our interaction was on our own terms. Completely unfacilitated. We had an attorney draw up the paperwork, but that was just a quick meeting.
As far as the "open adoption agreement", we don't have one. And even if we did, our state does not enforce them. All open adoptions are left to the adoptive parents to honor if they so choose. Even if it is written in some type of document, it is unenforceable, because birthparents have no rights. They are terminated immediately and irrevocably in the State of Kansas.
But following is how we got to where we are today.
(If you are Brit's family or friends of them, please do not take offense. This is my perspective. My story. And completely one-sided I'm sure. It is definitely skewed because of my emotional involvement. There is absolutely no way I can be objective. Please accept my apology if the following is offensive to you. It is not inteded to be.)
When we were choosing adoption for Brit, none of us had been down this path. Our families had little or no experience with it. My first husband was adopted in a closed adoption and has no desire to seek his birthfamily. I have a friend who has an adopted son who does not have any relationship with his birthfamily. I don't think Brit's parents knew anyone who had adoption experience. We were all far from experts.
Brit's mom and I did some online research and read some books. But to be honest, not nearly enough reading and research. It was only after Brit's birth and my complete disintegration as a person that I researched intensively.
My statement to them during my pregnancy was that I thought we would just let it go and see how our open adoption developed. I never wanted to intrude on their life with this child. I wanted them to feel like they were the parents. I expected that we would continue our friendship and interaction that we had developed during the pregnancy. We never talked about visits or had a formal plan. We talked about it being child driven.
You see, while I was pregnant, we talked all the time. On the phone, in person and via email. Brit's mom went to every single doctor's appt with me. I included her on everything. I shared when Brit started to kick (we matched very early in the pregnancy), when she was giving me fits at night and we always talked about the silly hiccups she constantly had.
We went to dinner a couple of times with Brit's parents. We were great friends.
We didn't make a plan, because honestly I never ever dreamed I would need one.
I had made a new friend. She seemed like she was one of my sisters. We got along great. There was absolutely nothing that made me think that would ever change.
At the end of the pregnancy I did say to Brit's mom that I would love for all of us to have a get together before school started again in fall (Brit was born in March). I thought it would be neat to have Brit and her family get together with us and our families. Brit's mom never indicated that she had no intentions of that ever happening. (Looking back now, I think she never intended to get together. But I don't think she was going to say that to me at that point.)
I should have realized that Brit's mom might not be fully open with me when she declined my two FB friend requests while I was pregnant. I never said anything to her about it, because I wanted to respect her privacy. But looking back now I wonder if that should have given me an indication that my interaction with her was always going to be limited. And please don't take this as any kind of accusation. I know she chooses to be private, so I let it go. Not everyone likes to be friends with everyone they know on FB. So I justified her actions with regard to this both then and still today.
During the hospital stay after Brit was born, we had her parents stay at the hospital with us. The first night BF and I kept Brit. The second night they kept her. Their family came in and out of my hospital room all the time. We even all had a pizza party. Me in all of my post-partum glory hosting a family get together with Brit's parent's families. Brothers, sisters, and parents. They were all there. It felt like we were all in this together. I was happy. This is exactly how I envisioned our relationship. One big extended family all loving one child.
The last day there, we didn't even have Brit's pictures taken by the photographer because BF and I said we would just let her parents have the pictures taken by their friend. We figured we would get some. (We got some emailed to us of a photo shoot that they did with her that didn't work out too well. But never received any actual pictures ever. If you can't tell this is something I regret deeply. I have never had a professional photo of Brit and I would sure love to have one.)
So we left the hospital, they thanked us for Brit, gave each of us a gift and we parted ways at the front door.
Not another text message. Not a phone call.
When I couldn't stand it anymore and I sent an email to Brit's mom the first of May (Brit was about 6 weeks old). She replied and it was nice. She included a couple of pictures of them at home with baby.
A couple of weeks later, I got us the courage to ask if Brit's mom in an email if I could meet her for lunch with Brit some day before she had to go back to work. That is when she emailed back and said she didn't mean to be disrespectful, but they weren't comfortable with that yet.
That was one of the very worst days of my life.
I left work, went home and cried hysterically. The kind of sobs that shake your entire soul. My best friend lives about 40 minutes away and she drove in to hold me. It makes me cry right now remembering that day.
That was the beginning of when I really recognized that we were purposely being kept at a distance. Without going back and recalling the exact timeline of how things happened, the basics of what happened after that are:
In September, (Brit was 6 months old) I completely lost my mind because I was getting less and less interaction from Brit's parents (they didn't reply to monthly email exchanges, they would just send an update and even if I asked a follow up, Brit's mom wouldn't reply). So one night I sent an email to Brit's dad and asked what I had done that had kept Brit's mom from emailing me. She used to be the one who talked to me all the time and then the updates stopped coming from her and started coming from him instead. It was blatantly obvious that she had stopped interacting with me.
He called me the next morning and it was a real eye opener. I found out that Brit's mom was dealing with infertility grief, a struggle with feeling like she was completely bonding with Brit as her mom, and the crushing idea that Brit might be their only child. He said that they had found themselves very protective of Brit.
It was after that phone conversation with Brit's dad that I realized that I was just going to have to wait until they were comfortable with being Brit's parents before they would ever consider any kind of personal interaction with us again. BF and I offered counseling for all four of us and they declined.
I also received an email back from Brit's mom (in response to my email to them about why I was no longer being interacted with) and I found out how pictures I was sending her of my kids and me made her realize Brit looks like me and it upset her. It was that day that I realized that my new interaction with them would include them emailing me when they wanted to, and I was no longer free to share pictures of our family back with them. (Another heartbreak)
HYSTERIA ensued. Privately of course. And it lasted weeks. I was debilitated with grief. Completely lacking hope.
Looking back now, I also realize they were actively pursuing pregnancy at this point.
From that point forward I promised to not ask again to see Brit. But I was very clear that I desperately wanted a visit with her and if there was ever a day or opportunity I would immediately be open to it.
It was then that I tried to stop focusing on what I didn't have and instead be a bigger person. I sent a birthday gift to Brit's mom in October. I just waited for them to email me (always on the 25th). I replied kindly, without pictures and always thanked them for continuing to share.
In November, a day before I would have normally received my monthly email, I emailed Brit's dad (who I was primarily corresponding with at this point) and I shared with him information about the benefits of open adoption and why I thought Brit and our families would benefit from more openness. He thanked me and told me he would consider it. That was the extent of that conversation.
For Christmas, BF and Brit's dad got together and had a drink and BF gave him our gifts for Brit. I got a nice email back from Brit's mom a couple of days later saying Brit loved the gifts. This was particularly hard for me as I know that Brit is only 10 minutes away. But I can't take her a Christmas present. I had to have my BF meet up in a private meeting with Brit's dad for the gift exchange.
Monthly emails came in Jan and Feb. Finally, March 7th (yes I know the day), Brit's dad emailed and said they were ready for us to have a visit with Brit for about 2 hours. We worked out the details and finally on March 20th (THE BEST DAY EVER), Brit and her parents came over to BF's house and stayed for 2 hours. It was that day that we first realized they were pregnant (with twins). Something they had never shared that with us up to that point. I found out by seeing her walk in the front door with a distinctively pregnant tummy. She was about 6 months pregnant at that time.
Right after our visit, Brit's parents were somehow turned on to my blog. After reading it, they were upset and wanted to meet with us. Not even BF knew about my blog so I am still not sure who told them, but it completely doesn't matter anymore.
We met at a restaurant just the four of us and discussed how I really wanted more interaction with them. They said that they had never considered a relationship like that with us but they would think about it. That was the last face to face (or phone) interaction I have had with them.
I continue to send Mothers/Fathers Day cards, and we even sent a 4th of July care package for Brit (she had just become a big sister at the end of June, so we wanted to send her something special).
To this day, we continue to receive monthly emails. We do not receive phone calls, cards or anything else. No mothers day, fathers day, birthday or any other acknowledgement. But I have gotten past that, and I am OK with it being one sided.
I don't want to stop doing those things because I consider them friends. They may not share the same sentiments, but I have had to come to terms with that. I decided that I wasn't going to let that change how I feel and acted toward them.
So there you have it.
We live 10 minutes away, but are continents away in our desires for our open adoption relationship.
My counselor who I see regularly keeps reminding me that HOW THINGS ARE TODAY IS NOT NECESSARILY HOW THEY WILL BE FOREVER. So I am holding to the hope that as time goes on, this will get better. And hopefully easier.
And I know that absolutely none of this takes any of THEIR feelings into consideration. I cannot even speak to that because I am not them, and I don't know what they are really thinking or feeling. We don't have that kind of relationship so I just have to speculate.
After re-reading all I have typed here, I also realize I have not given justice to the kindness I receive from Brit's parents in their email correspondence with me. Brit's father is particularly kind and gentle with me. I have spoken to this before. The man who makes my adoption bearable It is very appreciated. But both of them are always kind and seem to understand I am dealing with grief.
So there you have it. How we got here. I own my part by not being clear from the beginning about what I wanted post adoption to look like. I had no idea. And they had no idea how they would feel post-adoption either. We had no way to know what was about to hit all of us. If only we had.
So for those who ask if I am angry because Brit's parents haven't honored our open adoption agreement, that is not true because we didn't have one. We just had a relationship. A relationship that wasn't ready for the pressure that was about to ensue. No one has 'changed their mind' about our adoption openness, because it was never defined prior to birth.
Prospective birthmother's reading this - PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE! Potential adoptive parents, please realize that no matter what a birthmom says right now, she may want and need visits more than once a year or whatever else you all think will be just fine. And if you remain flexible, it might just be the greatest gift you could give your child. A real relationship with his/her birthfamily.
So moving on...
Now I am ready to start the chapters about how we progressed from the history to the happier ending.
The answer is no. Simply because we don't have either. Brit's parents and I were matched privately, through a mutual friend. All of our interaction was on our own terms. Completely unfacilitated. We had an attorney draw up the paperwork, but that was just a quick meeting.
As far as the "open adoption agreement", we don't have one. And even if we did, our state does not enforce them. All open adoptions are left to the adoptive parents to honor if they so choose. Even if it is written in some type of document, it is unenforceable, because birthparents have no rights. They are terminated immediately and irrevocably in the State of Kansas.
But following is how we got to where we are today.
(If you are Brit's family or friends of them, please do not take offense. This is my perspective. My story. And completely one-sided I'm sure. It is definitely skewed because of my emotional involvement. There is absolutely no way I can be objective. Please accept my apology if the following is offensive to you. It is not inteded to be.)
When we were choosing adoption for Brit, none of us had been down this path. Our families had little or no experience with it. My first husband was adopted in a closed adoption and has no desire to seek his birthfamily. I have a friend who has an adopted son who does not have any relationship with his birthfamily. I don't think Brit's parents knew anyone who had adoption experience. We were all far from experts.
Brit's mom and I did some online research and read some books. But to be honest, not nearly enough reading and research. It was only after Brit's birth and my complete disintegration as a person that I researched intensively.
My statement to them during my pregnancy was that I thought we would just let it go and see how our open adoption developed. I never wanted to intrude on their life with this child. I wanted them to feel like they were the parents. I expected that we would continue our friendship and interaction that we had developed during the pregnancy. We never talked about visits or had a formal plan. We talked about it being child driven.
You see, while I was pregnant, we talked all the time. On the phone, in person and via email. Brit's mom went to every single doctor's appt with me. I included her on everything. I shared when Brit started to kick (we matched very early in the pregnancy), when she was giving me fits at night and we always talked about the silly hiccups she constantly had.
We went to dinner a couple of times with Brit's parents. We were great friends.
We didn't make a plan, because honestly I never ever dreamed I would need one.
I had made a new friend. She seemed like she was one of my sisters. We got along great. There was absolutely nothing that made me think that would ever change.
At the end of the pregnancy I did say to Brit's mom that I would love for all of us to have a get together before school started again in fall (Brit was born in March). I thought it would be neat to have Brit and her family get together with us and our families. Brit's mom never indicated that she had no intentions of that ever happening. (Looking back now, I think she never intended to get together. But I don't think she was going to say that to me at that point.)
I should have realized that Brit's mom might not be fully open with me when she declined my two FB friend requests while I was pregnant. I never said anything to her about it, because I wanted to respect her privacy. But looking back now I wonder if that should have given me an indication that my interaction with her was always going to be limited. And please don't take this as any kind of accusation. I know she chooses to be private, so I let it go. Not everyone likes to be friends with everyone they know on FB. So I justified her actions with regard to this both then and still today.
The last day there, we didn't even have Brit's pictures taken by the photographer because BF and I said we would just let her parents have the pictures taken by their friend. We figured we would get some. (We got some emailed to us of a photo shoot that they did with her that didn't work out too well. But never received any actual pictures ever. If you can't tell this is something I regret deeply. I have never had a professional photo of Brit and I would sure love to have one.)
So we left the hospital, they thanked us for Brit, gave each of us a gift and we parted ways at the front door.
Not another text message. Not a phone call.
When I couldn't stand it anymore and I sent an email to Brit's mom the first of May (Brit was about 6 weeks old). She replied and it was nice. She included a couple of pictures of them at home with baby.
A couple of weeks later, I got us the courage to ask if Brit's mom in an email if I could meet her for lunch with Brit some day before she had to go back to work. That is when she emailed back and said she didn't mean to be disrespectful, but they weren't comfortable with that yet.
That was one of the very worst days of my life.
I left work, went home and cried hysterically. The kind of sobs that shake your entire soul. My best friend lives about 40 minutes away and she drove in to hold me. It makes me cry right now remembering that day.
That was the beginning of when I really recognized that we were purposely being kept at a distance. Without going back and recalling the exact timeline of how things happened, the basics of what happened after that are:
In September, (Brit was 6 months old) I completely lost my mind because I was getting less and less interaction from Brit's parents (they didn't reply to monthly email exchanges, they would just send an update and even if I asked a follow up, Brit's mom wouldn't reply). So one night I sent an email to Brit's dad and asked what I had done that had kept Brit's mom from emailing me. She used to be the one who talked to me all the time and then the updates stopped coming from her and started coming from him instead. It was blatantly obvious that she had stopped interacting with me.
He called me the next morning and it was a real eye opener. I found out that Brit's mom was dealing with infertility grief, a struggle with feeling like she was completely bonding with Brit as her mom, and the crushing idea that Brit might be their only child. He said that they had found themselves very protective of Brit.
It was after that phone conversation with Brit's dad that I realized that I was just going to have to wait until they were comfortable with being Brit's parents before they would ever consider any kind of personal interaction with us again. BF and I offered counseling for all four of us and they declined.
I also received an email back from Brit's mom (in response to my email to them about why I was no longer being interacted with) and I found out how pictures I was sending her of my kids and me made her realize Brit looks like me and it upset her. It was that day that I realized that my new interaction with them would include them emailing me when they wanted to, and I was no longer free to share pictures of our family back with them. (Another heartbreak)
HYSTERIA ensued. Privately of course. And it lasted weeks. I was debilitated with grief. Completely lacking hope.
Looking back now, I also realize they were actively pursuing pregnancy at this point.
From that point forward I promised to not ask again to see Brit. But I was very clear that I desperately wanted a visit with her and if there was ever a day or opportunity I would immediately be open to it.
It was then that I tried to stop focusing on what I didn't have and instead be a bigger person. I sent a birthday gift to Brit's mom in October. I just waited for them to email me (always on the 25th). I replied kindly, without pictures and always thanked them for continuing to share.
In November, a day before I would have normally received my monthly email, I emailed Brit's dad (who I was primarily corresponding with at this point) and I shared with him information about the benefits of open adoption and why I thought Brit and our families would benefit from more openness. He thanked me and told me he would consider it. That was the extent of that conversation.
For Christmas, BF and Brit's dad got together and had a drink and BF gave him our gifts for Brit. I got a nice email back from Brit's mom a couple of days later saying Brit loved the gifts. This was particularly hard for me as I know that Brit is only 10 minutes away. But I can't take her a Christmas present. I had to have my BF meet up in a private meeting with Brit's dad for the gift exchange.
Monthly emails came in Jan and Feb. Finally, March 7th (yes I know the day), Brit's dad emailed and said they were ready for us to have a visit with Brit for about 2 hours. We worked out the details and finally on March 20th (THE BEST DAY EVER), Brit and her parents came over to BF's house and stayed for 2 hours. It was that day that we first realized they were pregnant (with twins). Something they had never shared that with us up to that point. I found out by seeing her walk in the front door with a distinctively pregnant tummy. She was about 6 months pregnant at that time.
Right after our visit, Brit's parents were somehow turned on to my blog. After reading it, they were upset and wanted to meet with us. Not even BF knew about my blog so I am still not sure who told them, but it completely doesn't matter anymore.
We met at a restaurant just the four of us and discussed how I really wanted more interaction with them. They said that they had never considered a relationship like that with us but they would think about it. That was the last face to face (or phone) interaction I have had with them.
I continue to send Mothers/Fathers Day cards, and we even sent a 4th of July care package for Brit (she had just become a big sister at the end of June, so we wanted to send her something special).
To this day, we continue to receive monthly emails. We do not receive phone calls, cards or anything else. No mothers day, fathers day, birthday or any other acknowledgement. But I have gotten past that, and I am OK with it being one sided.
I don't want to stop doing those things because I consider them friends. They may not share the same sentiments, but I have had to come to terms with that. I decided that I wasn't going to let that change how I feel and acted toward them.
So there you have it.
We live 10 minutes away, but are continents away in our desires for our open adoption relationship.
My counselor who I see regularly keeps reminding me that HOW THINGS ARE TODAY IS NOT NECESSARILY HOW THEY WILL BE FOREVER. So I am holding to the hope that as time goes on, this will get better. And hopefully easier.
And I know that absolutely none of this takes any of THEIR feelings into consideration. I cannot even speak to that because I am not them, and I don't know what they are really thinking or feeling. We don't have that kind of relationship so I just have to speculate.
After re-reading all I have typed here, I also realize I have not given justice to the kindness I receive from Brit's parents in their email correspondence with me. Brit's father is particularly kind and gentle with me. I have spoken to this before. The man who makes my adoption bearable It is very appreciated. But both of them are always kind and seem to understand I am dealing with grief.
So there you have it. How we got here. I own my part by not being clear from the beginning about what I wanted post adoption to look like. I had no idea. And they had no idea how they would feel post-adoption either. We had no way to know what was about to hit all of us. If only we had.
So for those who ask if I am angry because Brit's parents haven't honored our open adoption agreement, that is not true because we didn't have one. We just had a relationship. A relationship that wasn't ready for the pressure that was about to ensue. No one has 'changed their mind' about our adoption openness, because it was never defined prior to birth.
Prospective birthmother's reading this - PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE! Potential adoptive parents, please realize that no matter what a birthmom says right now, she may want and need visits more than once a year or whatever else you all think will be just fine. And if you remain flexible, it might just be the greatest gift you could give your child. A real relationship with his/her birthfamily.
So moving on...
Now I am ready to start the chapters about how we progressed from the history to the happier ending.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Ugh
My youngest son had a terrible headache last night. He was lying on the couch and I was on the computer at a table near him.
Out of the blue he looks up and says,
Out of the blue he looks up and says,
"Mom, can we adopt Brit back?"I responded (trying not to cry),
"I suppose we could, but Brit's parents would have to let us. And that would never happen."
"Why?"Conversations like those are a dagger to the heart.
"Because they love her so much that they would never want to let her go."
"I wish we could have her back. It's not fair."
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Feelings are not facts
Then as my ex and I divorced, she just became my 'life' counselor. She is also a Christian, which is very helpful to me because that is a big part of who I am and what I believe.
The last few sessions with her have been comprised of me bawling and her telling me that someday this will not hurt so badly, and until then, I just have to Live Through Today. (hence the blog name)
But this session took a different turn. I still cried (given), but she had some significant insight for me.
Paraphrased here was what she said to me when I told her how I obsess about my lack of relationship with Brit and the grief and regret I battle each day.
"I was there when you struggled with your adoption decision. It was not made in haste. You considered the pros and cons and you made the very best decision you could with the information you had.WOW. Talk about a reality check.
I watched you develop a relationship with Brit's parents. You did everything you could to make this a good and healthy relationship for all of you. You made a good decision.
While this isn't a therapeutic thing to say, have you ever thought that maybe this is God's plan?
How do you know that the relationship you have with them now isn't exactly what it needs to be at this moment? It might not be what you think it should be, but how do you know it's not best for Brit, or her parents, or even you?
Maybe this is exactly how things need to be right now. Because how things are today is not necessarily how things will be forever.
If you had a close relationship with Brit's parents, would you have been strong enough to recognize that BF was not right for you? Or would you have felt that you had to stay together because you would never want to jeopardize your relationship with Brit and her family?
We just never know. Think about all of the mysterious ways that God worked throughout the Bible. Who would put a baby in a basket, float it down the river, and later be chosen to be the nursemaid to that child? Only God could orchestrate that.
Sometimes we just have to trust that even though it doesn't make sense right now, this could be part of a much bigger plan. What is happening now is preparing someone, maybe it's Brit, maybe it's you, but this is a piece of a bigger plan that we cannot know."
She's right. I would have never ended things with BF if he and I were an active part of Brit's life. I would have never jeopardized a fragile relationship with them. I would not have wanted them to sense any turmoil from our side of the relationship.
Maybe this last year without me involved in Brit's life will be important to her relationship with her parents as they now have two more children on the way (giving them 3 babies ages 1 or younger - yikes). Maybe God knew they needed that time alone with her to create a special bond that will carry them through this tough next couple of years when they have lots of stress and little sleep.
I don't know. My little brain can only speculate.
But it has given me new perspective and a bit of comfort. And I sure could use a little comfort these days.
So in addition to thanking God for the clear direction about my relationship with BF, I am going to also add that He would have His hand in this adoption relationship and that my feelings don't get in the way of His plan.
As we ended my counseling session, Rosie said,
"Remember Lisa, feelings are not facts."
Hmm. I'll have to remember that one. Because feelings sure do seem like fact sometimes.
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