Adoption has taught me... To be a gracious gift recipient

Remember this post where I painstakingly told of the gifts we had been collecting for Brit? In the same post I shared that the gifts had been picked up by her father and we were just relishing the idea that she had them and was enjoying them.

Well, we never did hear back from her parents telling us that they got them. Not a word. The only way I knew that they must have them was because the gifts were not in the hallway when I returned to work on Monday.

I guess we have grown accustomed to this. Our gifts are only acknowledged in the monthly email we get each 25th. So if we send a gift right after we have just received our monthly email, then it will be a full month before we hear if they received anything we mailed, if we hear anything about it at all. Most times it is never mentioned.

This time I was so hopeful that maybe when we got our monthly email, they would share with us that Brit or her brother or sister liked the XXX or that they really appreciated the thought.

The good news is that in the monthly email Brit's dad did say "Thanks for the gifts". The sad part is, that was all he said.

I know it is petty of me to be disappointed. But the truth is, I hang on their every single word. I wait and pine for any words they send.  And those gifts were such a labor of love for me.  I was so excited about the kids getting them.  I wanted to hear that they were received in the same spirit.  (insert disappointment)

When I was choosing those gifts I put so much time and thought into choosing just the right thing. I would sit down at night and look over all the gifts we had collected up to that point. I would consider what else we could add without going overboard. When I came across something that I thought would be perfect for the care package, I would get so excited. I would rush in the door and immediately show BF and he and I would talk about how we thought it was just right. Each gift, no matter how small, was an investment in love.

I would love to see a picture of the kids with the gifts.  Any of them.  Never once have we gotten a picture of Brit wearing an outfit we have sent. They don't make a point of including photos of Brit with any of our gifts. I do recall one time when they did acknowledge a care package we sent and they made mention of how she played with one of the toys. It made us so happy.

However, never do they mention the personal gifts. The photo books we have sent from her visit with us. Or this time, the books with her photo as the main character. The things I spend the most time creating and contemplating get the least mention.

So here is what I am going to take from this.

I need to be a considerate gift recipient.

I hope I never neglect to acknowledge someone's heartfelt gift, no matter how small or insignificant it might seem.

And I will make sure I have my children do the same. I want them to be amazing adults and being appreciative people is so important. I would like to think that we practice this already, but I will definitely make it a conscious choice to be deliberate and purposeful and above all else grateful.

If you are someone from the adoption triad who receives gifts from another family member, please make the effort to acknowledge the time and effort put in the gift, no matter how small. Take a picture. Tell how it made you or your child feel. Make it personal. And do it when you receive it, because you just never know if the giver is sitting on pins and needles hoping the gift brought you joy.

The others

I am now 5 days post visit and today for the first time I feel like I am a functioning part of society.  I have not cried yet today.  (There is still time.)

First of all, the visit was perfect.  Brit was amazing.  Her parents were kind and seemed at ease.  They encouraged Brit to interact with us, and they stayed out of the way so we could have as much interaction with her as possible.  That was so nice.

When I think about the visit, it truly was a great time.

Here is what clouds what should be post-visit euphoria.  I have no idea when we will be granted another opportunity like it.  The couple of hours we were given with Brit may be the only we get for a year (if they continue to make this a 'birthday visit' like it appears their historical visit offerings have been).

It is so hard to understand.  The time we spend together was great.  Casual, nice and comfortable.

If you were to have been a fly on the wall you would have thought we are all good friends just hanging out for the day.

On Monday, BF and I sent an email thanking them for the visit and attached some of the pictures.  And the response to the email... silence.

Not a single word.

I just don't understand.

We are left to guess.  As a family we talk about how nice the visit was.  The kids agreed.  And followed it up with "too bad we don't get to see her more than just once".

We live in a world of mystery on our end.  We have asked to discuss our adoption relationship with them, with the same response.  Nothing.

I cannot press the issue.  I have to be the respectful and grateful birth mother.  I am to appreciate what we are given.  Not push for more.

"Don't rock the boat so that they pull back completely."

If this was a true 'relationship' I think a counselor would mention that it is unhealthy how we do not discuss the big elephant standing in the middle of the room.

We all love the same child.

However, one family holds all the power of allowing another family access to a relationship with this child.  And they can yield this power however they see fit.  No explanations required.  No common courtesy necessary.

The 'others' just get what they get.

I wish I wasn't one of the 'others'.