It is extremely complicated for me because I was a step-mom to a girl and a boy for 13 years. I consider them both my children still to this day. Especially the girl. She and I got along very well for all of those years. She has a little boy of her own now and I definitely consider him my grandson!
For lots of years I said 5. I had three biological sons and two step children. They were all mine. I fed them, took them to school, fixed what they broke.
So after their dad and I got divorced, I was puzzled once again about how to answer that question. It was easier with my daughter because she was grown and not living at home anymore. But my step-son was still part of my life. Usually I said, 4 boys and a grown daughter.
As time went on, the step-son and I began having less time together, so sometimes I would just say 3 sons.
Then I had Brit.
And just like that, she was gone.
I know I gave birth to her. And some of the people asking remember that I was pregnant.
She is still my birth daughter. But I am not her mother in a parenting sense.
So what do I say?
By saying I have 3 boys, I feel like I am denying her existance. If I say 3 boys and a girl, inevitably it is followed by "Oh I bet you spoil her! One little sister and all those brothers!"
At that moment the tears well up.
I panic and want to run.
Or, even more poignant and painful, sometimes people ask in front of my kids. If I answer 3 boys, the youngest will usually pipe up and say "And a sister, but my mom gave her up for adoption."
I've been working on that with him. But try stopping a 10 year old from saying what's on his mind.
To a stranger it is a conversation stopper.
For me, it is a dagger to the heart.
