Just seeing her brought a flood of emotions so strong that it took my breath away. My heart started pounding and I knew I was about to pass out.
Thankfully I made it to the couch and sat with my head nearly touching the floor between my knees. I just blacked out for a minute, but the heart pounding lasted for a while.
D handled it very well. He knows. He watched the tears fall like a river and he was very compassionate.
Then I had another episode in the middle of the night last night. It was just as bad as the daytime one (couldn't breathe, heart pounding) but fortunately I was already laying down. I cannot believe it woke me from a complete sleep. Apparently the grief goes to my core.
Interestingly enough, I checked into blog world this morning and read this post by another birthmother.
It seems this feeling is universal.
I can only imagine what work will be like today. I suppose I will just make sure I am near a chair, and a box of tissues.
I will be calling my doctor. It appears it will be back on the anti-anxiety meds again. Just great.
I love that my doctor and my OB both cry with me when we talk about this adoption situation. They are amazingly compassionate and so very understanding.
So for now, I will self medicate with Diet Coke. (Yes, I know caffeine is not a friend of anxiety, but this girl has a vice that is hard to kick, the the soothing bubbles do calm my psyche.)
