Closing that chapter, and turning the page

BF and I had a conversation the other night.  Most of it was about our relationship and where it is and where it is going.

Without airing our laundry, the ultimate result was that we agreed that friendship was where our relationship will stand for the future.

It was freeing for me.  I have hung on to a glimmer of hope for nearly two and a half years.  Hope is gone.  I am free to move on.

While we haven't been a couple for some time now, we do everything together and we are best of friends.  Which complicates the emotions for a girl.  I never really disconnected, because I didn't have to.

But I am ready to move on with my life now.  So I had to be clear.  I wanted to say the words and hear him say them back to me.  No lingering questions.  Relationship defined.

So now I can move on without guilt or the slight thought that maybe some day it will be different.

What brought all of this to a head was that I have a suitor who has been standing at the sidelines. He has been a friend to me, but I could tell he wished he could have a chance to be more than a friend.

There was no way that I was going to even consider embarking on any type of relationship with someone else until I was certain my heart was ready to move on.  Especially not him.  He is ready to be emotionally available to someone.  He has been clear that he hoped it would be me.  It would not have been fair to be guarded with my heart because part of it still belonged to BF.

The conversation with BF and me made me certain that I am ready.  I shed no tears (until we talked about Brit, which will be another post).  I was matter of fact, and although I am a little ashamed to admit it, I was relieved that life long friendship was his answer. 

Because I am ready for more.  Ready for someone who is excited about being with me.  Someone who wants to be more than just a good friend.

So, when the new suitor asked me when we might be able to get together, my answer was how about tomorrow.  His response, I can't wait!  (He is excited to spend time with me, what a novel idea!)

Flowers he sent me last week when I was sick.

We have had our first date, strangely enough we were joined by my 18 year old son.  And all three of us had a blast.

I feel joy in my heart.  And I think I like it.

LisaAnne, happy.

PS - He knows about Brit.  He gets it.  He has a first mother and foster parents.  What a blessing.

God answered my prayers - just not with MY answer

So the previous cryptic post was in response to the end of my relationship with Brit's BF. 

BF and I have always gotten along beautifully, mostly because he never, ever entertains any confrontation.  He won't even playfully argue with me. 

Needless to say, we never fight.

But I have always felt that he doesn't treat me as if I am that "special person" in his life.  He would forget to call me.  He makes plans without including me.  Just things that hurt my feelings.

So a couple of times in the last two years this has come to a head with me and I have confronted him about it.

What it has boiled down to, after all he and I have been through, and the time we have spent together, I want to know that he is planning on a future together with me.

The answer he has always given me is that he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else, but he isn't ready for that level of commitment yet.

I have gone along with this for some time now.  I just prayed that God would soften his heart and take away the obvious pain he has from his previous marriage and subsequent divorce.

But this week we had a little incident where our kids wanted to play together and rather than talk to me on the phone about it, he spoke only to his children.  It hurt my feelings because it made me feel like I am not valued enough by him that he would call me and let me be the parent on hand (I was standing there with his kids and mine - he was at work).  But instead, he just spoke to his own children who in turn relayed information to me.

So an hour or so later, he sent me an email at work stating that he did that because he wants to teach his children responsibility and he felt like it was an issue between him and his kids about sticking to a plan.

I replied to him that it hurt my feelings because I felt like he didn't value me being a part of his children's lives enough that he would allow me to work out a simple play date between our children.  I also mentioned that this simple communication issue drug up feelings of insecurity about our relationship that lay just below the surface for me.

In a nut shell, his email response back to me was that he is perfectly OK with our relationship as it stands today.  He likes the dating relationship we have.  And he has given it much thought lately and he believes he will not be ready for a more committed relationship until his youngest son is in high school. (Note: That is 7 years from now.)  He ended it with he wasn't sure where that would leave us until then.

He and I have been together for 2 years.  Had a child together.  We are both almost 40 years old.  We have seen each other at our worst (the stress of an unplanned pregnancy and subsequent adoption).

Our children seem to get along very well.  They beg to play with each other.  They share similar interests and mutual friends.

I have given all I can give.  I have loved him with my entire being.  Even when I was walking around with a wounded heart.

And his response to me is - 'maybe I will be ready to consider life with you 7 years from now'.

So I typed a quick response to his email and let him know that was all I needed to hear.  I would swing by his house, pick up the few clothes I have there and leave his house key on the counter.

I told him I appreciated his honesty.

I received no reply.  No email.  No phone call.  Nothing.  And that was Wednesday.

I cried that day.  ALOT.

I am a smart girl.  I have known in my heart that he wasn't right for me.  I have listened to everyone around me tell me he is not right for me and that I deserve so much more than he is willing to give.  I have been called a fool for hanging on.  His best friend's girlfriend told me months ago that I need to move on and find someone who can be more attentive.

BF is not capable of showing me the love, affection and attention that I would desire from a spouse.  But I wanted so badly to make us work.  I was willing to settle for feeling neglected sometimes because I love him.  And he is a really nice guy.  Not a single person would argue that.  Even those who told me I should move on, agreed that he is a nice guy.

But the more I thought about what had just transpired that day, I realized God had His hand in that email from BF.  When I read those words, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind about what needed to happen next.  Casually dating someone for 11 years is not acceptable to me.

I should be special enough to you that you can't imagine life without me.

If you are thinking about how you just want to wait 7 more years to get your kids through high school, then you are imagining life without me - and apparently you are OK with that.

I had a really good day on Thursday.  I kept focusing on Jeremiah 29:11 and the plans that God has in store for me.

That night, when I went to bed, I found myself offering prayers of thanksgiving for God showing me so clearly what needed to happen.  In the past I prayed for BF's heart to change.  But no more. 

I now have a heart of anticipation for what is next for me.  God has something in store.  I know He does.

I know that every day won't be great.  But I am glad that at least I can look forward with hope.  And that God has given me a peace in my heart to finally let go of what I have been clinging to for so long.

So now I plan to get out of the way and see what God wants for me.

Yes, I know that is what I should have been doing all along, but we control freaks have a hard time with that.

Thank you all for your prayers, kind thoughts and words.  It has been so comforting.

I will close with my favorite two quotes from the same dear friend this week.  He is like a father figure to me (he is older than my own father).  He was recently married to the love of his life.  It only took him 4 failed attempts to find her!

The first thing he said to me when I told him what had happened was,

"His loss Lisa.  He wasn't prepared for the magnificence that is you"

Then he followed up with me the next day to see if I was doing OK.  After a quick conversation he said,

"It's unbelievable to be with someone who cherishes you.  Don't settle for anything else." 

The bottles

The Princess - all smiles

I unloaded the dishwasher last night and saw that I had two bottles in there.  It immediately put a smile on my face.  Only two more days until another weekend with the Princess baby.



Baby B eating his first birthday cake

And I get a super added bonus, I get to keep my nephew B overnight Friday night while his parents celebrate their anniversary.  It will be his first time away from them all night.  I feel so lucky.  I love that baby boy so much.  I seriously can hardly wait.



Such a happy little guy!

I sure love feeling joy like this.  Thank you God for bringing me two beautiful distractions that let me share my love with them.





There will come a day

I had a counseling appointment yesterday.  There is hardly enough time to unload all that I carry in an hour long session.

Ultimately, the words of wisdom that she shared with me were,

"Grief takes as long as it takes.  There will come a day that this will not hurt as badly as it does today."

I know.  So I will live through today and wait for someday. 

I just need to make sure I don't miss the joy that does exist here and now.  Because I have learned that someday could be a long time waiting.  And life is happening right now.

Joy for today:

• 3 healthy sons
• a surprise Easter basket for me and the boys left at my house by a friend
• school zoo trip tomorrow with L
• dinner tomorrow night with a friend and his kids
• it's pay day
• a friend from church who just ended her phone conversation with me by saying "you're awesome!"

1 Peter 1:6-7 (New Living Translation)
So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. 

These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold.

So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.

It's Friday!

I don't like pulling up my blog and seeing the ugly words from the last post, so I am on a mission to move them down the list and start filling my blog with a few more happy thoughts.

So here is mine for this morning.  I work at a recreation center and today we are hosting a Special Olympics basketball tournament.

There is no greater joy than watching these teams play.  OK, maybe a little mommy joy too, my oldest son J is volunteering as an official - and he LOVES it!  He got up early this morning and it was the first thing he talked about and he was out the door in record time so he could make sure he wasn't late.  **love that**

Everyone should get to come to work and see this level of joy first thing in the morning.  I think the roof on this building might just blow off from all of the excitement from the players. 

I want to live with that kind of joy.  Today is the best day ever for every one of them.  Until tomorrow, when that could be the best day ever too. :)

Maybe I'll get some pictures later to share.