Dear Brit

My sweet girl,

It has been so long since I have taken the time to sit down and write you.  Please know it is no indication of how often I think of you.  It is just a matter of sitting down long enough to actually type you a letter.

Today I decided to do a quick update to you using pictures I've taken over the last two months.  So here it goes!

In my last letter to you I told you that I have started dating a new man.  Things are going really well.  Actually, things are absolutely perfect.  He is so good to me and the boys.  He treats me like I am the most special person he knows.  I can't wait for you to meet him.  He will LOVE you.  He has two daughters of his own and he loves them like crazy.  I am sure he will want to spoil you just as much.

I introduced my new special man and his girls to a great store in our city.  It is filled with candy you could only imagine.  Lots of your favorite - CHOCOLATE!

 This summer I had two college baseball players living at my house.  They played for a local summer team in our town and the boys loved watching them play and having them around.  When the baseball season was over, there is a World Series and one of the players was recruited to a team that played in the tournament.  The boys, the new man and one of his girls came to several of the games with me and we watched Jason play.

The boys and I snapped a picture with Jason right before he left to go back to college.

I volunteered as an usher at several of the World Series games.  It was SO HOT!

D was the bat boy for a few of the World Series games.  He got to meet some great players.

The summer finally came to an end and the boys went back to school.  D is a 7th grader and loving the middle school.  LanMan is a freshman and seems to be doing just fine in the big high school.  If they would have let me take their picture on the first day of school, I would have shared it with you here.  But what you will realize with your little brothers at your house, boys don't love pictures being taken, especially when they are super cool and with their friends.

So in August my special new man turned 40 and we had a party for him.  It was a nice night out and his oldest daughter was even able to join us.

This is my favorite picture of the night.  I love how he loves his girls.

A couple of weekends later, I took a trip with my sisters and my mom to celebrate my mom's 60th birthday.  We took my mom to Branson and had a great time.  Someday I hope you will be one of the "girls" that joins us when we take a girls trip!

A picture of all of us together before the Dixieland Stampeded show

While I was in Branson I got you a couple of small gifts.  My sisters laughed when I got you the little kitten.  It was creepy how life like it looked.  They all thought I was crazy for getting it for you, but I liked how it does look real so I thought maybe you could carry it around like it was your pet.  I don't know if you liked it or thought it was creepy, but either way, know that I bought it becuase I thought of you the entire time I was on my trip.  I also got you the little bag of polished rocks because that has been the thing you like best the few times you have visited with us.  Every year we spend time playing in the rock pile in BF's backyard.  Maybe the polished rocks will be special to you.  I can't wait until you are old enough to let us know when you get our packages and let us know if you like the gifts.  Right now we just have to guess. 



I hope you thought sleeping kitty was cute, but if you didn't at least you got the rocks!



I also sent gifts for your brothers and sister.  Wanted to make sure everyone got something.

Once I got back home from the trip, I spent a few days taking care of my friend's chicken.  Yes, I said chicken.  My friend is keeping a chicken in her backyard as a pet.  It makes us all laugh.  She went on vacation for a week so the boys and I would go over and collect the eggs and feed the chicken.  By the end of the week, D wanted to know if he could get a chicken of his own for our backyard. 

Then, the newest news is that the boys and I finally talked the new special man into letting us get a dog!  Our neighbor was fostering a rescue dog that lost its family in a tornado in Oklahoma.  As soon as we met sweet Ella, we were in love.

This is the picture we sent to my special man asking him if we could bring her home with us.

He finally said yes, and now Ella is a new member of our family.  She really likes me, and spends lots of her time at my side.  LanMan took this picture just yesterday as she was laying on my legs.

You know what my favorite part of this picture is?  It is the book in the background.  I'm not sure if your parents have shared the book with you, but you have one just like it too.  It is a picture book from your last visit with BF and me.  My new special man has it displayed right next to the bed so it is the first thing I see every morning when I wake up and the last thing I see when I lay down to sleep each night.  It makes me smile to see your precious face so many times a day.

I suppose that is enough for tonight.

Know that I miss you every single day and I cannot wait until the day that you and I can just pick up the phone and call each other, or even better yet, spend time just sitting on the couch talking.  I keep telling myself every day that passes is just one day closer to that day!

I love you to the moon and back!

My new man

For those who have asked, the new man in my life is actually an old friend.  He and I dated very briefly before I started dating BF, and after BF and I established a relationship, my man and I just became really great friends.

He has been there for me during the pregnancy, the adoption plan and the subsequent placement.  Then he has listened to me cry for years and he has remained my friend despite my high maintenance periods where I was a sobbing mess for weeks at a time.

He is so good to me.  I cannot describe what it is like to have someone who is so responsive to my needs.  We talk about EVERYTHING.  He showers me with attention and affection and quite honestly it has taken some getting used to.  It doesn't seem real, but as time goes on, I realize this is what I had wanted all these years and it really is good.

So to put a face to the new character in my story, here is a photo we took last week at a concert.

Look at how he holds me.  I love it. :)

The pictures on the wall

After BF and I ended our romantic relationship a few months ago, I had to revisit his house several times to pick up things I had left behind.

The last trip I made to his house was very difficult for me.  He has redone his house to remove the evidence of us ever living there.

To make his house more homey, he has added lots of pictures on the walls. (Which he never did while we were there living there.  There were no photos of the boys and I on any of his walls. Even after 4 years of relationship.)

I almost couldn't make it through the house.  Every picture frame has pictures of his boys and Brit, as if they are all one big happy family.

First, I want to say how glad I am that he has done that.  In the beginning he wouldn't even put Brit's picture out in our living areas.  At my house, I had photos of all of my kids adorning the walls, including Brit.  She had her spot right next to each of the boys, as an equal in the kinship of our family.  At his house, she was only evident in BF's bedroom until I finally got him to put a photo of her on the end table in the living room when I moved in.

Now, her precious countenance adorns the walls in BF's living room, hallway and probably rooms I have not visited since I left.

I am glad he now embraces the idea that this is his daughter too.

But imagine the bittersweet that is for me.  If he would have embraced that relationship to this little girl 4 years ago, we would be parenting her.

It has been very hard for me not to dwell on that.

Actually, I have to stop myself for letting my thoughts go down that path.  I remind myself that I could have spoken up louder and insisted we raise her, despite what we thought were setbacks that she didn't deserve.

These are the things I wish someone would have told me.  Why doesn't the adoption world share more about grief, loss, regret, and a lifetime of being changed?

The pictures on the wall serve as a reminder.  No matter how many smiles are in the photos, the haunting loss still holds the photo to the wall.

Can you see my heart smiling?

Dear Brit

I haven’t been able to bring myself to writing to you for such a long time.  I have been so sad, hurt and crushed.  Followed by healing and pressing forward with a new beginning.

During all of those phases, you were never more than a moment’s thought away.  Often you were the forefront of my thoughts.

You see BF and I are no longer a couple.  I so desperately wanted to hang onto him because he is my real life connection to you.  But that is not enough.  We don’t actually have you.  And now, I don’t have him either.

But there are lots of times I think of you now.  You would be amazed the space you keep in my heart and in my mind.

When I see my hair curl, I think of you.

When I wear the shirt I wore in the hospital after you were born, I think of you.

When I see a blonde headed toddler with amazing curls running around at your brother’s baseball game, I think of you.

When I drive by the farmer’s market where I once accidentally ran into you and your grandparents, I think of you.

When I lay in bed at night, I think of you.

When someone asks me how many children I have, I think of you.

When any holiday comes, I think of you and wish you were with us.

When I see the boys play with the Little Princess that we watch, I think of you.

When I see toys in the store that I know you like, I think of you.

When I shop online, I choose things for you. (Things I don’t actually purchase, but I wish I could.)

Even when I am sleeping, I think of you.

Dear Brit, know that every single day of my life I will think about you, love you from a distance and my heart will continue to long for a relationship with you that we have been denied up to this point.

Just this weekend the new man in my life said to me that he had never told me this before, but he sure wished that you were his daughter because he would have never let you go.  He has been a long time friend of mine who I dated briefly before I met BF.   After we stopped seeing each other, we became close friends.

I remember how he questioned me several times when I was pregnant with you and asked if I thought I could really do this, and I assured him it would all be ok.  I just didn’t know.  I had no idea what I was doing to you.  I had no idea how it would impact every single one of us for the rest of our lives.  I was just so ignorant.  And deceived by a society that insists that adoption is nothing but love and happy endings for children.

I will always be so sorry for the choice I made.

Brit, I love you to the moon and back.  And someday I hope you know that first hand.

But until then, I will just let the tears flow and know that each tear I shed only represents a minute drop of the pain I feel inside for letting you go.

I love you so very much.  And some day dear Brit, you will know it.

Where to start?

Yes, I have been MIA on this blog.

It has become a strange place for me, because I don't know what to share here and what to put on the private blog.  But to be honest not much has gone on the private blog either.

So here are some of the reasons I have not taken the time to post.

The boys play competitive baseball which has us traveling almost every weekend.  During the week we have practices and league games so we are chronically tired.

We actually got a visit with Brit in April.  It was a magical 3 hours and we have tons of pictures, that I wish I could share, but we have been explicitly requested not to ever share photos of "their daughter".  So they are private.  But let me tell you this, that little girl is amazing.  So kind and tenderhearted.  We just loved her even more after spending time with her.  Like the time before, they came to our house and just brought Brit.  They left their other 3 little ones at home with relatives.

During spring and early summer I was also planning a wedding for June 7th. BF and I had set that date and were going to have a small gathering and a party at our house after the event.  This was hinging upon our new in-ground pool construction that is going on in the backyard.  The pool construction has constantly been pushed back because of rain.  So it was not ready in time for the June 7th date for a party (at that point we just had a huge hole in the backyard).

But, BF and I were also having some intense private conversations over the past few months.  Mostly revolving around communication and my need for emotional intimacy.  Ultimately it ended us in a counselor's office and the results of that counseling was that we determined it was best if we part ways.

So, instead of having a wedding on June 7th, I was fully moved into my own house with my boys.  We left with nothing but our beds and our clothes because when I moved in with BF a year ago, I gave away everything I owned because it was all a duplicate.

BF was amazing about helping us get established in the new house.  He moved me, did some maintenance and provided some homeowner essentials he knew I wouldn't have like a mower, grill, weed eater and all kinds of miscellany.

My friends are who really carried the ball with getting us set up in our home.  In the period of two weeks, I went from no furniture or kitchen items, to a fully furnished home.  It was unreal how everyone rallied around me and has provided at my time of great need.

The boys are doing pretty well. LanMan still struggles with betrayal.  He was very hurt that we created a family, he allowed his heart to think we were a family, and the rug got pulled out from under him.  He misses his 'brother' and it bothers him greatly when BF comes over to our house to work on things because he feels like if BF wasn't committed to marriage, then he needs to just let us move on.

I have a dear male friend who has been a friend for a while, including during my pregnancy and subsequent adoption crisis.  This friend has listened to me cry for years.  He has been my sounding board for my relationship with BF and he has picked me up off the floor more than once as I weep about the loss of Brit.  So since the breakup with BF, this friend has been around, helping with my boys and just generally supporting us.  I have watched LanMan's apprehension of the situation and he finally told me one day that he really likes this friend of mine, but he doesn't want to trust his heart to let him into our lives because it is too hard when someone walks out.

I have assured him that this man and I have been friends through the toughest of times and have plowed through anyway, so he is safe to like.  But just LanMan's words made me realize how damaged he is by the relationship breakup.

My other two boys are completely unfazed by the loss of BF and family.  They never really connected anyway, so they have just moved on to the next thing.

Since we moved into the new house, we have had two more 20 year old college students join us.  They are baseball players who play for a local summer team and we are their host family.  The boys love having them around, but it sure makes for lots of late nights.  Not only do I have a 20 year old son of my own living with me, but the other two college boys often bring friends over and they stay up way too late.  Good thing I really like them. :)

My youngest boy moved into my sister's house for the summer.  He wanted some aunt and cousins time, so we are giving it to him. We still go to his games and he will be with me again this weekend, but he is enjoying the autonomy of being with his aunt (she only lives 15 minutes away).  It has been good for all of us to have him away for a while.  I hope when he returns we can all resume a normal and healthy relationship.  Right now his brothers are pretty angry with him for being so hateful when he is around, and honestly it has been hard for me too.  The week he moved out, he broke out a window in my new basement by throwing a pack of gum at his brother's head.  That was interesting.

To add insult to injury, two days after the window incident, a pipe broke and flooded through the ceiling of my house, followed by two hours later having the sewer back up.  I was swimming in water for about 6 hours.  It all got fixed, but it was a fiasco.

Then the final blow came when we received a short email from Brit's father telling us they were going to be moving about 3 hours away.  It came at a time when I was reeling from the loss of my relationship with BF, transitioning to the new house, and trying to make it through the crazy summer schedule, while still trying to work full time.

There were many things about the move announcement that really hurt.  Things I cannot share here.  But I am processing.  I guess my life is just about adapting to loss these days.

So there you have it.

That is where I stand right now.  But the good news is, I am still standing.  And I plan on standing tall, and being able to trust my heart to someone else again in the future.  I will not let the loss of this relationship completely define me, like the adoption loss has.  I will never heal from relinquishing my daughter, but I will heal from the loss of BF.  We are very kind to one another and I expect we will continue to be good friends.

I will try to do better about posting more often, but I know I can make no promises of anything right now.  I am in survival mode and plan to stay here for a bit.

I will post more on the private site, so if you haven't already, send me an email at lisaanne119@gmail.com and I will add you to the approved reader list.  I am just trying to protect that blog from Brit's family.  So I may ask you a few follow up questions when you email just to make sure you are someone I can trust has no connection to our story.

Thank you for understanding.

Openess in adoption as defined by my friends

It has been a while since I last posted here.  This blog has become a strange place for me, because it used to be a place where I would share my heart about MY story, but it has now changed to a place where I feel like I can talk about adoption, openness and loss, but not with personal anecdotes.

With that said, if you are a follower of this blog who wants to continue to follow my personal story it is now found on a private blog that is protected.  You can gain access by emailing me at lisaanne119@gmail.com and letting me know who you are and what your connection is to my blog or to adoption.  I do not intend to keep anyone out, but instead just protect our privacy by not allowing anyone who has intimate knowledge of our situation in real life.  Only select IRL friends have access to the blog so if you are someone who wants to continue to follow, don't hesitate to ask.

With that said, I know I say it over and over again, but one of the amazing things that has come from my adoption experience is the friendships I have developed with other mothers; mothers of loss, birthmothers who are in satisfying open adoptions, adoptees and surprisingly, the close relationships I have created with a couple of adoptive mothers.

Two of these friends are Amber at Bumber's Bumblings, and L at What Makes a Real Family. 

A couple of weeks ago, both responded to an Open Adoption Roundtable  that asked bloggers to post about what openness in adoption means to them.  My dear friend Amber has this to say in her post What is openness?  L also responded with her quick, but succinct answer What Openness Means to Me.

Both of these women embrace openness in adoption and because of that, they experience fullness of relationship.  Both relationship with their children and relationship with their children's extended families.  I love reading their stories.  I hope you can take time to read some of their posts too.  It is worth the time invested.

On a personal front, I am dealing with my adoption grief very well these days.  I am reading several books about open adoption.  I have contacted several people asking about adoption facilitators and referrals to ones in my area (haven't found one yet - let me know if you know anyone in Kansas please).  I have had a couple of my adoptive mom friend offer to fly here and try to sit down and talk with me and Brit's family.  (I told you I have great friends!)

I have also continued to tell myself that we are just a couple years into this process and I still have time to re-establish a relationship with our daughter and her family.

On her birthday two weeks ago, I was really struggling and BF kindly reminded me that her birthday is not a day to MOURN but a day to CELEBRATE her life.  And while her life is not shared by us, it will be some day.  He is right.  So I remind myself, SOMEDAY.

This is not where I expected to be.  This is not what I expected to be struggling through.  Adoption is not what I expected it to be.  The rainbows and unicorns never arrived for me.

But as I told a friend just this week - I AM BEING REFINED BY GOD FOR GREAT THINGS!

These difficulties and the pain will be worth it someday.  I must claim that.  Because otherwise the pain could be unbearable.

It is possible to love the whole family and not just the child

I have met some very amazing women since I became part of the adoption world.

Strong women.
Bold women.
Loving women.
Women willing to sacrifice their comfort for the sake of their children.

As you might guess, my favorite women (aside from my sisters in pain, birthmothers), are the mom's who get open adoption and why it is such a loving choice for their child.

Today, the first blog post I read is one that will stay with  me for a long time.  It was posted by my friend Brooke.  I was so glad to read it first thing.  It started my day right.

Choosing to Love More Than One

What Brooke doesn't tell you in this post is that she WORKS HARD to maintain this relationship with her child's first family.

I have watched Brooke reach out and be left waiting for a response for months.  Her daughters first family is sometimes hard to love.  But rather than give up, she LOVES HARD.

She doesn't give up.  It is not easy for her, but in the end, she has found that it is rewarding.  And her hope is that in the end, the person who will ultimately reap the benefit is their daughter.

Another blog I stopped by this morning also talks about loving a birthfamily, even when it hurts.  I love the honesty in this mom's posts about how sometimes it hurts her heart, but it's worth it.  I especially like one of her posts where she talks about how one of her child's birthfamily members has become one of her closest friends through this.

Tears of/and Joy

And as those who read my blog regularly know, this woman is one of my adoption world heroes.  She counsels prospective adoptive families about the beauty of open adoption. And boy does she live it!

Tell me how awesome her girls must feel knowing that at their house they count down the days until their birthmoms arrive for a visit.  What an example of unselfish love is this mother portraying!

Our journey to parenthood

When I look at the pictures on her blog and see her daughters curled up in the lap of their birthmother it makes me melt.

I wish we could get the world to realize that there are so many adopted children who would benefit from the fullness of open adoptions with their birthfamilies.  (Yes, I know there are some situations where it would be a complete detriment to the safety or well being of the child in the case of abuse or excessive addiction.)

But even beautiful relationships can come from adoptions that started as foster placements.  As displayed by the UBER AMAZING Rebecca Hawkes.  Her daughter's first mother had addiction issues that resulted in the removal of her children from her home.  Now Rebecca and her daughter's original mother work together to support women to parent.  And Ashley has the love of two moms.

Ashley's Moms

Open adoption is hard, because it is unselfish.

I am so glad that there are so many families who are willing to work through it, and in return they realize they have just opened themselves up to another family full of love.