How I try to make a small difference

My it's been a long time since I have posted here!  My excuse is the holidays.  Truth is we are just so very busy and I have been present in the moment with our boys and at work.  Thus, the blog took a backseat.

I think so often "I should blog about that", but the moment passes and I don't sit down and get it done.  And since blogging is just for me, I don't feel obligated like I do with being available to the children I am parenting and the job I work at.

However, yesterday I told myself that I would find 10 minutes today to talk about something that makes me very happy.  It is the small way that I feel like I make a difference in the life of a child, specifically a child that has been able to stay with her family rather than be adopted.

First of all, the potential adoptive parents of this particular little girl are wonderful people.  I met them.  I liked them.  I am even FB friends with the mother.  They seem to be genuinely good parents.  I enjoyed their company.  If we lived closer I believe we would be friends.

But the little girl that they were going to adopt was never placed for adoption.  Her mother decided that she just couldn't do it.  Sadly I think that she saw my long-suffering as a birth mother and she knew that she didn't want the same fate.  I also think that her mother's heart kicked in and she knew that while it would be hard, she could parent this child, just as she had the two teenage boys she was raising.

Yes, I'm talking about my Little Princess.  Little Princess (LP for short) is the little girl who I have cared for every weekend since she was 4 months old.  Her mother works on weekends as the sole provider for herself and her 3 children.  So any hours she can get, she takes.  Including weekend shifts.

The truth is, had LP been adopted by the lovely adoptive couple, she would never have a want.  She would not need daycare, or weekend care.  She would be raised by a very successful work from home mother and successful father.  All of her needs and wants would have been met.

But LP doesn't know that.  The truth is LP is happy.  She has a mommy, two brothers, a daddy (who is crummy, but she doesn't know that yet), and she also has her Lisa and all of Lisa's boys.

If LP was my child, she would have more clothes.  She would have plenty of toys.  We would never wonder if we were going to run out of diapers before payday.  But that does not mean that I should be her mother.

Just because I have more and can give more, doesn't mean I deserve to be her mother.

What it does mean to me is, because I have more and can give more, I should.  So when I buy diapers, I buy a big box and give half to her momma.  When we go shopping, sometimes I buy her clothes that I send home with her.  And when the day comes that she wants to stay overnight at Lisa's house, I will keep her as often as I can.  Because I do have the time to give.  What is one more in my crazy world of boys?!?  And the blessing I get, one more little one to love and to be loved by.

But I am not her mommy.  I am also not their provider.  I am LP and her momma's SUPPORTER.  I love them both.

Because when I say that I believe that families should be preserved if at all possible, then I should do what I can to make sure that happens.

LP is the starfish I was able to save.

Her life will not be perfect.  I won't be able to protect her from some of the realities of low income.  But you know what she will have, HER MOMMY and HER FAMILY.

She will be able to look at her momma's hair and know that is why she has unruly curls.  She will know her two full brothers.  When she is only 5 feet tall, she will know that is because mommy and grandma are the same size. She is with 'her people' as my sweet grandma used to call her family.

And when her momma is at work, she will have her Lisa.  To hold her, love her, snuggle her, fix her hair, and feed her meals.  She will grow up with our boys, who swoon over her.  She will get kisses on her fat little cheeks from me.  She will get time-outs from me too.

LP will know that I love her to the moon and back.  But she will also know that she has a mommy who loves her endlessly too.

Little Princess has everything she needs.  She has her family.

Buying a car and adoption

It's funny how when you are dealing with something, everything around you reminds you of your struggle.  Especially with grief.  When you lose someone you love even the air you breathe can remind you of them.  The trees whisper their name.  Dreams bring them to visit.

I find this so true of my adoption situation.  Nearly everything reminds me of the daughter that we do not have in our lives.

A glaring example has been the past two weeks.  I had to buy a new car.  Mine was finally at death's door and my mechanic told me he wouldn't work on it any more because I just needed to buy a new car.

So I did the car lots visits.  I researched online.  I drove several cars for several days.

The new car

Finally, this weekend, I purchased a new car.  Yes, a brand new car.  Something I have never had before in my life, because let'e be honest, who can really afford a new car?

But I did it anyway, because now that I live with BF I have no household expenses and I can afford a car payment.  So what is the problem with that?

The first thought in my mind was if I had Brit with us right now, the money I will be spending on a car payment would be what I would be paying for daycare.

The thought immediately made me resent the new car and the trade off that it represents in my life.

Little Princess playing in the playhouse
at the car dealership

And to top it off, when the kids got in the car after the soccer game on Sunday, BF's oldest son looked at Little Princess (the little girl I babysit every weekend) who I had buckled in her car seat, and said to her "Hi Brit!"  Then he caught himself and said "I mean Little Princess."

I could hardly breathe.

Apparently I am not the only one who thinks about Brit.

The Little Princess (and Little Princess guilt)

I have not been blogging for two reasons.  Number one, I have been crazy busy with work.  Thirteen hour days for a week.  Ridiculous busy.  Number two reason, I feel like I have nothing to offer on the adoption front.  I just can't think of any blog post that would be worth of the time it takes to write it.

If I was going to write about anything I think it would be the guilt I have been trying to suppress as it relates to caring for our Little Princess.  She is the little girl that I (we) keep every weekend while her mom works.  She is a little girl who was originally going to be adopted, but instead is being parented by her mother.  Her parents have a completely dysfunctional relationship (abuse, manipulation, etc) and her mother (who is a WONDERFUL woman and mother) felt like adoption would be the best choice for her child.  Turns out she just couldn't proceed with her adoption plan as her pregnancy progressed into the final months and she ended up choosing to parent instead.  She is now trying to parent two teenage boys and this little girl, from a position of poverty and survival in an abusive relationship.  Not ideal.

But this is not about her struggle but instead mine (could that sound any more selfish?...).

Anyway, caring for Little Princess is such a blessing to me.  Every day that we have her, I realize what great older brothers my sons are.  They are so amazing with her.  I also watch what a wonderful father figure BF is to her.  He plays with her, kisses her chubby cheeks, and plays peek-a-boo over and over again.  Little Princess snuggles with me and wants me to hold her.  She trusts me and nearly comes out of her skin excited when she sees me come to pick her up.  It warms my heart every single weekend.

So I suppose all of you who know me, even if it is just through the blog, know that this is a blessing wrapped  in pain.

I placed Brit because I wanted her to have a mommy and daddy who were married and who were ready to be parents.  I thought we were too old, had too many obligations already, and I thought Brit would suffer because of this.

And now look at us.

BF and I sit side by side and hold Little Princess on our lap and just laugh at her.  He and I have been her best example of 'married' parents for her entire life (she is now 19 months old - ironically born 9 months after we relinquished our sweet Brit).  BF and I are the only normal 'couple' in her life.  We are proud of her when she accomplishes something new.  We laugh when she learns a new trick.

I load Little Princess up every weekend and we head to ball games, sometimes out of town.  I take her with me to the grocery store.  I rock her when she is sick.  The boys play with her all the time.  They miss her and ask when she will be back.  She celebrates all of the holidays with us.  Our extended family assumes that if it is a weekend, Little Princess will be part of our family celebration.

We have boxes of baby toys, baby clothes and I carry a diaper bag.  My car has a carseat securely fastened in the back seat, even during the week when she is with her momma.

It appears a baby/toddler/little person would have fit into our life after all.

And let's not forget the irony of the fact that when I ran into Brit last weekend at the Farmer's Market, I was walking hand in hand with my Little Princess. She and Brit stared eye to eye with each other.  It was a surreal moment.  The little girl who I help parent looking straight into the eyes of the little girl who I should be parenting.

Something I remind myself is that at least Little Princess's momma was saved the birthmother grief and regret that I now suffer.  Because I can help her, this little girl is home every night with the momma whose tummy she grew in.  She sees her biological brothers every day.  She has her mommy's curls and will always know that they came from her mommy because she sees them as she lays her head on her momma's shoulder.

*Note:  The potential adoptive parents of Little Princess would have been and are great parents.  They ended up adopting a little boy soon after.  There is no doubt that Little Princess would have had exceptional familial support and ideal living arrangements had she been adopted. I know some will say that her life would have been better with adoptive parents.  I do not want to and will not debate this subject.*

I know God put Little Princess in my life for a reason.  Or maybe God put me in her momma's life for a reason.  Probably a whole lot of both.

Either way, Little Princess sure has alot of love.  Because of that, just her presence brings joy to a heart that sometimes has trouble finding joy among the grief.  And yet, her presence reminds me every day that there is a little girl just like her out there, a little girl who doesn't even know me.

So I think I will kiss Little Princess's cheeks a little more this weekend and maybe one of the sweet kisses will be felt by the little girl I wish I could snuggle and kiss too.

Choosing to live, despite the grief

I find that I am not visiting blog land very often any more.  I have a few blogs I follow that I check in on, but rarely comment anymore.  I do love seeing healthy open adoption relationships and I really like watching as so many of you adoptive mothers share and interact with your children's birth families.  That part will always bring me joy.  So I don't think I will ever stop coming back from time to time to check in on my 'friends'.

With today being the 25th, and holding the knowledge that I will receive a Brit update today, I have reflected about what has changed within me that has altered the way I have been expressing my grief lately.  Lack of blogging is visible evidence of this change.

While I did not believe that it could happen, I am coming to terms with our situation.  I still don't like it.  Without a doubt, I want a real relationship with our daughter and her family.  The kind of relationship that includes two-sided conversation and mutual respect for each other.

That is not where we are.  It is obvious that is not where they want to be right now.  That makes me sad.  But as hard as I have fought, and the endless tears that I have shed, have not changed a thing.  They stand fast in their decision to limit their interaction with us to monthly emails and what appears to be a yearly visit.

But now, instead of crying without ceasing, I find myself thinking that it is a crying shame that this is how things are.  Poor Brit is missing out.  Even more so, Brit's parents are missing out.

BF and I are really good people.  We are fun.  We are great parents.  We are great aunts and uncles.  We are great friends.  We even get along with our former spouses.  We are the kind of people who care about others and we do what we can to support the people in our lives.  We have great kids who would love to know their sister.  They would enjoy playing with her and talking with her.  They would be so good to her, just as they are so good to their cousins and even the little princess we take care of on the weekends. (The one year old daughter of my friend who chose to parent instead of placing.)  Our kids would love a relationship with Brit just as much as we would.

It's a shame that Brit's parents do not appreciate that we could be their biggest cheerleaders.  Instead, they have chosen to purposely exclude us as much as they can.

But I that was not our choice.  It is theirs alone.

We continue to reach out.  And we will continue to reach out.

We will continue to send Brit cards and small gifts.  I also think I may start a journal for her, so she knows about what our family was doing while she was growing up somewhere else.  I want her to know that we thought about her everywhere we went and in everything we did.

I still cry.  I also still wake in the middle of the night with a deep ache that is caused by missing part of my heart.  I dream about her.  And everywhere I go something reminds me of her.

But I am doing a better job of living.  I am allowing myself the freedom to enjoy the children who I am parenting.  I don't think I will ever forgive myself for my adoption decision.  But, at least I am figuring out a way to keep living despite that regret.

Sometimes I even catch myself thinking about how great it will be to someday have a relationship with a daughter who is old enough to choose to have her own relationship with us.  I pray that the desire in her heart to know us will be as great as the desire we have to know her.  And I hope that her genetics will have created a heart in her that is like mine, a heart that will bring her back to us.

So today I will wait.  Because for a few moments today I will get to read about what is she is doing now, and see a new picture or two of what she looks like now.  BF and I will talk about how adorable she is and marvel at her newest accomplishments. And I will cry.

Then, I will get up and go tend to the children I have in my house. Because I have to keep living.

Here are a few pics of the life we have had lately...

Explaining to BF that he had just arrived home to a huge surprise 40th bday party in his honor

BF and me in the kitchen at his party

Fun times on the trampoline

Me and the princess at one of the boy's soccer games

Lisa and BF having fun dressing princess up

Pretty Easter dress

Embarrassing my son by wearing a hat at his baseball  tournament

Me and BF walking along the strip in Vegas last weekend (terrible picture, great memory)

Give me a chance.

Lisa loving on Princess

You might recall that I keep a baby every weekend.  I refer to her as Princess here in the blog land.  She is the daughter of a friend of mine who originally planned adoption for her child, but decided to parent instead.  I have felt a strong sense of commitment to this little girl because I know how much support her momma needs to be able to make this all work out.  I am glad that by my little bit of weekend childcare, I am able to help her parent. 

Selfishly, I am glad that my support has helped her not have to deal with the birthmother grief that I have.

So all around, our relationship is very symbiotic.  Princess needs care, I have love and care to give.

Most of the time I don't find myself comparing or associating Princess with Brit.  At least not consciously.  They look nothing alike and I am so busy when I am caring for her, I don't have much time to reflect.

But this weekend was a bit different for me.  Princess is developing a personality.  She is 9 months old and changing so quickly.  She scoots across the floor, crawling sometimes, just scooting most of the time.  She pulls herself up and is so proud to be standing.

I found myself thinking about how Brit was walking at 9 months (just like I did as a child).  I wondered what Brit's personality was like at 9 months.  Did she like the same silly things that Princess does?  What did her laugh sound like?  What does it sound like when she says mama?

I missed it all.  I gave it away.  I will never know.

(Yes, hateful anonymous commenter, I know that was the default I chose when I chose adoption. No need to point it out.  I'll save you the time it takes to comment by acknowledging it right off the bat.)

So back to time with Princess.  While I have her, I take tons of pictures.  I send them to her mom's phone while she is at work so she can see her precious little girl during her breaks.  I also take videos of her doing random things (first time on the sit 'n' spin, finding a milk jug and playing with it like a toy, laughing at the boys, etc.).  I want her momma to know that she is happy.  I also want to share these moments with her momma because she is her daughter.  She should get to enjoy those moments even if she can't be there.  I want to make sure it is just like she was there with us.

Being a birth mom, I am pretty sure I am hyper sensitive in this area.  But looking back, I have been this way with my nephews too.  I have always loved taking cute pictures or retelling cute stories to their parents of the little things that they did while mom and dad were gone.

Reflecting on my actions with Princess, I definitely think I am emulating the behavior I wish I was receiving.  The joyful sharing of a child. 

I make sure I take picture of Princess wearing the new outfit her grandma in California bought her, so her mom can forward them.  I try to be thoughtful about what things her mom might like to see or share with the rest of their family.  I want to be a blessing to them by being there and loving a child that they wish they could care for, but circumstances have kept them from being physically present.

I am thankful that I get pictures of Brit once a month.  Pictures that I spend countless hours inspecting, looking for every detail I can possibly see.  I wonder what that bit of food was on her cheek.  Or what it looks like to see her run in the backyard like they say she does.

Secretly I wish they would occasionally send a picture of her playing with the toys we sent, or the gifts we put much thought and consideration into as we chose them for her.  Because we don't get time with her, the only way we can show our love to her is by sending gifts that we hope will bring her joy.  I also think that if they sent pictures like that, it would make me feel like what we try to do for her matters.  That they recognize it and appreciate it.  It might make me feel like we matter.

Every day I obsess about seeing her again.  I want to physically hold her.  Hear her voice.  See her play.  Even listen to her whine.

I try to fight off the icky thoughts.  The ones that come into my head and cause me to focus on what I don't have, versus what I do have.

I think about how I am a perfectly trustworthy person who not only cares for my own children, but someone who cares for someone else's child.  I am seemingly normal, well-adjusted and the only addiction I have is to Diet Coke. 

Yet, I am not worthy of a relationship with the child I carried for 9 months. The child whose future I wanted to include two married parents.  The child I chose parents for so she could have more than I thought I had to offer. (oh, to go back and talk to that Lisa...)

Now, I am kept at a respectable distance.  Sure, I get pictures and an email update.  But there are no phone calls, no continuation of the relationship that we had prior to birth.

I know that I could handle boundaries.  When Princess's mom comes to pick her up on Sunday nights, I hand her over with no hesitation.  I don't have any 'crazy' in me that wants to keep her.  I respect my role in Princess's life.  I love her while she is with me, but she has a momma to whom she needs to be with.

I read today on another blog that adoptive parents in open adoptions are reminded by couselors that there may be times when  birthmother will need to pull back and can't have a close realtionship with their child.  And I see blogs where adoptive mothers are so sad that birthmoms have distanced themselves.

And then there's me.

Waiting.  Wishing.  Hoping.  Crying.  Praying.  Crying.  Longing.  Crying.  And still holding on to hope. 

Silently screaming "Give me a chance to prove to you that I can be a loving part of this child's life without being a threat."

I want a chance.  I want a relationship.  I don't just want to be the recipient of a scrapbook.

Big weekend

It was graduation weekend.  But in true Lisa fashion, we can't just have graduation, we have to add all kinds of other complicating factors.

Saturday morning I got my little Princess from her momma at 7am.  That began the fun of the day.  Princess and I ran some errands for a couple of hours. 

Then we went to my sister's house and picked up her two little girls so they could go with us to my oldest son's high school graduation party.  My nieces are 10 and 4 and positively adorable. 

So this momma who is not raising any girls, had a car full of them headed to J's graduation party, being hosted by his dad.  Because my other two boys were in a baseball tournament, they weren't with me and didn't get to participate in the graduation festivities of the day. It was just Lisa and the girls.

J's party went great.  His dad and step mom were gracious hosts welcoming all of my family as they came to wish my son well.

After the party, I took all three of the girls shopping at the Goodwill store down the street.  We spent TWO hours there trying on clothes!  Imagine having a 5 month old baby, 4 and 10 year old girls.  It was quite the adventure.

We each walked out with a bag full of clothes and big smiles (except for the baby, and she was asleep by then).

I dropped the girls off with their dad and the Princess baby with her momma who had gotten off work early.

J met me at a friend's house (where they were also having a graduation party), and he and I decided to go out to dinner, just mom and son, to celebrate his graduation accomplishment.  He chose the local hibachi grill and we had the typical hibachi experience.

The next morning Princess was dropped off at 6am so the fun could begin again.  I was so thankful that she fell asleep in my arm and we were able to take a one hour nap before she woke back up at 7:30am.  I needed the sleep!

Then we were off to my grandson's baptism in a Catholic church in a rural community where my daughter lives, about 40 minutes from us.

I will have to say, two days of carrying a baby in a car seat while wearing 4" heels was more than I could stand!

We watched the baptism ceremony (not being Catholic myself, it was interesting to see how the ceremony is done and what the belief is behind child baptism).

While I snapped pictures, my youngest son D held the Princess.  It was a huge help.

The ceremony was really special because there were two babies being baptized that day, and they are cousins.  A neat memory for two little ones who will grow up together.

I was also so glad to see what a great daddy my daughter's fiance is.  (They will be getting married in November.)  That baby loves his daddy and that daddy loves his baby.  So cool to see a young man who takes being a father seriously.

Aren't they the cutest little family?!?

The we were off again to head to the actual graduation ceremony for J.  This included another 40 minute drive across town.  If Princess would have been sleeping this would have been an easy trip.  But she didn't sleep, and she wanted to eat NOW.

So we took a detour, stopped at a Golden Corral where my youngest son thought he was in heaven because all of his favorite foods were at his fingertips in any quantity he wanted to eat.

I, on the other hand, tried to make a plate while walking and eating with a child in my arm.  It is amazing how that skill came back to me even when it has been 10 years since I carried around an infant regularly.

Lunch was done, baby was fed, diaper changed and we were off.

We made it to J's town in time to watch the traditional march that the graduates make through the town to the school.  I had never seen anything like that.  The students were hot and tired by the time they got there, but it is a cool memory that they will have of the annual graduation tradition from their community.  We snapped a picture of J as he walked by.

Got to the school and navigated all the stairs down to the gym floor where J's dad had saved us a seat.  Have I mentioned how hard it is to walk in heels and carry a baby in a car seat?  It was KILLER!

The ceremony was great.  They had 18 valedictorians.  Apparently all of them were 4.0 students.  Quite a deal.  My youngest son D made it clear to me that he will NEVER be on the stage if you have to get straight A's all through high school.  Apparently he doesn't even have any aspirations of being an academic overachiever!

I did make J stop and take a picture with his momma.  Doesn't he look delighted?!? (Notice the white shirt, got it at Goodwill the day before.  I love it!)

Once the ceremony was over, D, the Princess and I headed back to our home another 40 minutes away.  Once again Princess had enough of the car rides and fussed on the way home.  We were all just worn out.

We got back to our house and Princess's mom called and said she was on her way, she had gotten off work early.  It was a good deal for all of us.

So with Princess gone for the day, D and I went to get his haircut to correct the haircut his dad had given him the night before.  D told me he wasn't going to school until he got it fixed, so it was a non-negotiable task we had to get out of the way.

Then it was off to the BF's house for a quick visit, and now I am back at home thinking my bed is calling my name.

To think, I have a Monday waiting for me tomorrow when I wake up.  Yuck. 

Congrats to my new high school graduate.  I am so proud of you and how you are growing up!

Mother's Day weekend - come and gone

Disclaimer:  Post filled with baby pictures and lame details about my weekend.  If you would rather not endure the pictures and play by play of my life, scroll down to the area of this post labeled BEING A BIRTHMOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY  for my reflections on birthmother's day and Mother's Day as a birthmom.

I filled my weekend with lots of baby time and bonding time with my three sons.

Friday night I kept nephew B overnight.  He is just simply an angel.  It was perfect.  I was even able to entertain guests that evening.  Baby B really does love me.  I promise he does.  Please disregard the look of horror on his face as I kissed him.

Saturday morning B's parents came to pick him up, and while they were there my little Princess (my friend's daughter) was dropped off for my weekend babysitting duty.  Which I can hardly call duty considering how much joy it gives me.

We got Princess dressed and ready then we were off to my other nephew's birthday party.  While we were there, Princess was held by everyone in the room.  We are all suckers for babies.  Being the oldest of 5 sisters, you can bet that we all love our baby time when someone brings a baby to family functions.






Sister #3 with Princess




My mom with Princess



Sister #2 carrying Princess

The sweetest words spoken that day came from my 12 year old LanMan when he looked at the Princess before we walked out the door and he said "She is just so pretty!  I am so glad we get to keep her."  melt.my.heart


That afternoon I dropped the boys off at their dad's house and went to BF's house so I could gather up his two boys and take them to a photo session as a surprise for their dad's bday (which is today - Happy Bday C! Enjoy 39!)

Because Princess fell asleep before I was heading out the door, BF said he would be glad to keep her so I had my hands free while I was with his boys.  He is so good with that baby.  BF was definitely designed to be a dad.

The boys and I did the picture thing, got a frozen yogurt and headed back to the house.  By the time I got there Princess had been picked up by her momma, who got off work early.  So being baby-free, we headed off to the movies to celebrate BF's bday by watching Thor in 3D.

Sunday, Princess was dropped off early in the morning again and I got her ready and took her to church with me.  Where they all gush over her too.  Then it was back to BF's house for a Mother's Day lunch with him and his extended family.  They were a little shocked to see me walk in the door with a baby in a carrier.  I think they were very confused.


The boys and I spent the rest of the day at BF's house just hanging out.  We went home around 8:30pm where we settled down for the night and Princess was picked up at 9:30pm.

We were all worn out from a day of fun.  Sleep came easily to all of us. So easily as a matter of fact, I didn't call my OWN mother and wish her Happy Mother's Day after Princess left (like I had planned to).  So I had better make a really apologetic call today.  Thank heavens I have 4 other sisters who probably didn't drop the ball like I did!

BEING A BIRTHMOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY
I was thankful for the time with Princess and baby B this weekend.  It consumed my attention so I didn't shed any tears of loss and grief for my dear sweet Brit, who was distinctly missing from the weekend festivities.

I have made up my mind that Birthmother's Day is too painful for me right now.  I love that people use it to acknowledge the multitude of birthmothers who have chosen adoption for their children.  But it is too hard for me because I am not acknowledged in any way as being Brit's birthmother.  Neither on Birthmother's Day or Mother's Day.  BF says nothing of it, and Brit's parents do not acknowledge it either.

Last year when that happened, I nearly had a breakdown.  I had just given birth to Brit about 6 weeks before and the wound to my heart was deep and fresh.  Compound the hormonal imbalance of being post-partum, with the fact that NO ONE acknowledged Brit's relationship to me during the Mother's Day weekend, I was a disaster.

So this year I prepared myself in advance.  I had no expectations of acknowledgement.  I knew that thoughts of Brit and how she was spending her mother's day would just be my own personal torture.  Expectations met.  I did send Brit's mom a mother's day card, telling her I am grateful she is the mother of Brit and wishing her a happy Mother's Day.  I hope she received it and it brought her joy.

Thankfully I was so busy that I didn't dwell much on the loss of the day.  I didn't cry.  I laughed with my boys and enjoyed the present as it was. 

But I would be lying if I said that I didn't pretend that the sleeping angel in my lap was the daughter I was missing.

I know this will get better.  Maybe when Brit gets old enough, she will want to reach out to me on Mother's Day.  That will sure be nice if she does.




So I will leave no on a happier note.  My 18 year old son J thought this would be the best way to give me Mother's Day wishes.



My rearview as I took the kids to school this morning



I guess I know what I will be doing tonight after work.  Carwash here I come.

The bottles

The Princess - all smiles

I unloaded the dishwasher last night and saw that I had two bottles in there.  It immediately put a smile on my face.  Only two more days until another weekend with the Princess baby.



Baby B eating his first birthday cake

And I get a super added bonus, I get to keep my nephew B overnight Friday night while his parents celebrate their anniversary.  It will be his first time away from them all night.  I feel so lucky.  I love that baby boy so much.  I seriously can hardly wait.



Such a happy little guy!

I sure love feeling joy like this.  Thank you God for bringing me two beautiful distractions that let me share my love with them.





Baby love and hindsight

So I have spent the weekend loving a 4 month old little girl.  **smiling**

The good news is her momma has asked if I will do the same every weekend.  I agreed unless I have something that would prohibit me from taking the Princess along with me.  Looking ahead I don't see anything that would fit that bill.  Hooray!

I know my last post was a bit apprehensive about how I would feel caring for a little girl.  It turned out exactly how I hoped.  Instead of pain, it was therapeutic.

She is the best baby.  Happy most all of the time.  Just a joy to have around for all of us.

And for all of you adoptive parents who read this, you'll love this one...

BF and I had a date night planned for Saturday night prior to me committing to watching the Princess.  We decided to go ahead and bring her along with us since we were just going out to dinner.  We knew that our dinner would be a little late because we were going to meet up with my 18 year old son to take pictures before he headed off to his senior prom.

We took the obligatory pictures (I will post them tomorrow.).  The teenagers were quickly fed up with all of us parents snapping hundreds of photos.  I believe it is our parental right. And my son knew he had to bear it, because I would insist. :)

After pictures, BF and I had trouble finding a restaurant that wasn't packed with prom dates.  We were finally able to get in at Outback.  I'm sure we were quite the sight, two almost 40 year olds acting like we had never carried a baby in a carrier before in our lives.  Let's just say we were a bit rusty.  It has been a day or two since our kids were that little (more like a DECADE).

People would come by as we sat in the waiting area and ooh and ahh over the baby as she slept.  We didn't say anything about her not being ours.  We just agreed that she is beautiful. (Photo to prove it. Don't mind the bow that slipped down her forehead, I didn't want to wake her by fixing it while she slept.  I did fix it later.) 

So we finally get seated and our over-exuberant waitress comes by.  She looks at the baby and says "How precious! Is she your first?  She sure looks just like you!"

I giggled, looked at BF then replied. "Actually she would be our 6th child, if she was ours.  But we are just babysitting."

I thought that was pretty funny.  Princess looks nothing like us. Not even remotely.  I still smile when I think about it.  Maybe that is just a waitress line to get better tips.  Whatever it was, it did make us laugh.

So we enjoyed our dinner and we were thoroughly entertained by the Princess.  It was very nice to have her along with us.  We took turns talking and playing with her.  We were just like first time parents.  I am sure we were pretty darn cute.

But that is one of the happy/sad things that I felt this weekend. 

BF absolutely doted on that little girl.  He held her, fed her, and let her sleep in the crook of his arm.  He tickled her face when she was awake and offered many times to take her from me so I could get ready, or eat, or whatever other thing I had to do next.

That was really hard to watch.  Knowing that he and I had a little girl together that we could have been doing all of those same things with.  If he were a deadbeat, this never would have been an issue.  But he is a terrific father. 

Watching him with Princess hurt my heart.  I loved watching him gush over her and be so attentive.  But that little voice in the back of my mind that makes me second guess my adoption decision kept saying "see what it COULD have been like".

It also hurt to remember that BF absolutely, without a doubt, did not want to parent another child when I told him I was pregnant.  In his mind, there was no viable scenario that included keeping our child. 

He didn't want me to parent a child alone, but he also had no intentions of committing to me.  He was done with kids.  No negotiation.  He didn't want the responsibility of another child. 

He also didn't want me to keep her because he felt like he would be obligated for a child he didn't plan for. 

Now in my rational mind, I know that alot of the things said during this time were during a period of shock for both of us.  Neither of us had any idea that we were capable of having more children, so an unexpected pregnancy was unbelievable.  Stress and shock do not create the most thoughtful comments or actions.

But that same man, who couldn't even fathom parenting another child, loved all over Princess.  I felt a deep sense of loss watching it.  It was almost like seeing in a crystal ball what "could have been" had I made a different choice.

Hindsight. Regret. And unrealistic expectations of the "what could have beens."

Truth be told, had I kept Brit, it probably would not have ended well for BF and me.  The stress of parenting a child from two separate households would have taken a toll on our relationship.

I probably would have been resentful, thinking it wasn't fair that BF wasn't helping enough. 

He would have been resentful that I made him parent a child that he did not plan for and that he had no control over whether I kept or not.  (The age old issue of a woman having all the 'rights' to maintain a pregnancy or keep a child.  No matter what the father wants.)

I am smart enough to know that keeping a baby for a weekend is nothing like parenting day in and day out.  When Princess went home with her momma this evening, I knew I had the rest of the night to myself.  My boys are big enough that I can have alone time without having to be a hands on parent.  I can even go potty alone!

If I would have parented Brit, I would have been exhausted all the time.  My temper short.  My stress level even higher than it is today.  Brit would have definitely not gotten the best of me.  She would have gotten what was left over from a working single mother.  She would have spent lots of nights out late at ball games.  Many hours in daycare.

Instead, Brit has a stay at home mom (Not that I think working moms can't be great moms.  I'm one and happy with it most days.)  She has never spent a single day in daycare.  Her daddy comes home every evening and loves all over her.  The world revolves around her (until her twin brother and sister are born!).  If you could paint an ideal babyhood, she has had it. (Knowing that she has no idea she is adopted yet.)

I am glad I didn't know how painful being a birthmother would be before I chose adoption for Brit.  If I had, I would not have made the decision I did.  That doesn't mean that the decision was wrong.  I think it is just human nature to make the choice that hurts the least.  And being exhausted some days would beat a lifetime of grief any day.

So I remind myself that those icky feelings of regret are no different than ones everyone has when we second guess ourselves and our decisions. 

Should I have married the man I did? 
What if I would have taken that other job instead?
Did we make a mistake moving? 

We all have these kinds of questions.  The difference is how we deal with them.

If I let it, it could consume me.  And boy, oh boy, do those feelings try to consume me.

I have to consciously decide that I cannot change the decisions I have made.  I am the sum of my experiences.  We all make decisions based on the best information we have available at the time.  Hindsight is always much more clear.  But looking back keeps me from looking forward.

Brit is happy.  I did what I thought was best at the time when I had to decide.

I never could get the picture when she was smiling.  Go figure!

So I will love on the little Princess I have with me on the weekends and I will be a blessing to her mother by caring for her child while she works.  Hopefully I can alleviate some of Sara's stress by caring for her daughter.  I will do my part to be part of the village that it can take to raise a child.  In return, loving Princess will soothe my soul.

I will not be jealous of Sara because she has her daughter and I do not.  I will rejoice that Sara has her daughter with her so she does not have to feel the loss of a birthmother. 

I will rejoice in watching BF love on her too. 

I will focus on what IS, not what I think I could have had.

I will know that I made a decision for the best for my child.  I will not regret choosing what I thought was best for her, not what was best for me.

I will remember that just because I don't have the relationship I wish I had with Brit right now, it may not be like that forever.  Time heals. My love for Brit will not wane.  I will be steadfast and always available for her.

I will love on the sweet Princess who God has placed in my life for reasons I may not ever fully understand.  There is a reason our lives have intertwined.

I will be fully present to the boys I do parent. I will not allow my grief to affect their joy.  I will be the parent to them that they deserve.

And I will seek God's will for my life, rather than trying to figure it out on my own.

Coincidence - I think not

Brit was born in March.  In June, my sister got married in Chicago.  I was a bridesmaid so I had to go.  Whether I felt like it or not.  Because my family was not particularly supportive of my adoption decision, I knew I would have to keep my game face on the whole time.  The face that said how happy I was for Brit's parents.  How glad I was that she was placed with a loving couple and how I was perfectly OK with all of it.

Needless to say, I wasn't.  I was still very damaged.  Brit wasn't even 3 months old yet.  My hormones were a mess.  I was traveling, by car, from Kansas to Chicago with my 5 children - all alone.  Oh yeah, and my daughter who was traveling with me was also pregnant.

The trip was hell.  The boys fought.  My daughter cried.  I cried.  I celebrated my "one year anniversary" of being with my BF all by myself in another state and he didn't even remember. I had invited him to go on the trip with me, nearly begging him to go, but he decided he had too many work obligations to go with me.  (Insert resentment and hurt.) 

One a singular positive note, I did get a marriage proposal from a random stranger at a McDonalds the day of my "anniversary".  Very fitting.  He was smokin' hot.  An actor and model.  We are still in touch. My kids thought I was a fool for not pursuing it any further. lol.

But back to the story.  I was an emotional disaster case.  I was very lonely.  My heart was broken.  And I had to keep it all together and be the grown up while traveling with 5 kids.  I would say that it was a recipe for disaster.

So on the day of the return trip home, I was driving and doing alot of thinking.  My phone rang and I answered when I saw it was my pastor's wife.

She wanted to tell me about a woman from our church who she had met with.  Like me, this woman was 30something and unexpectedly pregnant.

She had two teenage sons and an ex-husband who she still lived with who was trying to decide if he wanted to stay with his family, or move back to California where his girlfriend and his child lived. (The story is sordid, but he had a child with another woman while married to the woman who I am speaking about.)

My pastor's wife wondered if I would connect with this woman because she was considering abortion and then began considering adoption.  My pastor's wife thought I might be able to share some insight with her about adoption and if nothing else I could encourage her through this very tough time.

Me.  A complete disaster.  A sobbing mess.  A mother missing a child that I had placed just 3 months prior.

I told my pastor's wife that I would pray about it.  Of course, I knew it wasn't coincidence.  But I wasn't ready.  My heart was bleeding from the pain of my own loss.  How could God be doing this to me?!?

Needless to say, I called this woman after I got home from the trip.  We met and talked. And cried.  And cried.

She was in a terrible relationship with a man who did not value her.  He couldn't even decide if he wanted to be with her and their children, or head off to be with his girlfriend and his 2 year old son.

So my new friend, Sara (alias of course), was trying to figure out what to do.  They were/are very poor.  She was supporting her family by working at Applebee's as a waitress.  She could hardly support the children she had, let alone another baby.

I told her my story.  I shared all the reasons I had placed Brit.  It was very interesting to hear myself saying such positive things about adoption when I am pretty sure I was second guessing my own decision.

Sara and I established a friendship.  I went with her when we met with a prospective adoptive couple. I even went to lunch with all three of them after the meeting with the attorney.  Sara chose them to parent her child.

I shared my adoption story with this couple and I found a true gift in the insight that this adoptive mother could share with me.  Once again, I know it was no coincidence.  God knew what I needed right then.  And Heather was such a support to me.  She was the mother of an open adoption and she gave me hope when I had little.  Another story for another day.

I supported Sara as her pregnancy progressed.  She loved the adoptive parents.  They were so good to her.  They are great people and it was very apparent from how they treated Sara and her children during this time.

But Sara started to have second thoughts.  They found out the baby was a girl.  Her ex-husband started warming up to the idea of sticking around and having a daughter.  Sara was feeling the tug of motherhood again.

Sara chose to parent her daughter.  She contacted her attorney and the attorney told the adoptive couple. (My heart BROKE for them.)  But I understood completely why she would change her mind.  And I suppose it was better before the birth than at the hospital.

**Note - For those of you who have experienced disrupted adoptions, my heart hurts for you.  I know what it is like to long for the child I do not have a relationship with, so I can only imagine what it must feel like to love a child in your heart and not bring that child home with you.  I feel the same kind of pain.  I am so sorry each time I read your stories of loss.

Sara had the baby in December and you can see from this picture how it affected her.  She was in love.

Sara still struggles.  Their financial situation has not changed.  Her ex-husband did stay.  I don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

I have not had much interaction with Sara in the last few months because I have been so busy and she has been too.

But Sara called this week and was desperate for someone to watch her precious baby girl when she worked this weekend.  Since I don't work weekends, I was glad to help her out.

I can't wait for some baby time.  I will have this little princess from 8am-10pm on Saturday (Sara has been asked to pull a double shift waitressing. Poor momma.) and 6am - 3pm on Sunday.

I will have to load her up in a car seat.  Take her with me to prom pictures with J and his date.  Out to dinner on Saturday night when I have a date with BF.  It will be just like I was parenting a baby girl.

Sara has even asked if I would consider doing this regularly when she works weekends.  Of course I said yes.

I look at her situation.  They struggle financially. The father is not exactly a model daddy.  She has no family support because she is from California.

Yet she chose to parent her child.  In spite of the less than perfect circumstances.

I have a good paying, career job.  A network of family support.  And while I would not describe my relationship with BF as perfect, it is certainly not toxic.  He is a good man and would have been nothing but a positive influence in Brit's life. (Although he absolutely did not want to have another child. Again, another story for another day.)

But I chose not to parent my child.  I chose different parents for her so she could have a married mommy and daddy.

I listen to Sara say "I just can't imagine not having this sweet little girl with me."

It hurts my heart.  She doesn't mean it to hurt me.  She is simply speaking from her own heart and acknowledging the love she has for her daughter.

Why do you suppose God has placed this woman and this child in my life?

I know I am being 'refined by fire' as the Bible verse says.

Sometimes I wonder how much pain, loss and regret I can endure.

But I suppose this story has a happy ending.  I get baby time with this sweet little girl.  I get to help a momma support her child who she chose life for.

Maybe God is providing this opportunity to me to help with the void that is empty in my heart.  It will not replace the place that was made for Brit (which I fully expect to start filling when we do have a relationship someday).  And it won't take away the loss I feel. But maybe it will soothe some of the pain knowing that I can provide love for this child, right here and right now, when I cannot do the same for the child I had.

I don't know why things have turned out like they have.

But I do know this.  God wants only the best for me.  And I do not believe any of these things have happened by coincidence.  What may be my pain, could be someone else's joy. 

So I will snuggle Princess this weekend.  And I will thank God for the fact that He provides for me, even when I don't know what is best for me.