There Can Never Be Too Much Love

In an attempt to highlight the good in open adoption I want to share the following blog post written by an adult adoptee.

Death by Great Wall: There Can Never Be Too Much Love:

Susan describes why I will continue for my entire lifetime to reach out to my daughter and her family.  Because all we want is to be able to love her and support her.  Because we too believe what Susan calls out here...

"What I would like adoptive parents to know is that the adopted person has two families, recognized or not, and battles about which is more important are non-productive and can be corrosive to the adoptee's soul. As a grown adoptee, my message is simple: love is and should be expansive, and there can never be too much."

We love you desperately Brit and want you to know that our love will be unconditional and abundant.  And while you might be kept from knowing our love for you first hand for many years, we continue to nurture that love, preparing it for the day that we can pour it over you.

Name tags

Me and my BFF at a concert a few years ago

Just got off the phone with the person I have called my best friend for the past 15 years.  She and I rarely talk any more.  But when we do, we just pick up where we left off.  Aren't those friends the best?

Anyway, we were just discussing how blurry family lines are now for so many of us.  We have step parents, former step parents, half brothers and sisters, long term live in partners, you get the idea.

She was talking about working through her internal struggle with what name her newly added step-grandchildren would call her.  She was really worried about how her biological grandson would handle hearing his step brother call HIS grandma by the same name.

Birthmother Lisa kicked in.  Immediately I said, "Is the name exclusive for use by just one of your grandchildren? Can you have too many grandmas? "

She said she wanted to be fair to her grandson who has never had to share her with anyone else before. She was concerned for him.

As we talked more, it became apparent that her reaction to this new family dilemma stems from her own childhood.  As a young girl, when visiting her paternal grandparents she was not allowed to even speak about her half brother, they boy she lived with every day. They didn't even acknowledge that he existed since his father was not their son.  She always felt uncomfortable even speaking his name.  She knew it was clear who was and who was NOT family to them.

So sad.

Thankfully she is a better and more sensitive person because of it.  She has gone out of her way to tell her biological grandson that his step brothers and half brothers are always welcome in her home (they are all very little).  She lets him know that anyone that he considers family, she will consider family too.

I suppose that is why I was a little surprised at this newest development.  I know she shows the step-grandchildren love.  She keeps them, buys them gifts, and generally accepts them in the fold as if they are her own.  But it just goes to show how easily we all get hung up on titles.

It's funny to me, because I never have been.  Even when my oldest son was 5 years old (14 years ago!) and his dad and I were divorced.  One day, he confided in me that he didn't know what to call his step-mom.

Without even thinking, I told him that if he wanted to call her MOM when he was at their house, that was just fine with me.  Because at their house, she is the mom.  I assured him that I knew I was his mom and he was allowed to share that name with Christy too, because she is also a mom.  That was the end of that conversation, he was satisfied and he realized that he didn't have to feel guilty. (I strongly suspect he had already been calling her mom but was afraid to tell me.)

I reminded my friend on the phone about the dear little lady who I called mom for many years.  She was not my mother.  She was actually my grandmother's age.  But she treated me like her daughter. As time went on and she and I would sit and visit, I found myself loving her just like she was my mother.  The last few years she was alive, I often found myself calling her mom or momma, as a term of endearment for the special place she held in my heart.

By calling Evelyn mom, I was not renouncing my mother's position in my life.  I still called my mother mom.

I know lots of families who have Aunties and Uncles who have no relationship to the family at all.  It too is a term of endearment.

I asked my friend, what should I call my former step-children?  The kids who I raised in my home for 13 years.  I love them still.  I called them son and daughter when they lived with me.  But now what?  Do I have to take back that name tag?

It all gets so blurry.

So I am just going to call them what I think of them in my heart.  Son, daughter, mom, etc.  And if someone wants to get hung up on the titles, I will let them work that out.  Because it is pretty simple to me.

I have lots of sons.  I have a couple of daughters.  We have even been known to add an extra sister or two from time to time.  It's all good.

As a matter of fact, if someone else creeps into our lives we will welcome him or her with open arms.  And we will figure out what name tag to give them.  Because we have plenty of blank tags for the people we love.  No one has to surrender theirs to give to someone else.  We just make more.  I suppose in our family, name tags are just like love.  There is always plenty to go around.

Love grows

Sitting in my living room last night I was reflective of what was going on around me.

I had printed 150 pictures from things we have done as a family since October.  Lots and lots of pictures of the boys playing together, being silly and celebrating the holidays.  I had also printed the pictures we've received of Brit over the past few months.

I was carefully looking through the stack so I could pick 8 photos to put in a collage frame.  I wanted to represent our entire family.  One picture of each child, including Brit. One picture of all the boys together and one photo of BF and me.

While I was doing that, BF was putting all the rest of the photos in an album.

And during that time, I realized how much our love has grown.  Not just the love between the two of us, but the love between all 7 of us.

I love BF's kids.  He loves mine.  We show all of the children affection and attention, irregardless of who has the biological connection. Honestly, there are many times that if you saw all of us interacting, you might not know who was born to who.

Brotherly love (the two 12 year olds)

While I love that BF and I are able to love each other's children, there is something even greater than that.  It is the love that the boys have for each other.

The first words out of my boys mouths when I pick them up after work each day is "Does BF have the boys tonight?"  And if I say no, that it is a mom day for them, they moan and are visibly disappointed.  (I usually follow it up with "What am I? Chopped liver?!?!)

Two of our boys are the exact same age.  The other two are one year apart.  And it is amazing how well they get along.  We are so lucky.  I know this is not normal.  I have blended a family before, not nearly as easily. But in this case, our boys actually enjoy the time they get to spend together. They consider each other brothers.

But back to my reflections about familial love...

Just because my boys love BF, it does not in any way change their love for their father.  They still think their dad walks on water. They are crazy about him.

Pals - our two youngest

The boys don't call BF dad.  They call him by his name.  They know that he cares for them.  But they also know who their dad is.

We have never had to define it.  Is is understood.  They are allowed to love BF without having split loyalty to their father.  BF does not try to be their dad.  He clearly understand that role belongs to their father.  But he can love them the same, no title required.  No 'competition' for first place.

There is plenty of love to go around for all of us.  We didn't have to divide what love we had prior to meeting each other, instead we just grew more.  

Before adoption changed my life, I would not have reflected much on something as natural as this.

My sisters and mom

Prior to relinquishment, I knew that I love easily.  I come by it naturally.  Within my immediate family of sisters and parents ,we bring people into the fold all the time.  Family is not defined by blood.  There is always someone in our lives who we are loving as if they are one of our family.  And as far as we are concerned, they are.

Since relinquishment, I am learning that not all families operate like this.  Apparently there is a sense of clan that some families have the does not allow others in very easily.  I have also learned that when it comes to children, some adults find claiming ownership very important.  Establishing the child as one of their clan, and  ONLY their clan is important.

Me, my  (former step) daughter and her mom.  Still family in spite of divorce.

That was all new to me.  I had no idea that was such an issue to so many people.

Since relinquishment, I have also learned that there are ALOT of families who are like mine.  They grow their love based on the people who enter their lives.

I now have a new appreciation for those kinds of people.  The kind of people who believe that there can never be too much love.  And that the love well has no bottom.  You can keep dipping in as many times as you wish.

Through all of the heartache adoption has caused me, it has also made me appreciate things so much more than I used to.  And I now recognize and appreciate those who let their love grow and love without boundaries.

Buddies

Yes, I will eat your pizza in front of your friends at school!

Driving the golf cart together - heaven help us

Checking out chicks at the mall

J does come around when there are presents.

PS - There is no picture of my oldest son with any of the other boys.  It is amazing how once a child turns 18, he is no longer nearly as interested in staying home to play with his little brothers. :)

Here is just a Christmas picture of him for good measure!













PPS - Here are pictures of the children with each of their biological parents, in case you wondered who was born to who.  Personally, I think it is hard to tell when we are all together.

My response

OK, I have had a while to think about the previous comment left here about my adoption story and there are just a few things I would like to address just to make sure my position is clear. 

I hope you make it to the bottom of this post because it is the second set of comments are the most meaningful to me, as they were posted by an adoptee who seems to have a good heart.

But before we get to the nice comments here are a few of my thoughts about the original comment.

First, it  began with probably the biggest zinger of what I read.  The commenter states she is an adoptive mother who chose closed adoption so she wouldn't have to deal with a birthmother.  Followed by this very interesting statement:

"It is to difficult for the birth mother to maintain her place and most often believes that she is owed special privileges following her decision to give her child up based on reasons that she later regrets."

I am interested to know what is a birthmother's place? 

In the most beautiful adoption relationships that I have researched and read about, the birthmother's place is respected and embraced.  In the same way that the adoptive parents are loved and respected. The adoptive parents appreciate the birth family for the role that they have in their child's life.  In those open adoptions the birthmother becomes an extended member of their family.  And the birthmother in return respects, loves and honors the parents of the child.

I know for certain I have never once said or even implied that I am owed any special privileges because I am a birthmother.  I asked one time to see the child.  They respectfully declined and I did not say another word about it.  I have never asked again.  The visit we did have was offered by Brit's mother and father. And we were grateful when they allowed us that time with her.

"She then begins to project blame, guilt and grieving on the mother who is loving, raising and embracing each moment of life with the gorgeous little girl."

This blog is about me and my feelings.  I do not call Brit's parents and cry to them.  These are not letters to Brit's parents.  This is a heartfelt sharing of my most intimate feelings.  Right or wrong.  They are my feelings.

The time I did talk to Brit's father on the phone, he willingly called me and I was clear that I did not blame them for anything.  I simply told him how hard it was to have such a broken heart.  I was just being honest because I firmly believe that in this situation, it was important that we all understood where we stood in the post adoption adjustment.

I specifically have stated here in my blog that Brit's parents were not the cause of my grief.  I was grieving the loss of a child and I think even more than that, I grieved the loss of a friendship.  Yes, the fact that they pulled back and ended the close relationship we had prior to her birth was very painful for me.  But after talking to Brit's father, I better understood why it had happened and I respected him and them for sharing that with me.  And I in return told them how I felt.  They did not intend to hurt me.  And I certainly have never intended to hurt them either.

I have always owned my own grief.  I was not coerced into an adoption plan.  I am a mature, educated, self sufficient woman. I made the decision. Now I wish that I would have done some things differently.  I wish that I would have asked more specific questions about what our future relationship with this child would look like. I wish I would have done more post-adoption grief research prior to placement.  I wish we all would have sat together and worked out a post-adoption plan that we could go back to when things got so tough for all of us because we were on an emotional roller coaster.  But the past is just that.  Now we must look forward.

Never once have I "dumped" my grief on them.  I save the grief dumping for here.  This began as a private blog that no one read.  Then a couple of adoptive mom's found it and now I have a few followers.  Only one is a person who I know and she is the one who connected me to the parents in the first place.  All other followers are from states far from me.  Not even my family knew about this blog.  It is simply a place that I have found others like me who can help me process post-adoption grief.  And a place where I can see and better understand perspectives of adoptive families.

The next portion of her comment, I just completely disagree with.

"I do not mean to appear disrespect but it appears to me from reading all of your blogs that you have expectations that are unrealistic and very unfair to this little angel.

You had roughly 8 months during your pregnancy and 12 hours post birth to parent her but apparently chose not to parent her due no commitment of marriage from your boyfriend, older kids you have already raised and your age."


I do not believe my expectations are unrealistic, nor are they unfair to our little angel.  I do not request visits, I do not hound her parents.  The only place that I even speak of these things is right here on this blog.  This is where I think out loud and wish for something different.  If I were calling them, or emailing them, begging for more, then I could begin to see your point.  I do none of those things. 

I want a relationship with Brit and I was clear about that prior to her birth.  I didn't know when that relationship would begin, but there was never any question about whether or not we would want to have a relationship with Brit and her parents.  We intended to maintain our friendship with them.  I had no reason to believe that would change.

Now, maybe that sounds unrealistic to someone who doesn't want to deal with a birthmother.  And if it does, then I am very glad that this commenter found an adoption relationship that relieves her of such a "burden". I hope that it also works for the child involved.

The rest of the comment is just mean spirited.  It is obvious that this person does not read all of the love and affection that I have toward Brit's parents.  I never speak ill of them.  I always say how grateful I am that they love sweet Brit with all the love I could ever want for her.

If I were an addict, or had other issues that would be difficult to deal with, I can understand why an adoptive couple would maintain a distance.  But even if that were the case, children have a natural curiosity about their biological family.  In spite of the circumstances from which they came. For the sake of the child, knowing more rather than less about his/her birth family seems to have the most benefit.

I did not choose an anonymous family for my child.  I chose her parents specifically because they were like us.  We got along great.  They will provide for their daughter the same kind of life she would have had with us had we stayed together, gotten married and parented her.

I spent 6 months of my life getting to know her mother.  We laughed together, cried together and created a friendship.  She met my children.  We have many commonalities.  She is exactly the mother I wanted for my daughter.  And since I wasn't in a place to do that, I am so thankful we found them.

The closing of her comment was also very mean spirited. But I share it again because there is a single ounce of truth to it.

"They do not HAVE to maintain contact and I am amazed they have continued to do so this long. Kudos to them for being so patient with your self-centered expectations. You should be grateful and at their mercy... "

She did get one thing right.  I am grateful for Brit's parents. Thankfully they have an empathy and a true heart for the best interest of their child.  I am so lucky that God brought them into my life and not someone who had no intentions of having to deal with the complications of a birthmother.  I am praying for this commenter. My heart hurts just seeing the hateful thoughts that fill her heart.

IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS COMMENT FROM AN ADOPTEE.

Now here is the a comment that I would really like to talk about.  This comment came today after I posted the original nasty message.  I don't know this person, but she sounds very grounded and insightful.  I love the things she had to say.  They are very true.

"That was harsh wasn't it? Well, as an adult adoptee I would have to say adoption is harsh for us too.

My wish is that everyone would understand how hard and lifelong painful it is BEFORE they decide that it will be a win-win-win for everyone.

You can continue by being honest on your blog. It seems you though it would be like you were raising your child from afar without the responsibility, but able to enjoy all the milestones. Its not so easy is it? It will not be easy for your child either.

And if this adoption closes, it will also be hard for both of you. There are no easy answers, just a lifetime of loss.

And as you see, some adoptive parents just want everyone to get over it, so they can continue with the "as if born to" fantasy.

Good luck with your hard choices, I hope you can find a way to compromise and keep the best interests of your child in mind."

The only thing that I would say that is not true of my expectations of adoption is the idea that I would be able to share in milestones.  I knew that I was relinquishing that right when we made her adoption plan.  I knew I would be loving from afar most of the time. 

That doesn't mean it still doesn't make me sad.  I wish it wasn't this way.  I wish I could have kept Brit and raised he in the same manner that her parents are raising her now.  But I couldn't.  And they are.  Brit benefits.

I never had any intention of being a co-parent.  I am not Brit's parent.  But I love her.  And I want a relationship with her.  It will not be like her relationship with her mom.  That special place belongs to her mom.  But I can still have a meaningful relationship with Brit, and her parents.  It is just different than being her parent.

I want to be their family friend.  I want to share in the joys of Brit's life.  I don't expect that I will be there for all of them.  But I want to celebrate them just the same.  Even if it is at a distance most of the time.  I liken it to the kind of relationship I have with my sister and nephew.  I am crazy, head-over heels in love with that little guy.  I try to spend as much time as possible with him.  But I am not his mother.  However, I love him like crazy anyway.  I wasn't there when he took his first steps, but I rejoiced when they told me that he finally started walking.  I wish my relationship with Brit and her family was like that.

I want Brit to always know who we are so she doesn't fantasize about her birth family.  I want us to be real to her.  I want her to understand from a as early as she can comprehend, that we chose her parents especially for her, not because we didn't want her, but because we wanted her to have more than we could provide for her at the time.

I don't want Brit to feel like she lost anything.  I want her to have everything that is available to her.  Parents who love her, a birth family who also loves her, and an identity of who she is and where she came from.

I hope that by being involved in some type of relationship with Brit, she will be able to appreciate all of the ways that she is special to so many people.

I want to shield her from as much loss as I possibly can.  I have always wanted only the best for her.  And I hope that is exactly what she receives.

Perfect

I can still smell her on my hands.  I hope I never forget how wonderful it was to have her crawl up into my lap, as if I had been a friend all along.

I feel like someone who has just fallen in love.  That excited feeling as you try to remember every detail about what just happened.  What she was wearing, the sound of her voice, how she smelled, the way she moved her hands, the smile in her eyes.

She is absolutely perfect.

Her bald head, her pudgy tummy, her drooly smile.  It is all perfect.

The visit was everything I hoped and prayed for.  We were all completely comfortable.  It was just like the old days.  The times we shared before Brit was born.  When it used to be just the four of us talking and catching up.

It could not have gone any better.

Brit was happy and comfortable.  Her parents were the same.  It was a natural as having a sister over for lunch.

And there was big news.  As Brit's mom walked in the door it was no longer a secret.  She is pregnant.  And you guessed it - with twins!

They are due in August.  A boy and a girl.  Brit's parents couldn't be more excited.  We are so happy for them!

Brit warmed up to me very quickly.  I am sure it helped that I was the one showing her all her new toys.  Yes, C and I went overboard with the gifts, but they were all just right for her.  Except maybe the shoes.  She doesn't like shoes.  It's too hard for her to walk with shoes on.  And since she is a proficient walker, shoes just get in the way.

Brit loves having her picture taken.  She immediately wants you to show it to her after you take it.  I would snap a photo and she would run over and plop down in my lap so I could show her what it looked like.  What a cheese! 

We got to hear her parents make ridiculous sounds and make goofy faces trying to make Brit laugh.  It was classic parent behavior. 

They wanted her to show off for us.  They wanted us to hear her laugh.  To see her huge smile (and teeth!).  They wanted her to do all of the things that they find adorable about her.  The things that only parents can appreciate.

I was so glad that they wanted to share that with us.

She is so very loved.

It is obvious that her parents are smitten.  Crazy head over heels in love with her.  To be honest, I am too.

Brit has a perfect life.

And that is exactly what I wanted for her all along.

Gives new meaning to camera phone.

Teeth!

Mothers love fiercely. And the grief truck hits hard.

I've had an interesting ride on the adoption roller coaster this week.  In retrospect, it has been a good ride even if not a single thing has actually changed.  As usual, I have just been forced to grow in understanding and compassion.

So, early this week I posted on a Kansas Adoption Group page and asked advice about what I might be able to do to help Brit's mom feel more comfortable opening up our adoption to the level that it used to be before baby girl was born.  Visits, phone calls, and above all else, sharing a friendship.  The online group consists of adoptive parents from Kansas and as far as I know, I am the only birthmother.

So the responses came from many different parents.  It even crossed state lines because the site moderator asked advice from other families from across the country who also have open adoptions.

Most people who responded were gracious and encouraging to me.  They wished me well and for the most part, many thought time might be the only way for this situation to remedy itself. Several gave me resources to support me until things change.  Thank you to all who did give me advice and encouragement.

But one person had a different perspective from everyone else.  Her advice to me was to stop public blogging and tell the parents that they don't need to send monthly email updates anymore until they feel like they want to.  She told me to set them free and protect their parenting privacy.

And I will admit to being taken aback by her comments.  Now, they were presented very kindly, so please don't think ill of her.  She was being honest and speaking from an adoptive mother's perspective.  Above all else, I respect honesty even when it is uncomfortable.  So instead of being angry, it made me reflective.

She mentioned that it could be very upsetting to Brit's mom if she ever read my blog.  I do not disagree with this.  She thought it might make mom feel like she was made out to be the "bad guy" in this relationship.  I hope this is never the case. 

I love Brit's mom.  She is to Brit what I wish I could be.  She snuggles precious Brit, consoles her when she cries, cares for her every need, and without a doubt, loves her dearly.  I know she loves Brit and she is a wonderful mother.  I also love who she is as a person.  I got to know her while I was pregnant and we became good friends.  I almost felt like I had gained another sister.

But I am sure that Brit's mom is depressed. I am depressed.  She grieves that she could not give birth to Brit. I grieve that I chose not to parent a daughter I gave birth to.  We both feel like we have lost something.

Isn't it ironic that the one thing that should bring us the greatest joy is also the one thing that has caused us the greatest pain?  I found parents for my daughter who will be able to give her all that I wanted for her.  They got the child they longed and prayed for.  And yet all four of us in this adoption situation have a broken heart.  We embody the bitter sweet of adoption.  Thankfully, our dear Brit only gets the sweet.  The love we all four have for her overflows.

So if mom reads my blog and it upsets her, I only hope it is because she hurts for me and my pain the same way my heart hurts for her and the grief she also lives with.  She cannot change her grief and/or depression any more than I can change mine.  Grief is what it is.  I own mine and she owns hers.

But the way that each of us is processing this grief puts us at completely opposing places.  If I had to guess about her feelings (since I don't know first hand), it seems she wants to draw in and protect the only thing she does posses, and that is her daughter.  And at the opposite side of the spectrum, I desperately want to share in the life of the one thing I also don't have, the daughter I gave birth to.

Neither one of us is wrong to feel the way that we do.  We are reacting out of love.  A deep, primitive love that mothers are born with.  It is the love that makes us good mothers to our children.

When I was pregnant with Brit, I had no idea how hard adoption would be.  And I am certain that Brit's mom had no idea that adoption would be anything but full of joy.  One of the things we both share right now is that we were unexpectedly hit by the grief truck.  And from the sounds of it, we both got hit hard.

I have no reason to believe that Brit's mom will ever see this blog.  And since all of the names have been changed (including Brit's) and no photos of them ever appear here, I think I am protecting their family privacy. 

This blog is about me as the birthmother.  The pictures are of a child that I gave birth to.  A child who will look like me as she gets older.  While I will never be her mother, I will always be her birthmother. 

Brit's story is still intertwined with mine.  Even if our adoption was closed.  We have a connection that legal paperwork cannot eliminate. 

I treasure every email and picture they share with me.  I cannot even imagine what it would be like not to have a monthly email to look forward to.  So until they tell me it is too painful, I will anticipate and covet every correspondence I do get from her parents.

I will never pretend like Brit does not exist.  I love her as much as if she were living with me.  A mother's love is fierce and absence does not make it fade.

So I will continue to blog.  And if you read this blog and cannot feel my love for Brit's mother, then let me say it clearly.  Just because mom isn't ready for me to have a relationship with Brit, does not mean I do not love her. 

I wish things were different.  And I am hurt.  I wanted things to be different.  But I understand.  We are women and with that comes complicated emotions.  We never know how we will react until the situation presents itself.  We think we know what we can handle.  But sometimes you just get hit by the grief truck.  And from the distance it looked like the answer to your prayers...