Living through today

Treating birth families like, well, FAMILY

2012-02-20T11:49:00.001-06:00

I was doing some really quick blog and discussion board catch up this morning. I was interested to read a couple of comments that were posted on a discussion board I follow.

One question posed by a mother of an adopted child was "What pictures should I send to my daughter's birth mother?" (Wondering if they should only be of the child or should they include their family too.)

There were a few responses at the time I read the board, but the best in my mind was one mother who said, and I paraphrase, "I send any picture that I would send anyone else in our family."

Profound in its simplicity as far as I was concerned.

A second question posted, asked again by a mother of an adopted child, dealt with whether or not their family should tell their child's birth mother that they are not comfortable meeting her boyfriend (of about 6 months) at their next visit. (The birth mother kindly asked in advance, giving the parents the opportunity to say no.)

Another mother replied (a blogging mom that I actually follow) that they don't tell their daughter's birth mother who she can or cannot bring to a visit. Just like they do not tell other family members who they can or cannot bring to family get togethers. Their daughter's birth mother knows that they expect she would only bring someone who is safe to be around their daughter. But past that, they are open to allowing her bring her current boyfriend, a girl friend or any other member of her family with her.

Again, a wise statement in my book.

The common theme in both of these responses, by two different mommas.

We treat our child's birth family the same way we treat our own family.

My Valentine's Day

2012-02-17T10:22:00.000-06:00

Just a couple of cute pictures from Valentine's Day.

First is the gift we received from the boys. Nana (BF's mom) helped all 4 of them make these sugarful delights for us.

The cookie on the left was for me from my boys, the one on the right for BF from his boys.

As a side note about Nana, she also made cookies for my ex and BF's ex so the kids could give them a Valentine treat too. To add even more admiration that I have for her kind spirit, she drove my two boys to the fire station to give their dad his cookie. Not even kidding. BF's mother, took MY boys, to THEIR dad's work to give him a gift. AMAZING! She has such an inclusive heart.

And now for the typical brotherly interaction. When stopping by to pick up their video game system that they left at their dad's house, the boys found what little snow we had left in a drift in his front yard. As you can gauge from their attire (sweatshirts only), the snow was well on its way to melting. It was only on the ground for about two days. This could possibly be the only snow picture we will have for the entire winter. (I LOVE KANSAS WEATHER!)

Disclaimer: Neither child was harmed during this snow massacre. This is how they show affection, I'm convinced.

Incoming!

Take this!

A snow facial

Back at you!

A few words mean the world

2012-02-16T08:59:00.002-06:00

We received a nice and light-hearted email from Brit's dad, thanking us for the Valentine's Day package.

And in his usual form, he included a hilarious story about Brit and a parenting fail that he had with a book he bought her. I laughed out loud.

It is amazing how much that kind of communication means when I hang on every word that we hear from them.

:smiling:

Valentine package sent

2012-02-14T16:09:00.000-06:00

I put together a Valentine package for Brit and mailed it yesterday with the hope that she would get it today, right on Valentine's Day. Since we are only one town away, generally mail gets to them the day after I send it, so I tried to time it right.

Here is a peek at what we sent.

I hope it makes Brit happy. Even though she has no idea who we are, I want to bring her joy, even if it is anonymous.

And what little girl wouldn't love a conversation hearts necklace and bracelet? Or mini jelly beans? And a new Elmo book?

The boys and I continue to pray that someday we will be giving these small gifts to her in person. But until then...

We love you Brit.

Yes sons, we talk about everything

2012-02-14T15:57:00.001-06:00

I have been quiet on the blog lately. I think it is because there are no new words to say.

Normal in my adoption world is silence.

I suppose that quiet indicates that everything is status quo.

So for a personal life update instead.

I am happy to report that the relationship between BF and me is everything I hoped and prayed for. He is attentive to me and inclusive to my children. We are acting like one big family and we are all very comfortable. I am so very thankful for all of this. My soul is at peace now. I feel content, happy and loved.

Our boys run us ragged all week long. With sports practices, games and meets (3 playing basketball, 2 playing baseball, 1 in competitive indoor soccer, and 1 just finished with wrestling), we find that our every free minute is spent preparing for the next obligation. And yet, our bleacher time is some of the greatest joy we have.

Which reminds me of something I thought of today as I took D to lunch. I love my car time with the boys. (OK, maybe not all the time, as some of their more memorable brotherly fights have happened while I was trying to drive.) But for the most part, those moments, especially when I am alone with only one of the children, I find that we can have some amazing conversations.

I know all about middle school drama.

I know all about 5th grade drama.

I hear lame jokes.

I know that recess and PE are still every boy's favorite part of their day.

I only half listen as they talk about video games.

I laugh as they sing along with songs on the radio.

We eat dinner together (yes, in the car).

I crack up listening to them tell each other about their days and what they think was important.

They learn about me. More than they want to know.

The boys were in the car with me the other day and D said, "Our family talks about everything, don't we?"

Yes sons, we talk about everything. Probably more than we should. But I love it.

Big brother denied

2012-02-02T09:28:00.001-06:00

I wish that this adoption situation wasn't so hard on my youngest son. He is definitely passionate about the fact that he is being denied a relationship with HIS sister.

Last night he was talking to a friend I had over from church (someone who does not know us well), and he proceeded to tell her that he has a little sister who he is not allowed to see because her adoptive mom is not nice to us.

Now mind you, this woman from church didn't even know I had a child that I had placed. She was witness to what she thought was a simple conversation about how many brothers and sisters are part of our family. But instead of a simple answer, she was trying to put together all the tidbits of information that D was offering.

I was doing what I could to try to redirect the conversation, but it was obvious that I was trying to hush a child who wanted to tell about his family. I wished I could run across the room and cover his mouth, but I think it is important that he is allowed to speak of his sister as if she is part of our family, because she is. And let's be real here, he was speaking the truth. He has a sister. He is not allowed to know her. He had no choice in the matter. And it's not fair.

I quickly corrected D and said that he has no idea if Brit's mom is nice or not nice, because he doesn't even know her. And I mentioned that Brit probably thinks her mom is very nice and I am sure she loves her very much. I also told him (and the poor visitor who was watching it all go down) that just because we haven't been allowed to have a family visit with Brit, doesn't mean her mom is not nice.

But D wanted to be very clear that he is being denied a relationship with his REAL sister. He continued by saying "I can prove it, if we had a DNA test they would KNOW she is MY sister!"

I am so sorry that I did this to my children. All of them.

I just wish we could fix it. I wish that we were allowed a relationship with this little girl. For the sake of all the children involved.

It seems like it could be such a simple solution that could be beneficial for all involved.

I wish we were all on the same page.

Love grows

2012-01-27T10:27:00.000-06:00

Sitting in my living room last night I was reflective of what was going on around me.

I had printed 150 pictures from things we have done as a family since October. Lots and lots of pictures of the boys playing together, being silly and celebrating the holidays. I had also printed the pictures we've received of Brit over the past few months.

I was carefully looking through the stack so I could pick 8 photos to put in a collage frame. I wanted to represent our entire family. One picture of each child, including Brit. One picture of all the boys together and one photo of BF and me.

While I was doing that, BF was putting all the rest of the photos in an album.

And during that time, I realized how much our love has grown. Not just the love between the two of us, but the love between all 7 of us.

I love BF's kids. He loves mine. We show all of the children affection and attention, irregardless of who has the biological connection. Honestly, there are many times that if you saw all of us interacting, you might not know who was born to who.

Brotherly love (the two 12 year olds)

While I love that BF and I are able to love each other's children, there is something even greater than that. It is the love that the boys have for each other.

The first words out of my boys mouths when I pick them up after work each day is "Does BF have the boys tonight?" And if I say no, that it is a mom day for them, they moan and are visibly disappointed. (I usually follow it up with "What am I? Chopped liver?!?!)

Two of our boys are the exact same age. The other two are one year apart. And it is amazing how well they get along. We are so lucky. I know this is not normal. I have blended a family before, not nearly as easily. But in this case, our boys actually enjoy the time they get to spend together. They consider each other brothers.

But back to my reflections about familial love...

Just because my boys love BF, it does not in any way change their love for their father. They still think their dad walks on water. They are crazy about him.

Pals - our two youngest

The boys don't call BF dad. They call him by his name. They know that he cares for them. But they also know who their dad is.

We have never had to define it. Is is understood. They are allowed to love BF without having split loyalty to their father. BF does not try to be their dad. He clearly understand that role belongs to their father. But he can love them the same, no title required. No 'competition' for first place.

There is plenty of love to go around for all of us. We didn't have to divide what love we had prior to meeting each other, instead we just grew more.

Before adoption changed my life, I would not have reflected much on something as natural as this.

My sisters and mom

Prior to relinquishment, I knew that I love easily. I come by it naturally. Within my immediate family of sisters and parents ,we bring people into the fold all the time. Family is not defined by blood. There is always someone in our lives who we are loving as if they are one of our family. And as far as we are concerned, they are.

Since relinquishment, I am learning that not all families operate like this. Apparently there is a sense of clan that some families have the does not allow others in very easily. I have also learned that when it comes to children, some adults find claiming ownership very important. Establishing the child as one of their clan, and ONLY their clan is important.

Me, my (former step) daughter and her mom. Still family in spite of divorce.

That was all new to me. I had no idea that was such an issue to so many people.

Since relinquishment, I have also learned that there are ALOT of families who are like mine. They grow their love based on the people who enter their lives.

I now have a new appreciation for those kinds of people. The kind of people who believe that there can never be too much love. And that the love well has no bottom. You can keep dipping in as many times as you wish.

Through all of the heartache adoption has caused me, it has also made me appreciate things so much more than I used to. And I now recognize and appreciate those who let their love grow and love without boundaries.

Buddies

Yes, I will eat your pizza in front of your friends at school!

Driving the golf cart together - heaven help us

Checking out chicks at the mall

J does come around when there are presents.

PS - There is no picture of my oldest son with any of the other boys. It is amazing how once a child turns 18, he is no longer nearly as interested in staying home to play with his little brothers. :)

Here is just a Christmas picture of him for good measure!

PPS - Here are pictures of the children with each of their biological parents, in case you wondered who was born to who. Personally, I think it is hard to tell when we are all together.

January email update

2012-01-25T22:59:00.001-06:00

We got our monthly email today followed by some pictures. Brit's dad shared examples of how Brit is amazing and exceptional for an 'almost 2' year old.

He gets it.

2012-01-25T20:55:00.000-06:00

Today I realized that the only person who can fully understand my grief and pain is BF. And today when I needed him the most, he was there. He understood and without me even asking, he functioned for me.

I know that he is broken by this adoption relationship too. But he is a boy. And he does not express it all the time like I do. Yet, today when I called him after we received our monthly email, I realized that he is truly amazing. He made me feel so much better. Not because he tried to tell me it was all ok, but instead because he told me it is not ok.

Together we talked about how this relationship is broken in spite of our fervent efforts. We are not being treated thoughtfully.

He made no excuses for them. He did not try to justify it. He simply said out loud what my heart thought. And while it doesn't fix anything, it is so nice to know he feels the same way.

There is something comforting about having someone understand completely. BF is the only person who could love Brit the same way I do. He is also the only other person who can feel the depth of loss that I do. His interest in this relationship is just as vested as mine.

While my heart is hurt by all we have been through and are living through now, I absolutely love this man who understands.

Tomorrow is the 25th and we all know what that means...

2012-01-24T13:34:00.002-06:00

I have been asked from time to time if getting regular updates causes me more pain than not hearing or seeing would.

The answer is an unequivocal NO!

I live for the 25th of every month.

Just the idea that I will see what she looks like now and hear how she has changed makes me nearly crazy with anticipation the entire week before an update.

The weeks of not knowing are what hurt my heart the most. The deafening silence is what is painful.

Then we get a picture like this and I melt for a while.

So right now I am thinking about where I might be tomorrow when the email comes in. Will it be during the day? Will it be from her mom or dad? What kind of pictures will they include? Did she like the Christmas presents we sent? How big is she now? What does she say? What does she play with?

The questions swirl in my head. I am so glad that within 24 hours I will know the answers to at least some of them. It's like getting a peek into her little world.

And I will read that email at least 50 times over the course of the next 30 days. Because that is my only connection to her right now.

Check out Love Is Not a Pie

2012-01-19T15:48:00.003-06:00

Sometimes someone says something so profound that there is no reason to change a single bit of it.

I could read Rebecca Hawkes blog all day long. She is amazing. He blog today deals with the question Is open adoption disruptive to adoptive families? Her post is short and poignant. I hope you hop over there and take a look.

And if you are an advocate for open adoption, like me, you will be hooked. Rebecca is super cool.

She lives the talk. She herself is an adoptee, parenting both an adopted child and a biological child. And did I mention she maintains a relationship with her daughter's first mother, even though her daughter came to their family through the foster system?... Yes, she is that cool.

To feel valued...

2012-01-10T12:06:00.000-06:00

Normally I do not talk about specific situations that I am dealing with regarding Brit's parents because I am never sure if they are reading my blog. So I never want to say anything that could potentially have a negative impact on our relationship.

But today I just decided I want to say out loud how I have felt inside (and have expressed to BF on more than one occasion).

I am so disappointed. Disappointment to my core.

I do not expect alot from others. I try to be gracious and accept that people are all different. We behave differently. We parent differently. We spend our time differently.

But there comes a point where it becomes obvious if you are a valued part of someone's life.

We are not feeling valued.

We are not asking to be treasured or held in the highest regard. We are not asking to be a number one priority to you and/or your family.

But we do wish that you would at least extend to us the same courtesy that you would to an extended family member.

When we send a Christmas gift package (or any other holiday) to your children and it is not acknowledged in any way, we wonder if you got it. And when we see from the tracking that you did, your silence speaks to us.

Yes, you do generally remember to say thank you in the subsequent monthly email update. But would it be so hard to send a 3 sentence email when you received the package and say, "We got your gift. Thank you. Brit enjoys it."?

When special days in our lives come and go and they are never acknowledged by you (birthdays, mothers day, and every holiday), we realize that the effort we make to celebrate those special days for you, is not reciprocated.

While we know that Brit is not old enough to send us a card, sometimes parents do that on behalf of their child. We send a card for every holiday and special day in your life. Still not a single piece of mail has ever been delivered to our mailbox with your return address. Not a happy birthday or holiday email or text message. Nothing.

When we contact you and kindly ask if we can discuss our adoption relationship, your non-response speaks volumes. Being blatantly ignored is very hurtful. And we are left to deal with the hurt with no explanation or understanding.

We are forever grateful for the monthly updates. The pictures and stories are the only salve we have for our hearts. But would you consider how much it might mean to us if you would snap a picture as Brit opens her gifts from us, since we were not allowed any time together with her to watch her open them in person?

I know it is hard to remember birthdays and having 3 little children in your home has to be hectic. We are very understanding. We have 5 boys of our own that take our every waking minute, plus we both work full time jobs. But our relationship with you is a priority to us. So we make sure that you know it by expressing it to you in tangible ways.

We send gifts because it is a way for us to express our love to Brit and your family since we do not get to see any of you on those special occasions. We send cards to let you know we are thinking about you.

We do not want gifts in return. We have everything we could possibly want or need. We just want to feel like you think about us too. And since we do not have an interactive relationship in the sense of phone calls or text messages, the only way we would know that you remember us would be through a card, or letter or even a thoughtful email that was not sent according to schedule.

You used to interact with us like that before you took Brit home. You were thoughtful and expressive when I was pregnant. So we know you are capable of such feelings and actions.

This lack of interaction with you is very hard for BF and me to understand. In your emails, you say that you love us and are thankful for us, but your actions do not necessarily support those statements.

We get the distinct feeling that you are willing to invest the minimum. And because you have decided that monthly email updates are what you are comfortable with, it ends there. *The short surprise visit that you allowed us to have last year around the time of Brit's first birthday was very nice, and VERY appreciated. But we also realize it was simply a gift extended to us, not to be expected.

We sure wish that we meant enough to you that you would consider more.

But we aren't going to push it. It appears that our heartfelt pleas do not influence what you feel is an acceptable relationship between our two families.

We have had to come to our own peace with the fact that this is how it is right now. We cannot change it. We have no power or influence. We hold no cards. We are at your mercy.

We are going to keep sending cards on special occasions. And we will continue to send gifts on holidays unless you tell us otherwise. We want to do this because we are thinking about your family and we want show you that in the only way that we can. However, we have come to expect that there will be silence in return.

Honestly, we don't want a response to our attempts at interaction with you unless you WANT to respond to us. It is like asking our children to apologize and they say they are sorry, but we know that in their heart they are not truly remorseful. We don't want lip service. We want it to be real.

We love that little girl. And until she is able to desire a relationship with us, we are at your mercy and we know it.

We just wish you felt that our relationship with Brit, and with your family, was valuable to you.

Clinging to HOPE

2012-01-08T22:41:00.000-06:00

Thank you to Lindsay at the R House for working on my focus this past week. Not in a eye-vision kind of way, but in an attitude way.

She had an amazing blog post about how their family theme this year will be HOPE. While Lindsay and I do not share the same religious beliefs, I will say that as I read the post I felt like it was God talking to me.

So the day I read it, I decided that I am going to try to use that as my cue word to refocus myself when I am feeling so grief stricken.

I am going to claim HOPE.

And as usual, my favorite Bible verse reinforces this for me...

Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know he plans I have for you," declares the Lord,
"Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future."

And if you think about it, pray for Lindsay and her family. It appears the expecting mom who had originally considered placing her daughter with the R family, has chosen instead to parent her daughter. The R family is very supportive of her in that endeavor as they have come to love her and they want only the best for her and her children. So although they are still supporting this expecting mother (they love her), their hearts are still sad as they realize this child will not be joining their family.

As you can imagine this expecting mother is also heavy on my heart and also in my prayers. I would guess she must be struggling with the decision to parent and the logistics of how she will do that with her limited resources. So if you are praying, please add C to your prayers too.

Let he who has no sin cast the first stone

2012-01-05T16:40:00.000-06:00

“Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.” ― T.H. Thompson and John Watson

I have a friend who is in a similar situation to mine. She is hurt. Broken. And buried so deep in grief that many of her actions and words are born from an excruciating pain that few would probably understand. She is a shell of the person she once was.

Most days she is lucky just to make it through another day. I understand those feelings all too well.

I love her. I ache with her. My heart breaks every single time I speak to her.

I do not always agree with the things that she says. Sometimes I feel like she isn't being fair to everyone involved. And when she says things that I believe might just be her perception and not necessarily the reality, I ask her if she might have considered that her perception might be skewed by her grief. Sometimes she agrees, other times she does not. She may be right, I may be right. It simply doesn't matter. Because her feelings are hers and mine are mine.

I love her in spite of her faults. She loves me even when I don't agree with her. She is broken. I am broken.

But she is also passionate about truth. She is extremely intelligent (maybe to a fault). Her grief has driven her to pursue her passion for making sure others do not make the mistakes she has.

Do I always agree with her presentation? No. But I always love her. No matter what. And while her presentation might be harsh, and her passion considered nearly obsessive, she is often right. The desires of her heart are not to harm others, but to save those she can from a grief that she knows all too well.

She is using her grief to help others.

I am not to judge her. I know this because I believe that Christ was specific with us. I am to love her. Just as I am to love Brit's adoptive parents. Not conditionally, because they have done something nice for me, or treated me well. But unconditionally because that is how Christ loves me.

That does not mean that I have to be accepting of unkind actions. It just means that I have to be willing to forgive and show that person the kind of love that Christ would.

So today I found out that there are those who have taken it upon themselves to tell others in her adoption triad about some of the grief riddled words she has spoken about her adoption situation. Words that were not intended to be said to the others, but words that she expressed when her grief was overflowing. Words that she said when her heart had been so broken that nothing made sense. Words that she meant. They described her pain and her hurt.

And it broke my heart. Knowing that there are those who are also in adoption relationships themselves would ever think it best to share that information with another set of adoptive parents (who they did not know personally but had to seek to find). I cannot imagine who would think that would be a good idea and beneficial for ANYONE.

Her adoptive parents are good people. Extraordinarily open and respectful. People who are doing their best to have an open adoption relationship that includes all of their child's birthfamily.

I understand that my friend may have said things that others perceived as unkind about her son's adoptive parents.   I also know she fervently pursues changes to adoption laws and practices that some adoptive parents find threatening.

But she and her son's adoptive parents speak every single day. They have a relationship. She has shared with them that things that they have said and done have hurt her and her family. They speak of these things.  Her feelings are not a secret from them.

What these who disagree with her are doing is just going to create pain. This kind of information will not improve their adoption relationship, it will only bring harm.

So is this really any of OUR business? Absolutely not. This is a family matter. Their family. Not mine. Not yours.

Those of us who write as a form of therapeutic release know that blogging allows us the ability to share our hurts, disappointments and overwhelming frustrations without directing those words at someone specific.

Sometimes things we say are words we later regret.  But they are thoughts and feelings that are on our hearts at that time. And if we are not using real names or any identifying information, then it can even be helpful to others who read our words when they realize they too feel the same way or have had the same experience.

Unless I thought someone was going to be hurt or irreparably harmed, I would never seek out someone to tattle. Which is exactly what has happened here. It is a grown up game of tattling by those who think they know best.

All of it makes me sad. There is enough hurt and misunderstanding in adoption. The idea that someone(s) would proactively "stir the pot" as they say, makes me so sad for everyone involved.

No good can come of this. And it is shameful.

Ephesians 4:29
"Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear"

John 15:12
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you."

Luke 6:37
“Judge not, and you will not be judged; condemn not, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven;"

James 4:11-12
"Do not speak evil against one another, brothers. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. But if you judge the law, you are not a doer of the law but a judge. There is only one lawgiver and judge, he who is able to save and to destroy. But who are you to judge your neighbor?"

Matthew 7:1-5
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.

Lighthearted update non-adoption related

2012-01-02T09:54:00.001-06:00

I was thinking this weekend that I never updated all my readers about what happened to the men who made their way to my blog during the 'finding myself' months when BF and I were not together as a couple.

Some of the stories are good so here we go.

I went out a couple of times with an older gentleman who had been a friend of mine for a couple of years. He was very nice but I had no romantic chemistry with him. He tried for months to try to continue a relationship with me but I was just not interested. I am glad to report he has found love and I am so happy for him.

Then there was the guy from Nashville. I flew out there to spend a weekend with him and it was a fun experience. We kept up a long distance phone/text relationship after that and had he not been crazy, it might have worked out. ;-) He really is crazy. Certifiably. I ended things with him citing that we had different expectations. I expected him to be nice to me, and he expected me to tolerate his psychotic behavior. It just didn't work out. He has texted me about three times since then telling me he misses me. Whatever...

Then there was 'my guy'. He was so good to me and my kids and we had a great time together. He had been a friend for a couple of years too. Once we started dating we were inseperable. But for those who might remember, he was collateral damage when BF came back to me and told me he wanted to reconcile and build a life together. But my guy's story is the best of them all.

My guy was devastated when we broke up and I felt so bad. But it appears I was a stepping stone for him to find his love. Turns out he and one of my dearest friends started talking when we broke up (like 10 days later). And as they say, the rest is history. They now live together and he is the hero that she has been waiting for. He is great to her kids, who needed a daddy, and he is super affectionate which is exactly what she wanted. I still have to double take when I look at their profile pics on FB because it is a bit strange to me to see them together. But, they deserve all the happiness in the world, so I moved past it.

And finally, my favorite story for sick and twisted reasons. The firefighter. The man who pursued me and 'forgot' to mention that he was married. When I called him out on being married we stopped talking. However his last text message to me was "I think you're special." or something to that effect. Well... he accidentally sent that text message to his WIFE instead of me. And that my friends started the ball rolling.

He ended up confessing to her that he had stared a 'friendship' with me and she was clear with him that was inappropriate and it landed them in counseling. YAY! I have only spoken to him once since that text message exchange with me, but it was then that he told me about what had happened with his wife and he also apologized to me for not being truthful with me.

I am hopeful that this is a changing point in their relationship and that they can repair what had obviously not been working. I am so glad I had nothing to regret in that relationship. I was an unknowing player and got out before it got super ugly.

So there you have it. The rest of the story.

Re-reading all of the above makes me really realize how I am so glad that my story has ended how it has with BF. It is the ending I have always hoped for. And I am happy.

Hindsight - why I chose adoption when I did

2011-12-29T18:37:00.000-06:00

Often I am asked why we placed Brit if we so badly want a relationship with her. A very fair question.

The simple answer is: When we chose adoption we chose a permanent solution to a temporary situation.

BF and I had just started dating. We had been together a matter of weeks when I got pregnant. There is no excuse for why. We are old enough to know better, we are educated, we are responsible in most other areas of our lives. We simply did not communicate well about this area of our relationship.

When I found I was pregnant we were faced with what we felt like was an unbelievable set of circumstances. Two people, just getting to know each other, newly divorced, raising 5 boys of our own as single parents.  Both over 35 years old and 'done having children'. Or so we thought.

BF is an accountant. He is calculated. He plans. He rationalizes. And it takes him a REALLY long time to make a commitment to something/someone. He has to be certain.

I am impulsive. I love fast and easily. I believe all things will work out for the best and that people are good. I trust and forgive easily. I deal with things only if I have to. Denial is a preferred method for difficult situations if at all possible.

So being unexpectedly pregnant threw both of us for a loop. It didn't fit into any plan BF had for his life, and I simply did not know what to do about it. We were overwhelmed.

While it is probably an understood, I think it bears stating. Pregnancy does not induce the most clear thinking of a woman's life. Hormones wreak havoc. Thoughts swirl. Tears come easily. Insanity is just below the surface. Small problems can become huge issues resulting in overreaction. To say the least.

I just couldn't fathom how I was going to be able to parent the 3 boys I had, plus care for a new baby. I felt like the weight of bearing that load was oppressive. And not fair to any of the children involved. Especially this child.

BF was equally overwhelmed. The idea of parenting a child with someone he had just started dating (I am quite a catch but he didn't realize it yet, lol), was more than he could imagine.

We had a problem (so we thought), so we had to find a solution. Abortion was not an option for me so that was quickly eliminated. So we could parent or place this child with another family.

We found ourselves saying over and over again how we wanted this child to have a set of married parents, just like our boys had when they were born. We wanted him/her to have an idyllic childhood, like we had planned for our boys. We both hated the fact that our children were now dealing with divorced parents. We had never wanted that for any of them.

So if we could give this child an advantage instead of a disadvantage by providing her with a loving, intact family from the very beginning, weren't we doing the right thing for her?

That was our justification.

Brit deserved two married parents, just like her brothers had when they were born.

So we made the decision to place without ever seriously considering parenting.  Parenting just didn't seem to be the logical choice. We believed we should do the 'right thing' for this child, giving her married parents.

We chose her parents, and began developing our relationship with them. They became a part of our lives.

The abbreviated version of that story would be: A couple wanted to be parents, heard about us, thought we were the solution to their problem (infertility). We saw them as the solution to our need for a married set of parents for our child.

It was as simple as that. They were good people, the kind of people we thought would be great parents. They were like us. They were willing and able to do what we thought we could not.

Now for the hindsight...

BF and I should have spent alot of time talking about parenting. We should have let our hearts realize that this was OUR child. We should have only considered parenting until we could justify why we couldn't parent.

I did not do adequate research. Once I made the decision that adoption was our choice, I did not want to read horror stories. I didn't want to hear about anything that would conflict with what I believed would be a fairy tale ending to this story. So I stopped reading anything except happy adoption supportive literature.

Brit's parents were not done dealing with infertility. They knew they wanted to be parents. Adoption was the next logical solution to make that happen. They had not had any pre-adoption counseling. They had just begun inquiring about adoption. They had barely had a chance to process what parenting an adopted child would entail. I believe they were not yet prepared for becoming parents through adoption (just like we were not prepared to become 'birthparents'). They were ready to be parents. But being adoptive parents takes a whole heap of fortitude that not everyone is able to handle, especially without professional advice before you enter an adoption relationship.

BF and I had no idea what having a child who we would not be able to have a relationship with would do to us as people. We had no idea how strong the desire would be for us to have a relationship with our child after she was born. We were convinced this would be a neat and tidy situation. Child has parents, parents love baby, we are happy for all of them and their perfect world.

I should have not become so emotionally vested in my relationship with Brit's adoptive mother. Because every time I had thoughts about keeping Brit, I thought about how it would hurt her mom and I didn't want to hurt her/them.

Although we saw two separate counselors repeatedly, I should have found someone who had extensive birthparent experience. I should have sought wise counsel.

There are so many more things I could list here. But it all comes down to this...

If only we would have known then what we know now, the decision would have been different.

Hindsight.

BF and I should be parenting Brit. We should have parented her from the beginning. We should not have ever entertained the idea of adoption. We are capable, experienced parents and we should have just pulled ourselves up and said, we can do this. It might not be ideal, but we can do this.

I am not anti-adoption. I do believe there are some people who should not or cannot parent children, whether or not they give birth to them.  But what I have realized is that if at all possible, keeping a child with his or her birth family should be the very first choice. Even if it is hard.

But if it cannot be done, for reasons that are more than just temporary, then the child should still be allowed a relationship with his/her first family.

I made what I thought was the logical choice for Brit's well being based only on the circumstances as they presented themselves at that time. There was SO much more to consider. We thought we were doing the right thing.

BF and I are good parents. We are good providers. We love our children. We should have spent more time focusing on that.

However...

The adoption decision is irrevocable (especially in Kansas, there is absolutely no recourse. Papers are signed 48 hours after birth and there is no revocation period.).

My daughter is being raised by a different family. That is the reality.

All we can do now is try to make this the very best situation for her. The decision was made. Right or wrong. It's over.

I will not undermine her parents. They are her parents now. I will support them, and love them.  That's what families do. I will do my part to make this the very best relationship I can. Even when it's hard.

I have no blame for anyone but myself. I made the decision. I am now living the consequences of that decision. The regret and grief is self-inflicted.

So onward.

Now, we are going to do everything in our power to be available to that little girl. We are going to work on our relationship with her parents. We are vested. We will not just give up on the idea of an open adoption just because it is hard. Families work through relationship struggles. We are committed to filling whatever role we are allowed to have in the life of sweet Brit. We are going to continue to love her to pieces. And hopefully, that will not have to be from afar.

Final thoughts:
Please do not read the preceding and make any assumption that I am against adoption. There are people who should be parents. People who may not give birth to a child, but who love the child in their life as if they did.

Adoption is not an innately bad thing. On the contrary, I believe that adoption can be a beautiful thing. I derive so much joy from reading about my friends who have beautiful, healthy, open adoptions. Not perfect adoption relationships. But they make the best of what they have. Just like any of us do as parents. They respect the role of everyone in the adoption relationship and they are child centric, focusing on what is best for the child, not just what is least painful for the adults.

Because of my research and now very personal interest in adoption relationships, I have also developed a heart for children in foster care. Those children DESERVE families who love them. Forever families. I am so thankful there are good people who are willing to take on that role for those children.

There are no manuals for life (with the exception of the Bible, which I should read more!). We are all just trying to do the best we can, adapting as we go along.

Life is complicated and people are messy. We are all doing what we think is best.

And everyone should be treated with a little more grace and compassion. Everyone.

Being a birthmom at Christmas = emotional trainwreck at any given moment

2011-12-28T17:32:00.000-06:00

The boys showing off their new bags

As a whole we had a great Christmas. The boys got along beautifully and got everything their hearts desired. My BF absolutely stepped up this Christmas season, welcoming me and the boys into his home for an entire week, making us all feel like the family we plan to be someday. He was so good to all of us, generous and inclusive. I think I may have fallen even more in love with him as the week progressed.

While it was good and happy most of the time, I will admit, I had a few breakdowns.

The first was at the beginning of the break when it became apparent that we would not be seeing Brit this holiday season. We were hopeful that it would work for her family to come over and let us give her the gifts we chose for her (and a couple for her siblings). However, the week of Christmas we finally got a note from them saying their schedule just didn't allow the time. It was very hard on both BF and me. We had both been very hopeful that it would work out. We had waited several weeks to see if our request for them to join us for a little time would be doable. Apparently it just didn't work for them.

So we mailed the gifts. Mailed them to their home, which happens to be about 7 miles from our home. It broke our hearts. ALOT. BF did a great job consoling me. It required holding me as I sobbed for hours until I finally fell asleep. Followed by a second day filled with tears at work.

But I had to move on. We have a house full of boys who are here with me now who needed me to pull it together. So I did.

Many happy memories were made before breakdown number two.

As we were getting ready to leave the house to head to BF's family Christmas, BF handed me the photo book that I had created for both of our mothers which included a year full of pictures of Brit. He said to me that we should probably wait until later to give it to his mom. So let's guess what that started?... Yep, the floodgates. He was right. The nieces and nephews at her house would be confused because they barely remember me being pregnant. And explaining who the baby was in the pictures would be complicated. Timing would be better later. BUT. That was all I needed to go into orbit.

I already missed Brit dearly that Christmas Eve, and suddenly I had a catalyst to start the tears. Again, BF wrapped his arms around me and told me he knows this is hard. I cried for a few minutes, walked around out in the cold, pulled myself together and headed over to his mom's. I also partook in a glass of wine which calmed my nerves enough that I could participate in holiday festivities.

Again, we enjoyed a nice Christmas Eve and when we woke up Christmas morning I did pretty well. Until after all the boys' stockings were unloaded and they all scattered to their rooms. As soon as they were out of sight, I found myself back in bed, curled up in a ball, crying softly into my pillow. BF came looking for me after a while and again, just held me until it passed. All I could think was that we were missing someone. Everything was not OK.

I am so glad that he realizes that there is no fixing this. Nothing he can say or do will make it better. My heart is missing a piece. It is gone and there is a painful hole there. Most of the time I can function covering the hole with being busy. But when family events happen, and we have all of our children together, I feel like there is a ghost child missing. And unfortunately I cannot call her, or see her to reassure myself that everything is OK.

I know that Brit is loved and well cared for. But I miss her and want to know her personally. We love her too. And I wish she knew us. I wish she knew her brothers.

Sunday night I woke up from a deep sleep because I was dreaming of Brit and I realized I have no idea what her voice sounds like. I couldn't go back to sleep with the nagging feeling of how I just needed to see her. To know her.

I know that how things are today are not necessarily how they will always be. That this distance between Brit's family and us may not always exist.

But living through this is really painful. And waiting is so very hard.

2011-12-20T12:12:00.000-06:00

To all who have read my blog, commented or just prayed silently for me,

I appreciate all that you have and continue to do to encourage me.

You have all been so kind and supportive, thank you.

I will admit that I have done little but cry for almost 24 hours. But the few moments of joy that I am able to salvage from my day generally involve words of encouragement from all of you.

I am trying very hard to hand this over to God because I am not doing a good job of bearing the burden on my own.

Yet, I find that being here, in this ocean of grief is a hard place to leave when you don't see anything but ocean all around.

Thank you again for the prayers, for all of us.

Truly that is the only thing that will change what exists here.

I cannot do it on my own power. I cannot WILL someone to extend me grace. I cannot beg for someone to WANT to have a relationship with me.

So I have to let God handle that.

Thank you my adoptive mom friends

2011-12-19T17:29:00.000-06:00

I really did think I was better. My thoughts were clearing and I had hope for my future relationship with my daughter's parents.

Then it hit again. I felt as if I was standing on a train track enjoying the beautiful day, and BAM the train strikes me as I stand still.

It is a paralyzing feeling to know that as a birthparent you have absolutely no 'rights' in the adoption relationship. You can only be the recipient of good will.

So you have to just sit back and hope that good will is extended to you. Sometimes it is, and other times you are hit by a train. Either way, you must grin and bear it. Because this is what you chose when you chose adoption for your child.

So...

I am trying to brush off from my emotional train wreck and figure out what good can come from this latest bout of pain and heartbreak. And one thing surfaced immediately. There are some super great adoptive moms out there who 'get' open adoption. They are moms whose hearts are filled with love for not only their children, but for the families of their children.

And when my heart break is really bad, I appreciate how each of them dusts me off and says, "This is not how it should be. What is happening here is not how adoption works best."

They give me virtual hugs and encouragement. And they remind me that adoption can be beautiful and not just heartbreaking.

So below is a letter to my adoptive mom friends who understand the precious relationship that they have with their child's birthparents. I am so grateful for all of you and the love and support you extend me in my darkest hours.

To my dear adoptive mother friends,

First and foremost, thank you for loving our children.

Thank you for making the conscious decision to open your heart to more than just a child. But instead opening your heart to the child and his/her entire family.

Thank you for having a tender place in your heart that makes you desire to invest in knowing your child's birth families, and allowing your hearts to love them, warts and all.

Thank you for not allowing insecurity or our selfish human nature get in the way of a meaningful relationship with your child's birthfamily.

Thank you for understanding that we (birthparents) are all flawed people who will let you down, say things that hurt, and do things that you may not understand. Thank you for forgiving us anyway. Often many times over.

Thank you for not listening to the nay-sayers who tell you that this is YOUR child and you don't need to have a relationship with his/her birthfamily.

Thank you for putting your child's needs first, even when it is tough. And scary. And not easy.

Thank you for realizing that your hard work and painful investment in a relationship with your child's birthfamily will pay dividends later. Maybe much later (after many heartbreaks of your own), but in the end, it was the right thing to do.

Thank you for seeing the beauty in us for who we are to your child; the child's first families.

Thank you for doing the right thing, and not necessarily the easy thing, even when given the chance.

And finally, thank you for educating others about how beautiful open adoption can be.

With heartfelt love,

An appreciative birthmom

Below are links to three of the most encouraging women who have helped me through some of the hardest days of my life. You are all such amazing women and mothers. THANK YOU!

Lindsay

MommySquared

Rebekah

Friends through shared grief

2011-11-30T14:49:00.000-06:00

This morning I pulled up one of my favorite blogs The Chronicles of Munchkinland which is written by another birthmother. Jenna is real with her words. She has a great open adoption relationship with her daughter and her daughter's adoptive mother. Even so, she is like so many of us and often debilitated by grief. I appreciate that she shares how her adoption relationship impacts not only her, but also her children and husband.

Today she was posting about her reaction to an episode of GL.E.E. Click here for the full blog post.

I don't watch the show, but I understand it is currently dealing with a teen birthmother who has been very erratic with her behavior about her child (another hot topic here in blogosphere). You probably know the storyline better than me, so I will just leave it at that.

Jenna's comments today about this fictional birthmother resonated to my soul. Tears streamed down my face as I read them. I would like to think these are not universal truths about all birthmothers, but I must say that from the ones I have interacted with, these statements are so very true.

In her post, Jenna is referring to the birthmother character in the show, and she says...

"Yes, she’s hurting. Yes, she’s a freaking mess. You don’t relinquish your child without some kind of freaking mess. The best of us are able to talk it out with unbiased counselors who have experience with birth parent grief and loss. The worst of us… they don’t make it. The ones in between, the majority of us, try to find ways to piece it all together, to make it work, to enjoy the good, to grieve the bad, to somehow make some sense of the hurt, the pain and the fear. Some of us hide the freaking mess better than others.

Sometimes even those who are masters of disguise fall apart in public sometimes when we’re poked or prodded or put on display as some kind of role model — for the good or the bad.

And I can assure you that not one of us wants to be a freaking mess.

I don’t enjoy the hole in my heart. I don’t like how, as her* birthday draws near (*note, her daughter), my first instinct is to hole up within myself, curl into a ball and hold very still until it all passes. I don’t wish this pain, this hurt, this emptiness on even my worst of enemies.

I understand those who lash out in anger. I understand those who put on the happy face. I understand those who turn to alcohol or drugs. I understand those who put on the ambivalent face of disinterest."

Jenna continues with the lament of my heart. She encapsulates the loneliness and longing that I have for someone to help me live through the pain of a child lost.

"I understand that all of that comes back to the hurt, the ache and wanting someone, anyone — just one damn person — to understand how it feels. To ask you if you’re okay. To sit in silence with you as you stare at her picture on her birthday."

Her words cut to my soul. She said out loud the things that my heart screams.

I am thankful that I have connected with a friend here in blog land that fits the bill as that person who understands. I know I can call or text her on those dark days and she will not tell me that it will all be OK, because we know it is not OK.

I am one of the lucky few. If you can consider it lucky at all.

And if you asked either one of us, we would both tell you that we wish that we never had this common reason to become friends. We are over 1,000 miles apart, but bound at heart by a grief that thankfully few others can understand.

So in the spirit of thankfulness, I will say, I am thankful for my friend W's Birthmom. And the other blog friends I have met here.

There are many of you. Some birthmothers, some adoptive mothers. Others are just people who have found my blog and prayed for my heart and encouraged me, simply because they were touched by my story.

But today, my heart is heavy for all of us who have relinquished a child and are now living with the consquences of that decision. I wish I could sit in silence next to each one of you as we all hold the pictures of our children and we greive their loss.

Dear Brit, I'm sorry.

2011-11-29T14:33:00.000-06:00

Dearest Brit,

It is the holiday season again. Thanksgiving just past, Christmas looming around the corner and Halloween is a not-so-distant memory. It is a great time of year to be a kid.

Last year at this time, I was pretty much a mess. I haven't gone back to look at my posts from that time, but I know for a fact that tears were my mainstay. I missed you so much and wanted you with us so badly.

I must say, not much of that has changed. I cry less (just because I think my tear supply is permanently diminished). But the the longing for you is the same.

While it might seem silly, Halloween was hard this year. There were a few reasons why, but one at the top of the list was because we didn't get to see you all dressed up. We had all the boys, in costume and together. But you were missing.

I know your parents took you out and you had a blast. They told us about it about a month later when we got our monthly update about you. But for weeks preceding, your (birth)father and I talked about what we thought you might be dressed up as and how you would like walking around getting candy. And the night of Halloween we sure thought about you and wondered how it was going.

This weekend when we were celebrating Thanksgiving, I found that while I have so much to be thankful for, my thoughts always come right back to you and how I wish you were here with us.

Your brothers D and LanMan - your cousin A also at the table.
If you look closely your (birth)father is in the background.

I wanted you to be making gingerbread houses with your brothers at Nana's house.

LanMan with your cousin B

I wanted you to be running around with your cousin who is 2 weeks younger than you. I wanted to hear the two of you talking to each other in that language that toddlers speak to each other while playing with toys.

I wanted to hold you on my lap while you napped from shear exhaustion from all of the busyness of the day.

Instead of that, when we took pictures, you were missing. You didn't get to sit at the table with us. You weren't rolling around on the floor playing with your brothers. We weren't passing you around from aunt to aunt, oogling over how positively adorable you are.

Me and all my sisters (your aunts) and my mom (your gma)

Thankfully our family doesn't pretend like you don't exist, just because you aren't here. We all love you so much. We talk about you and what your parents have told us you are doing now. We look at your pictures. We speculate about what it is like to hear your voice. We talk about how very cute you are and how you look like us. And of course, all of your aunts ask time and again when I think we might be able to see you.

I sure hope that my counselor is right when she says that the way things are right now is not necessarily how they will be forever. I don't know if I can bear the thought of not having a relationship with you for much longer. And you are only 20 months old!

I am glad you have great parents who adopted you. I know they take very good care of you and that you are happy. For that, I suppose I am thankful.

But I won't pretend that I don't want a do-over when it comes to choosing to let you be raised in a different family. The problem is, there are no do-overs with adoption. We chose that path for you and now we are all living the consequences. Thankfully your consequences are unnoticeable right now. You are young and happy. We are the only ones visibly grieved by your loss. I do know that this will not always be the case. As time goes on, you will be the one who is conflicted and forced to deal with all of the issues that are inherent to those who are adopted.

I would guess that someday you are going to wonder how we felt about our decision to place you with another family. I hope that you know that just because we chose adoption when we did, it does not mean we ever stopped loving you or that we didn't think about you all day, every day.

We all miss you. Every one of us. Adoption has not just changed me, but it has changed all of us. Your (birth) father, your brothers, your grandparents, our extended families and even our closest friends. We miss you. We wish you were here with us, part of the family you were born into.

But you are not with us. You don't get to share in the family get-togethers. And it is our own fault. We did what we thought was best for you at the time. Unfortunately we didn't realize the consequences of that decision. We were wrong. We could have and should have raised you. But we can't fix it now.

What we can do is be ready and available for the moment when we are allow a little access to you by your parents. And we hope and pray that once you are capable of having a say in it, that you will want to have a relationship with us too.

Now to be clear. This has little or nothing to do with your adoptive parents. They are so good to you. They love you and care for you just exactly how we wanted you to be loved by two married parents. They are excellent parents as far as we can tell (and we believe it to be so). All that I am saying is that I wish you would have stayed with us. Even if it was hard. Even if we weren't married and you had to be shuttled between two homes. In hindsight, that is nothing compared to the complication we have created by choosing a completely different family to raise you.

Me and your (birth)father at Jessica's wedding

So please know my dear, sweet Brit, we have loved you every single day. If we could, we would rewind and make alot of different decisions. The greatest of those being never letting you go. I am so sorry that this is your reality now and that we are the ones responsible for it. We are going to do everything in our limited power to make this adoption story turn out the very best it can. We want only the best for you.

I hope that we are so available to you that you never wonder about our love and commitment to you. I hope that you are allowed time with our family so you can know first hand all of your family and how much we all love you. If there is any way to make this adoption story happy for you, we will do whatever it takes.

We love you dear Brit. More than can ever be put to words.

Love,

Your first mother

P.S. On a single happy note, I got more Christmas gifts for you last night. Your (birth)father and I have already been shopping for you for several weeks (he actually bought your first present without me around!). We finally figured out what gift to get you this past weekend and last night I found exactly what we were looking for. When I bought it, I immediately went over to his house and had to show it off. We can't wait for you to get it. Maybe we will even get to see you open it, maybe...

My interview

2011-11-18T09:19:00.000-06:00

I thought I would ad a link back to the post of the interview I did with Sheeps Eating Me. I know I mentioned it before, but it was just great being paired with someone who totally embraces open adoption.

Getting to know this momma made me smile.

My interview with Sheeps Eating Me

There are good men in adoption

2011-11-17T16:55:00.002-06:00

Just a quick thing I thought about today.

I love that BF and Brit's father have a relationship. Albeit a manly relationship which includes little talk about feelings, just sports talk and casual interaction.

They text and email each other about Brit's dad's coaching experiences and about football. You know, boy stuff.

But when the going gets tough, it is those two who calm the mommas and work together to figure out a solution. It usually includes a beer, but I love that too. When the going gets tough, they step up.

I don't have to tell BF to be involved. He will make a first move. Now, he doesn't do it often, but that is the difference between an impulsive Lisa and a calculated BF. He shows through actions that he is committed to being a good birthfather to our daughter. She is one of his own, even if she is growing up in another home.

I am lucky that I have a BF in my life who wants to stay connected to his daughter's father. And even more lucky that our daughter has a father who is willing to communicate with us directly.

Men in adoption get very little credit. I am proud of the two men in my adoption relationship. Both of them are willing to show that they love that little girl.

It makes my heart happy. Brit is very lucky.

Open Adoption Blogger Interview Project - November 2011

2011-11-17T09:38:00.000-06:00

I have never done an online interview project before. But for someone who loves to get to know people, this project was amazing. I signed on for the Open Adoption Blogger Interview Project sponsored by Heather at Production Not Reproduction and let me tell you, it was great!

I was matched with a mom who blogs at Sheeps Eating Me. Sheeps Eating Me and her partner are parenting two children with special needs who they adopted through domestic adoptions. One was infant adoption, the other adoption through the foster care system.

Sheeps Eating Me is beautifully flawed, just like all of us and I love how she is honest and forthright. She is also committed to open adoption, even from the foster care system.

Parents who are committed to open adoption are all heroes in my eyes.

Below are the questions I posed to Sheeps Eating Me and her answers. All of you who read my blog know I am wordy, so I apologize in advance for the length of our interview.

I also have highlighted a couple of things that she said that I found incredibly profound. I just love her approach to adoption. It overjoys my heart to see a mother who really gets the spirit of open adoption.

LISA:

I was struck by the following paragraph in one of your posts…

“I suddenly understood that I could never get in the way of my own children having that experience*. I didn’t know yet how I was going to get out of the way (6 years later I’m still learning that) but I was very clear that I would support my children in whatever way they needed to get to see that they smiled just like their own mother.”

*referencing that while sitting across the table from her mother, Sheeps Eating Me realized that they share the same smile

You state that you aren’t sure how you were going to ‘get out of the way’ so your child(ren) could know their own mother. Two parts of that are intriguing to me. First, the getting out of the way idea. And secondly, that you call your son’s birthmother his mother.

Do you find that you still have to make conscious decisions and/or be deliberate to have your son ‘know’ his birthfamily, or has time made this easier with the building of relationships?

SHEEPS EATING ME:

While I think the flow of the relationship is much more natural than it was a few years ago, my son is young enough - and we live far enough away - that we have to be pretty deliberate about making sure he knows his family. We talk about them all the time, and try to make a point of doing it often outside of the context of adoption. So he'll sing a song, and then I'll say "You have a great singing voice. You must have gotten that from Mommy C. - she's a great singer." I hope as he gets older that he'll be able to take more of the initiative, but for now it still needs quite a bit of facilitation. Since we adopted my daughter through foster care a year and a half ago, we have slowly started to open the relationship with her family, and she's young enough that I don't think she's quite getting it yet. My hope is that eventually they will each have independent relationships with their families and I'll be able to take on the role of supporting those relationships in whatever way makes sense.

LISA:

How do you refer to the children’s birth parents? Are you uncomfortable calling them ‘his mother’ or ‘his grandparents’?

SHEEPS EATING ME:
Our congregation has a slogan that reads "say what you mean and mean what you say." We've used that to be very deliberate about what we call all the people involved, and decided that, in talking with our children, there was no need to use names to distinguish legal vs biological relationships. So we talk with our children about how lucky they are to have 3 moms - their Mamadee, their Mama, and Mommy C. or Mommy J. (depending on which of our kids we're talking to).

Sometimes people ask if our children get confused by this, but usually it's the adults who are confused. For the kids, it's just more people around to love them.

LISA:

I have an exceptionally close relationship with my ex-husband’s first wife. It developed while I was married to him. During that time she and I became close friends. We realized that we both loved the same children. She loved my kids just as I loved hers.

I found that there was no rivalry about who was the ‘real mom’ because she and I both trusted the other to support each other. We knew that no matter whose physical custody the child was in, we both would make parenting decisions based on the best for the child.

I never felt like she was resentful of me as the step-mother because I was good about preserving the role of mother for her. While I parented her children (and loved them like my own), I knew she was their mother and I respected her role that way. (I hope that all makes sense. It is a bit wordy and awkward.)

I think I would say we learned a mutual respect for each other and the unique role we each had in the lives of the children we were raising.

I know that adoption is not like step parenting, as the child is not being parented by the biological parent. But I firmly believe there are similarities when it comes to respect and unique roles we each have in the life of the child. With that said…

Do you think that since your children have two mothers in their immediate household it is easier for you to embrace the birthmothers of your children, as you can see how each mother brings something different and unique to the child?

SHEEPS EATING ME:
Yes! Every couple has to work out their roles in a co-parenting relationship, and when there are 2 moms involved, there are some unique aspects of this. So when there are 3 moms there are ways in which it can feel like an extension of that same process. We are 3 very different people, and while I wouldn't want to speak for my son's Mommy C., I can say that both my partner and I have been very aware of the different things the 3 of us bring to our son.

One thing my daughter shares with her mother is that they are both Deaf. While we have and will continue to do everything we can to make sure she grows up feeling part of the Deaf community, we will always be supportive allies - I hope that she'll be able to connect with her mother as someone who shares this really significant piece of her lives. This isn't something we could ever give her.

LISA:

I loved your post about mourning the loss of an idea of what your life or future would have looked like. I find myself having to rewrite my history all the time. And it is very painful some times.

My greatest area of mourning is for the relationship I envision having with my daughter vs. the reality of what is. The following statement from you blog hit me like a ton of bricks.

“I’m trying to forgive myself for mourning, even when it seems pointless. I had a story in my head, and I can’t just let go of it all at once.

I want to learn how to let myself mourn and see the real stuff at the same time.”

I would guess that adoptive parents, even those who do not have a child with special needs, probably deal with the loss of how they thought their family would be created. Even you stated in your blog that you just assumed you would give birth to your first child and adopt subsequent children. You had to process that you would not give birth but would instead create a family through adoption alone.

After years of having to practice mourning and moving forward at the same time (so as not to miss the beauty of today), have you found that it gets easier or is grieving the ‘what could have been’ still just as hard today?

SHEEPS EATING ME:
I am still such a work in process on this one, but yes, it gets easier. As far as adoption goes, once in a while I think about what it might be like to have a child who looks like me, but honestly I have these two lovely streaks of energy moving through my house and my life all day long and I can't possibly imagine loving another being more than I love these two. Any of those fantasies are just passing thoughts. It took me about 2 weeks of real soul-searching before I was able to let go of the fantasy of giving birth to my first child - so that was not a terribly hard one for me, though I know it is for many people.

In terms of parenting children with special needs, it does feel different. I admit that every time one of my children runs up against a new obstacle, I wish their lives were easier. And there are many times, like when we're fighting with a school system over services, when I wish our lives were easier too. This is definitely a place where the grieving is harder for me to let go of - which is kind of ironic, given that we were actually looking for a Deaf child for our second adoption. I was shocked a few months after her placement to realize that I was mourning, because I had walked into the situation with - I thought - my eyes wide open.

LISA:

Do you think that adoptive parents have to do this mourning and moving on more than biological parents just based on the nature of adoption? If so, is there any advice you would give a prospective adoptive parent to prepare them for this?

SHEEPS EATING ME:

I would certainly think that's the case for folks who have dealt with infertility, but not having been through that process I can't really speak to that. One thing I can say about this, having talked with a number of friends who have turned to adoption after infertility, is: you really need to be okay with parenting a child you have no biological connection to. If you're still holding out a secret (or not-so-secret) hope that you'll get and stay pregnant, it's hard to muster the emotional energy you need for an adoption process without getting resentful. There's a real difference between turning whole-heartedly to something that was not your plan A and turning to something as a second choice. You don't ever want your child to feel like they were your second choice.

In terms of open adoption, I think coming to an acceptance of the fact that you will never be your child's only family is really critical. You don't even have to understand everything that means before you adopt (I can't imagine how you would), but I think understanding that different parents play different roles in your child's life, and that this doesn't threaten YOUR connection to your child, is tremendously helpful.

LISA:

You reference how you worry that the last visit you had with your son’s biological family might be the last, so you want to capture every detail of it to share with him. Your statements and actions indicate that you believe that maintaining your children’s biological relationships is critical to your children’s wellbeing. You even mention that you worry that some day it could suddenly end. Obviously you are irrationally committed to open adoption.

Why do you believe that open adoption is so important to for your children?

SHEEPS EATING ME:
I DO feel like maintaining these relationships is critical to my children's well-being, though I want to be clear that I believe that the *spirit* of openness when a truly open relationship is not possible is also important. Throughout adolescence and as an adult, I've been constantly learning new things about different family members that teach me more about myself and help me feel rooted. When my son developed a rash after someone gave him shrimp, the first thing we did was call his mom, who reported that she gets the same rash when she eats shellfish. And when we met my daughter's aunts, they told us that, like my daughter, they all refuse to wear their hearing aids. Of course adoptees can have a similar experience with their adoptive families, since it's not all about nature, but nurture is only part of the story too. Everyone should be able to know who they are and where they came from.

Even beyond that, my wife and I have talked for years about the day when one of our children asks why they're not with their biological family, and we can say "let's call them and talk with them about it." We can talk a blue streak about how much their families love them and why they didn't "keep" them, but I want our children to be able to hear it from their own parents. They deserve that.

LISA:

Do you have boundaries, spoken or unspoken, that you know would cause you to discontinue maintaining a relationship with their birth families? If so, what would those be?

SHEEPS EATING ME:
Safety is the obvious one. My daughter, unlike my son, was removed from her family's care by the foster care system, so we were (and still are) very cautious in our approach to ensure that we were not opening the door to anything unsafe. But given the relationship we've slowly developed with her mom over the past year (on Facebook), we don't have any reason to think that there are safety concerns.

I think when they're little it's easy to tell what's safe. As they get older - particularly if they develop more independent relationships with their families, I imagine it will get a lot harder to ascertain what is safe, and of course we won't have our fingers in every detail the way we do now.

It's very difficult to imagine other reasons to end my children's relationships with any family members by birth or adoption.

LISA:

This is by far my favorite entry that I have read from your blog. I firmly believe these words and thoughts should be shared with every adoptive family. You encapsulate so well how open adoption is a lifelong commitment. The good and the bad. We all must hang in there. For the sake of our children, we cannot throw in the towel. I love these statements…

“The director of the adoption agency said to us: “It’s a long life.” Meaning, in open adoption, things can change. Hang in there. Wait it out.

They feel like family. It hasn’t always been easy to navigate, and there have been times when we couldn’t reach them, times when we went a few months without contact. But for five years, they’ve hung in, and we’ve hung in, and we’ve stopped worrying that they’ll disappear.

We’ve all stopped being afraid of each other. This relationship that I was terrified of in theory – before we did our home study, before we knew anyone living open adoption, before we laid eyes on the people who made us parents – is one of the most gratifying ones I’ve ever had.”

SHEEPS EATING ME:
I love what you wrote here "for the sake of our children we can't throw in the towel." It's almost like an in-law relationship, in that you may adore them, you may hate them, but for better or worse someone you would give your life for came from them. So you make it work because it isn't about you.

Date night with the new old man

2011-11-16T16:40:00.000-06:00

Tonight is the first date night BF and I have had since we reconciled.

I cannot wait. We have talked about it for 2 weeks now.

I'm afraid I may have set the bar high. But this new BF that I am dating, he might just pull it off.

EXCITED!!!!

Brit's OBC

2011-11-15T16:54:00.001-06:00

After Brit was born, I sent off to get her birth certificate. Because adoptions in Kansas are not completely final until 30 days after TPR, I had a short window of opportunity to be legally entitled to it.

So I made my online request and paid the fee.

Around the time she was legally adopted by her parents, I received it in the mail.

Because I did that, my daughter will always have her OBC. No legal system can prevent her from getting it, because I got it for her. Thankfully my state will allow her to get it when she is 18, but if she ever wanted to see if before then, her birthfather and I have it in our hands.

I am so glad I did that. So glad I had the mental clarity during the darkest hours of my life to realize I could and should get her birth certificate.

It now rests protected in BF's safe deposit box. And we have a scanned copy of it too, just in case.

It makes me so happy to look at it and see her name with BF's last name. And to see our names listed as her mother and father.

Looking at it reminds me of the nasty registrar who insisted I give her my last name. BF was sitting right next to me, and she made a big stink about how a baby born to an unwed mother should have the mother's last name.

Thankfully I was not an impressionable teen mother. I looked at her and said that he is her father and we want her to have his last name. I also told her that even though he didn't have to, I wanted him to sign it. I wanted Brit to have both of our signatures on that birth certificate.

She silenced and we filled it out exactly how we wanted it.

So there birth registrar.

It is amazing how much a simple birth certificate document can mean to a person.

Now if only everyone could have access to their OBC...

Unbelievable

2011-11-06T15:28:00.000-06:00

Had a busy weekend enjoying the 'new' relationship with BF. Not sure where he found all of this attentiveness, but I LOVE it. It is like dating a new man, but with 2.5 years of history together. I almost hate to speak of it out loud for fear of jinxing it, but it has been so very nice.

So while sitting at one of D's football games this weekend, I receive a text message with photo from BF. And what is the picture of?... BRIT!

Apparently her dad sent BF this picture of her playing in gma and gpa's backyard. It is adorable. But it is the fact that he sent it that is so overwhelming to me.

Brit's dad was thoughtful enough to send a quick text with a picture of Brit to us, unrequested and unexpected. They have never ever sent us a picture via text before. All of our correspondence has been via email and according to schedule (for the most part).

But yesterday, out of the blue, a cute picture of sweet little Brit playing in the dirt. I wanted to cry tears of joy.

That is exactly what I have wanted. To have the kind of relationship with them that they would automatically thing to share an adorable picture with us, for no other reason than because they know we would love it as much as they do.

Then to top off the evening, we also received an email from Brit's mom with photos of Brit from Halloween. She sent us pictures, not according to schedule, but because she knew we would like to see them, in response to BF's email to them on Halloween. She also sent a nice, quick message.

I cannot describe the joy it brought me.

It is amazing how much peace it also brought my distraught soul. To have an interaction that appears to be friendly and sincere. I can hardly stand how full it makes my heart feel.

Progress, in the right direction for once.

I am so very happy.

This week recap

2011-11-04T14:41:00.001-05:00

This week in bullet points:

BF came out of nowhere and told me he wanted me back and wants to work toward a forever family for all of us. I told him I didn't know if I could or should after all the heartbreak of the last 2.5 years.
I had a great night out with my daughter and her friends for her bachelorette party.
Had a complete meltdown when I realized how hard it was to know that BF was willing to work things out and I was undecided. It tormented me. I decided that giving BF another try is what my heart wants. Had a talk with him and we decided we are both all in. Made my heart happy.
I broke My Guy's heart when I told him I was going to try to work things out with BF. He was devastated. Poor guy. Did nothing wrong, was perfect and attentive. And he still got the shaft. Lots of guilt for me.
LanMan made the middle school basketball team (a big deal here in our little town, 85 tried out, 28 made it)
My son J told me he will never speak to me again because I made the wrong choice by letting My Guy go. He is crazy about him (as are all my kids).
D and mommy had huge fights several days this week and he is grounded from all pleasure activities for the next two weeks.
Got into a verbal fight with the ex-husband about his lack of parenting support. Pretty sure it had zero impact on him. He left for another two week vacation and made the comment that he hoped the boys live through two full weeks with me. I could have kicked him. He never appreciates all the time and energy I put into parenting our boys. He just criticizes.
I made my Brit photo book for Christmas gifts. It made me happy and sad at the same time. Sure wish I knew her more than just through pictures.
Halloween is hard when you miss a child. Sure wish her parents would have sent a picture of her in her costume. BF even sent them a nice note on Halloween telling them to have a great first trick or treat experience with her. He mentioned it would be nice to see a picture of all of them. :(

Looking forward to the weekend and next week being full of more joy than heartache.

Halloween

2011-11-01T17:07:00.002-05:00

Not many more kiddo Halloweens for me. Some moms would be sad about that. I am delighted to think I will no longer have to spend money on a one time use costume.

L and D trick or treated with BF's kids. They had a great time. L and BF's oldest son conspired their costumes together a few weeks ago. They looked adorable.

BF's son and L as Mario and Luigi

L and D - brotherly love

BF's youngest son, D and their friend Jack

Even little Princess was trick or treating last night. Her momma used the costume I borrowed for her. She was a hit.

Added 11/7/11

Just had to add Brit in her costume to my Halloween picture collection - even though we didn't see her that night. We did get a follow up photo the week later. She is so stinkin' cute!

What does a girl do?

2011-11-01T14:58:00.000-05:00

Crazy stuff presents itself to me. Crisis and conflict seem to be my companion. I am sure my counselor has a diagnosis for that and I would guess it is a disorder of some type.

So today (when I am in a good place mentally, for whatever reason), I have decided to pick up my bag full of crisis and conflict and carry it with me on this journey called life.

An update:
Things are going really well with My Guy (thank you blog friends for naming him). He is attentive, kind and my kids still love him. He spends every waking minute with us. It is so nice having someone who is head over heels crazy about me.

Pretty sure any girl who was in this relationship would be spinning in love.

But not this girl. Oh no. We can't have a nice, normal fellow courting me. That would be simple. Down right boring.

We need to sprinkle in a healthy dose of tragedy or unresolved conflict.

And like every good story reads, the plot must develop and take an unexpected turn...

How about a sordid history? Add unrequited love too. Yes, that would work.

Real momma, daughter and ex-step momma

Saturday night I went to my daughter's bachelorette party. Super fun. I went with her 'real' mom (I was her step mom). We had a blast. Two 40 year old women and eight 23 year old girls. It was awesome.

My Guy met me downtown after 11pm. Really hit it off with my daughter and between the two of them, they enjoyed many drinks together.

My Guy and me at the bar

So I drive him home back to my house where he decides to spill his whole life story to me (at 3am). Amazing what too much alcohol will do to you. He talked without ceasing for 2 hours. Not even kidding.

Here is what I learned. He has been in jail. Yes jail. For 3 years. Yes, 3 YEARS! He got into a fight (apparently he has gotten into many fights), and he harmed someone very badly. Fortunately it was not permanent, but it could have been devastating.

He was a model prisoner and now speaks about violence and consequences to students. He was released from jail and immediately resumed his coaching position at a local community college. Seems his home town felt he was rehabilitated.

That was 11 years ago.

Tell me, what does a girl do with that kind of information?

Gut reaction...RUN.

Intellectual reaction: Use compassion and know that I have made poor decisions in the past too. He has paid his penalty and is a better person because of it. He seems to be a very good man. He has gotten into no trouble since then and was even married to a woman who is in the corrections line of work. She believed he was different. Enough so that she married him. Is this mine to judge?

I also understand that having a father who was a professional fighter in Las Vegas probably played a big part in his fighter mentality during those years. He had seen it modeled. Not trying to justify, but it helps me understand why he may have been that way.

But still. It is lingering in the back of my mind.

Now to back track. BF came over Friday night while I was cleaning house. It was totally unexpected. He just chatted with me while I was doing dishes.

Then he says "I wanted to come over and talk to you about something."

I could tell it was getting deep, fast.

Reader.s Dig.est version, he has thought about it and he thinks he might be ready to really give this commitment thing a shot.

Remembering the good times

I was crushed. I have finally gotten to a place where I was going to try to move on. Let my heart be available to another man.

And BF walks in and the wound reopens.

I still love him. ALOT. He has an incredibly huge piece of my heart that I have never taken back.

Gut reaction: Tell him yes, I'm in, and send MG packing (remember, this conversation with BF happened before the newsflash about the time in jail).

Intellectual reaction: Question why it has taken losing me 3 times to get him to this place. And wonder if this is really a turning point, or if he is just lonely without me.

Note: BF would be on a top 10 list somewhere of guys least likely to be considered a player. He is about as sincere and honest as they come. He just has TERRIBLE commitment issues. So that is not why he would be coming back to me now. He has no intentions of dating anyone else and hasn't in all the times we have been apart.

So I told him I needed to think about it. Because I wasn't sure my heart could handle it again. The idea of opening myself back up to him and for the end result to be the same (I love you, but I can't bear the thought of blending our families.).

Then Saturday happened.

Sunday I was in a trance. Wounded to my core. Confused and conflicted.

Yesterday I was supposed to trick or treat with BF and all of our kids while my oldest son went to an NFL game with My Guy.

But that afternoon, BF sends me an email telling me that he needs space from me and he would prefer I just drop the kids off to him and he will bring them back home to me.

I felt like I was taking punches left and right.

So what do I do? Start crying. Without ceasing. Enough that my young children even showed me compassion. (Interestingly, their first question was "Is this because you miss Brit?")

So now I am here.

I want BF back. I want my life back. The life that I thought I would always have with him. I want the story that I had written in my head that included the two of us getting old together.

However, he will never be attentive like MG. In 2.5 years, BF has never shown me as much attention and affection as MG has in the past 3 weeks. MG is crazy about me and would take a bullet for me right now. He doesn't need time to think about it. He isn't worried that it might be too hard to have a blended family. He simply knows he is crazy about me and he would do anything to keep me and make it work.

So what does a girl do?

This girl gets another Diet Coke and keeps a tissue box close. And emails BF and tells him she wants him back. (Please don't judge, I love him and can't imagine life without him.)

My letter to BF was followed by a returned email that said he cannot deal with my email right now because he had computer problems and work and has to restore his system. He cannot put the effort into a response to me while he is dealing with a work crisis.

Back to the Diet Coke and tissues. And reading text messages that are coming in left and right from MG, telling me how much he thinks about me and how special I am.

Twisted. This little world I live in.

Someone please save me from myself.

Looking for a name

2011-10-26T15:18:00.001-05:00

New Guy has made his way into the hearts of my boys. They are crazy about him. After last weekend when New Guy and his 3 year old son spent two days with us, they became huge New Guy fans. And mommy is just as smitten.

I love feeling appreciated. He talks to me. Like girls talk to each other. It is crazy. I didn't think guys like this existed in the single male world. He wants to spend time with me and the boys (we have yet to have an alone date!). He has said to me that he wants to just come alongside me and be part of my world, whatever that entails. Really?!?!

So I need a name for this guy here in blogland. I have been thinking about it on and off for days.

Surely something will come to me soon. I need to find a name soon because he has already done so many blog worthy acts that I would love to start posting about how he has made my life so much more full.

Picture taken this weekend at a Halloween event. Typical of my crazy life. Little Princess on my lap, New Guy's son with my LanMan. Our idea of a great Saturday night date.

Hmm..... the thinking continues.

Did I forget to mention something?

2011-10-20T14:39:00.001-05:00

This is a non-adoption related post. But for those of you who are also navigating the single person world, and even those who aren't, this is just a story that makes you wonder, "What WAS he thinking?..."

I work in a building that has a community fitness center (similar to a YMCA). Each day for about the last 3 months I have happened to come in around the same time as one of the men who works out here. We casually talk to each other. He is really friendly, attractive and easy to talk to.

Lately he has stopped me and talked to me longer than he used to. Making more of an effort to get my attention and when we do talk it is for longer amounts of time. We have talked about our divorces, my kids, being a firefighter (he is one, I used to be married to one), and just general life.

Last week I had a message on my office phone. It was this guy. The message said "Lisa, this is Mark the firefighter. Just thought I would leave you my cell number in case you might like to text me some time."

I thought, why not. He seems really nice and I talk to him all the time. Give it a shot.

We text messaged until late last Friday night. He was on duty at the fire department. We got to the point where we were finishing our conversation for the night. And Mark typed "Have a great weekend."

Which I thought was a little weird. Usually when a guy is first interested in a girl he doesn't text her all day long one day and not at all for two more days. Unless he just didn't like her that much.

I just let it go. I was busy all weekend.

He was on duty again Monday and starting early that morning, he began texting again. We talked all day long into the night.

Tuesday came around and we talked at length in the fitness center. We also exchanged texts throughout the daytime. He asked me if I could get off work early and go for a motorcycle ride with him. Obviously that was impractical, but I thanked him. Then, the text messages stopped coming in the late afternoon.

Today he is back on duty and of course what do I get? An early morning text message.

So I decided, I am going to call him out on this strange pattern of texting. Below is the exchange that happened between us.

Lisa:

So I just want to ask a question that has been on my mind since we stated talking. I notice that we talk all day and evening when you are on duty. But when you are off, we only talk during times when people would normally be at work. Which makes me curious of your relationship status. Is this just coincidental or is this true because you are currently in a relationship with someone?

Mark:

I ask that you read all of my answer before judging me. I am married. I am sorry if I led you to think otherwise. It was not my intention to deceive you. I like talking to you and that is why I asked if you would like to text. I believe that a man and woman can have a healthy platonic relationship. You made the statement that your firefighter fantasy was over. I was not looking for anything more than your friendship. If you choose not to continue texting I will understand. I will be sad. I hope you are not angry with me.

Lisa:

No. Not angry at all. My best friends are men. I have plenty of experience with relationships like that. My issue is with how I am perceived when I have a friendship with a man outside of his wife's knowledge. I am not exactly the kind of girl that a wife likes her husband 'just chatting' with. I know better.

That just helps me understand the boundaries of our relationship. I can handle that.

Thank you for your honesty. I don't like finding those things out later. I wish you would have been forthright with that part of your life. I DO think it was purposely omitted. But I can get past that.

Mark:

I guess I could have come right up to you, shook your hand, introduced myself and said "my name is Mark and I would like to text you, oh, by the way, I am married". Hmmm...I guess I could have done that. :-)

Lisa:

Or maybe in the course of conversation you could have mentioned your wife or family as a way of giving a social cue that you are married. That way I could have better determined if I was OK with continuing a relationship with you that was past casual and moved more toward friendship. Now I DO feel purposely deceived even though you never lied to me. Generally not an advisable way to make a new friend. Just sayin'

Mark:

I am truly sorry. I never meant to deceive you.

Lisa:

I also forgive easily and quickly.

Mark:

Like I have mentioned before, you are a special person.

OK people. FOR REAL!!!! I am not an idiot. It was clear from his texts up until today that he was making insinuations that were beyond friendship. Talking about hugging me, asking me yesterday if I could leave work early and go for a ride with him on his motorcycle. Just looking for a new friend?.... Do I have stupid written on my forehead?

I wish I could call his wife and tell her. But no good would come from that. And I feel dirty and guilty even though I didn't do anything wrong, except believe that I was talking to a single man.

Ah yes, the joys of being a single woman.

So glad the other suitor has turned out to be a wonderful man. I am looking forward to getting to know him even better. I am 100% sure he is not married. Lol!

Closing that chapter, and turning the page

2011-10-19T17:19:00.000-05:00

BF and I had a conversation the other night. Most of it was about our relationship and where it is and where it is going.

Without airing our laundry, the ultimate result was that we agreed that friendship was where our relationship will stand for the future.

It was freeing for me. I have hung on to a glimmer of hope for nearly two and a half years. Hope is gone. I am free to move on.

While we haven't been a couple for some time now, we do everything together and we are best of friends. Which complicates the emotions for a girl. I never really disconnected, because I didn't have to.

But I am ready to move on with my life now. So I had to be clear. I wanted to say the words and hear him say them back to me. No lingering questions. Relationship defined.

So now I can move on without guilt or the slight thought that maybe some day it will be different.

What brought all of this to a head was that I have a suitor who has been standing at the sidelines. He has been a friend to me, but I could tell he wished he could have a chance to be more than a friend.

There was no way that I was going to even consider embarking on any type of relationship with someone else until I was certain my heart was ready to move on. Especially not him. He is ready to be emotionally available to someone. He has been clear that he hoped it would be me. It would not have been fair to be guarded with my heart because part of it still belonged to BF.

The conversation with BF and me made me certain that I am ready. I shed no tears (until we talked about Brit, which will be another post). I was matter of fact, and although I am a little ashamed to admit it, I was relieved that life long friendship was his answer.

Because I am ready for more. Ready for someone who is excited about being with me. Someone who wants to be more than just a good friend.

So, when the new suitor asked me when we might be able to get together, my answer was how about tomorrow. His response, I can't wait! (He is excited to spend time with me, what a novel idea!)

Flowers he sent me last week when I was sick.

We have had our first date, strangely enough we were joined by my 18 year old son. And all three of us had a blast.

I feel joy in my heart. And I think I like it.

LisaAnne, happy.

PS - He knows about Brit. He gets it. He has a first mother and foster parents. What a blessing.

It's all perspective

2011-10-12T18:17:00.000-05:00

This blog is written by a birthmother who wants a fully open adoption.

Therefore many of my followers are birthmothers or adoptive parents who support open adoption. A few are adoptees who help me with perspective.

Irregardless of your role, you are all so good to me. You have supported me through really tough patches. You encourage me. And many of you pray for me, some daily!

Thank you dear blog friends.

But today I feel a heavy conviction on my heart about defending Brit's parents and their character.

I hope that I have never written things that would make them seem like bad people. Because they aren't. I chose them to parent my child. I picked them because I thought they would be awesome parents to my daughter. Since the adoption happened, things have changed. Things I desperately wish were different. Things that I continue to think will change with time (hopefully less time rather than more).

So today I am reminding myself (and sharing with you) why I chose Brit's parents in the first place.

When we were choosing parents for our precious child, BF and I had a few things that were important to us. They included:

A married couple who had not yet had or adopted any children (Although we hoped they would be able to adopt more children some day).
We wanted them to be youthful so they could enjoy being a first time parent with an active child.
We wanted them to live near us. (That was an ambiguous term because we weren't sure how close, but we knew we wanted them to be within a drive).
I absolutely had to choose a Christian couple. This was non-negotiable to me.

Some of the reasons we chose them specifically to parent our child included:

They are a Christian couple with an active faith.
They love each other and seem to have a strong marriage based on faith and mutual respect of each other.
They were young and full of energy to devote to a child.
They are a couple of average financial means. Not wealthy. Just working middle-class. Like Brit's BF and I are.
They live geographically close (really close) to me and Brit's BF. This was important to us because we wanted Brit to grow up having similar experiences as her brothers. We felt like living in the same community would give them all commonality.
They have a strong tie to their families. Brit's father's parents live down the street from them. Close enough that Brit can walk to grandma and grandpa's house.
They seemed to share similar parenting philosophy with us. Easy going about most things, but with loving guidance.

But more than all of that, when we met them and talked to them, we liked them. They were people we wanted to be friends with. They are funny. They were real around us. It was like meeting a new couple that you hope you can stay friends with because the guys get along and the girls get along.

I felt that when we were with them. I wanted to share the rest of my life with them. Which I knew was what would happen when they adopted our child. We would be forever connected.

Adoption happened and things changed. Our relationship disintegrated because we didn't know how to navigate through open adoption once we were faced with it as a reality and not a concept.

But I do not believe their character changed. I still believe that they are good people who truly believe they are making the best decisions for their family.

You all get to hear my inner thoughts on a routine basis. Brit's mother doesn't. (Unless she reads this blog, which I hope she does.) So I don't know if she truly understands how badly I long for a relationship with her and with Brit. (I would like to think I have been extremely clear about this, but I will again give the benefit of the doubt.)

We all act and react using what we know and what we believe to be the best decision based on the information we have. Sometimes we make decisions based on what hurts the least.

I think this is where they are at. I don't know. Adoption was harder than they expected. I get that. I am living those feelings too.

But here is some perspective I have been trying to give myself lately.

What if I had been a birthmother who needed space and didn't want to have any interaction with my daughter's adoptive parents right now because it was too hard?

Should I have been expected to have visits with Brit, even if my pain was so great that I didn't think I could live through it?

I would guess most people would say no, I should have had the option to wait until my heart had healed more. (I would hope that many of you would have also said to me that I should reconsider that decision. Even though I might have felt like a relationship and/or visits would have been hard, it would be worth it for the sake of my daughter's long-term well being.)

So am I extending enough grace to parents who might be feeling the same way?

I would like to think that I am. Some days better than others.

Truthfully they have not cut me out of her life. They do send monthly emails with pictures and stories. That is a blessing.

We are two couples with a difference of perspective on open adoption. They have even said to me before that while they know I believe a more open adoption would be beneficial, they know other people who think they are being more than generous by including me in Brit's life with what they do provide. (I promise I did not scream out loud when that was said to me - just in my head. I did cry a little harder after it was said.)

They are hearing things every day too. Apparently we are not listening to the same people. So the information they are using to base their decisions of openness on are nothing like the information I have from those of you who are living beautiful (not necessarily easy) fully open adoptions.

I get the impression that they see open adoption as information sharing. I see it as a living relationship.

I sure do wish there was a way to get all the hurt and pain out of the way here. I want us to come to a place where all of our action put Brit's relationship with both of her families, birth and adopted, at the forefront of the adults decisions.

Now, how to get everyone on the same page?...

Lunch with the boys at school

2011-10-12T16:36:00.000-05:00

Over the past week I have had lunch with my two youngest boys at each of their schools. Here are some fun pictures that show that I am not a sad melancholy momma. I can be fun too!

Mom and D. Really he does like me, just not in front of his friends.

D and his friends.

Mom eating LanMan's ice cream.

Lisa eating BF's son's pizza. (He is the same age as LanMan and goes to the same school.)

Why can't I call her my sister?

2011-10-11T10:53:00.000-05:00

We put together a Halloween care package for Brit this past week. It is also her mom's birthday, so we thought a package with a gift for the mom and Halloween treats for Brit would be fun.

The package has a Halloween treat bucket, iced animal cookies, 2 tutus, a soft crown, a couple of glow wands, a Halloween book, a Halloween movie and a custom made funky dress up cape. Nothing expensive, just fun holiday things that a child could enjoy. We hope she will have a start on a dress up box that she can play with all year round.

When I had the cape made for her, I asked the person making it to embroider their last name so Brit's little sister could wear it too someday. I want to be sensitive to including the new siblings when I send things (although right now they have no understanding as they are only 4 months old).

BF went to the mall and got some smell good lotions from the popular store that sells those things. He did a great job of picking out a package for Brit's mom. I was terribly proud of him. Usually that is my job. But he wanted to do it this time.

I got the cards.

One for Brit for Halloween. One for the twins first Halloween. One for Brit's mom's bday. One for Brit's dad's bday (we don't know when his bday is, so we are just sending him one with hers so he isn't left out). And a hilarious Halloween card for Brit's parents.

On Sunday, we had all of our boys together. So we had them all sign Brit's Halloween card. My two older boys did a good job, said I love you or Happy Halloween and signed their names. Then Little D got the pen. Immediately he signs "I love you Sissy".

Ugh.

Brit is his sister. He calls her that. He claims her on family trees. He tells the world that he has the family that lives with us plus he has a baby sister who was adopted. (Generally adding that he is mad that mom did that because he wanted to keep her. :gulp:)

But what he did scared me. How would Brit's parents handle that? Would it cause an even greater rift between us?

We claim Brit as one of our own at my house. Her picture is up on the wall with the 3 boys. A stranger walking into my home would assume I have 4 children living there. She is no secret.

But Brit's parents don't know that.

Of course they don't. They have never been over to our home. They have never allowed Brit to meet the boys. (They specifically asked we not include them in that 2 hour birthday visit in March. They thought it would overwhelm her.)

They have no idea how these boys feel about the sister they cannot see.

But D just put it out there.

So what did I do? I panicked.

I looked at D and using my calm, level headed voice I said "I think we might not want to add the word sissy because it could hurt Brit's parent's feelings."

He looked at me. I am pretty sure I could tell you what he was thinking. And even if he wasn't, I was.

He has watched me sob, he has seen me depressed. And he knows it is because I miss having a relationship with Brit and her family.

But when it comes down to it, Brit's parents' feelings take precedence over ours. Every time. Trumped.

He looked at me, looked back down at the card and scratched out Sissy. He turned it into a smiling ghost face. Without a word to me.

I am not proud of what I made him do.

I wish it was different.

But I have to be careful. I have to be sensitive. I cannot do anything to jeopardize the relationship that I hope to have some day.

I do not like the person I have become, but I will do anything to preserve the hope that someday this will be different. Self sacrificing included.

How we got here

2011-09-23T16:21:00.004-05:00

A couple of times people have asked me if I have contacted my agency or social worker about acting as a liaison to help me with my desire for more contact with Brit's family.

The answer is no. Simply because we don't have either. Brit's parents and I were matched privately, through a mutual friend. All of our interaction was on our own terms. Completely unfacilitated. We had an attorney draw up the paperwork, but that was just a quick meeting.

As far as the "open adoption agreement", we don't have one. And even if we did, our state does not enforce them. All open adoptions are left to the adoptive parents to honor if they so choose. Even if it is written in some type of document, it is unenforceable, because birthparents have no rights. They are terminated immediately and irrevocably in the State of Kansas.

But following is how we got to where we are today.

(If you are Brit's family or friends of them, please do not take offense. This is my perspective. My story. And completely one-sided I'm sure. It is definitely skewed because of my emotional involvement. There is absolutely no way I can be objective. Please accept my apology if the following is offensive to you. It is not inteded to be.)

When we were choosing adoption for Brit, none of us had been down this path. Our families had little or no experience with it. My first husband was adopted in a closed adoption and has no desire to seek his birthfamily. I have a friend who has an adopted son who does not have any relationship with his birthfamily. I don't think Brit's parents knew anyone who had adoption experience. We were all far from experts.

Brit's mom and I did some online research and read some books. But to be honest, not nearly enough reading and research. It was only after Brit's birth and my complete disintegration as a person that I researched intensively.

My statement to them during my pregnancy was that I thought we would just let it go and see how our open adoption developed. I never wanted to intrude on their life with this child. I wanted them to feel like they were the parents. I expected that we would continue our friendship and interaction that we had developed during the pregnancy. We never talked about visits or had a formal plan. We talked about it being child driven.

You see, while I was pregnant, we talked all the time. On the phone, in person and via email. Brit's mom went to every single doctor's appt with me. I included her on everything. I shared when Brit started to kick (we matched very early in the pregnancy), when she was giving me fits at night and we always talked about the silly hiccups she constantly had.

We went to dinner a couple of times with Brit's parents. We were great friends.

We didn't make a plan, because honestly I never ever dreamed I would need one.

I had made a new friend. She seemed like she was one of my sisters. We got along great. There was absolutely nothing that made me think that would ever change.

At the end of the pregnancy I did say to Brit's mom that I would love for all of us to have a get together before school started again in fall (Brit was born in March). I thought it would be neat to have Brit and her family get together with us and our families. Brit's mom never indicated that she had no intentions of that ever happening. (Looking back now, I think she never intended to get together. But I don't think she was going to say that to me at that point.)

I should have realized that Brit's mom might not be fully open with me when she declined my two FB friend requests while I was pregnant. I never said anything to her about it, because I wanted to respect her privacy. But looking back now I wonder if that should have given me an indication that my interaction with her was always going to be limited. And please don't take this as any kind of accusation. I know she chooses to be private, so I let it go. Not everyone likes to be friends with everyone they know on FB. So I justified her actions with regard to this both then and still today.

During the hospital stay after Brit was born, we had her parents stay at the hospital with us. The first night BF and I kept Brit. The second night they kept her. Their family came in and out of my hospital room all the time. We even all had a pizza party. Me in all of my post-partum glory hosting a family get together with Brit's parent's families. Brothers, sisters, and parents. They were all there. It felt like we were all in this together. I was happy. This is exactly how I envisioned our relationship. One big extended family all loving one child.

The last day there, we didn't even have Brit's pictures taken by the photographer because BF and I said we would just let her parents have the pictures taken by their friend. We figured we would get some. (We got some emailed to us of a photo shoot that they did with her that didn't work out too well. But never received any actual pictures ever. If you can't tell this is something I regret deeply. I have never had a professional photo of Brit and I would sure love to have one.)

So we left the hospital, they thanked us for Brit, gave each of us a gift and we parted ways at the front door.

Not another text message. Not a phone call.

When I couldn't stand it anymore and I sent an email to Brit's mom the first of May (Brit was about 6 weeks old).  She replied and it was nice. She included a couple of pictures of them at home with baby.

A couple of weeks later, I got us the courage to ask if Brit's mom in an email if I could meet her for lunch with Brit some day before she had to go back to work. That is when she emailed back and said she didn't mean to be disrespectful, but they weren't comfortable with that yet.

That was one of the very worst days of my life.

I left work, went home and cried hysterically. The kind of sobs that shake your entire soul. My best friend lives about 40 minutes away and she drove in to hold me. It makes me cry right now remembering that day.

That was the beginning of when I really recognized that we were purposely being kept at a distance. Without going back and recalling the exact timeline of how things happened, the basics of what happened after that are:

In September, (Brit was 6 months old) I completely lost my mind because I was getting less and less interaction from Brit's parents (they didn't reply to monthly email exchanges, they would just send an update and even if I asked a follow up, Brit's mom wouldn't reply). So one night I sent an email to Brit's dad and asked what I had done that had kept Brit's mom from emailing me. She used to be the one who talked to me all the time and then the updates stopped coming from her and started coming from him instead. It was blatantly obvious that she had stopped interacting with me.

He called me the next morning and it was a real eye opener. I found out that Brit's mom was dealing with infertility grief, a struggle with feeling like she was completely bonding with Brit as her mom, and the crushing idea that Brit might be their only child. He said that they had found themselves very protective of Brit.

It was after that phone conversation with Brit's dad that I realized that I was just going to have to wait until they were comfortable with being Brit's parents before they would ever consider any kind of personal interaction with us again. BF and I offered counseling for all four of us and they declined.

I also received an email back from Brit's mom (in response to my email to them about why I was no longer being interacted with) and I found out how pictures I was sending her of my kids and me made her realize Brit looks like me and it upset her. It was that day that I realized that my new interaction with them would include them emailing me when they wanted to, and I was no longer free to share pictures of our family back with them. (Another heartbreak)

HYSTERIA ensued. Privately of course.  And it lasted weeks. I was debilitated with grief. Completely lacking hope.

Looking back now, I also realize they were actively pursuing pregnancy at this point.

From that point forward I promised to not ask again to see Brit. But I was very clear that I desperately wanted a visit with her and if there was ever a day or opportunity I would immediately be open to it.

It was then that I tried to stop focusing on what I didn't have and instead be a bigger person. I sent a birthday gift to Brit's mom in October. I just waited for them to email me (always on the 25th). I replied kindly, without pictures and always thanked them for continuing to share.

In November, a day before I would have normally received my monthly email, I emailed Brit's dad (who I was primarily corresponding with at this point) and I shared with him information about the benefits of open adoption and why I thought Brit and our families would benefit from more openness. He thanked me and told me he would consider it. That was the extent of that conversation.

For Christmas, BF and Brit's dad got together and had a drink and BF gave him our gifts for Brit. I got a nice email back from Brit's mom a couple of days later saying Brit loved the gifts. This was particularly hard for me as I know that Brit is only 10 minutes away. But I can't take her a Christmas present. I had to have my BF meet up in a private meeting with Brit's dad for the gift exchange.

Monthly emails came in Jan and Feb. Finally, March 7th (yes I know the day), Brit's dad emailed and said they were ready for us to have a visit with Brit for about 2 hours. We worked out the details and finally on March 20th (THE BEST DAY EVER), Brit and her parents came over to BF's house and stayed for 2 hours. It was that day that we first realized they were pregnant (with twins).  Something they had never shared that with us up to that point. I found out by seeing her walk in the front door with a distinctively pregnant tummy.  She was about 6 months pregnant at that time.

Right after our visit, Brit's parents were somehow turned on to my blog. After reading it, they were upset and wanted to meet with us. Not even BF knew about my blog so I am still not sure who told them, but it completely doesn't matter anymore.

We met at a restaurant just the four of us and discussed how I really wanted more interaction with them. They said that they had never considered a relationship like that with us but they would think about it. That was the last face to face (or phone) interaction I have had with them.

I continue to send Mothers/Fathers Day cards, and we even sent a 4th of July care package for Brit (she had just become a big sister at the end of June, so we wanted to send her something special).

To this day, we continue to receive monthly emails. We do not receive phone calls, cards or anything else. No mothers day, fathers day, birthday or any other acknowledgement. But I have gotten past that, and I am OK with it being one sided.

I don't want to stop doing those things because I consider them friends. They may not share the same sentiments, but I have had to come to terms with that. I decided that I wasn't going to let that change how I feel and acted toward them.

So there you have it.

We live 10 minutes away, but are continents away in our desires for our open adoption relationship.

My counselor who I see regularly keeps reminding me that HOW THINGS ARE TODAY IS NOT NECESSARILY HOW THEY WILL BE FOREVER. So I am holding to the hope that as time goes on, this will get better. And hopefully easier.

And I know that absolutely none of this takes any of THEIR feelings into consideration. I cannot even speak to that because I am not them, and I don't know what they are really thinking or feeling. We don't have that kind of relationship so I just have to speculate.

After re-reading all I have typed here, I also realize I have not given justice to the kindness I receive from Brit's parents in their email correspondence with me. Brit's father is particularly kind and gentle with me. I have spoken to this before. The man who makes my adoption bearable It is very appreciated. But both of them are always kind and seem to understand I am dealing with grief.

So there you have it. How we got here. I own my part by not being clear from the beginning about what I wanted post adoption to look like. I had no idea. And they had no idea how they would feel post-adoption either. We had no way to know what was about to hit all of us. If only we had.

So for those who ask if I am angry because Brit's parents haven't honored our open adoption agreement, that is not true because we didn't have one. We just had a relationship. A relationship that wasn't ready for the pressure that was about to ensue. No one has 'changed their mind' about our adoption openness, because it was never defined prior to birth.

Prospective birthmother's reading this - PLEASE DON'T MAKE THIS MISTAKE! Potential adoptive parents, please realize that no matter what a birthmom says right now, she may want and need visits more than once a year or whatever else you all think will be just fine. And if you remain flexible, it might just be the greatest gift you could give your child.   A real relationship with his/her birthfamily.

So moving on...

Now I am ready to start the chapters about how we progressed from the history to the happier ending.

Two years ago today

2011-09-22T14:45:00.001-05:00

Obviously this is not me on the phone and there was no
hot man in the waiting room as I made my call.

Two years ago today I was sitting in the hospital with my youngest son as he battled some undiagnosed virus. He was very sick and it just had to run its course.

I was tired, pregnant and still reeling from all the decisions I had made and still had to make regarding this unplanned pregnancy (which at that point was still a secret to everyone but me and BF). Top that off with 3 days in the hospital with a sick child, and an ex-husband who was in and out of the hospital with us, I was a bit frazzled.

But it was this exact day two years ago, I had a very important call to make. And I knew that it could not wait any longer. So I excused myself from my child's room, went to the waiting room and called Brit's future parents.

I got her mom on the phone and apologized for the late phone call (we had promised to call them on Monday and this was a Tuesday). Her mom had a serious apprehension in her voice as she graciously accepted my call being a day late because of D's illness. But I knew that all she could think about was that I was about to either make her the happiest future mommy or a devastated hopeful parent still wondering how their family would be built.

When I uttered the words that BF and I had chosen them to be parents for our child she almost came through the phone. She said that when we didn't call on Monday they had prepared themselves for the fact that we must not have chosen them since up to that point we had always followed through when we told them we would.

I remember her excitement continue to rise as it started to sink in and she said "I have to call (my husband)! I am going to get ahold of his principal because I have to tell him right now even if he is teaching! I have to tell him right now! He is going to be so excited!"

It is amazing how it brings a smile to my face even as I type that right now. The unbelievable joy in her voice. The way the words that I had just spoken had given her a hope that she had not had for years.

Two years ago today.

Give me a chance.

2011-09-20T13:50:00.000-05:00

Lisa loving on Princess

You might recall that I keep a baby every weekend. I refer to her as Princess here in the blog land. She is the daughter of a friend of mine who originally planned adoption for her child, but decided to parent instead. I have felt a strong sense of commitment to this little girl because I know how much support her momma needs to be able to make this all work out. I am glad that by my little bit of weekend childcare, I am able to help her parent.

Selfishly, I am glad that my support has helped her not have to deal with the birthmother grief that I have.

So all around, our relationship is very symbiotic. Princess needs care, I have love and care to give.

Most of the time I don't find myself comparing or associating Princess with Brit. At least not consciously. They look nothing alike and I am so busy when I am caring for her, I don't have much time to reflect.

But this weekend was a bit different for me. Princess is developing a personality. She is 9 months old and changing so quickly. She scoots across the floor, crawling sometimes, just scooting most of the time. She pulls herself up and is so proud to be standing.

I found myself thinking about how Brit was walking at 9 months (just like I did as a child). I wondered what Brit's personality was like at 9 months. Did she like the same silly things that Princess does? What did her laugh sound like? What does it sound like when she says mama?

I missed it all. I gave it away. I will never know.

(Yes, hateful anonymous commenter, I know that was the default I chose when I chose adoption. No need to point it out. I'll save you the time it takes to comment by acknowledging it right off the bat.)

So back to time with Princess. While I have her, I take tons of pictures. I send them to her mom's phone while she is at work so she can see her precious little girl during her breaks. I also take videos of her doing random things (first time on the sit 'n' spin, finding a milk jug and playing with it like a toy, laughing at the boys, etc.). I want her momma to know that she is happy. I also want to share these moments with her momma because she is her daughter. She should get to enjoy those moments even if she can't be there. I want to make sure it is just like she was there with us.

Being a birth mom, I am pretty sure I am hyper sensitive in this area. But looking back, I have been this way with my nephews too. I have always loved taking cute pictures or retelling cute stories to their parents of the little things that they did while mom and dad were gone.

Reflecting on my actions with Princess, I definitely think I am emulating the behavior I wish I was receiving.  The joyful sharing of a child.

I make sure I take picture of Princess wearing the new outfit her grandma in California bought her, so her mom can forward them. I try to be thoughtful about what things her mom might like to see or share with the rest of their family. I want to be a blessing to them by being there and loving a child that they wish they could care for, but circumstances have kept them from being physically present.

I am thankful that I get pictures of Brit once a month. Pictures that I spend countless hours inspecting, looking for every detail I can possibly see. I wonder what that bit of food was on her cheek. Or what it looks like to see her run in the backyard like they say she does.

Secretly I wish they would occasionally send a picture of her playing with the toys we sent, or the gifts we put much thought and consideration into as we chose them for her. Because we don't get time with her, the only way we can show our love to her is by sending gifts that we hope will bring her joy.  I also think that if they sent pictures like that, it would make me feel like what we try to do for her matters. That they recognize it and appreciate it. It might make me feel like we matter.

Every day I obsess about seeing her again. I want to physically hold her. Hear her voice. See her play. Even listen to her whine.

I try to fight off the icky thoughts.  The ones that come into my head and cause me to focus on what I don't have, versus what I do have.

I think about how I am a perfectly trustworthy person who not only cares for my own children, but someone who cares for someone else's child. I am seemingly normal, well-adjusted and the only addiction I have is to Diet Coke.

Yet, I am not worthy of a relationship with the child I carried for 9 months. The child whose future I wanted to include two married parents. The child I chose parents for so she could have more than I thought I had to offer. (oh, to go back and talk to that Lisa...)

Now, I am kept at a respectable distance. Sure, I get pictures and an email update. But there are no phone calls, no continuation of the relationship that we had prior to birth.

I know that I could handle boundaries. When Princess's mom comes to pick her up on Sunday nights, I hand her over with no hesitation. I don't have any 'crazy' in me that wants to keep her. I respect my role in Princess's life. I love her while she is with me, but she has a momma to whom she needs to be with.

I read today on another blog that adoptive parents in open adoptions are reminded by couselors that there may be times when birthmother will need to pull back and can't have a close realtionship with their child. And I see blogs where adoptive mothers are so sad that birthmoms have distanced themselves.

And then there's me.

Waiting. Wishing. Hoping. Crying. Praying. Crying. Longing. Crying. And still holding on to hope.

Silently screaming "Give me a chance to prove to you that I can be a loving part of this child's life without being a threat."

I want a chance. I want a relationship. I don't just want to be the recipient of a scrapbook.

What is on the sign you wear?

2011-09-09T10:37:00.001-05:00

I remember a sermon one time where my pastor was talking about how he wished that our sins were written on signs that hung around our necks. Everyone's deepest darkest secret right there, the first thing you see.

"I lie"
"I talk about people behind their back"
"I am having sex with someone I work with"
"I am addicted to porn"
"I gamble"
"I hit someone I say I love"

You get the idea. All of the dirt that we work so hard to hide. The secrets that we keep while we walk around acting like we are fine upstanding Christians.

Because you see, it's the Christians who would be bothered most by these signs.

Society would accept many (not all) of these sins as just our free choice. I can do what I want, when I want, as long as I am happy.

Now, listening to that sermon, I was appalled. I was probably about 18 years old at that time. And let me tell you, I had PLENTY of sin that I was hiding.

But the next thing he said was something I had never considered. The pastor continued

"If we all had signs that listed our sins, we would be so busy trying to cover up our own signs that we would be less interested in trying to read other's signs."

Intriguing thought. But probably very true.

I don't want you to see my SIN SIGN.

However, I would be interested to know what is on yours. Because I want to know if yours is worse than mine. I would gauge my worth upon whether I am doing better than you with my sin list.

But man oh man, I would do everything I could to cover my own sign.

Wouldn't SIN SIGNS change our lives?

I will have you know that I did wear one. I wore a SIN SIGN for about 6 months two years ago.

I got busted in a sin. I was 35 years old, not married and pregnant. Let me tell you, that SIN SIGN got bigger every single day.

I teach Sunday School at church. I sit on community committees making significant decisions about choices that will impact my community's future. I have been a mentor to several at-risk children.

And I was 35 years old, unmarried, recently divorced and PREGNANT with a child that people knew I was placing with another family.

It was interesting to think about how I was the one CAUGHT in my sin. I am certain I was not the only 35 year old woman having sex outside of wedlock in my community. Heck, I am pretty sure I am one of MANY from my very CHURCH who was having sex outside of marriage.

But I got to wear the SIGN.

And the people from my community who seemed the most appalled by my big round belly SIN SIGN were Christians. (Thankfully not my church, or at least no one from my church ever said anything hurtful to me.)

Another interesting thing about my SIN SIGN, was that rarely did anyone ask me about it directly.

Instead of asking me about the baby, they would talk to my sisters, or my friends, or better yet, to other people who didn't even really know me. Because let's be honest, that's some juicy stuff.

"Lisa just left her husband and I heard she is already pregnant!"

And it was true. Most of it. But let me tell you, there were few people who were talking about it with compassion for me.

Those who were OK with the idea that I was pregnant, were usually not OK with me placing the child.

"But you're a good mom? Why would you do that to your baby?"

I spent 6 months of my life defending myself and my actions. I spent 6 months of my life trying to hide my SIN SIGN.

All the while, no one else had to wear one.

What if you had to wear your SIN SIGN to the store today? Yes, to the grocery store where you know people.

Would it change how you would behave?

Would you feel differently about yourself and those around you?

Just something to think about.

My boys are pretty cool

2011-09-08T11:29:00.000-05:00

I rarely talk about my boys here on this adoption themed blog. But I think it is important to occasionally mention the kids that I am parenting. The boys who are my entire world. They consume 90% of my time and attention and to be quite honest, I think they are each pretty great kids.

My oldest just started his EMT classes at our local community college. He seems to love the classes. I know it is much easier to engage in classes when you can see the real life application. I hope this is the beginning of a career path for him.

Originally he wanted to be a paramedic, but lately has changed to criminal justice with the idea of being a police officer. I think he is too tenderhearted to be a cop, but maybe that will be an asset to him. I'm not too worried about it since his career ideas change from month to month.

He also went on a mission trip this summer and came back and was convinced he was going into full time ministry. I believe that there is plenty of time for him to really figure out what he wants to do. He is an 18 year old boy. I figure he will flail around for a few more years before he grows up. Please Dear Lord, help me live with his lazy ways until that happens!

J and his friends in the Bahamas for their mission trip. Must have been a church day since they are all dressed up.

J and a girl he met in the Bahamas when he was running VBS for kids there.

Here is a picture of J with one of his best friends. They have gone to church together for about 15 years. I hope they have a lifetime friendship. She is a great girl!

Now my middle boy, sweet LanMan. He had hernia surgery about a month ago and he is healing very well. However, that means he can't play fall sports. While it could have been tragedy for a child who is a sports superstar, it wasn't. He is loving the down time he now has in the evenings. I am also happy to report that his adjustment to middle school has been fabulous. He loves it and is ready to head to school every morning. Which is an answer to prayer considering how last year started.

LanMan and our new puppy Grizzly

LanMan before hernia surgery

LanMan doing his favorite thing - fishing.

That leaves my adorable little D. He is the one child that demands 90% of my parenting energy. And yet he is the child who has the most life in him. He lives life without limits. Which will make him a great adult. If we can just get him there. He is small for his age, but cuter than cute. He is a natural born leader. He is 10 going on 17. And if you were to watch him in action with the ladies, you would find he is often working the 14-16 year old girls crowd at any event we attend. He definitely has mojo and knows how to use it. Evidenced by the middle school cheerleader loving on him at a Jr Football game. :Sigh: Love that kid. But he wears me out!

D getting a little cheerleader lovin'

First day of 5th grade - marching to the beat of his own drummer

D being the cool kid on the first day of class

Yes, my days are filled with fun and excitement. And unlike how it comes across here on my blog, I don't miss out on the joy of parenting the boys (most of the time). They demand my attention, and that's not a bad thing.

Love these kiddos!

The power of praying friends

2011-09-06T14:48:00.000-05:00

It is interesting to find out, often in a round about fashion, that people I never would have guessed are reading my blog.

Most of the time, it is just silent reading. No comments or record that you have been here.

But on occasion, I will say something that touches someone's heart and they comment. For those of us who are bloggers, we know that those moments where someone takes the time to comment are moments of glory. It makes us feel connected to others.

Well this weekend, I had some interesting responses to my last blog post.

First of all, I received a strongly worded text message from a real life friend. He told me how hurt that he was that I would not share whatever secret I have with him after all that he and I have been through together. It caught me very off guard. I had NO idea that he reads my blog. He is one of the least likely people I would have thought would take the time to, even if he knew about it. Heck, he doesn't even have a FB page. So the fact that he knew about the blog intrigued me. When I talked to him on the phone this weekend, I asked how he knew and I was very interested to hear how he had found out about it. It is such a small world.

I didn't share with him my current personal struggle (but I thanked him for telling me how much he does care about me). I will tell him someday. But for now I have more questions than answers. So until I come to some sort of conclusion about what I am going to do to handle this newest set of circumstances, I am going to take my counselor's advice and let this one marinade in my head and on my heart. Oh, and I'm going to pray. PRAY ALOT.

On that note. I have received several blog, email and FB messages that simply say they are praying for me. Some are from you, my blog friends, and others are from 'real life' friends. I treasure every one.

I have a couple of blog friends who have reached out to me personally, taking time to email me privately and give me encouragement. Thank you friends. It has meant so much. My sincerest Thank You to those who have told me they are praying for me and to those of you who are praying that I don't even know about.

Because of you and your prayers on my behalf (and a few I have prayed on my own behalf too), I have an incredible peace. The kind of peace that surpasses all understanding.

I know, without a doubt, the only reason that this is the case is because God is providing it to me. And I know that it is the direct fruits of all your prayers.

And in God's perfect orchestration, the Sunday School lesson I taught on Sunday was based on my favorite verse (this lesson plan, not chosen by me, but given to me by our SS Director).

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future".

There you have it. Said perfectly.

Still here

2011-09-01T11:29:00.000-05:00

I have had a month or so of complete craziness. Re-entering the dating world. End of summer activities with the kids. Beginning of school activities with the kids. Sports. Hernia surgery for a child. An impulsive trip to Nashville for a date with a new suitor. The usual work load.

All added up, it just has taken my time and attention. And blog world doesn't rank on the priority list.

It is very interesting to me how dating has impacted my feelings about adoption. Some of it for the good. It definitely has served as a distraction from constant adoption obsessing, just because it has taken my time.

Now that I am no longer together with Brit's father, I can at least justify the 'it would have been hard having a child who shuttles between two houses' thought, which is immediately followed by the 'but my other 3 kids live like that and seem to do just fine'.

Truthfully Brit's father is one of my best friends even today. If I was going to share parenting with anyone, I would want it to be him. So that really doesn't help ease my regret much.

But I do appreciate how much easier it is to date and enjoy time with friends when you don't have an 18 month old child at home. Which is immediately followed by the thought that I would rather have my 18 month old angel at home with me than go out.

Thankfully everyone of the men I have gone out with have known me prior to our first date. Two were friends of several years, and the newest dating interest is someone who I told immediately when we met, just because I never thought he and I would ever have a dating relationship so I didn't have any perceived risk telling him.

I am thankful that our relationship started that way, because he is the only one I have continued a dating relationship with (albeit long distance), so he is the one who would be more likely to have to deal with the long term ramifications of my adoption grief. He was also the same guy who immediately asked if I could get Brit back. Interesting.

But this last week I have really had some tests to my fortitude. Serious tests.

Yesterday was exceptionally hard. I am dealing with a very serious personal issue that has me tormented. Life changing torment.

But during this dark time, I have been so thankful for a dear blog friend I have met out here. She was someone I could call and be safe telling my deep dark secrets to. No judgement. And complete understanding of how this life crisis impacts my feelings as a birthmother. Because she is one of US. She is part of the birthmom sorority.

And interestingly enough, I also was able to tell the 'new guy'. Understand, this is the kind of secret you DON'T tell the new guy. It's the kind of secret you keep from the new guy at all costs. But he asked, and I spilled.

And just like his reaction to Brit, his reaction to my secret was very interesting. He offered to be a solution. Even though he wasn't part of the problem.

His response gave me a huge wave of relief.

When I was with my counselor last night, she looked at me and said "You told him that!?!" I said yes, he asked, so I told him.

She was shocked. Honestly, I still am too.

But it is what it is. And his reaction is the reason I am able to breathe today. In addition to the wisdom that the counselor gave me about taking one day at a time and not telling another soul until we can come up with some solutions. Between those two thoughts, I feel like I have bought myself some time.

So me and my team of confidants are working through this. My dear blog friend, the new long distance romance man, the counselor and me.

I will take one day at a time. Appreciating the moments that make me laugh and loving the kids I have with me right now.

On a related note, another dream last night. In the dream BF called Brit's father and asked if we could see her over this long holiday weekend. He kindly told BF that they were not comfortable with a relationship like that with us.

In the dream, I left and walked miles in the rain. BF stayed at a party and watched me walk away. We were both grief stricken, but it was interesting the difference in our reactions.

Mind you, BF would never go to a party and drown his grief in beer in real life, but he would go on as if nothing had happened. I, on the other hand, would do just what I did in the dream. I punished myself by walking and crying in the rain, feeling all alone.

Dreams are very interesting aren't they.

I did send BF an email this morning and told him the dream. He consoled me electronically. And he told me that he is going to try to call Brit's dad and see if they can find a time to go out with each other and have a drink and chat. He thinks if he and Brit's dad can sit down face to face, maybe he can have a heart to heart talk with him about how much we would like to have a more open relationship with them with regard to more regular visits with Brit. Oh how I hope it works.

So there you have it.

Random heartbreak from LisaAnne.

Yet, I still have so much to be thankful for.

I am such a conflicted person. I must be a girl. :)

Sometimes words you hear keep you from being able to breathe

2011-08-12T16:14:00.000-05:00

I have met someone new. He doesn't live here. So we are spending alot of time getting to know each other on the phone. Which is kinda nice. We met and spent a day together at an event, but he left that night and I have not seen him since.

He finally asked me the other day to explain to him why I said I have had 4 children but I only talk about 3 of them.

I told him about Brit. I did really well. I didn't cry (or at least not so he could hear).

The first words out of his mouth were "I sure wish I would have known you then. I would love to have a child (he is 42 without kids of his own). Is there any way you can get her back?"

And my immediate response without thinking was "If I could have, I would have done it days after I signed the papers."

He gently replied to me "That is just so sad. I feel awful for you."

:sigh:

But on a happy note, this is the first time I have told someone I might have a relationship with about my adoption and it went well.

Not equals

2011-08-12T16:06:00.001-05:00

I had another dream about Brit. It was the very best one yet.

In the dream her parents were super busy with the twins. For whatever reason, I was at their house for a visit and they essentially handed Brit over to me to let me entertain her and take care of her without any oversight by them.

It was wonderful. We played. She talked. I was amazed by how she was putting words together. And she trusted me. She even snuggled her little head on my shoulder.

It was amazing.

I sure do miss her. Funny to think about missing someone who has only seen me once for two hours in the past year.

So when I woke up, I sent a text message to her BF. He and I are still very friendly even though we are not a couple. We will occasionally hang out together and we talk on the phone at least every few days.

In the text message I told him I had the dream and I would really like to see Brit again.

He texted back that he would too and wondered if we should try to contact her dad to see if we could set something up.

Later that evening, BF and I sat down and talked about how we wanted to handle asking. We are afraid to ask too much. We don't want to push them away. Or make them feel like we are asking them to do something they are not comfortable with. We wondered if we are asking too much. We wrestled with timing and consideration of what might work best for them.

As we sat there talking about the visit we wish we could ask for, it struck me how carefully we tread so we don't offend. Two professional, emotionally balanced, grown adults who are currently parenting 5 children of our own.

I was reminded that this is the inequality of power in a relationship that birthparents often refer to. We are terrified that at any moment we could be shut out of our child's life. If we push too much, say the wrong thing, behave the wrong way. The list could go on.

I know potential adoptive parents worry about all those things too when the matching process is going on. I have heard how APs hold their breath until the moment the termination papers are actually signed.

But then, it is over. No more best behavior required. They have the child and now get to make all the rules. For 18 years, maybe even longer.

But for birthparents, we have to live every day post-relinquishment knowing that our open adoption could close at any moment. Maybe because of something we have done. Maybe because of reasons we aren't even aware of.

We are not an equal in the adoption triad. No matter what people say. Birthparents are rarely considered equal in the adoption relationship.

Now, I don't believe everyone in the adoption triad should be equal. I firmly believe the child should be the focus of every decision. Adoption is something they have no control over. Birthparents chose it. Adoptive parents chose it. And our children are the ones who have to deal with all of the decisions made by the adults.

But I wish that we as adults in adoption relationships didn't have to deal with the human need to claim our authority when it comes to the children.

And I know this from a limited perspective of being a divorced parent. I have had to learn that while I may not like or approve of my ex-husband's parenting, decision making, or even the way he speaks to me, I cannot sever the relationship my children have with their father.

He will always be their father. I cannot pretend that he isn't. Even if they had a step-father who was the greatest father ever to them, they still deserve to have a relationship with their father. I don't get to decide whether or not they know him. (Understanding that I would NOT allow a relationship with a man who was abusive to my children - which is absolutely not the case in this example.)

I have to repress the feelings I have of control over my children and remember that this is not about ME, but about THEM, and what is ultimately best for them. I would love to run away with them and start over with a life where I didn't have to share them back with a man who does not have an ounce of respect or consideration for me.

But it is not about ME. It is about the CHILDREN. And not being near their father, with complete access to him, would not be what is best for them.

So I put aside my pride, and move on.

Yet, in the open adoption relationship, there is potential for the birthparent to be completely discarded. No explanation required.

It just doesn't seem very fair.

Back to our conversation about visits with Brit. BF and I both decided that we would like to ask that we get at least two visits per year with Brit. (Remember they live 10 minutes from us, this is not a logistics nightmare.) I think this would help me know that if I just hang on for X many months, I will get to see her again. Right now, I have complete uncertainty about if or when we will be allowed to see her again.

So we wrestled back and forth about when it would be easiest for those visits to happen. We want to be super considerate of their schedules, and the complication that they have with two brand new infants.

We decided to wait until next week and email Brit's dad to see if he thinks that might work for their family. BF is going to do it, man to man (which, can I say I respect SO much). I love how both of the fathers in this adoption relationship are willing to talk to make this relationship as easy as possible for the mothers involved. I bet that doesn't happen often. Another area I should count as a blessing.

So we will be good birthparents. We will wait patiently. Ask for the minimum and pray that we will be granted time with Brit.

Fingers crossed

2011-08-02T09:32:00.000-05:00

I think about Brit all the time. I wish she was with us and sharing our crazy life.

I know Brit has no idea that there is even a crazy world out there. She is sheltered, cherished and loved. Living the existence a one year old should have.

So during the the last two weeks, I am glad to say I have been able to think about Brit without tears streaming down my face. I can think about her without the deep anguish that usually debilitates me.

Then Sunday something absolutely amazing happened. I received an email from Brit's mom. She responded to an email I had sent back to her husband when he sent the last update which was about a week ago.

You see, in the beginning, I used to send long emails back to Brit's parents telling them what was going on in our lives. I would attach a couple of pictures thinking they would appreciate seeing what we were up to, just like I enjoy hearing about their family.

Later I learned that Brit's mom had a hard time looking at our pictures. She would see pictures of me and be reminded how much Brit looked like me.

When I found that out, I stopped sending them.

As time went on, I stopped talking much about our life at all. Instead I would thank them for the updates and respond kindly to whatever story they shared with us about Brit.

Never once would they follow up and ask how we were doing. They wouldn't ask what we were up to. Our information sharing was definitely a one way street. They shared what they wanted us to know, and we thanked them.

But this time, I just disregarded my past discretion and decided that I wanted to start sharing back with them again. Now that they have two more children (the twins just born this summer), I felt like the infertility grief and the sadness about Brit possibly being their only child might be better now. Maybe it wouldn't be so threatening to send pictures and stories about us now.

So I did. I sent a long email telling them what we have been up to and attached several pictures.

And this time, Brit's MOM wrote back. That is a really big deal. First of all, she has to be exhausted. She has newborn twins and a one year old. Plus she has to be an emotional mess. She just gave birth. She should be on a hormone roller coaster.

But she sent a super nice email in response to what I had sent. Now, she didn't mention the pictures at all. But she did acknowledge the things I shared about what was going on in our lives. And she even ended the email saying she was going to try to get a picture of Brit swinging the golf clubs we sent her.

It is amazing how an email that would be so small and insignificant in any other relationship was a HUGE deal to me in this relationship. It was almost the kind of email that we used to exchange before Brit was born.

I am so hopeful that this might be an indicator that things might get better. Maybe we can re-establish the kind of relationship that I enjoyed pre-baby.

Fingers crossed.

I can still be happy

2011-07-27T15:01:00.002-05:00

One of the hardest things in the beginning of being a birthmom was allowing myself to be happy. I didn't want to be happy. I didn't want to feel better. I wanted to wallow in grief and never come out.

Now 16 months after Brit was born, I am finally feeling like I can allow myself some moments of joy. I can do things and not immediately remember that I am a birthmother. Now the moments are fleeting, but at least I am having them.

Of course I never ever forget about Brit, just like I don't forget about my parented children. But little by little I am allowing myself to move forward with my life, in spite of the pain.

I had a first date last night and had a wonderful evening. Thankfully he is someone I have known casually for a couple of years and he knows my story. Maybe not in its entirety, but he knows I had a child last year and he knows she was adopted.

So I didn't feel like I had to hide anything. Which in itself is freeing.

I cannot fathom what it will be like if I ever date a stranger. How will I ever explain my sweet Brit? I would want it to be known right up front, but I also don't want it to be the only defining part of me. (Even though it consumes me.)

I need to think about how I will handle that in the future, now that her BF and I are no longer a couple and I do plan to date.

Blogger frustration

2011-07-26T15:04:00.000-05:00

I have two Blogger frustrations that I am hoping someone can help me with...

Why can't I comment on some of your blogs? This has been going on for some time now and it makes me CRAZY(er)! I can't even comment on my OWN blog. Seriously.
Does Blogger have any feature that allows me to password protect only individual posts, and not my entire blog?

OK, I feel better just getting that out there.

Your comments would be much appreciated. (Assuming you can even comment...)

Today is the 25th - and I know what that means

2011-07-25T18:52:00.001-05:00

I cry and greive because I want more relationship with my adoptive parents. But let me say this loud and clear. They are AWESOME about sending me a monthly update. Always. Without fail. On the 25th of every month (Brit's birthday).

They now have twins at home. Three children ages one and younger. Yet they send an email update. Every single month. For 16 months.

How condsiderate is that?

Yeah, I know I want more. But knowing what some of you birthmom's go through waiting for an update, I will celebrate this one area where I am so lucky.

Brit's paretns are very private people. So I told them I would try to just share the pictures that they send me with my friends. But I have to share this one. Could this girl be any cuter?

She wants to feed the babies (her twin brother and sister), but Elmo will have to do for now. Apparently they did let her try to feed one of the twins and she LOVED it.
She is so advanced. And might I say stinkin' cute.

I just want to scoop her up and snuggle her. Someday....

Until then, I will read and re-read her daddy's emails about what she is up to now.

How cool is it that her dad takes the time to write the updates?

Sweet baby girl. I wish things were different. But you are so very happy. And really, since I can't change anything, I guess that is what I would want for you.

I love you Brit!

Don't give him your time

2011-07-25T13:17:00.000-05:00

I was having an IM conversation with a special friend this morning. He is the man that taught me what it is like to be truly loved by someone.

He and I have both have had a really hard time finding someone else who could replace the connection that we shared for the year we were together.

I figured he had found someone lately because I haven't heard from him in about a month. That generally means he has started a new relationship and it is good.

So today we finally connected again, and sure enough. He has found a girl that he thinks he might be able to love as much as he loved me.

I am so very happy for him. He deserves that kind of happiness. And I expect he will bring her great joy too because he is an incredible man.

I want to share something he said to me this morning. He knows about my long time struggle with BF and his lack of commitment to a future with me. So in our conversation today he said these most poignant words...

"Lisa, please don't give him any more of your time. If he can't appreciate what he's had, he doesn't deserve any more."

I just loved that statement.

It meant so much coming from a man who treasured every minute he had with me. He treated me like a queen every minute of every day.

He knows what he is talking about.

I am going to really think about those words.

I know it is true in my heart, and I have heard the same message from so many other people. But it is amazing how the words resound when they come from someone who loves you as much as I know he still loves me.

Dreams, regret and the truth comes out

2011-07-22T17:42:00.000-05:00

I know I have written this before, but when it comes to dreams about Brit, it is unbelievable how upsetting it is to me because they are so real. It ruins my entire day. I wake up a blubbering mess and generally I can't shake it.

Even when the dream is happy, I wake up in a near panic trying to go back to sleep so I can hold her again.

Last night was one of those nights. In addition to dreaming vividly about my dear sweet Brit, I also dreamt that the BF and I had an argument. In the dream, he told me that he was choosing to live in Vegas over continuing a relationship with me. This conversation between us happened immediately after he and I had just had a fabulous afternoon together with Brit, her parents and her new twin brother and sister (still in the dream of course).

I know that there are real reasons for all of the dream components.

BF and I are supposed to have a 'where do we stand in our relationship' talk scheduled for tomorrow. That explains the picking Vegas over me conversation in the dream. (Of note, he has no plans or aspirations of living in Vegas. That must be some other manifestation.) I am anticipating that our conversation tomorrow is going to be a final end to any romantic relationship between the two of us. So I am certain that this dream conversation is my way of dealing with what I feel is inevitable in real life.
The timing of the dream argument between BF and me occurring after a visit with Brit was a real experience. That really happened this March when he refused to talk to me after our one and only visit with Brit. I was upset after the visit and he didn't think he could handle listening to me tell him how upset it had made me so he told me he needed a week away from me to clear his head. I spent a week weeping and feeling more alone than I have ever felt in my entire life. It makes me cry right now just typing that.
The visit with Brit comes from the desire I have to touch and hold my little girl. I know there is no visit in my near future, so I have been trying to stifle the thoughts of it. It appears to be working pretty well as I have been doing better with not crying at work the last few weeks. But given a chance, my subconscious mind reminds me that I have a primal need to touch my child. To hold her and to love her.
In my dream I nursed Brit (which I did for all of my children). I am going to completely blame this part of my dream on my Bestest Birthmother Friend (BBF) who has struggled with this very topic. She wished her adoptive parents would have accepted her offer to ship her breast milk to their son, which they respectfully declined. It was hard for her to accept and we have been talking about it alot lately. In my dream, breastfeeding Brit was something only I could do. I am certain that is a very significant insight.

There are also lots of other parts of the dream I could explain away. But it really doesn't matter. What matters to me now is that I realize again how just when I think I can manage my emotional condition regarding adoption, I am sent reeling by a simple dream.

I don't want to be a birthmom anymore.

It hurts too much.

And I don't want my daughter to be adopted.

I want her to be my daughter.

There. I said it.

I thought the truth was supposed to set me free...

Instead, I just feel heartbroken.

NOTE: I have many adoptive mother followers and readers. This is not about you. I think many of you are exceptional parents and you are doing a noble job of managing healthy open adoptions with your child and his/her birthparents.

This is also not about my daughter's adoptive parents. I know my daughter is loved and cared for. The adoptive parents did not cause me to make this poor decision. I did it all by myself.

This is about a mother who regrets a decision made that will forever change the lives of herself, her daughter and her family.

A pretty quiet week in my adoption world

2011-07-15T11:16:00.000-05:00

It is interesting to me how intense the feelings associated with adoption can be. The debilitating grief. Then all of the sudden, out of nowhere ,comes a quiet week where my heart is still and I have peace.

From what I can remember, that is how my heart has felt about my adoption situation this week.

Just still. And quiet.

I love the reprieve.

I was even able to talk about Brit's parents to a new acquaintance last night without angst.

Looking for birthmothers who are parenting older children

2011-07-10T21:07:00.001-05:00

Another 'older' birthmother friend and I are looking for others who have stories similar to ours.

We are seeking birthmothers who were/are parenting older children when they chose an adoption plan for their newborn child.

If you are a birthparent who is/was in that circumstance, please send me a private email or comment here so we can touch base with you.

We would like to have an online support system for others who deal with the issues that parents who relinquished later deal with (like sibling questions, parented child and relinquished child relationships, etc.)

We know you are out there, tell us who you are!

lisaanne119@gmail.com

Finding the good

2011-07-10T20:49:00.001-05:00

The roller coaster of emotion that comes with adoption can take its toll on a person. I have seen several posts lately from some of my favorite bloggers saying they are taking time off from the adoption world discussions. Boy, I can understand that. I hope they return soon, refreshed and willing to share again. But I can understand if it takes a while.

I too have needed some relief for some time now. I see that my posts have gotten progressively more sad and melancholy.

I don't want to be that girl.

My adoption story is not all rainbows and butterflies. Those of you who read regularly know that. But it also isn't bad. My daughter has great parents who love her very much. They send me monthly updates with photos. I know how she is growing and changing. I do not have to imagine, because I get to see pictures and read stories.

However, I find that all I can focus on is what I DON'T have. I don't have that intimate kind of relationship with her adoptive family that many of you share with your adoption triad. I am held at a distance, instead of embraced.

I don't get sweet text messages and pictures when Brit does something cute. I have never once had a friendly phone call with her parents since her birth.

This weekend I was once again reminded of how friends of friends are allowed more time with Brit than I am. My sister found out that one of her dear friends is also a close friend of Brit's mother's sister (Brit's aunt). I met this friend at a restaurant while I was out with Brit's BF (yes, we were out together again). After we met briefly, my sister and her friend went out for the evening. My sister's friend was asking about my children and somehow my sister and her friend put two and two together, and my sister's friend told her how she has met Brit and knows their family well. Really? A friend of the aunt has spent time with my birthdaughter, and I have had one visit for two hours.

Yes, my mind went down that yucky path when I found that out. Of course, as a nice birthmother, I did not say a single negative word out loud. I just keep them in my head where they swirl around and create a life of their own.

I don't want that.

I want to focus on the positive. I want to be loving and understanding. Not bitter.

Adoption takes strength I wish I never had to find. It has caused me to face my selfishness. To deal with my lack of faith that God truly can make beauty from ashes.

I want to do a better job of being still and waiting. And trusting that there is a reason for today's suffering.

The truth is I cannot do anymore to change my current circumstances. I placed my daughter with another family. No matter how much pain, regret and remorse I have about this now, the decision has been made and cannot be undone.

I have never before been in a position like this one. Every thing that I have ever done or not done in my lifetime, I could do something later to 'undo' it.

Not with this decision.

So where does that leave me?

I suppose I get to choose what I do now.

So here is what I choose. I am going to use my experiences for the good of someone else.

What I have lived through can be used for the benefit of someone else who is either traveling my same path, or who may be dealing with that pivotal decision that could put her here.

And maybe by sharing my experiences and feelings I can also be a resource to adoptive parents to help understand what their birthmother might be feeling.

I know I am just one birthmother, and I do not represent all birthmothers. But I am one. And what I think and feel is real for me.

Maybe it will make a difference.

A great article about embracing birthfamilies

2011-07-06T11:48:00.000-05:00

I read this article Adoption - Adoptive Families this morning on the Adoptive Families website. I absolutely covet this adoptive mother.

What she describes is exactly what I would desire my relationship be with the family who adopted my daughter. I want to have a relationship with not only my daughter, but with their entire family.

I love the concpet of returning to the well. What a beautiful analogy.

It is a situation like this where the focus is on the needs of the CHILD, not the adults, that reminds me again that adoption done well can be rewarding for all involved in the triad.

Hooray for adoptive families who love their children this much!

What are your motives?

2011-06-16T17:32:00.000-05:00

I bought a father's day card for Brit's dad today over my lunch hour. Talk about a tough undertaking.

There just aren't cards that say "Thank you for being such a great father to my child who I chose not to parent myself." (Thank heavens there are no cards that say that, because that would be plain rude. But self depriciating humor is OK when it comes from me.)

After much searching, I finally found an awesome card which had the perfect message:

You mean the world to both of us.
We don't say it as often as we should,
but we are so thankful to have you in our lives,
and today especially you're being sent
many wishes for happiness
and a Father's Day filled with love.

It was just perfect. So I signed my name and BF's name and a quick note wishing him the happiest of Father's Days.

As I signed the card, I found myself thinking about why I send them cards on holidays like this.

Am I trying to win their friendship?

Am I trying to guilt them into expanding their relationship with us?

Am I being honest when I tell them I am thankful that they are Brit's parents?

Am I just saying one thing, but feeling and thinking another thing?

I hope that none of those are true. But it has made me do some serious introspective thinking.

After some thought, I came to the following conclusions.

I want them to be friends with us. Not because we are Brit's birthparents, but because they like us. We really are funny, cool people. I promise!
I really do like both of them. I would want to be their friends even if they were not parenting our daughter.
I am glad that they love Brit as much as they do.
They are really good parents to Brit. No question about it.
Yes, I am trying to extend the olive branch to them by sending cards and kind emails. I want those efforts on my part to be an example of the relationship I would like to see extended to us in return. But if they never choose to do those things, I will still send kind cards and emails. Because even if they don't share the same feelings, when they adopted my daughter, they became a part of my family. Forever. Even when things are tough.

I wish we could have a super open relationship. But right now, it appears I am the only one who feels like our relationship is not what it could be.

So, I will send my cards and write my emails. And even if I have to love them from a distance, just like I do Brit, I will keep at it. Because it is all worth it in the end. Even if it is hard.

Summer is tough on mommy

2011-06-15T17:45:00.000-05:00

L pitching

I am uploading a huge artwork file to my billboard company so I have a minute to spare before I have to head out to D's baseball game.

Man is this a busy time of year for the mother of boys.

L and D both play baseball. Lots and lots of it. Every night we have a game or practice. That alone is exhausting.

Both boys bowl on a league. I shuttle them back and forth to the bowling alley on my lunch hour.

D has started football workouts and skills camp. This is mornings and evenings.

L will start middle school basketball camps next week.

J is working at our local water park as a lifeguard. When he is not working he simply eats me out of house and home. And oh yeah, he brought home a guinea pig last week that is 'our' new pet. Before I went to bed last night, I was cutting matted hair from the new friend's backside. Yes, it is a long haired critter of all things.

Work is over the top busy. I work in the recreation field and as one would guess, summer is ~~crazy~~ busy season. As I type this I have been at my desk for almost 10 hours today.

I am the director of operations for a college baseball team that plays about 50 games throughout a two month period. Thank heavens I have a very capable intern helping this year. Otherwise I would be certifiably crazy.

We eat meals in the car. Sometimes meals include chips and salsa, Popsicles and Gatorade.

My house has not been vacuumed in two weeks.

I do keep up with the laundry, simply because I am constantly washing uniforms. And wet towels. So many wet towels.

The Princess baby has to run around with us all weekend long as we go to tournaments, run errands, attend bday parties and spend time at church.

D qualified for Hershey Track and Field State Games in all 3 events he participated in. That will take us out of town next weekend for two days.

Just typing all of this makes me tired.

But I am off to the ball field. In high heel sandals and dress clothes. Running late - of course.

At least I will be able to sit in a chair and watch the game. That will be my one hour of rest.

Ugh

2011-06-13T07:28:00.000-05:00

My youngest son had a terrible headache last night. He was lying on the couch and I was on the computer at a table near him.

Out of the blue he looks up and says,

"Mom, can we adopt Brit back?"

I responded (trying not to cry),

"I suppose we could, but Brit's parents would have to let us. And that would never happen."

"Why?"

"Because they love her so much that they would never want to let her go."

"I wish we could have her back. It's not fair."

Conversations like those are a dagger to the heart.

Feelings are not facts

2011-06-12T21:31:00.002-05:00

I had a counseling appointment on Saturday. So I packed up the Princess and off we went. I look forward to counseling so much. My counselor, Rosie, is the best. Our relationship started when she was my marriage counselor many, many years ago.

Then as my ex and I divorced, she just became my 'life' counselor. She is also a Christian, which is very helpful to me because that is a big part of who I am and what I believe.

The last few sessions with her have been comprised of me bawling and her telling me that someday this will not hurt so badly, and until then, I just have to Live Through Today. (hence the blog name)

But this session took a different turn. I still cried (given), but she had some significant insight for me.

Paraphrased here was what she said to me when I told her how I obsess about my lack of relationship with Brit and the grief and regret I battle each day.

"I was there when you struggled with your adoption decision. It was not made in haste. You considered the pros and cons and you made the very best decision you could with the information you had.

I watched you develop a relationship with Brit's parents. You did everything you could to make this a good and healthy relationship for all of you. You made a good decision.

While this isn't a therapeutic thing to say, have you ever thought that maybe this is God's plan?

How do you know that the relationship you have with them now isn't exactly what it needs to be at this moment? It might not be what you think it should be, but how do you know it's not best for Brit, or her parents, or even you?

Maybe this is exactly how things need to be right now. Because how things are today is not necessarily how things will be forever.

If you had a close relationship with Brit's parents, would you have been strong enough to recognize that BF was not right for you? Or would you have felt that you had to stay together because you would never want to jeopardize your relationship with Brit and her family?

We just never know. Think about all of the mysterious ways that God worked throughout the Bible. Who would put a baby in a basket, float it down the river, and later be chosen to be the nursemaid to that child? Only God could orchestrate that.

Sometimes we just have to trust that even though it doesn't make sense right now, this could be part of a much bigger plan. What is happening now is preparing someone, maybe it's Brit, maybe it's you, but this is a piece of a bigger plan that we cannot know."

WOW. Talk about a reality check.

She's right. I would have never ended things with BF if he and I were an active part of Brit's life. I would have never jeopardized a fragile relationship with them. I would not have wanted them to sense any turmoil from our side of the relationship.

Maybe this last year without me involved in Brit's life will be important to her relationship with her parents as they now have two more children on the way (giving them 3 babies ages 1 or younger - yikes). Maybe God knew they needed that time alone with her to create a special bond that will carry them through this tough next couple of years when they have lots of stress and little sleep.

I don't know. My little brain can only speculate.

But it has given me new perspective and a bit of comfort. And I sure could use a little comfort these days.

So in addition to thanking God for the clear direction about my relationship with BF, I am going to also add that He would have His hand in this adoption relationship and that my feelings don't get in the way of His plan.

As we ended my counseling session, Rosie said,

"Remember Lisa, feelings are not facts."

Hmm. I'll have to remember that one. Because feelings sure do seem like fact sometimes.

God answered my prayers - just not with MY answer

2011-06-10T14:53:00.000-05:00

So the previous cryptic post was in response to the end of my relationship with Brit's BF.

BF and I have always gotten along beautifully, mostly because he never, ever entertains any confrontation. He won't even playfully argue with me.

Needless to say, we never fight.

But I have always felt that he doesn't treat me as if I am that "special person" in his life. He would forget to call me. He makes plans without including me. Just things that hurt my feelings.

So a couple of times in the last two years this has come to a head with me and I have confronted him about it.

What it has boiled down to, after all he and I have been through, and the time we have spent together, I want to know that he is planning on a future together with me.

The answer he has always given me is that he loves me and doesn't want to be with anyone else, but he isn't ready for that level of commitment yet.

I have gone along with this for some time now. I just prayed that God would soften his heart and take away the obvious pain he has from his previous marriage and subsequent divorce.

But this week we had a little incident where our kids wanted to play together and rather than talk to me on the phone about it, he spoke only to his children. It hurt my feelings because it made me feel like I am not valued enough by him that he would call me and let me be the parent on hand (I was standing there with his kids and mine - he was at work). But instead, he just spoke to his own children who in turn relayed information to me.

So an hour or so later, he sent me an email at work stating that he did that because he wants to teach his children responsibility and he felt like it was an issue between him and his kids about sticking to a plan.

I replied to him that it hurt my feelings because I felt like he didn't value me being a part of his children's lives enough that he would allow me to work out a simple play date between our children. I also mentioned that this simple communication issue drug up feelings of insecurity about our relationship that lay just below the surface for me.

In a nut shell, his email response back to me was that he is perfectly OK with our relationship as it stands today. He likes the dating relationship we have. And he has given it much thought lately and he believes he will not be ready for a more committed relationship until his youngest son is in high school. (Note: That is 7 years from now.) He ended it with he wasn't sure where that would leave us until then.

He and I have been together for 2 years. Had a child together. We are both almost 40 years old. We have seen each other at our worst (the stress of an unplanned pregnancy and subsequent adoption).

Our children seem to get along very well. They beg to play with each other. They share similar interests and mutual friends.

I have given all I can give. I have loved him with my entire being. Even when I was walking around with a wounded heart.

And his response to me is - 'maybe I will be ready to consider life with you 7 years from now'.

So I typed a quick response to his email and let him know that was all I needed to hear. I would swing by his house, pick up the few clothes I have there and leave his house key on the counter.

I told him I appreciated his honesty.

I received no reply. No email. No phone call. Nothing. And that was Wednesday.

I cried that day. ALOT.

I am a smart girl. I have known in my heart that he wasn't right for me. I have listened to everyone around me tell me he is not right for me and that I deserve so much more than he is willing to give. I have been called a fool for hanging on. His best friend's girlfriend told me months ago that I need to move on and find someone who can be more attentive.

BF is not capable of showing me the love, affection and attention that I would desire from a spouse. But I wanted so badly to make us work. I was willing to settle for feeling neglected sometimes because I love him. And he is a really nice guy. Not a single person would argue that. Even those who told me I should move on, agreed that he is a nice guy.

But the more I thought about what had just transpired that day, I realized God had His hand in that email from BF. When I read those words, there was absolutely no doubt in my mind about what needed to happen next. Casually dating someone for 11 years is not acceptable to me.

I should be special enough to you that you can't imagine life without me.

If you are thinking about how you just want to wait 7 more years to get your kids through high school, then you are imagining life without me - and apparently you are OK with that.

I had a really good day on Thursday. I kept focusing on Jeremiah 29:11 and the plans that God has in store for me.

That night, when I went to bed, I found myself offering prayers of thanksgiving for God showing me so clearly what needed to happen. In the past I prayed for BF's heart to change. But no more.

I now have a heart of anticipation for what is next for me. God has something in store. I know He does.

I know that every day won't be great. But I am glad that at least I can look forward with hope. And that God has given me a peace in my heart to finally let go of what I have been clinging to for so long.

So now I plan to get out of the way and see what God wants for me.

Yes, I know that is what I should have been doing all along, but we control freaks have a hard time with that.

Thank you all for your prayers, kind thoughts and words. It has been so comforting.

I will close with my favorite two quotes from the same dear friend this week. He is like a father figure to me (he is older than my own father). He was recently married to the love of his life. It only took him 4 failed attempts to find her!

The first thing he said to me when I told him what had happened was,

"His loss Lisa. He wasn't prepared for the magnificence that is you"

Then he followed up with me the next day to see if I was doing OK. After a quick conversation he said,

"It's unbelievable to be with someone who cherishes you. Don't settle for anything else."

Tomorrow is a new start

2011-06-08T22:47:00.000-05:00

Today was rotten. So I am allowing myself to cry. But that's it. Tomorrow is going to be a new start. And even if I have to figure out some strategy to keep it together, I am not coming back to this pity party.

Sometimes God answers prayers and the answer is not what we wanted. But it is an answer.

I knew in my heart what needed to happen in this specific area of my life, but I was not strong enough to make it happen. I have fought the decision, and clung to hope that if I just held on it might just work out.

But God has bigger plans for me. I know He does. And just hanging on is not what He wants for me.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

PS - This post is not directly related to my adoption story, but just a relationship issue.

Who are you LisaAnne?

2011-06-05T14:41:00.001-05:00

I really am a multi-dimensional person. I promise I am.

In real life, I don't talk about adoption or being a birth mom most days. It is only here in my blog that I am THAT Lisa.

Otherwise, I am the everyday mom of three crazy boys. I yell at them. I ignore them when they are driving me crazy. I tell them I love them. I scratch their backs and look at their ouchies. I go to ball games (lots and lots of them). ~~I feed my kids dinner in the car.~~ I make dinner for them. I call them to find out where they are. I bug them. My boys hate me and love me, sometimes at the same time.

I have friends who do not have adopted children nor are they birth mothers to children being raised by another family. I do not announce I am a birthmother to new people, not because I am ashamed, but because it is too complicated to explain.

I am a Christian, a sister, a babysitter, a friend, a daughter, a girlfriend and an employee. I am a committee member, on the board of directors for a couple of organizations, and a children's church teacher.

I forgive others easily. I have attention deficit issues. I love deeply, but I also love quickly. I was a good student, but liked my social life even more than that.

I am happy most of the time.

I have a Diet Coke/Coke Zero addiction. Really bad.

I love people. The people I know today, and the people I will meet today.

I believe that most people are good. And I believe that people try to do the right thing almost all the time. I have been accused of being naive in this area. That's OK, I like it like that. It makes it easier to wake up in the morning.

But here in the blog-o-sphere, I read my posts and I realize that I come off as a pitiful, whiny, unhappy mother.

I wanted to tell you I am more than that. I have to remind myself that I am more than that.

But enough talking already, I need to head off to a ball game. LanMan is in the semi-finals in a baseball tournament and I have the Princess with me so we need to pack up the baby stuff and get out the door!

This post may not be for you

2011-06-03T11:33:00.001-05:00

This will not be a adoption triad sensitive post. I can sense it already. So if you are someone who reads my blog because you are friends with Brit's parents, just go ahead and stop right now. If you are an adoptive parent who doesn't want to know about birthparent grief, this post is not for you either.

If you feel the need to post something mean spirited toward me after you read this, please don't. I have plenty of self-loathing to go around so I don't need anyone else to send any more hatred my way. I have that covered all by myself.

This is going to be a pouring out of my heart that is not meant to hurt anyone, but is a vent for my anguish. It is not meant to blame, but it may come off that way. I am sorry in advance if it does, but this is my blog. And my heart hurts.

I have just a few minutes until I leave for a meeting but I have something weighing so heavily on my heart, I have to type it out.

Brit's parents are having twins. Due this summer. A boy and a girl.

I also have a friend who has a set of twins, also boy and girl, who were born at a similar time of year. Therefore, my friend has matching outfits that would be great for Brit's brother and sister. So, like I would do for any other friend, I went to my friend's garage sale a couple of weeks ago and bought a few matching outfits so I could give them to Brit's family for the new babies.

When I got the most recent monthly email from Brit's mom, I replied back that if they were ever out and about I had several outfits I would love to get to them for the twins. She emailed me back and said her husband keeps saying he needs to stop by where I work so maybe the next time he is here he can pick up the clothes. She thanked me for thinking of them and said they would definitlely be welcomed as she knows they will need so many things having twins.

So I brought the bag of the clothes to work. I have had the bag sitting outside my office door with Brit's dad's name on it all week.

I decided today that I am going to have to move it. It is hurting my heart to see it sit there.

I live 10 minutes from Brit and her family. I could run it over to their house in a heartbeat. But I can't because I am not a part of their life.

They have friends who can stop by and see Brit. But I can not.

Brit's neighbors know what Brit looks like and how she plays outside. My kids do not. They are not allowed to see their biological sister. They are not allowed a relationship with her.

When we had Christmas gifts for Brit, my BF met Brit's father at a sports bar - 5 minutes from both of our homes, so we could give the gifts to him to take home to Brit. I wasn't even invited to be part of the exchange.

Why don't I have adoptive parents like so many of you? I read adoptive parent's posts and articles about how they wish they lived closer to their child's birthfamily so they could get together.

I live 10 minutes from them. 10 minutes. It might as well be 1,000 miles.

We chose these parents because we wanted our daughter to grow up in the same community as our boys, so they would have similar childhood experiences.

We wanted them to be close so we could share in her life.

Instead, I am tormented as I look down every aisle at the grocery store, hoping and praying that I could catch a glimpse of them shopping there at the same time.

I know my boundaries. I know when I am not welcome. I am a civilized, professional, adult mother of many children myself. I am not going to interject myself into their lives unwelcomed.

I do not drive by their house. I never ever call them. I send cards on holidays, which I believe to be an appropriate time to do so.

But I want to be a part of their lives. I want to be welcomed.

I have never received a card from them. Not on my birthday, not on mother's day. Not ever.

The same mother who text messaged and called me when I was pregnant has never once sent me a text or called me since the day they took my daughter home with them. While I am very grateful for the monthly email with pictures (and I pray they never stop them), it does not replace sincere interaction. Monthly reporting is not the same as conversation.

I shared everything with them when I was pregnant. Pictures, stories, even the entire birth of their daughter. I wanted them to know me, my kids and my life. I wanted them to know that they were now a part of my family.

What I didn't realize was that everything was going to change once Brit went home with them.

I know my daughter is loved by them. I know she is happy. They have never once said anything unkind to me directly.

But if I would have known then what I know now, I would not have made the decision I did.

I pray that my daughter will want to know me and us. I pray that she is just like me and she begs her parents to let her see us. I hope she wants to talk to me as badly as I want to talk to her.

I guess that is what I have to do. Pray that the child will change their hearts, if nothing else does.

I hate this.

So much for making it to my meeting. My eyes are nearly swollen shut. Looks like I'm stuck at my desk for the rest of the day.

It is amazing how one decision has changed me from the happy go lucky girl I once was, to a shell of a person just trying to keep it all together.

The big 14 month old

2011-05-25T16:05:00.000-05:00

I got my Brit update. As usual, it was very nice.

Important facts to note:

Brit loves apple cores. Not apples. Notice the core she is eating in the picture. When served an apple she won't eat it. When she finds an apple core, it's hers!

We now have noticeable hair! FINALLY. Look at that cute curl on top!

She is learning how to be cute and adorable when she is testing the water with something she knows will get her in trouble. When her parents tell her that something is "not for Brit", she comes over and hugs their leg. I love it!

Grandma and grandpa have created a Brit playland in their backyard filled with slides, a house, a picnic table and just lots of room to run back and forth. It is her favorite place. Thankfully they live just down the street.

Her momma is still doing well with the pregnancy and the twins. She is trying to hold out as long as possible. She is due in August, but just hopes to make it to July. Dad is home now and can wait on both of his girls all summer long.

I am lucky to get updates. But I still feel the pain of wanting to touch her, hold her and snuggle her up. I'm pretty sure this feeling never goes away.

It's the 25th

2011-05-25T08:24:00.000-05:00

I get an update from Brit's parents the 25th of each month (her birthday). I woke up this morning and it was the first thing I thought of.

I can't wait to hear how things are going and to see her sweet little face.

Just when you think they have grown up

2011-05-23T10:27:00.000-05:00

I am home from work today because my newly graduated 'adult' son is sick. So sick that he didn't want to be home alone. There is something very lonely about puking (or dry heaving in his case), without someone around to make sure you don't die.

It is kind of nice knowing that your child still needs you, even if it is just when they are sick.

Now I get to look forward to sharing this nasty virus to the rest of my kids. Could be a really long week. Let's hope mommy's flu shot works and I can stay strong.

Being a parent is not for the weak of heart - or stomach in this case.

Big weekend

2011-05-22T21:53:00.002-05:00

It was graduation weekend. But in true Lisa fashion, we can't just have graduation, we have to add all kinds of other complicating factors.

Saturday morning I got my little Princess from her momma at 7am. That began the fun of the day. Princess and I ran some errands for a couple of hours.

Then we went to my sister's house and picked up her two little girls so they could go with us to my oldest son's high school graduation party. My nieces are 10 and 4 and positively adorable.

So this momma who is not raising any girls, had a car full of them headed to J's graduation party, being hosted by his dad. Because my other two boys were in a baseball tournament, they weren't with me and didn't get to participate in the graduation festivities of the day. It was just Lisa and the girls.

J's party went great. His dad and step mom were gracious hosts welcoming all of my family as they came to wish my son well.

After the party, I took all three of the girls shopping at the Goodwill store down the street. We spent TWO hours there trying on clothes! Imagine having a 5 month old baby, 4 and 10 year old girls. It was quite the adventure.

We each walked out with a bag full of clothes and big smiles (except for the baby, and she was asleep by then).

I dropped the girls off with their dad and the Princess baby with her momma who had gotten off work early.

J met me at a friend's house (where they were also having a graduation party), and he and I decided to go out to dinner, just mom and son, to celebrate his graduation accomplishment. He chose the local hibachi grill and we had the typical hibachi experience.

The next morning Princess was dropped off at 6am so the fun could begin again. I was so thankful that she fell asleep in my arm and we were able to take a one hour nap before she woke back up at 7:30am. I needed the sleep!

Then we were off to my grandson's baptism in a Catholic church in a rural community where my daughter lives, about 40 minutes from us.

I will have to say, two days of carrying a baby in a car seat while wearing 4" heels was more than I could stand!

We watched the baptism ceremony (not being Catholic myself, it was interesting to see how the ceremony is done and what the belief is behind child baptism).

While I snapped pictures, my youngest son D held the Princess. It was a huge help.

The ceremony was really special because there were two babies being baptized that day, and they are cousins. A neat memory for two little ones who will grow up together.

I was also so glad to see what a great daddy my daughter's fiance is. (They will be getting married in November.) That baby loves his daddy and that daddy loves his baby. So cool to see a young man who takes being a father seriously.

Aren't they the cutest little family?!?

The we were off again to head to the actual graduation ceremony for J. This included another 40 minute drive across town. If Princess would have been sleeping this would have been an easy trip. But she didn't sleep, and she wanted to eat NOW.

So we took a detour, stopped at a Golden Corral where my youngest son thought he was in heaven because all of his favorite foods were at his fingertips in any quantity he wanted to eat.

I, on the other hand, tried to make a plate while walking and eating with a child in my arm. It is amazing how that skill came back to me even when it has been 10 years since I carried around an infant regularly.

Lunch was done, baby was fed, diaper changed and we were off.

We made it to J's town in time to watch the traditional march that the graduates make through the town to the school. I had never seen anything like that. The students were hot and tired by the time they got there, but it is a cool memory that they will have of the annual graduation tradition from their community. We snapped a picture of J as he walked by.

Got to the school and navigated all the stairs down to the gym floor where J's dad had saved us a seat. Have I mentioned how hard it is to walk in heels and carry a baby in a car seat? It was KILLER!

The ceremony was great. They had 18 valedictorians. Apparently all of them were 4.0 students. Quite a deal. My youngest son D made it clear to me that he will NEVER be on the stage if you have to get straight A's all through high school. Apparently he doesn't even have any aspirations of being an academic overachiever!

I did make J stop and take a picture with his momma. Doesn't he look delighted?!? (Notice the white shirt, got it at Goodwill the day before. I love it!)

Once the ceremony was over, D, the Princess and I headed back to our home another 40 minutes away. Once again Princess had enough of the car rides and fussed on the way home. We were all just worn out.

We got back to our house and Princess's mom called and said she was on her way, she had gotten off work early. It was a good deal for all of us.

So with Princess gone for the day, D and I went to get his haircut to correct the haircut his dad had given him the night before. D told me he wasn't going to school until he got it fixed, so it was a non-negotiable task we had to get out of the way.

Then it was off to the BF's house for a quick visit, and now I am back at home thinking my bed is calling my name.

To think, I have a Monday waiting for me tomorrow when I wake up. Yuck.

Congrats to my new high school graduate. I am so proud of you and how you are growing up!

Adoption does not have to equal tragedy

2011-05-17T11:29:00.002-05:00

I read a post of an adoptive parent this weekend and it got me worked up. Nothing that she said, but the reason she was posting.

She was upset by reading other blogs and sites where adoption is referred to as a tragedy and those posting make reference to how adoption should always be a last resort only chosen in times of abuse and neglect.

I would like to voice my opinion about this subject. As you know, I am a birthmother. I do not speak for all birthparents. I especially do not speak for birthparents of generations past where unwed mothers were pressured into decisions they didn't want to make.

I speak from only my perspective based upon my experiences. So here it goes. How and why I came to the adoption decision - much abbreviated.

I was the one who made a choice that led to an unplanned pregnancy. It is no more the birthfather's fault than it is my own. Above all else, I did not get pregnant to provide a child or a 'gift' for someone else.

No one told me I had to choose adoption. On the contrary, most of those closest to me told me they would do whatever it took to help me raise a child on my own. Birthfather/boyfriend and I were not guided toward adoption in any way at all. We had to seek the option.

I am educated, currently parenting 3 boys as a single mother. I have a career. I do not live in poverty. I am not without the resources needed to raise a child.

I was not afraid of the stigma of being a single mother. Those days are over. Even for someone like me who lives in the public eye in a smaller community. Regardless of the support or lack of support I would have had from the BF, I knew there were resources of all kinds to support me if I chose to parent.

Adoption was not my last resort. Abortion was never an option. I was choosing single parenting vs. choosing a married couple as parents for my child.

My decision was based upon what I would choose for my child, knowing that a married biological mom and dad was not in the immediate future.

I considered the life that this child would have with me vs. what life would be like with a different family. The kind of family I wished I had. Not because I think society pressured me to be married, but because my child DESERVED that advantage from birth. All of my other children had that. At least at the beginning of their lives they had a married mom and dad caring for them under the same roof. Single parenting didn't come until later.

I am a good single mom. Being single does not make you a poor parent. It just makes you a tired parent. I was a tired parent when I was married too.

I did not choose adoption because I didn't think I could be a good mom to this child. I would have loved her (and I still do) just as much as I love my other children. But I had to decide if the circumstances which I would bring this child into was fair to all of us. The unborn child, the children I currently parent, the birthfather and me.

Single parenting would have been the easiest decision. It was the default decision. I had to actively pursue adoption.

I thought I understood what adoption would be like. I was wrong. I also thought I knew what marriage would be like, but I was wrong there too. That doesn't make adoption the wrong choice any more that it makes marriage the wrong choice.

I chose a road that few choose. Not because I am better than those who choose single parenting. I know how hard single parent's have it. Been there, doing that.

I chose adoption because I wanted more for this child. Not more material items; she lives with a stay at home mom and a school teacher father. I would guess that her birthfather and I make more individually than they make as a couple.

Financial condition of her parents was not our number one priority. Her birthfather and I were both young and living paycheck to paycheck when we had our first children. That doesn't determine if you will be a good parent. Economics was not the reason for this adoption plan.

I did not want my child to be caught between two households of a mom and a dad who lived apart. (Yes, this is ironic to me now as I long for a more open adoption relationship.) I had no gaurantees that her father and I would still be together 5 years after her birth. Statistically the odds are/were not in our favor. At least with married parents she would have a 50/50 chance.

Above all else, never once did I feel like I was a victim to the 'adoption mill'. I was in control of the entire process. I realize I might be an exception in this area. But it is important to note, that not every adoption has tragedy associated with it.

Do I wish I would have made a different choice? Maybe.

Did I make the wrong choice? No.

I did what I thought was best for my child at the time I had to make a decision. Things have changed since that adoption decision. Life does not come with a manual or a crystal ball. We do the best we can with the circumstances we are presented.

There was no perfect solution to the situation I was in. Neither choice was right or wrong. Brit would have had a good life either way. Both choices would have involved loss for Brit. Not growing up with a married mom and dad, or not growing up in her birthfamily. I had to choose which I thought was better for Brit.

I do second guess my decision. Of course I do. But that still doesn't mean I made the wrong decision. Human nature is to wonder how things would have been different.

Now I am here. This is what we have.

So I will work toward creating the best outcome for the child who had no say in her circumstances. She did not choose to be born to an unwed mother. She did not choose to be adopted.

But like me, she will always have to live with that. So it is up to her parents, BF and me to make the best of what the reality is for her.

I know this is tough.

But this is not tragedy. Brit has a happy life with parents who love her. She also has birthparents who love her very much. That is not tragedy. Her parents did not steal her from me. I handed her over to them willingly, trusting that they would be the parents to her that I could not be.

Sure, Brit will have to deal with her feelings about why she was adopted. I do not want to marginalize this burden that she will have to carry. However, how many of us have had to bear a burden of somthing that we have no control over in our own, biological families? Substance abuse, neglect, mental health issues, even issues as seemingly simple as parents who are just very different from us (even if we have the same gene pool!)?

I am very hopeful that Brit will grow up with a loving understanding of her story. I am also hopeful that she will never have a feeling of abandonment because we will not go away.

I am also very hopeful that her parents will love her so much that they will be willing to allow her to have whatever kind of relationship with she wants with her birthfather and me when she is old enough to ask.

As a parent of my own children, I have a great respect for parents and their place in a child's life, and I will never knowingly overstep my boundaries in Brit's life. I have no delusions of her "coming back" to me as if I was her mother all along. She has a mother, the only mother she has ever known. That will never change.

I am her birthmother. I love her and will always make sure she knows that. I will be available to her in any way that I can be.

Open adoption is hard work. But a healthy open adoption for the sake of a child is possible.

I love Brit and I believe I have a role and obligations to her. And together with her parents, her birthfather and me, we will make this adoption relationship anything but a tragedy.

Thanks

2011-05-13T12:03:00.002-05:00

With Blogger being down, I wasn't able to get back online and post that I was doing better. But thankfully the sadness wasn't too long lived. A big thank you to all of those who sent me words of encouragement.

The real reason I was able to push through (not that the words of encouragement weren't helpful, because they were) was that my day at work got hectic. Which apparently was exactly what I needed on a day that I was having a pity party.

I was forced to pull on my big girl panties and move on. I wouldn't say I got happy, but I definitely got distracted. Funny how that helps.

Then yesterday, in God's divine intervention, Brit's mom emailed a thank you for the mother's day card. Funny how simple words from her can be the salve I need for my heart. No big conversation, just a simple acknowledgement.

To my adoptive parent friends, I hope you realize how much power every interaction from you has over our birthmother emotions. I see it time and time again on birthmom blogs. We wait in angst for an email, phone call, text or letter. Our minds wander to conclusions that are far from the truth. Then we get the communication, and all is well for a while.

Thank you to all of you who are sensitive to this fact and make an effort to continue communication even when it is a hassle. It means the world to us who are watching and waiting from the outside.

So sad

2011-05-11T09:34:00.000-05:00

I just cannot get past the tears this morning. I woke up with a piece of my heart missing. I desperately want to see Brit. Where does this grief come from? Why does it sneak up when I don't expect it? I wasn't ready for this today.

I guess I will just sit at my desk and cry all day. I hate this.

What ever made me think I was strong enough to do this.

Mother's Day weekend - come and gone

2011-05-09T12:31:00.030-05:00

Disclaimer: Post filled with baby pictures and lame details about my weekend. If you would rather not endure the pictures and play by play of my life, scroll down to the area of this post labeled BEING A BIRTHMOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY for my reflections on birthmother's day and Mother's Day as a birthmom.

I filled my weekend with lots of baby time and bonding time with my three sons.

Friday night I kept nephew B overnight. He is just simply an angel. It was perfect. I was even able to entertain guests that evening. Baby B really does love me. I promise he does. Please disregard the look of horror on his face as I kissed him.

Saturday morning B's parents came to pick him up, and while they were there my little Princess (my friend's daughter) was dropped off for my weekend babysitting duty. Which I can hardly call duty considering how much joy it gives me.

We got Princess dressed and ready then we were off to my other nephew's birthday party. While we were there, Princess was held by everyone in the room. We are all suckers for babies. Being the oldest of 5 sisters, you can bet that we all love our baby time when someone brings a baby to family functions.

Sister #3 with Princess

My mom with Princess

Sister #2 carrying Princess

The sweetest words spoken that day came from my 12 year old LanMan when he looked at the Princess before we walked out the door and he said "She is just so pretty! I am so glad we get to keep her." melt.my.heart

That afternoon I dropped the boys off at their dad's house and went to BF's house so I could gather up his two boys and take them to a photo session as a surprise for their dad's bday (which is today - Happy Bday C! Enjoy 39!)

Because Princess fell asleep before I was heading out the door, BF said he would be glad to keep her so I had my hands free while I was with his boys. He is so good with that baby. BF was definitely designed to be a dad.

The boys and I did the picture thing, got a frozen yogurt and headed back to the house. By the time I got there Princess had been picked up by her momma, who got off work early. So being baby-free, we headed off to the movies to celebrate BF's bday by watching Thor in 3D.

Sunday, Princess was dropped off early in the morning again and I got her ready and took her to church with me. Where they all gush over her too. Then it was back to BF's house for a Mother's Day lunch with him and his extended family. They were a little shocked to see me walk in the door with a baby in a carrier. I think they were very confused.

The boys and I spent the rest of the day at BF's house just hanging out. We went home around 8:30pm where we settled down for the night and Princess was picked up at 9:30pm.

We were all worn out from a day of fun. Sleep came easily to all of us. So easily as a matter of fact, I didn't call my OWN mother and wish her Happy Mother's Day after Princess left (like I had planned to). So I had better make a really apologetic call today. Thank heavens I have 4 other sisters who probably didn't drop the ball like I did!

BEING A BIRTHMOTHER ON MOTHER'S DAY
I was thankful for the time with Princess and baby B this weekend. It consumed my attention so I didn't shed any tears of loss and grief for my dear sweet Brit, who was distinctly missing from the weekend festivities.

I have made up my mind that Birthmother's Day is too painful for me right now. I love that people use it to acknowledge the multitude of birthmothers who have chosen adoption for their children. But it is too hard for me because I am not acknowledged in any way as being Brit's birthmother. Neither on Birthmother's Day or Mother's Day. BF says nothing of it, and Brit's parents do not acknowledge it either.

Last year when that happened, I nearly had a breakdown. I had just given birth to Brit about 6 weeks before and the wound to my heart was deep and fresh. Compound the hormonal imbalance of being post-partum, with the fact that NO ONE acknowledged Brit's relationship to me during the Mother's Day weekend, I was a disaster.

So this year I prepared myself in advance. I had no expectations of acknowledgement. I knew that thoughts of Brit and how she was spending her mother's day would just be my own personal torture. Expectations met. I did send Brit's mom a mother's day card, telling her I am grateful she is the mother of Brit and wishing her a happy Mother's Day. I hope she received it and it brought her joy.

Thankfully I was so busy that I didn't dwell much on the loss of the day. I didn't cry. I laughed with my boys and enjoyed the present as it was.

But I would be lying if I said that I didn't pretend that the sleeping angel in my lap was the daughter I was missing.

I know this will get better. Maybe when Brit gets old enough, she will want to reach out to me on Mother's Day. That will sure be nice if she does.

So I will leave no on a happier note. My 18 year old son J thought this would be the best way to give me Mother's Day wishes.

My rearview as I took the kids to school this morning

I guess I know what I will be doing tonight after work. Carwash here I come.

Prom Pictures

2011-05-05T14:08:00.001-05:00

I forgot to post these last week. My first child at his last prom. I will be the mother of a high school graduate in just a couple of weeks. WOW!

The bottles

2011-05-05T09:15:00.000-05:00

The Princess - all smiles

I unloaded the dishwasher last night and saw that I had two bottles in there. It immediately put a smile on my face. Only two more days until another weekend with the Princess baby.

Baby B eating his first birthday cake

And I get a super added bonus, I get to keep my nephew B overnight Friday night while his parents celebrate their anniversary. It will be his first time away from them all night. I feel so lucky. I love that baby boy so much. I seriously can hardly wait.

Such a happy little guy!

I sure love feeling joy like this. Thank you God for bringing me two beautiful distractions that let me share my love with them.

Baby love and hindsight

2011-05-01T20:25:00.001-05:00

So I have spent the weekend loving a 4 month old little girl. **smiling**

The good news is her momma has asked if I will do the same every weekend. I agreed unless I have something that would prohibit me from taking the Princess along with me. Looking ahead I don't see anything that would fit that bill. Hooray!

I know my last post was a bit apprehensive about how I would feel caring for a little girl. It turned out exactly how I hoped. Instead of pain, it was therapeutic.

She is the best baby. Happy most all of the time. Just a joy to have around for all of us.

And for all of you adoptive parents who read this, you'll love this one...

BF and I had a date night planned for Saturday night prior to me committing to watching the Princess. We decided to go ahead and bring her along with us since we were just going out to dinner. We knew that our dinner would be a little late because we were going to meet up with my 18 year old son to take pictures before he headed off to his senior prom.

We took the obligatory pictures (I will post them tomorrow.). The teenagers were quickly fed up with all of us parents snapping hundreds of photos. I believe it is our parental right. And my son knew he had to bear it, because I would insist. :)

After pictures, BF and I had trouble finding a restaurant that wasn't packed with prom dates. We were finally able to get in at Outback. I'm sure we were quite the sight, two almost 40 year olds acting like we had never carried a baby in a carrier before in our lives. Let's just say we were a bit rusty. It has been a day or two since our kids were that little (more like a DECADE).

People would come by as we sat in the waiting area and ooh and ahh over the baby as she slept. We didn't say anything about her not being ours. We just agreed that she is beautiful. (Photo to prove it. Don't mind the bow that slipped down her forehead, I didn't want to wake her by fixing it while she slept. I did fix it later.)

So we finally get seated and our over-exuberant waitress comes by. She looks at the baby and says "How precious! Is she your first? She sure looks just like you!"

I giggled, looked at BF then replied. "Actually she would be our 6th child, if she was ours. But we are just babysitting."

I thought that was pretty funny. Princess looks nothing like us. Not even remotely. I still smile when I think about it. Maybe that is just a waitress line to get better tips. Whatever it was, it did make us laugh.

So we enjoyed our dinner and we were thoroughly entertained by the Princess. It was very nice to have her along with us. We took turns talking and playing with her. We were just like first time parents. I am sure we were pretty darn cute.

But that is one of the happy/sad things that I felt this weekend.

BF absolutely doted on that little girl. He held her, fed her, and let her sleep in the crook of his arm. He tickled her face when she was awake and offered many times to take her from me so I could get ready, or eat, or whatever other thing I had to do next.

That was really hard to watch. Knowing that he and I had a little girl together that we could have been doing all of those same things with. If he were a deadbeat, this never would have been an issue. But he is a terrific father.

Watching him with Princess hurt my heart. I loved watching him gush over her and be so attentive. But that little voice in the back of my mind that makes me second guess my adoption decision kept saying "see what it COULD have been like".

It also hurt to remember that BF absolutely, without a doubt, did not want to parent another child when I told him I was pregnant. In his mind, there was no viable scenario that included keeping our child.

He didn't want me to parent a child alone, but he also had no intentions of committing to me. He was done with kids. No negotiation. He didn't want the responsibility of another child.

He also didn't want me to keep her because he felt like he would be obligated for a child he didn't plan for.

Now in my rational mind, I know that alot of the things said during this time were during a period of shock for both of us. Neither of us had any idea that we were capable of having more children, so an unexpected pregnancy was unbelievable. Stress and shock do not create the most thoughtful comments or actions.

But that same man, who couldn't even fathom parenting another child, loved all over Princess. I felt a deep sense of loss watching it. It was almost like seeing in a crystal ball what "could have been" had I made a different choice.

Hindsight. Regret. And unrealistic expectations of the "what could have beens."

Truth be told, had I kept Brit, it probably would not have ended well for BF and me. The stress of parenting a child from two separate households would have taken a toll on our relationship.

I probably would have been resentful, thinking it wasn't fair that BF wasn't helping enough.

He would have been resentful that I made him parent a child that he did not plan for and that he had no control over whether I kept or not. (The age old issue of a woman having all the 'rights' to maintain a pregnancy or keep a child. No matter what the father wants.)

I am smart enough to know that keeping a baby for a weekend is nothing like parenting day in and day out. When Princess went home with her momma this evening, I knew I had the rest of the night to myself. My boys are big enough that I can have alone time without having to be a hands on parent. I can even go potty alone!

If I would have parented Brit, I would have been exhausted all the time. My temper short. My stress level even higher than it is today. Brit would have definitely not gotten the best of me. She would have gotten what was left over from a working single mother. She would have spent lots of nights out late at ball games. Many hours in daycare.

Instead, Brit has a stay at home mom (Not that I think working moms can't be great moms. I'm one and happy with it most days.) She has never spent a single day in daycare. Her daddy comes home every evening and loves all over her. The world revolves around her (until her twin brother and sister are born!). If you could paint an ideal babyhood, she has had it. (Knowing that she has no idea she is adopted yet.)

I am glad I didn't know how painful being a birthmother would be before I chose adoption for Brit. If I had, I would not have made the decision I did. That doesn't mean that the decision was wrong. I think it is just human nature to make the choice that hurts the least. And being exhausted some days would beat a lifetime of grief any day.

So I remind myself that those icky feelings of regret are no different than ones everyone has when we second guess ourselves and our decisions.

Should I have married the man I did?
What if I would have taken that other job instead?
Did we make a mistake moving?

We all have these kinds of questions. The difference is how we deal with them.

If I let it, it could consume me. And boy, oh boy, do those feelings try to consume me.

I have to consciously decide that I cannot change the decisions I have made. I am the sum of my experiences. We all make decisions based on the best information we have available at the time. Hindsight is always much more clear. But looking back keeps me from looking forward.

Brit is happy. I did what I thought was best at the time when I had to decide.

I never could get the picture when she was smiling. Go figure!

So I will love on the little Princess I have with me on the weekends and I will be a blessing to her mother by caring for her child while she works. Hopefully I can alleviate some of Sara's stress by caring for her daughter. I will do my part to be part of the village that it can take to raise a child. In return, loving Princess will soothe my soul.

I will not be jealous of Sara because she has her daughter and I do not. I will rejoice that Sara has her daughter with her so she does not have to feel the loss of a birthmother.

I will rejoice in watching BF love on her too.

I will focus on what IS, not what I think I could have had.

I will know that I made a decision for the best for my child. I will not regret choosing what I thought was best for her, not what was best for me.

I will remember that just because I don't have the relationship I wish I had with Brit right now, it may not be like that forever. Time heals. My love for Brit will not wane. I will be steadfast and always available for her.

I will love on the sweet Princess who God has placed in my life for reasons I may not ever fully understand. There is a reason our lives have intertwined.

I will be fully present to the boys I do parent. I will not allow my grief to affect their joy. I will be the parent to them that they deserve.

And I will seek God's will for my life, rather than trying to figure it out on my own.