A letter to other adoptive parents

The following was posted on Birthmothers 4 Adoption blog last week.  I just now read it and I am in awe of this anonymous adoptive mother and her insight.  However I have 'met' many adoptive mothers like her, and they have real, satisfying relationships with their child's birthfamilies.  It can be a thing of extraordinary beauty, I know it because I see it.  My favorite line from this letter is highlighted.  So very true...

A letter to Other Adoptive Parents

There is an issue that has been weighing on my mind lately. I have heard from a number of birthmothers who chose open adoption who feel forgotten by and disconnected from the families that adopted their baby. Some have had promises broken, some do not have the contact that was discussed, others have felt that they have become an afterthought or no thought given to them at all. It is heart breaking to see their longing to participate in a relationship.

I know that as parents we are busy. I get it- babies take time, there is sleep deprivation and the search for the elusive binkies and time to shower. Then as time goes by there is school, sports, practices, activities, figuring out what is for dinner, homework, grocery shopping, work and still finding time to shower. I get it-  we are parenting- loving, worrying, teaching, helping, hoping. It is all encompassing. Free time and social time can often disappear. It is joyous and wonderful and the most difficult thing- to be the parent we want to be. But we can’t forget- we are able to be a parent to this child because of the sacrifice of another. There is another who loves your child, who worries and hopes and loves.

Now I am not asking you to continually worship at the pedestal of   “birthmother”- this idea is distasteful to everyone involved- what I am asking you to do is to remove the pedestal and recognize that your child’s birthmother is a human being with whom you can have a real human relationship. Will this relationship look the same for every adoptive family? Of course not. Every family, every birthmother, every child is different. But what we can, as adoptive families do, is to get to know our child’s birthmother and find out what her needs are, what her hopes are and be open to this relationship evolving. I am begging you not to forget that placement was a beginning, not an ending.

I am asking every adoptive family to examine their feelings, attitudes and relationships in regards to birthparents. What is keeping us from having a real relationship? A relationship with give and take? Acknowledgement of the role they play in the creation of our families? Again this will look different for everyone, but ask yourself if what you are giving is truly what is wanted, what is truly your best effort? Is a few email updates a year really what is wanted? Is that really a relationship?

Unless your child’s birthmother tells you, I have always found that more is better than less. What keeps you from giving more? Is it fear? Fear of what? The unknown? Fear of the “worst case adoption scenario”- which for the record happens mostly on tv. Is it fear of being hurt or your child being hurt? Are you fearful of managing another relationship? Of boundaries? That someone (maybe you, maybe them) might say something inappropriate or hurtful? Is it fear that by including your child’s birthmother, it somehow makes your family less, instead of more? 

Adoption is about love, not fear. As we open our hearts to our children- how can we not open our hearts to their birthmother? How can we not let her know of our love by thoughtful communication and acknowledgement?  Will our children’s birthmother always be in our first thoughts daily? Not usually- that place is often reserved for our children, but she should not be relegated to our last thoughts or not thought of at all. Our children’s birthmothers should not be a box to check off- yep, sent the yearly update- but we should have a sincere desire to let her know who our child is becoming. Be secure in your role in your child’s life. We share our children with many people- grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, teachers, coaches, why would we shut out the very person who gave them life?

I have met many birthmothers and I have yet to meet one who wants to “co-parent”. Their sincerest desire is to know and have a relationship with you and the child that they placed for adoption. That is why they chose open adoption. It is not to interfere with your family. They will never forget the baby they placed, the baby they broke their own hearts for. Please don’t forget them. I am not asking you to be best friends, but I am asking that you keep your promises, that you open your heart, that you acknowledge this unique human relationship, that you create what works in your family for the entire adoption triad, not just what is easiest in your busy life. Please remember that we are all human and we will all make mistakes, but we can put forth our best effort. I have different relationships with my children’s birthmothers- one is easy, one is not as easy- I sometimes have to remind myself not to be offended, as I believe she means no offense- but I can’t imagine not having and maintaining regular contact. I believe that this is best for me, for them and for my children.

Please, families, if you have lost contact, lessened contact or pulled away, even unintentionally, consider the effect this has had on your child’s birthmother and what effect it may have on your child, now and in the future. Can you imagine how a birthmother feels when the adoptive family doesn’t even send pictures anymore? Examine your interactions, are they sincere? Can you do more?

Please let faith replace fear and let open adoption be a joy in your life.

Sincerely,

An Adoptive Mom

A great article about why open adoption is important

Please take a minute to read this.  Marisa is so succinct. She absolutely GETS open adoption and why it matters for her kids.

8 Reasons I will Never Get Off My Adoption Soapbox

Check out Love Is Not a Pie

Sometimes someone says something so profound that there is no reason to change a single bit of it.

I could read Rebecca Hawkes blog all day long.  She is amazing. He blog today deals with the question Is open adoption disruptive to adoptive families? Her post is short and poignant.  I hope you hop over there and take a look.

And if you are an advocate for open adoption, like me, you will be hooked.  Rebecca is super cool.

She lives the talk.  She herself is an adoptee, parenting both an adopted child and a biological child.  And did I mention she maintains a relationship with her daughter's first mother, even though her daughter came to their family through the foster system?...  Yes, she is that cool.

Open Adoption Blogger Interview Project - November 2011

I have never done an online interview project before.  But for someone who loves to get to know people, this project was amazing.   I signed on for the Open Adoption Blogger Interview Project sponsored by Heather at Production Not Reproduction and let me tell you, it was great!

I was matched with a mom who blogs at Sheeps Eating Me.  Sheeps Eating Me and her partner are parenting two children with special needs who they adopted through domestic adoptions.  One was infant adoption, the other adoption through the foster care system.

Sheeps Eating Me is beautifully flawed, just like all of us and I love how she is honest and forthright.  She is also committed to open adoption, even from the foster care system. 

Parents who are committed to open adoption are all heroes in my eyes.

Below are the questions I posed to Sheeps Eating Me and her answers.  All of you who read my blog know I am wordy, so I apologize in advance for the length of our interview. 

I also have highlighted a couple of things that she said that I found incredibly profound.  I just love her approach to adoption.  It overjoys my heart to see a mother who really gets the spirit of open adoption.

LISA:

I was struck by the following paragraph in one of your posts…

“I suddenly understood that I could never get in the way of my own children having that experience*. I didn’t know yet how I was going to get out of the way (6 years later I’m still learning that) but I was very clear that I would support my children in whatever way they needed to get to see that they smiled just like their own mother.”

*referencing that while sitting across the table from her mother, Sheeps Eating Me realized that they share the same smile

You state that you aren’t sure how you were going to ‘get out of the way’ so your child(ren) could know their own mother.  Two parts of that are intriguing to me.  First, the getting out of the way idea.  And secondly, that you call your son’s birthmother his mother. 

Do you find that you still have to make conscious decisions and/or be deliberate to have your son ‘know’ his birthfamily, or has time made this easier with the building of relationships?

SHEEPS EATING ME:

While I think the flow of the relationship is much more natural than it was a few years ago, my son is young enough - and we live far enough away - that we have to be pretty deliberate about making sure he knows his family. We talk about them all the time, and try to make a point of doing it often outside of the context of adoption. So he'll sing a song, and then I'll say "You have a great singing voice. You must have gotten that from Mommy C. - she's a great singer." I hope as he gets older that he'll be able to take more of the initiative, but for now it still needs quite a bit of facilitation. Since we adopted my daughter through foster care a year and a half ago, we have slowly started to open the relationship with her family, and she's young enough that I don't think she's quite getting it yet. My hope is that eventually they will each have independent relationships with their families and I'll be able to take on the role of supporting those relationships in whatever way makes sense.

LISA:

How do you refer to the children’s birth parents?  Are you uncomfortable calling them ‘his mother’ or ‘his grandparents’?

SHEEPS EATING ME:
Our congregation has a slogan that reads "say what you mean and mean what you say." We've used that to be very deliberate about what we call all the people involved, and decided that, in talking with our children, there was no need to use names to distinguish legal vs biological relationships. So we talk with our children about how lucky they are to have 3 moms - their Mamadee, their Mama, and Mommy C. or Mommy J. (depending on which of our kids we're talking to).

Sometimes people ask if our children get confused by this, but usually it's the adults who are confused. For the kids, it's just more people around to love them.

LISA:

I have an exceptionally close relationship with my ex-husband’s first wife.  It developed while I was married to him. During that time she and I became close friends.  We realized that we both loved the same children.  She loved my kids just as I loved hers. 

I found that there was no rivalry about who was the ‘real mom’ because she and I both trusted the other to support each other.  We knew that no matter whose physical custody the child was in, we both would make parenting decisions based on the best for the child. 

I never felt like she was resentful of me as the step-mother because I was good about preserving the role of mother for her.  While I parented her children (and loved them like my own), I knew she was their mother and I respected her role that way.  (I hope that all makes sense.  It is a bit wordy and awkward.) 

I think I would say we learned a mutual respect for each other and the unique role we each had in the lives of the children we were raising.

I know that adoption is not like step parenting, as the child is not being parented by the biological parent.  But I firmly believe there are similarities when it comes to respect and unique roles we each have in the life of the child.  With that said…

Do you think that since your children have two mothers in their immediate household it is easier for you to embrace the birthmothers of your children, as you can see how each mother brings something different and unique to the child?

SHEEPS EATING ME:
Yes!  Every couple has to work out their roles in a co-parenting relationship, and when there are 2 moms involved, there are some unique aspects of this. So when there are 3 moms there are ways in which it can feel like an extension of that same process.  We are 3 very different people, and while I wouldn't want to speak for my son's Mommy C., I can say that both my partner and I have been very aware of the different things the 3 of us bring to our son.

One thing my daughter shares with her mother is that they are both Deaf. While we have and will continue to do everything we can to make sure she grows up feeling part of the Deaf community, we will always be supportive allies - I hope that she'll be able to connect with her mother as someone who shares this really significant piece of her lives. This isn't something we could ever give her.

LISA:

I loved your post about mourning the loss of an idea of what your life or future would have looked like.  I find myself having to rewrite my history all the time.  And it is very painful some times.

My greatest area of mourning is for the relationship I envision having with my daughter vs. the reality of what is.  The following statement from you blog hit me like a ton of bricks.

“I’m trying to forgive myself for mourning, even when it seems pointless. I had a story in my head, and I can’t just let go of it all at once.

I want to learn how to let myself mourn and see the real stuff at the same time.”

I would guess that adoptive parents, even those who do not have a child with special needs, probably deal with the loss of how they thought their family would be created.  Even you stated in your blog that you just assumed you would give birth to your first child and adopt subsequent children.  You had to process that you would not give birth but would instead create a family through adoption alone.

After years of having to practice mourning and moving forward at the same time (so as not to miss the beauty of today), have you found that it gets easier or is grieving the ‘what could have been’ still just as hard today?

SHEEPS EATING ME:
I am still such a work in process on this one, but yes, it gets easier. As far as adoption goes, once in a while I think about what it might be like to have a child who looks like me, but honestly I have these two lovely streaks of energy moving through my house and my life all day long and I can't possibly imagine loving another being more than I love these two. Any of those fantasies are just passing thoughts. It took me about 2 weeks of real soul-searching before I was able to let go of the fantasy of giving birth to my first child - so that was not a terribly hard one for me, though I know it is for many people.

In terms of parenting children with special needs, it does feel different. I admit that every time one of my children runs up against a new obstacle, I wish their lives were easier. And there are many times, like when we're fighting with a school system over services, when I wish our lives were easier too. This is definitely a place where the grieving is harder for me to let go of - which is kind of ironic, given that we were actually looking for a Deaf child for our second adoption. I was shocked a few months after her placement to realize that I was mourning, because I had walked into the situation with - I thought - my eyes wide open.

LISA:

Do you think that adoptive parents have to do this mourning and moving on more than biological parents just based on the nature of adoption?  If so, is there any advice you would give a prospective adoptive parent to prepare them for this?

SHEEPS EATING ME:

I would certainly think that's the case for folks who have dealt with infertility, but not having been through that process I can't really speak to that. One thing I can say about this, having talked with a number of friends who have turned to adoption after infertility, is: you really need to be okay with parenting a child you have no biological connection to. If you're still holding out a secret (or not-so-secret) hope that you'll get and stay pregnant, it's hard to muster the emotional energy you need for an adoption process without getting resentful. There's a real difference between turning whole-heartedly to something that was not your plan A and turning to something as a second choice. You don't ever want your child to feel like they were your second choice.

In terms of open adoption, I think coming to an acceptance of the fact that you will never be your child's only family is really critical. You don't even have to understand everything that means before you adopt (I can't imagine how you would), but I think understanding that different parents play different roles in your child's life, and that this doesn't threaten YOUR connection to your child, is tremendously helpful.

LISA:

You reference how you worry that the last visit you had with your son’s biological family might be the last, so you want to capture every detail of it to share with him.  Your statements and actions indicate that you believe that maintaining your children’s biological relationships is critical to your children’s wellbeing.  You even mention that you worry that some day it could suddenly end.  Obviously you are irrationally committed to open adoption.

Why do you believe that open adoption is so important to for your children?

SHEEPS EATING ME:
I DO feel like maintaining these relationships is critical to my children's well-being, though I want to be clear that I believe that the *spirit* of openness when a truly open relationship is not possible is also important. Throughout adolescence and as an adult, I've been constantly learning new things about different family members that teach me more about myself and help me feel rooted. When my son developed a rash after someone gave him shrimp, the first thing we did was call his mom, who reported that she gets the same rash when she eats shellfish. And when we met my daughter's aunts, they told us that, like my daughter, they all refuse to wear their hearing aids. Of course adoptees can have a similar experience with their adoptive families, since it's not all about nature, but nurture is only part of the story too. Everyone should be able to know who they are and where they came from. 

Even beyond that, my wife and I have talked for years about the day when one of our children asks why they're not with their biological family, and we can say "let's call them and talk with them about it." We can talk a blue streak about how much their families love them and why they didn't "keep" them, but I want our children to be able to hear it from their own parents. They deserve that.

LISA:

Do you have boundaries, spoken or unspoken, that you know would cause you to discontinue maintaining a relationship with their birth families?  If so, what would those be?

SHEEPS EATING ME:
Safety is the obvious one. My daughter, unlike my son, was removed from her family's care by the foster care system, so we were (and still are) very cautious in our approach to ensure that we were not opening the door to anything unsafe. But given the relationship we've slowly developed with her mom over the past year (on Facebook), we don't have any reason to think that there are safety concerns.

I think when they're little it's easy to tell what's safe. As they get older - particularly if they develop more independent relationships with their families, I imagine it will get a lot harder to ascertain what is safe, and of course we won't have our fingers in every detail the way we do now.

It's very difficult to imagine other reasons to end my children's relationships with any family members by birth or adoption.

LISA:

This is by far my favorite entry that I have read from your blog.  I firmly believe these words and thoughts should be shared with every adoptive family.  You encapsulate so well how open adoption is a lifelong commitment.  The good and the bad.  We all must hang in there.  For the sake of our children, we cannot throw in the towel.  I love these statements…

“The director of the adoption agency said to us: “It’s a long life.” Meaning, in open adoption, things can change. Hang in there. Wait it out.

They feel like family. It hasn’t always been easy to navigate, and there have been times when we couldn’t reach them, times when we went a few months without contact. But for five years, they’ve hung in, and we’ve hung in, and we’ve stopped worrying that they’ll disappear.

We’ve all stopped being afraid of each other. This relationship that I was terrified of in theory – before we did our home study, before we knew anyone living open adoption, before we laid eyes on the people who made us parents – is one of the most gratifying ones I’ve ever had.”

SHEEPS EATING ME:
I love what you wrote here "for the sake of our children we can't throw in the towel." It's almost like an in-law relationship, in that you may adore them, you may hate them, but for better or worse someone you would give your life for came from them. So you make it work because it isn't about you.

Why can't I call her my sister?

We put together a Halloween care package for Brit this past week.  It is also her mom's birthday, so we thought a package with a gift for the mom and Halloween treats for Brit would be fun.

The package has a Halloween treat bucket, iced animal cookies, 2 tutus, a soft crown, a couple of glow wands, a Halloween book, a Halloween movie and a custom made funky dress up cape.  Nothing expensive, just fun holiday things that a child could enjoy.  We hope she will have a start on a dress up box that she can play with all year round.

When I had the cape made for her, I asked the person making it to embroider their last name so Brit's little sister could wear it too someday.  I want to be sensitive to including the new siblings when I send things (although right now they have no understanding as they are only 4 months old).

BF went to the mall and got some smell good lotions from the popular store that sells those things.  He did a great job of picking out a package for Brit's mom. I was terribly proud of him.  Usually that is my job.  But he wanted to do it this time.

I got the cards.

One for Brit for Halloween.  One for the twins first Halloween.  One for Brit's mom's bday.  One for Brit's dad's bday (we don't know when his bday is, so we are just sending him one with hers so he isn't left out).  And a hilarious Halloween card for Brit's parents.

On Sunday, we had all of our boys together.  So we had them all sign Brit's Halloween card.  My two older boys did a good job, said I love you or Happy Halloween and signed their names.  Then Little D got the pen.  Immediately he signs "I love you Sissy".

Ugh.

Brit is his sister.  He calls her that.  He claims her on family trees.  He tells the world that he has the family that lives with us plus he has a baby sister who was adopted. (Generally adding that he is mad that mom did that because he wanted to keep her. :gulp:) 

But what he did scared me.  How would Brit's parents handle that?  Would it cause an even greater rift between us?

We claim Brit as one of our own at my house.  Her picture is up on the wall with the 3 boys.  A stranger walking into my home would assume I have 4 children living there.  She is no secret.

But Brit's parents don't know that.

Of course they don't.  They have never been over to our home.  They have never allowed Brit to meet the boys. (They specifically asked we not include them in that 2 hour birthday visit in March.  They thought it would overwhelm her.)

They have no idea how these boys feel about the sister they cannot see. 

But D just put it out there.

So what did I do?  I panicked. 

I looked at D and using my calm, level headed voice I said "I think we might not want to add the word sissy because it could hurt Brit's parent's feelings."

He looked at me.  I am pretty sure I could tell you what he was thinking.  And even if he wasn't, I was. 

He has watched me sob, he has seen me depressed.  And he knows it is because I miss having a relationship with Brit and her family.

But when it comes down to it, Brit's parents' feelings take precedence over ours.  Every time.  Trumped.

He looked at me, looked back down at the card and scratched out Sissy.  He turned it into a smiling ghost face.  Without a word to me.

I am not proud of what I made him do.

I wish it was different.

But I have to be careful.  I have to be sensitive.  I cannot do anything to jeopardize the relationship that I hope to have some day.

I do not like the person I have become, but I will do anything to preserve the hope that someday this will be different.  Self sacrificing included.

Adoption does not have to equal tragedy

I read a post of an adoptive parent this weekend and it got me worked up.  Nothing that she said, but the reason she was posting.

She was upset by reading other blogs and sites where adoption is referred to as a tragedy and those posting make reference to how adoption should always be a last resort only chosen in times of abuse and neglect.

I would like to voice my opinion about this subject.  As you know, I am a birthmother.  I do not speak for all birthparents.  I especially do not speak for birthparents of generations past where unwed mothers were pressured into decisions they didn't want to make.

I speak from only my perspective based upon my experiences.  So here it goes.  How and why I came to the adoption decision - much abbreviated.

I was the one who made a choice that led to an unplanned pregnancy.  It is no more the birthfather's fault than it is my own.  Above all else, I did not get pregnant to provide a child or a 'gift' for someone else.

No one told me I had to choose adoption.  On the contrary, most of those closest to me told me they would do whatever it took to help me raise a child on my own.  Birthfather/boyfriend and I were not guided toward adoption in any way at all.  We had to seek the option.

I am educated, currently parenting 3 boys as a single mother. I have a career.  I do not live in poverty.  I am not without the resources needed to raise a child.

I was not afraid of the stigma of being a single mother.  Those days are over.  Even for someone like me who lives in the public eye in a smaller community.  Regardless of the support or lack of support I would have had from the BF, I knew there were resources of all kinds to support me if I chose to parent.

Adoption was not my last resort.  Abortion was never an option.  I was choosing single parenting vs. choosing a married couple as parents for my child.

My decision was based upon what I would choose for my child, knowing that a married biological mom and dad was not in the immediate future.

I considered the life that this child would have with me vs. what life would be like with a different family.  The kind of family I wished I had.  Not because I think society pressured me to be married, but because my child DESERVED that advantage from birth.  All of my other children had that.  At least at the beginning of their lives they had a married mom and dad caring for them under the same roof.  Single parenting didn't come until later.

I am a good single mom.  Being single does not make you a poor parent.  It just makes you a tired parent.  I was a tired parent when I was married too.

I did not choose adoption because I didn't think I could be a good mom to this child.  I would have loved her (and I still do) just as much as I love my other children.  But I had to decide if the circumstances which I would bring this child into was fair to all of us.  The unborn child, the children I currently parent, the birthfather and me.

Single parenting would have been the easiest decision.  It was the default decision.  I had to actively pursue adoption.

I thought I understood what adoption would be like.  I was wrong.  I also thought I knew what marriage would be like, but I was wrong there too.  That doesn't make adoption the wrong choice any more that it makes marriage the wrong choice.

I chose a road that few choose.  Not because I am better than those who choose single parenting.  I know how hard single parent's have it.  Been there, doing that.

I chose adoption because I wanted more for this child.  Not more material items; she lives with a stay at home mom and a school teacher father.  I would guess that her birthfather and I make more individually than they make as a couple. 

Financial condition of her parents was not our number one priority.  Her birthfather and I were both young and living paycheck to paycheck when we had our first children.  That doesn't determine if you will be a good parent.  Economics was not the reason for this adoption plan.

I did not want my child to be caught between two households of a mom and a dad who lived apart.  (Yes, this is ironic to me now as I long for a more open adoption relationship.)  I had no gaurantees that her father and I would still be together 5 years after her birth.  Statistically the odds are/were not in our favor.  At least with married parents she would have a 50/50 chance.

Above all else, never once did I feel like I was a victim to the 'adoption mill'.  I was in control of the entire process.  I realize I might be an exception in this area.  But it is important to note, that not every adoption has tragedy associated with it.

Do I wish I would have made a different choice?  Maybe.

Did I make the wrong choice? No.

I did what I thought was best for my child at the time I had to make a decision.  Things have changed since that adoption decision.  Life does not come with a manual or a crystal ball.  We do the best we can with the circumstances we are presented.

There was no perfect solution to the situation I was in.  Neither choice was right or wrong.  Brit would have had a good life either way.  Both choices would have involved loss for Brit.  Not growing up with a married mom and dad, or not growing up in her birthfamily.  I had to choose which I thought was better for Brit.

I do second guess my decision.  Of course I do. But that still doesn't mean I made the wrong decision.  Human nature is to wonder how things would have been different.

Now I am here.  This is what we have.

So I will work toward creating the best outcome for the child who had no say in her circumstances.  She did not choose to be born to an unwed mother.  She did not choose to be adopted.

But like me, she will always have to live with that.  So it is up to her parents, BF and me to make the best of what the reality is for her.

I know this is tough.

But this is not tragedy.  Brit has a happy life with parents who love her.  She also has birthparents who love her very much.  That is not tragedy.  Her parents did not steal her from me.  I handed her over to them willingly, trusting that they would be the parents to her that I could not be.

Sure, Brit will have to deal with her feelings about why she was adopted.  I do not want to marginalize this burden that she will have to carry.  However, how many of us have had to bear a burden of somthing that we have no control over in our own, biological families?  Substance abuse, neglect, mental health issues, even issues as seemingly simple as parents who are just very different from us (even if we have the same gene pool!)?

I am very hopeful that Brit will grow up with a loving understanding of her story.  I am also hopeful that she will never have a feeling of abandonment because we will not go away.

I am also very hopeful that her parents will love her so much that they will be willing to allow her to have whatever kind of relationship with she wants with her birthfather and me when she is old enough to ask. 

As a parent of my own children, I have a great respect for parents and their place in a child's life, and I will never knowingly overstep my boundaries in Brit's life.  I have no delusions of her "coming back" to me as if I was her mother all along.  She has a mother, the only mother she has ever known.  That will never change.

I am her birthmother.  I love her and will always make sure she knows that.  I will be available to her in any way that I can be.

Open adoption is hard work.  But a healthy open adoption for the sake of a child is possible.

I love Brit and I believe I have a role and obligations to her.  And together with her parents, her birthfather and me, we will make this adoption relationship anything but a tragedy.

Being protective

Not that it is a newsflash, but the emotions that we experience as women are so very unpredictable.  At least mine are.  I am just a roller coaster on any given day.

Case in point, my reaction to comments here on my blog.

I love blogging because of the incredible network of people who reach out and offer advice and words of encouragement.  Even if they are not someone from the adoption world.

I love that.

With the good comes the bad.  And fortunately I have had very few negative comments here on my blog.  I know I am lucky.

However, even comments meant to be supportive of my position sometimes stir up a response of defensiveness in me.

This time it came in the form of defensiveness about "my" adoptive parents.

Yes, I lament about wanting more of a relationship with them.  I express hurt and pain.  But just like a parent is protective of their child, I find myself becoming very protective of my a-parents too.

Almost all comments on my blog are lovely and supportive of both me and the parents of Brit.  But occasionally one creeps in here that is not complimentary.

When that happens, my initial reaction is "Hey, don't you say negative things about my a-parents, you don't know their intentions or their heart!"  Yes, I know, ironic considering this is the place where I speak longingly of how I wish they would reach out to me more.

But I love them.  I love what they do provide to my child.  I love who they are as people.  I don't believe they do anything out of ill intentions.  They are just like me.  We are human, just trying to do the best we possibly can.  We are Christians looking for God's guidance with a situation we don't have any experience dealing with.

They did not deceive me to get my baby.  Their actions all make perfect sense.  They are up front with me about why they feel like they do and why they act like they do.  I don't have to speculate, because they have been honest in all communication with me and the BF. 

They do not do one thing and say another. The unmet expections that I have had with them stem from the grey area that we left undefined prior to Brit's birth.  I should have been more clear.   When I said I wanted for us to have a family visit before the end of summer, I should have confirmed with them that they would be willing to do that.  Instead I assumed that since they didn't say no, it would happen.  But even if we had agreed to the visit, I still don't know if it would have happened, based upon the emotions they were feeling at that time.

We just didn't know what an adoption relationship would be like.  And the strong feelings we would all have to work through.

To clear up some details, we had no formal agreement.  Every interaction between Brit's parents and me is by our own free will.  We had a private adoption with no agency involved.  No social worker.  No plan.

So we are navigating a path that none of the four of us know anything about.  Both Brit's mom and I read lots of books before the adoption.  Only speaking from my perspective, but when I read them, I found myself thinking, "That doesn't apply to US.  We are all good friends.  We can figure this out."

For the most part that is true.  We still communicate. And I firmly believe we all love and respect each other.  We simply see open adoption differently.  I see it as an active relationship.  I would describe their perspective as a passive relationship.

We just didn't know what it would really feel like when we all got home from the hospital.  I would never ever judge Brit's mom's actions or reactions because she had just become a first time mom. 

I remember what that was like and it is alot of guessing, crying, little sleep and an overwhelming feeling of love that you never even knew existed. 

But what I don't have any experience with is what that would be like coupled with the knowledge that my joy came with the grief of another mother.

If the adoption would have been closed she would not have known.  If she didn't care about me, it wouldn't have bothered her. She would have just been able to focus on her child. 

But Brit's parents are good people.  It did matter to them that my heart hurt.  But they also needed to protect their own hearts.  They had to deal with their feelings and emotions just like I had to deal with mine.  Unfortuately, the way that they dealt with their emotions made mine worse.  I don't believe they knew that.  Neither one of us could read the mind of the other.

One of the comments I received talked about how adoption relationships take work, just like other relationships. The difficult part about adoption relationships is that there are few resources to help us navigate through them.  Very few of us have ever seen an example of an open adoption (until we enter into one ourselves and we seek those out here in the cyber world!).  Global Librarian was right on the money with those thoughts.  So very true.

I also appreciated the comments from Faith about how we shouldn't judge the a-parents just because I want a relationship that looks a certain way, and Brit's parents might not.

She is also very right to that point.

They have every "right" to feel like they do, just like I have every "right" to my own feelings.

I think it is very encouraging that we all can say how we are feeling to each other.  I am so glad I don't have an agency that we are working through.  Sure, maybe it would have been easier sometimes, but I want a REAL relationship with Brit's parents.  And that means having easy and tough conversations directly with each other.

If Brit's parents were to ever contact me or BF and say that they have decided that they want one visit per year and quarterly emails with pictures, then I will honor that decision.  I will wish for more, but I chose them as the parents of Brit.  They get to decide.  Just like Brit will get to decide later if she wants to continue to have a relationship with me and BF.  I wish I could be part of that decision, but as we all know, birthparents have no legal recourse.  By design.  It is unfortunate, but I understand completely why it is this way.

I recognize that my situation is a bit unique.  Most birthmothers are not over 35, parenting other children, financially sound and without addiction issues.  I am not the stereo-typical birthmom.  However, I have found that there are others like me.  Birthmothers can be your neighbor.

I believe that a very open adoption relationship would be very healthy for all of us.  We live close.  We are all stable adults.  We share the same faith.  And from my research, children in very open adoptions are well adjusted and are less likely to describe their adoption situation as a negative experience.

I don't want Brit to ever have negative feelings about the way her family was created.  I want her to feel special.  We chose her parents so she could have the very best. I want to be a part of her life so she doesn't wonder and so the story is always clear.  I want her to experience knowing both families her entire life.

I believe this would be the best situation for Brit, but what makes me the expert? I think I know what would be best, but maybe I don't.  I certainly believe that not all adopted children in closed adoptions harbor ill feelings or will be poorly adjusted adults.  My first husband was adopted in a closed adoption relationship and he has no ill feelings toward any of his parents.

But I must trust that God's hand is in this relationship.  If it weren't such a personal story that belongs to Brit's parents, I would share how they came into our lives and how perfect God's timing was in both Brit's parents journey to become parents, and our journey to find parents for Brit.  There are no coincidences here.  God orchestrated something that we could not have planned even if we tried.

I am fortunate to have chosen parents who I know have a faith in God like I do.  They do not make rash decisions.  They prayerfully consider what is best for their family.

So here is the peace that I have come to.  This belongs to God.  Brit is loved and cared for.  I have absolutely nothing to worry about.  And my desires to have more connection to her and her family are for Him to orchestrate once again.

Philippians 4:6
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.

PS - Thank you everyone for the comments both positive and negative.  It is so good for me to hear and see differening perspectives on this topic.  It has made me more understanding and increased my compassion for everyone in the adoption triad.  I appreciate each comment for the value it adds.

Giving it to God

I have two draft posts that I have not finished. My birthmother world has been painful once again.  I have tried to blog, but there is too much to say.

And it is painful.  Painful to the point of shutting down.  Completely.  I found myself thinking that I just have to let go of the "birthmom" role for right now.  Otherwise I might go completely crazy. (Or crazier, depending on who you talk to.)

The story is complicated on two levels.  My relationship with Brit's parents and my relationship with Brit's birthfather (BF).

Today I only have the energy to address the relationship with the parents.

Brit's parents found the blog. 

I had a suspicion in the back of my mind because I have the FeedJit tracker on my blog and I saw a local inquiry from the town that one of them works in.  I knew that something had to be up with that.  I was not worried and was quite honestly perfectly OK with it.  I believe in being honest, and that is what this blog is.

All of my usual blog visitors are adoption triad members from all over the country, but none are local to me. I have one sister who knows about the blog and just the other day I finally told my mom.  I had told BF about the blog a month or two ago, but he has never visited it.  He chooses not to deal with anything that might cause him to feel uncomfortable, so I am not surprised that he had no interest in reading it. (That issue is a post for later.)

After Brit's parents found the blog, they decided to call me and BF to set up a time where we could all sit down and talk about it.  We each got a separate call and between the 4 of us found a time that would work.

We met last weekend at a restaurant.  Just the four of us. We had good, casual conversation throughout dinner.  Then after we were done eating we addressed the white elephant that was in the room.

I am not great about remembering exact words.  But to generalize the conversation...

The blog was painful for them because they read it through the lens of being the parents who are referenced here.  And while the things that I have said about them were not upsetting to them (or not that they mentioned), they were hurt by some of the comments of others.  I think that they felt unfairly portrayed because their thoughts and actions are only presented from my viewpoint.  But they understood completely why I blog, and they realize that this blog was to be therapeutic for me, and not to be viewed by them.

We talked and it became apparent that we are on two very separate wave lengths in regard to openness in our adoption. 

It was clear that their family and friends are not supportive of them having continued contact with us.  So the contact they do have with us, they feel is adequate and it meets what they believed our relationship would be.  They feel like they have to defend continuing a relationship with us. I get the impression that is uncomfortable for them.

We addressed how I have felt abandoned by Brit's mom because she no longer interacts with me like she did during my pregnancy.  Brit's mom explained that she had to pull away from me when they brought Brit home because she needed to feel like Brit was her child and not mine.  And she thought that continued contact with me would keep her from being able to bond because all she would focus on was my grief from relinquishment.

They mentioned that I routinely address what I want for openness in our adoption here on this blog.  I give examples of beautiful open adoption relationships and how beneficial they are for everyone involved. 

Their feeling is that for every very open adoption relationship that exists, there is a case to be made for semi-open adoption and how it is beneficial for adoptive parents and the child.  It was at this point that I realized that we view open adoptions very differently.

Brit's mom said something that cut me to the core even though she thought what she was saying was nice (and I know it was intended that way).  She said that after our first visit with Brit she went back home and said to the dad, "that was nice, we should try to do that once a year".

There are two reasons that was extremely hurtful to me. The first being, I desperately want more that one visit with Brit per year.  It would be so very easy for us to have more visits since we live about 15 minutes from them. 

The second reason that statement hurt, was because I heard those words in my mind as "I think it would be really nice of us if we allow BF and Lisa see Brit once a year."  As if it was a privilege that we are being granted by them.

Now I need to stop and say, I know that is only my perception and not at all what she said.  I was, and still am, very hyper sensitive about this topic.  I want more visits, and it was clear that they would be fine with few if any.  So what she said was completely misconstrued in my head.  But how I felt is how I felt.

So when I say that I felt like I was an undeserving recipient of a privilege they were granting me, that is not fair to Brit's parents, because they certainly didn't say that.  I just felt that way.  Please no hateful comments about how I twisted her words.

And while on that topic.  I need to be clear about how the parents treat us and the things that they say.  Both mom and dad are always very clear that they appreciate that we have entrusted our child to them.  They repeatedly mention that they will be forever thankful for that, and that they pray for us regularly.

Never have I been treated disrespectfully.  Nor have they uttered an unkind word to me.

Now, back to the dinner.

I tried my very best (through tears) to describe how I would like to see our relationship.  I clearly stated that I have no expectation of monthly visits.  Nor do I need to have a rigid visit schedule.  But what I do want is to feel like we are a family friend.  I don't just want a relationship with Brit.  I want a relationship with all of them.  Even the two new babies.  They are all important to me.

I explained how when this adoption happened, they became a part of my extended family, whether they knew it or not. 

My family brings people into our fold very easily.  No relation required.  We love and include all kinds of people as if they are family.  For example, my ex-husband's first wife became a close friend of mine.  She is now considered one of my sisters.  When we do Christmas gift exchanges, she is one of the girls.  I love that.  Every holiday event we have, there is always someone who is not a blood or marriage relative in attendance.  My sisters, mom, me and our children all love easily and quickly.  We will bring anyone in with us.

So with that kind of personality and history, when Brit's mom and I got to know each other during my pregnancy, I am sure I just assumed she was coming into the fold.  That was never their intention.  That is not how their family works, so that is unusual for them.  Completely fair.  I can see where my expectations about this were unrealistic.

I explained to them that my sister had just asked me the other day if she could invite them to her son's first birthday party because my nephew is just two weeks younger than Brit so we were all pregnant together.  My sister thought it would be fun to have them join us with Brit.

That would be a completely normal occurrence for my family.  So while most families would find that odd, it would be wonderful to us.  We love freely and include everyone.

In explaining my ideal relationship with them, I told Brit's parents that I especially want to be the mom's friend.  I want her to feel comfortable enough that she would call me and just chat.  Or comfortable enough that I could give her a call or text and it wouldn't be a big deal.

I told them that I don't even expect monthly emails.  Instead, I wish that when something adorable happens she would include me in any email or text that she might send to her own family.

This is another area where we realized that we are very different. 

I am an over-communicator.  Nothing is off limits.  I am not private.  My world is an open book.  I have 1,250 Facebook friends.  Everyone in town knows my business because I am in PR, sit on a multitude of committees, live and work in this same small town I have lived in since high school.  I give lots of public presentations. I love public speaking and everyone knows it.  I write often and easily.  So I send lots of emails and I include tons of information.  My life is on the go at every sporting event in town, chasing my boys who are very athletically gifted.  I know lots of people.

Brit's parents are more private.  They are most comfortable at home.  They don't call many people.  Brit's mom told me that I receive more pictures of Brit than most of her family members.  They have a few close friends.  They like it like that.

To try to describe the type of relationship I hope we someday have, I gave the example that if they were taking Brit and the babies to the zoo one day, I would love it if they called and asked if we wanted to join them.  Something completely casual and easy.

Brit's mom said she had never considered a relationship like that before.

I also let them know that we have 5 boys who are desperate to meet Brit.  They ask us all the time when they will get to see her.  I told them that I would really like for them to have the mystery removed and let them have a relationship with her so they can have peace with the fact that they have a sister who lives somewhere else with a different set of parents.

BF did chime in often during this conversation and the one thing that he said that I completely agree with, (but for reasons other than why he believes it), "It doesn't matter what other people's adoption relationships look like, we want to do what is right for OUR relationship." 

I also give him great credit for repeatedly telling the parents that we believe they are wonderful parents to Brit, and we are glad they are the parents we didn't think we could be.  We both were very clear with them that we love them, even though we are working through these painful relationship issues.

By the time we got to the end of the conversation, they said they would go home and think and pray about what we had talked about.  Which was a huge blessing to me.  I am so grateful that they are willing to at least consider something more.  So many birthmoms would do anything to have adoptive parents say that to them.  I know I am lucky.

We were all completely spent by the time the conversation ended.  The intensity of what was said was hard for me, so I am sure that it had to be very difficult for them since I am used to candid, even painful conversations and they are much more reserved.

I think the things that are hardest for me to process from this meeting are:

• We have very different ideas about what our adoption relationship should look like.  Brit's parents believe they are honoring what they said we agreed to, which was regular emails.  I don't recall that as a conversation, but I won't argue it.  I was pregnant and who knows what I thought or said.  I do however remember mentioning a summer get together with them, Brit and my family and they never objected.  I also recall us specifically stating that we were going to evaluate our relationship as we went along because none of us knew how this would work.
• Their family and friends are not supportive of an open adoption, which will make this even harder for them.
• The things that make them most comfortable and me most comfortable are very different.  They intend to always tell Brit that she is adopted, but not necessarily to make a relationship with us a priority.  I want Brit to always know us so she has the least impact from being adopted as possible.
• BF wants the same type of openness in our relationship with Brit's parents, but he just wants it to happen.  He is perfectly fine just waiting to see if it does.  I want all of us to be deliberate.
• Things changed.  For all of us.  I need more connection to them than I am getting.  They don't.  We are at a point of re-negotiation of our relationship.  And what I believe is best for Brit, is not necessarily what they believe.  Since they are her parents, they get to decide.  I feel like I have to plead my case.
• Compromise will be difficult for all of us.  We are all having to consider that our relationship with each other may be different than what we want individually.  All of us will experience some level of being uncomfortable.

To be painfully honest, I am jealous.  I want the kind of relationship that so many of you have.  I want Brit's parents to think about a relationship with me/us as an important part of her well-being like so many of you moms do with your birth families.

I cry when I read the posts from many of you who are worried about why your birthmoms are pulling away.  It makes me want to scream and say, "I would be that birthmom you want for your child, I want that too!".

When I read many of your hopeful adoption blogs, I feel your incredible waiting pain.  Mine is completely different, because I am on the other side.  But the wait is brutal.  We all want something that we don't currently have.  It hurts so badly.

I get comments from time to time that remind me to consider how hard this is for the adoptive parents.  My blog is very birthmother focused and not very adoptive parent focused. 

To my defense, I am a birthmom.  I see and feel through the experiences of a mother who relinquished a child for adoption.  That is the only experience I have, and I am living it.  I am not on the other side.  I am knee deep in grief.

As a birthmother I think about how all of this would have been so much easier if I would have just chosen to parent in spite of my circumstances.

And if I had to guess, I would think my thoughts are similar to those of adoptive parents when they think this would be so much easier if this child was biologically theirs and they didn't have to deal with all of the complicated emotions and situations that adoption presents for everyone, including the child.

I even have the same terrible thoughts when I walk past teen moms who are single and living in extraordinary poverty, still parenting a child.  I completely get what couples who are experiencing infertility must feel when they see the same situations.

I think, I have financial stability, a career, parenting experience and yet, I chose not to raise my own child.  And look at her!  She has none of those things and she kept her baby.  It's not fair.  I have extreme pain because I miss my child so much it makes my heart literally ache.  And I did this to myself and to my daughter just because I wanted perfect for her.  Was having two married parents really that important?

And I know what infertile couples battle when they see the same thing.  It is the same repugnant thoughts, but very much similar to mine.  Why was she blessed with a child when we weren't?  We possess everything a child could want or need, why is this so unfair?

We are all human.  Adoption brings out both the best and worst in all of us.

I am encouraged by many of your blogs as you talk about refocusing your thoughts and desires to those that would be pleasing to God.  That was the final revelation I came to after the conversation. 

This is not something that I can or should control.  I shouldn't try to change it on my own power.  My focus is entirely selfish.  God is not pleased with those thoughts.  I need to marinade in the same verse many of you take solace in.

Jeremiah 29-11-14

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹

This is now in God's hands.  Brit's parents now clearly know the desire of my heart.  And I know where they stand. 

God is going to have to intervene on behalf of all of us.  I need to be seeking His will for all of us.  Only God knows what is best for Brit.  This is not about me. Or her parents.  It is about Brit.

My response

OK, I have had a while to think about the previous comment left here about my adoption story and there are just a few things I would like to address just to make sure my position is clear. 

I hope you make it to the bottom of this post because it is the second set of comments are the most meaningful to me, as they were posted by an adoptee who seems to have a good heart.

But before we get to the nice comments here are a few of my thoughts about the original comment.

First, it  began with probably the biggest zinger of what I read.  The commenter states she is an adoptive mother who chose closed adoption so she wouldn't have to deal with a birthmother.  Followed by this very interesting statement:

"It is to difficult for the birth mother to maintain her place and most often believes that she is owed special privileges following her decision to give her child up based on reasons that she later regrets."

I am interested to know what is a birthmother's place? 

In the most beautiful adoption relationships that I have researched and read about, the birthmother's place is respected and embraced.  In the same way that the adoptive parents are loved and respected. The adoptive parents appreciate the birth family for the role that they have in their child's life.  In those open adoptions the birthmother becomes an extended member of their family.  And the birthmother in return respects, loves and honors the parents of the child.

I know for certain I have never once said or even implied that I am owed any special privileges because I am a birthmother.  I asked one time to see the child.  They respectfully declined and I did not say another word about it.  I have never asked again.  The visit we did have was offered by Brit's mother and father. And we were grateful when they allowed us that time with her.

"She then begins to project blame, guilt and grieving on the mother who is loving, raising and embracing each moment of life with the gorgeous little girl."

This blog is about me and my feelings.  I do not call Brit's parents and cry to them.  These are not letters to Brit's parents.  This is a heartfelt sharing of my most intimate feelings.  Right or wrong.  They are my feelings.

The time I did talk to Brit's father on the phone, he willingly called me and I was clear that I did not blame them for anything.  I simply told him how hard it was to have such a broken heart.  I was just being honest because I firmly believe that in this situation, it was important that we all understood where we stood in the post adoption adjustment.

I specifically have stated here in my blog that Brit's parents were not the cause of my grief.  I was grieving the loss of a child and I think even more than that, I grieved the loss of a friendship.  Yes, the fact that they pulled back and ended the close relationship we had prior to her birth was very painful for me.  But after talking to Brit's father, I better understood why it had happened and I respected him and them for sharing that with me.  And I in return told them how I felt.  They did not intend to hurt me.  And I certainly have never intended to hurt them either.

I have always owned my own grief.  I was not coerced into an adoption plan.  I am a mature, educated, self sufficient woman. I made the decision. Now I wish that I would have done some things differently.  I wish that I would have asked more specific questions about what our future relationship with this child would look like. I wish I would have done more post-adoption grief research prior to placement.  I wish we all would have sat together and worked out a post-adoption plan that we could go back to when things got so tough for all of us because we were on an emotional roller coaster.  But the past is just that.  Now we must look forward.

Never once have I "dumped" my grief on them.  I save the grief dumping for here.  This began as a private blog that no one read.  Then a couple of adoptive mom's found it and now I have a few followers.  Only one is a person who I know and she is the one who connected me to the parents in the first place.  All other followers are from states far from me.  Not even my family knew about this blog.  It is simply a place that I have found others like me who can help me process post-adoption grief.  And a place where I can see and better understand perspectives of adoptive families.

The next portion of her comment, I just completely disagree with.

"I do not mean to appear disrespect but it appears to me from reading all of your blogs that you have expectations that are unrealistic and very unfair to this little angel.

You had roughly 8 months during your pregnancy and 12 hours post birth to parent her but apparently chose not to parent her due no commitment of marriage from your boyfriend, older kids you have already raised and your age."


I do not believe my expectations are unrealistic, nor are they unfair to our little angel.  I do not request visits, I do not hound her parents.  The only place that I even speak of these things is right here on this blog.  This is where I think out loud and wish for something different.  If I were calling them, or emailing them, begging for more, then I could begin to see your point.  I do none of those things. 

I want a relationship with Brit and I was clear about that prior to her birth.  I didn't know when that relationship would begin, but there was never any question about whether or not we would want to have a relationship with Brit and her parents.  We intended to maintain our friendship with them.  I had no reason to believe that would change.

Now, maybe that sounds unrealistic to someone who doesn't want to deal with a birthmother.  And if it does, then I am very glad that this commenter found an adoption relationship that relieves her of such a "burden". I hope that it also works for the child involved.

The rest of the comment is just mean spirited.  It is obvious that this person does not read all of the love and affection that I have toward Brit's parents.  I never speak ill of them.  I always say how grateful I am that they love sweet Brit with all the love I could ever want for her.

If I were an addict, or had other issues that would be difficult to deal with, I can understand why an adoptive couple would maintain a distance.  But even if that were the case, children have a natural curiosity about their biological family.  In spite of the circumstances from which they came. For the sake of the child, knowing more rather than less about his/her birth family seems to have the most benefit.

I did not choose an anonymous family for my child.  I chose her parents specifically because they were like us.  We got along great.  They will provide for their daughter the same kind of life she would have had with us had we stayed together, gotten married and parented her.

I spent 6 months of my life getting to know her mother.  We laughed together, cried together and created a friendship.  She met my children.  We have many commonalities.  She is exactly the mother I wanted for my daughter.  And since I wasn't in a place to do that, I am so thankful we found them.

The closing of her comment was also very mean spirited. But I share it again because there is a single ounce of truth to it.

"They do not HAVE to maintain contact and I am amazed they have continued to do so this long. Kudos to them for being so patient with your self-centered expectations. You should be grateful and at their mercy... "

She did get one thing right.  I am grateful for Brit's parents. Thankfully they have an empathy and a true heart for the best interest of their child.  I am so lucky that God brought them into my life and not someone who had no intentions of having to deal with the complications of a birthmother.  I am praying for this commenter. My heart hurts just seeing the hateful thoughts that fill her heart.

IF YOU READ NOTHING ELSE, READ THIS COMMENT FROM AN ADOPTEE.

Now here is the a comment that I would really like to talk about.  This comment came today after I posted the original nasty message.  I don't know this person, but she sounds very grounded and insightful.  I love the things she had to say.  They are very true.

"That was harsh wasn't it? Well, as an adult adoptee I would have to say adoption is harsh for us too.

My wish is that everyone would understand how hard and lifelong painful it is BEFORE they decide that it will be a win-win-win for everyone.

You can continue by being honest on your blog. It seems you though it would be like you were raising your child from afar without the responsibility, but able to enjoy all the milestones. Its not so easy is it? It will not be easy for your child either.

And if this adoption closes, it will also be hard for both of you. There are no easy answers, just a lifetime of loss.

And as you see, some adoptive parents just want everyone to get over it, so they can continue with the "as if born to" fantasy.

Good luck with your hard choices, I hope you can find a way to compromise and keep the best interests of your child in mind."

The only thing that I would say that is not true of my expectations of adoption is the idea that I would be able to share in milestones.  I knew that I was relinquishing that right when we made her adoption plan.  I knew I would be loving from afar most of the time. 

That doesn't mean it still doesn't make me sad.  I wish it wasn't this way.  I wish I could have kept Brit and raised he in the same manner that her parents are raising her now.  But I couldn't.  And they are.  Brit benefits.

I never had any intention of being a co-parent.  I am not Brit's parent.  But I love her.  And I want a relationship with her.  It will not be like her relationship with her mom.  That special place belongs to her mom.  But I can still have a meaningful relationship with Brit, and her parents.  It is just different than being her parent.

I want to be their family friend.  I want to share in the joys of Brit's life.  I don't expect that I will be there for all of them.  But I want to celebrate them just the same.  Even if it is at a distance most of the time.  I liken it to the kind of relationship I have with my sister and nephew.  I am crazy, head-over heels in love with that little guy.  I try to spend as much time as possible with him.  But I am not his mother.  However, I love him like crazy anyway.  I wasn't there when he took his first steps, but I rejoiced when they told me that he finally started walking.  I wish my relationship with Brit and her family was like that.

I want Brit to always know who we are so she doesn't fantasize about her birth family.  I want us to be real to her.  I want her to understand from a as early as she can comprehend, that we chose her parents especially for her, not because we didn't want her, but because we wanted her to have more than we could provide for her at the time.

I don't want Brit to feel like she lost anything.  I want her to have everything that is available to her.  Parents who love her, a birth family who also loves her, and an identity of who she is and where she came from.

I hope that by being involved in some type of relationship with Brit, she will be able to appreciate all of the ways that she is special to so many people.

I want to shield her from as much loss as I possibly can.  I have always wanted only the best for her.  And I hope that is exactly what she receives.