tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post1161779361661049740..comments2023-09-25T03:51:15.327-05:00Comments on Living through today: My struggleLisaAnnehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06436140358037471855noreply@blogger.comBlogger89125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-2737292890286506122013-03-23T10:21:06.852-05:002013-03-23T10:21:06.852-05:00Thank you, Lisa! Yes, I meant to say something abo...Thank you, Lisa! Yes, I meant to say something about open adoption, but I was interrupted by awakening family members and didn't manage to finish (or proofread - egad!) my comments. :-)Rebecca Hawkeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10736626549316682171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-4100578697374542022013-03-23T09:34:56.924-05:002013-03-23T09:34:56.924-05:00Perfectly stated Rebecca.
Emily I do hope you con...Perfectly stated Rebecca.<br /><br />Emily I do hope you continue to educate yourself on the beauty of OPEN adoption. The fullness it creates for the adoptee.<br /><br />If you read through my blog you will find many fine examples.<br /><br />Please, please, please educate yourself before you speak on behalf of what is best for adoptees.<br /><br />Wishing you the best in your research.LisaAnnehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06436140358037471855noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-50140832728187468422013-03-23T08:34:46.541-05:002013-03-23T08:34:46.541-05:00Dear Emily,
You're take on the matter reflect...Dear Emily, <br />You're take on the matter reflects beliefs that are commonly accepted among adoptive and pre-adoptive parents and many in the broader society. But for many adoptees and original parents the reality is very different. We do not stop being connected to each other simply because a piece of paper has been signed and because a societal construct says we are no longer related. That's the big lie of adoption: that the socially-created new family undoes the old one. It doesn't. But it does cause a great deal of pain to those of us who are forced to exist within this ill-fitting construct. You wrote "That physical difference you mentioned- that needs to not exist and not matter." It does exist! It does matter! It matters to the adoptee. Please add blogs by adult adoptees to you reading list. Here are a few to start with: http://www.adopteerestoration.com/<br />http://www.declassifiedadoptee.com/<br />http://www.laura-dennis.com/<br />There are many more good ones (and I apologize to everyone I've left out but I need to run)<br /><br />Rebecca Hawkeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10736626549316682171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-41051954728331267662013-03-23T02:58:01.849-05:002013-03-23T02:58:01.849-05:00I am trying to go back and read your past posts an...I am trying to go back and read your past posts and see if you and the adoptive family outlined what your expectations were for each other somewhere, because right now I'm confused. Everybody above seemes unequivocaly on your side so there must have been a big shift in behavior. <br /><br />I am contemplating adoption at some point in my future so I want to make sure I'm seeing everything. I also intend on starting graduate school in the fall and will be working in the family courts. This is going to be my stuff. I want to make sure I get it. <br /><br />I probably follow a dozen or so adoption blogs, about 75% from adoptive families and 25% from adoptive moms and have for more than 4 years. Long term following. <br /><br />As I've gone back and read more and more and more of your posts and especially this one, it just sounds like you are really in the midst of your grief still for this child and haven't accepted that she is a part of a new family yet. <br /><br />Yes, you are her "family" but you are her family of origin, not the family she will be raised in. It's different, and she needs to bond and be cohesive with the family she will be raised in- so she knows NO DIFFERENCE. That physical difference you mentioned- that needs to not exist and not matter. Not to them, not to you, not to anyone. And in order for that to happen, they might need some distance. You want to pull closer because you miss her. But that might not be what is best for her. This is her family. These are her parents. That doesn't mean you aren't important or valued; you gave her life, you are invaluable. But in a different way. This uncle, this extended family she has- This IS her family. I don't think it's selfish. I think it's pivotal. I think this is the challenge in adopting to a family so nearby. You had an expectation of more intimacy, and they need space in order to establish the intimacy within their own family.<br /><br />I don't think there's anything wrong with having children close in age, or not having lots of money. It doesn't mean you won't have a lovely, happy wonderful life. <br /><br />You trusted them to place your child with them, and you have to trust them that they will raise her to be a wonderful child. You have to step back from the judgements because you don't really know what goes on in their house, you can only guess, and yes, that is because they are limiting information, but they are doing that to protect themselves- from your judgement. <br /><br />Keep venting... Talk to a counselor in addition to your birth mom support groups. If this is a case of them totally misrepresenting the type of adoption you would have, that is really unfortunate, and not fair. But, trust she is going to be okay. She gets to have siblings close in age to her, lots of playmates, she gets to be the PRINCESS forever! She has the privilege of being the oldest and leading the pack. She will have a stay at home mom and she is going to boss those boys around like nobody's business and it will be wonderful, I know it. <br /><br />I hope things keep getting better. <br /><br />Emily Heizer Photographyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13483149630816603197noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-66650575704322786432013-01-26T16:48:42.499-06:002013-01-26T16:48:42.499-06:00This anonymous posting situation is the sickest th...This anonymous posting situation is the sickest thing I've ever witnessed. I'm fairly certain I know who this person is as well. When there is a long thread of comments on a birthparent blog, especially with regard to openness, she is usually there starting it. I could link you to her comments on other birthparent blogs reaching years back. Adoptive parents have tried to reason with her. Adoptees have tried to reason with her. Birthparents have tried to reason with her. She speaks for others. Tells others they're bitter or in denial or ignorant if they do not agree with her. What a sad, sorry life to stay up around the clock preying on birthparents on their blogs. Her behavior is pathological and beyond any reason. Once she gets discovered on a comment section, she often says she "gives up" trying to educate those who disagree with her. But she always eventually returns. Often, she then begins contacting the blogger or others who have commented via email. She tends toward the passive aggressive. She has been caught in lies. She tells others what they should and should not believe and feel and think. When she has no other argument left she cites the signed paper. I hope that other birthparents who read your blog will consider this source if their blogs are also targeted. Nobody who wished someone well would behave this way. It's ill and I'm sorry, Lisa, that you've had to deal with it on top of your sorrow.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-30741397389313554142013-01-21T13:03:56.201-06:002013-01-21T13:03:56.201-06:00Lisa, my heart breaks for you, but I thank you for...Lisa, my heart breaks for you, but I thank you for sharing your story so eloquently. As far as the anonymous poster is concerned (who does indded sound suspiciously like a well-known adopter troll who preys on BM blogs), I am growing weary of her suppositions about how adopted people feel. I am an adopted adult and a mother of loss (in a sealed, coercive Catholic adoption in 1978). I am, thankfully, reunited with both my natural mum in Ireland as well as my daughter, now 34. But it was not without the scrapes and bumps of scaling mountain-high walls of secrecy and lies.<br /><br />Please stop speaking as if you understand what we go through, anon. Considering that most relinquishment paperwork is signed while mothers are still under the influence of natal medications (including lactation supressants), post-partum depression and any number of other mitigating conditions, it's a wonder any adoption contract would hold up in law. And agencies do a woefully poor job of explaining what exactly "open" adoption is, how it's not legally enforceable in any but a few states, and what the long-term effects of loss are. So spare us your discourse on Lisa's "making a choice." Society grants us precious few choices, most of which aren't presented to us at time of relinquishment, and it certainly doesn't allow us to grieve the children we lost. So pandering here is a waste of time and isn't contributing anything to the conversation. Find someplace else to troll.<br /><br />The rest of us will go on appreciating Lisa's words and hope that one day they *can* be shared with Brit.mtsteedhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03117493440116582297noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-80241714341219829722013-01-18T16:54:06.931-06:002013-01-18T16:54:06.931-06:00Yes, if it's who I think it is, she spends her...Yes, if it's who I think it is, she spends her time harassing birthparents on their blogs ever since closing an open adoption based on some events that occurred in her home that had nothing to do with the birthparents.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-9259705874190697162013-01-17T23:35:08.940-06:002013-01-17T23:35:08.940-06:00Thank you remaining Anonymous. :) I don't know...Thank you remaining Anonymous. :) I don't know who she is. And I have already figured out that you can't "teach" her anything about adoption, because she doesn't want to know. I am using this opportunity on Lisa's blog to educate expectant mothers and offer support to Lisa. I figure the more she talks, the more expectant moms will understand how SOME adoptive people still think. "you signed the paper, you're not mom."Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-18248086063575054652013-01-17T22:12:54.378-06:002013-01-17T22:12:54.378-06:00And, yes, if it's who I think it is, she is an...And, yes, if it's who I think it is, she is an adoptive parent who sometimes pretends to be an adoptee. I'm remaining anonymous for self protection.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-50529193029264471672013-01-17T22:04:05.821-06:002013-01-17T22:04:05.821-06:00I believe I know who anon is. Exactly the same sy...I believe I know who anon is. Exactly the same syntax/points/and focus as other posts that have appeared on birthparent blogs for several years. If so, I've watched many people attempt to reason with this person and it always has come back to the signing of papers. It doesn't matter what a mother was told or what prospective adoptive parents said prior to the adoption. If it is this person, the signed paper (no matter what engendered the signing) tends to be the end point.<br /><br />Another AnonAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-54330347963723464902013-01-17T21:59:49.432-06:002013-01-17T21:59:49.432-06:00No, I did not not misinterpret anything you wrote,...No, I did not not misinterpret anything you wrote, I don't believe. You are exactly right, it isn't any of those things. And that is exactly what expectant moms do need to know. I don't know everything about the situation with Lisa and Brit. I'm sure you don't either. Who knows what they discussed besides her and the adoptive parents? None of us, for sure. But I'll tell you what I do know. Adoption is none of those things because that baby is now "their baby" with one mommy and one daddy. And that's how they want it. If you love your child enough and feel secure enough in their love for you, there would be no qualms in a more open arrangement. I have that by the way. I know it's possible and can work. My 16 year old son calls us both mom. He spends time at my house any time he wants. We call each other mom. My raised kids and him call each other brother and sister. I take him to school, and pick him up at times. They are comfortable because me and his other mom are comfortable. I do know that if I only saw someone once a year for a couple of hours, and they were not my family, I wouldn't really care to see them. And if Brit is raised that way, she will do one of 2 things. She will get mad at her adoptive parents if they refuse to give more time, or she will lose interest in seeing Lisa at all. My guess is they are hoping for the latter. I do believe that open adoption can be a beautiful thing. But not like this one is going. Sure, Lisa sees pictures and gets an email once a month, and a visit once a year. And that is MUCH BETTER than some mothers get. But it still leaves a lot to be desired. My situation is idyllic, and I know a lot of people couldn't pull it off. But in my opinion, that is adoption the way it should be. It is about the fact that it took 4 of us to make him who he is today. Me and his father for creating him. His adoptive parents for raising him the best they could. And he is a great young man. With 4 parents, and 6 siblings between the 2 families that make up his immediate family.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-35405920347440500242013-01-17T20:36:35.017-06:002013-01-17T20:36:35.017-06:00"Mothers pay attention! They can promise you ..."Mothers pay attention! They can promise you the world, give you nothing, and there is no recourse. Because as Anonymous so bluntly put it.... you are not the parent any more after that paper is signed. There are some wonderful adoptive parents out there. And there are some that will stoop to any level to get "their baby!"<br /><br />Loving Mother:<br /><br />I think you’re misinterpreting what I wrote. My main point was: open adoption is not co-parenting, foster care or a joint custody agreement( which I believe many bmoms think it is). You are giving-up your responsibilities/rights as a parent, and if you have other children, there is no guarantee that the child you place and the child/children you kept will see each other as siblings. <br /><br />In short, raise your child! Also, as I have stated before, Lisa and the aparents DID NOT discuss visits in the past- and they do send updates and have visits, so how are they being deceitful and "stooping to any level to get a child" ?<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-46528330365220404882013-01-17T19:34:33.294-06:002013-01-17T19:34:33.294-06:00Thank you Anonymous! This is exactly what expectan...Thank you Anonymous! This is exactly what expectant mothers need to know. I am glad we found something we can agree on. There are NO guarantees in adoption! <br /><br />Mothers pay attention! They can promise you the world, give you nothing, and there is no recourse. Because as Anonymous so bluntly put it.... you are not the parent any more after that paper is signed. There are some wonderful adoptive parents out there. And there are some that will stoop to any level to get "their baby!"Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-25141440504345631862013-01-17T16:38:37.711-06:002013-01-17T16:38:37.711-06:00Thank you for the chance to clarify. I can see I d...Thank you for the chance to clarify. I can see I did not make myself clear. I intended to speculate on what children in general are capable of understanding, and I told my story, as I believe MommySquared did, as a way of illustrating how well open adoption can work. I actually don't believe that any of us can know exactly what Brit will feel about her bfam, afam, or her adoptedness, but we do know that most adoptees experience a range of complex emotions throughout their lives. The old closed adoption system has already been proven inadequate in terms of how adoptees process all of this. Semi-open is not a significant improvement; it's token openness without a true spirit of openness. But from all that I have experienced and read, truly open adoptions do seem to be the best option in terms of helping the adopted child process their feelings about adoptedness, _whatever_ those feelings may be. The child grows up knowing they can be open and ask questions, and the can look to all of their parents to help them make sense of things. In the acceptance of the bio fam by the adoptive fam, they experience a fuller acceptance of themselves. <br /><br />You (anonymous) wrote: "There is no guarantee that your children will see each other as siblings (they will have different parents, be raised in a different home, with different morals and values). Nor is there any guarantee that your child and/or aparents will want to have a relationship with you." In this I am absolutely in agreement with you! Though I support openness when adoption does happen (and frequent contact unless safety prohibits), I am not an adoption cheerleader. In most cases, I believe it is preferable for the child to be raised in the biological family if at all possible. <br /><br />But open up your Yellow Pages to Adoption and tell me what you see. In mine I find a whole bunch of warm and fuzzy ads promising expectant moms (or "birthmoms" as they are called in the ads) that they can pick "whatever level of contact they want." That's how adoption is sold by the agencies when they are trying to get a hold of the babies. But you are absolutely right -- open adoption contracts are rarely enforceable. And yes, Lisa's story is a good warning to other mothers who might be considering adoption, assuming openness is part of the plan.<br /> <br />And of course, that's one of the reasons she tells her story.Rebecca Hawkeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10736626549316682171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-41875247121824045822013-01-17T15:45:59.203-06:002013-01-17T15:45:59.203-06:00Rebecca:
What you wrote is an assumption of what ...Rebecca:<br /><br />What you wrote is an assumption of what may happen or how the child may feel (which is the same thing you wrote in your rebuttal to me and my opinion. <br /><br />The bottom line, I think, is that everyone is basing the situation on how his or her child/children have reacted to being adopted. Each child is different and there is no guarantee that Lisa's child will want to know her (even if there were visits)! <br /><br />What we do know is the child's parents are in contact with Lisa but not at the level Lisa wants it to be( I get and respect how she feels. However, we have to remember, Lisa is not the parent-and the aparents are doing the best they can (for now) despite not having any agreement about visits or updates in the past. <br /><br />What I think I am "hearing" is Lisa's feelings/desires should supersede the aparents, but that not how it is in adoption ( nor should it be). <br /><br />This conversation,and comments, should serve as an example to expectant mothers (in particularly those who have children already) that adoption is not foster care, co-parenting or an alternative to parenting. There is no guarantee that your children will see each other as siblings (they will have different parents, be raised in a different home, with different morals and values). Nor is there any guarantee that your child and/or aparents will want to have a relationship with you. <br /><br />Lisa,out of curiosity, what kind of relationship did you envision with your achild?<br /><br /><br />Once again, I wish you the bestAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-64394571714604758542013-01-17T10:53:24.734-06:002013-01-17T10:53:24.734-06:00Or, I should say, it is a completely different sit...Or, I should say, it is a completely different situation from what Brit's situation would be if her a-family were to adopt a true spirit of openness.<br /><br />Pardon all they typos in my previous comments. Typing quickly.Rebecca Hawkeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10736626549316682171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-27879344845434496442013-01-17T10:43:53.537-06:002013-01-17T10:43:53.537-06:00"I HATE going to that place where they all ad..."I HATE going to that place where they all adore me and shower me with undivided attention," said no child ever. Seriously, the "uniqueness" of Brit's situation does not change this. Children can feel love. They can tell when people like having them around. The abstractness of "giving away" and "wanting vs. not wanting" is something that will come up for her; yes, of course, she will have questions, but those questions can be addressed in loving, supportive conversation by both sets of parents. And it is much better that they be so addresses! Children ARE capable of understanding that circumstances change over time. My daughter understands it; MommySquared's daughter's understand it. It's actually not that difficult of a concept to understand at all when combined with actual evidence of present-day evidence of love, affection, and a desire for relationship and connection. In the absence of that, yes, one might feel rejected. But it is actually very difficult for a child to feel rejected by someone who is embracing them warmly in the present moment, showering them with love; our brains don't work that way. An adoptee who grew up in the closed system and was never able to process feelings of rejection as they matured might reach adulthood so scarred by the experience that they could not let the love in, even if the bparent greeted them warmly in reunion. Yes, that does happen. But it is a completely different situation from Brit's. Rebecca Hawkeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10736626549316682171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-34402102094615379872013-01-17T10:11:10.407-06:002013-01-17T10:11:10.407-06:00MommySquared wrote, "my husband created origi...MommySquared wrote, "my husband created original songs for each girl about who they are and how we became a family and who is their family." I love this!<br />As you know, my daughter also has a relationship with the sibs being raised in the bio fam. Lots of people expressed all kinds of concern about this. Wouldn't she be "devastated" that they were being raised bmom when she wasn't? Uh, no. Her instant response to learning about first brother was "when can I meet him?" She did actually experience some negativity when she learned that her mother was pregnant with the youngest sib, but she was able talk through all of her emotions with me prior to the birth. And then she met her baby brother, in the hospital, the day after his birth and fell in love. They are so close now ... and absolutely adorable together. Anonymous will say this is a different situation because the sibs were born later, but it's actually not so different. A certain amount of jealousy is normal in all sib relationships, but it's something that can be worked through, and is better approached openly than ignored or avoided. It's certainly no reason to avoid relationship. I'm so glad we didn't let fear get in our way of it. Our lives, and our daughter's life, would be so much less rich if we had!Rebecca Hawkeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10736626549316682171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-371081865598540782013-01-17T09:06:38.296-06:002013-01-17T09:06:38.296-06:00Rebecca & Jeannette I agree and let me add a f...Rebecca & Jeannette I agree and let me add a few points as a mom through adoption with children who have loving family relationships with all of their family ~it is NORMAL they know no other way ... there is no resistance to spending time with their family whether it is in our home or we meet at their home or wherever. <br /><br />Both of our girls have siblings through a birth parent and they know them some better than others because of geography. Yes there will be questions of why am I living with you and they are living with them, yes they will be hard questions, but you know what we know that and the best part is the adults in the situation are available to talk and share about the hard decisions that came at the time of their birth with them directly. We as the raising parents are ready to share what we know and have already started to get some questions about it from our 6 and 4 year olds.<br /><br />The problem here is you cannot hide from normal curiosity of a child. We have talked with our children about how we became a family since they were born ... my husband created original songs for each girl about who they are and how we became a family and who is their family. We say our prayers and give thanks for the family and the choices others made to help us become a family. We talk to our girls about who they were born to who they look like and how we all love them all of us together. Our girls have had this as part of their lives forever. They know their whole family in fact birthfathers have rejoined our family just recently and you know what our girls did? Welcomed them with open arms and love because we did too!<br /><br />The piece here that is missing is what the affects of witholding will be for Brit. I believe her parents are not being malicious just fearful, fearful to allow their daughter to love her family in its entirety. <br /><br />My husband and I had the benefit of information, education and community as we built our family a community of other families just like ours. It is not something overnight you can say yes yes this is how I will have my family. But the understanding of a relationship built by adults for the benefit of the child they all love is what makes it real ...<br /><br />MommySquaredhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07394551261768566946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-5960967170047250582013-01-17T07:46:26.822-06:002013-01-17T07:46:26.822-06:00I agree with "anonymous" that no child s...I agree with "anonymous" that no child should be forced to have visitation with a parent against their will, but a child-centered arrangement starts with visitation, openness, and true relationship. If the a-parents have met the b-parents with warmth and openness and communicated acceptance to the child regarding the child's feelings for the b-family, whatever they may be, and the child expresses reluctance or hesitation regarding the visits, then yes, certainly the a-parents should respond accordingly. But projecting a lot of assumptions onto the child from the start is a very different matter. I do understand that the current arrangement is what best suits the a-parents, but raising an adopted child is very different from raising a biological child. You can't just plunk the child down in a new family and pretend they are no different than as if they were born into it; that's what the old system tried to do and it was a _complete failure_. I understand that Brit's parents are well-meaning, but I see them adhering to old ways that have already proven disastrous. <br />I have a busy life, too, but I will never be too busy for my daughter's bio fam. They are a part of _her_, and so they will always be prioritized in our life. It's true that when life get's busy many things fall by the wayside, but family is family. I wish people would understand that when they adopt a child they do not bring a single child into their lives; the child comes with a network of pre-established connections, whether acknowledged or not. The old system is a lie and does not acknowledge the child's true situation. It is an attempt to force a false reality onto the child because it is what is convenient for others. And this is precisely what so many adoptees of my generation are so angry about. I really wish that people would not adopt at all if they are not willing and able to take on the the complex and difficult job -- the "sacred task," to quote Martha Crawford LCSW -- of adoptive parenting.Rebecca Hawkeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10736626549316682171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-19616629109991573472013-01-17T07:24:17.122-06:002013-01-17T07:24:17.122-06:00@anonymous above me....
"things change when...@anonymous above me.... <br /><br />"things change when a child is born-people get busy and now that they have more children, it will become busier-it’s call life as a family."<br /><br />It's called, don't make promises to someone you have no intentions of keeping, just to ensure you get her infant from her. <br /><br />Lisa and her family have a "life" too, as many natural mothers do, but that would not stop them from doing anything they could to see and spend time with their child, as promised by the adopters. There is no excuse for such cold hearted treachery. None. Call me Karennoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-89578237522498481382013-01-17T04:00:47.945-06:002013-01-17T04:00:47.945-06:00Rebecca and Jeannette:
Have you ever thought thi...Rebecca and Jeannette:<br /> <br />Have you ever thought this is all the aparents want for now? That they are trying to maintain communication with Lisa while being a family? They do send pictures/updates and have yearly visits. Moreover, we don't know if the child will like having visits as they grow older. I would be upset, as an adoptee, to be forced to have visit with my bfamily knowing that my bparents kept their other kids, but not me! It’s like forcing me to have a relationship with them despite the fact they did not want to raise me- which I believe can traumatize a person ( i.e. you come to visit but so what). We don't know if the child will benefit from having visits or not (because of this complex situation). She may resent Lisa or she may not, we don’t know. But we do know they are sending letters/pictures and have visits, which is more than what others have. <br /><br />I feel for Lisa because they started out with open communication and now it has diminished but as I have said before, things change when a child is born-people get busy and now that they have more children, it will become busier-it’s call life as a family.<br /><br />Lisa,<br /><br />I wish you the best.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-92231507969274274172013-01-16T17:25:05.650-06:002013-01-16T17:25:05.650-06:00Anonymous - since Rebecca is an adoptee and has li...Anonymous - since Rebecca is an adoptee and has lived adoption we should listen to her and her voice. Genetic mirroring is important. <br /><br />When you sign away your rights but are told by the agency about "open adoption" it gives you a glimmer of hope. You think you are doing the best thing. Giving your child everything a moom and dad who are married but still giving the child yourself. Yes Lisa signed away her rights that is true. She initiated the act of seperating her children. But the adopters are continuing it. They are making sure that Brit is excluded from her family. They are building a rift between siblings.<br /><br />If Brit ever finds out she was seperated like this after Lisa(her mom) asked for more visits and communication you will see one angry person. She might be angry with Lisa or her a-parents. I cannot say. Even if she does not tell her a-parents the hurt will stil be there. <br /><br />Watching my nieces who grew up with out there dad (not adopted but without half of their family) there has been anger and hurt. They do not take it out on their mom or dad but they are still hurt they have abandonment issues. How can Brit be any different really? She is growing up without half of her family? <br /><br />Isn't adoption about putting the child first? sn't adoption supposed to be about love? Isn't it a selfless act? We can't have it both ways. Either it is about the child or it is not.Jeannettehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10031950274392571035noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-44396032255645485282013-01-16T15:55:10.841-06:002013-01-16T15:55:10.841-06:00Lisa created the original separation, but the apar...Lisa created the original separation, but the aparents are keeping it alive and widening it. And it doesn't have to be that way. We can't change what Lisa and BF did. If they could, they would, but that moment is past. The aparents are making choices in the present day. Rebecca Hawkeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10736626549316682171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1222186000472192475.post-63805915826457425812013-01-16T15:49:39.082-06:002013-01-16T15:49:39.082-06:00The repeated emphasis on Lisa signing the papers i...The repeated emphasis on Lisa signing the papers is almost laughable to me. That the big, twisted joke of my own life. My mother's signing of papers did not end her connection to me, nor mine to her. The suppression of my original birth certificate did not end it. Thirty years of separation did not end it (though that part did cause both of us pain). Adoption (and especially closed adoption) is a cultural institution that does not reflect the way many adoptees continue to feel about our original families. Yes, Lisa made a choice and I have never heard her deny responsibility, though I see her express grief and regret. But I and many others here are trying to turn the focus to Brit and what she needs. She needs genetic mirroring (and if you grew up with biological relatives, don't try to tell me this is isn't important -- you don't know what it is like to live without it); she needs to know who she is and where she came from; she needs connection not separation. When adoptees of the old closed system talk about our struggles, these are the things we often focus on. Open adoption may not be perfect, but it is less harsh than the attempt to completely severe the child from her origins. I don't blame my adoptive parents for keeping me separated from my bfam, for not finding a way for me to have what _only_ they could give me in addition to what my adoptive family offered, because the closed system was there was in my day. The research supporting the benefits of openness for the child was not available to them. But if I had grown up to find out that they had purposely kept me from a mother who wanted a relationship and reached out to try to create one, kept me from siblings, from my original father -- I can only imagine but "rage" is the first word that comes to mind. Anger and hurt. As it was, my amother helped me to reconnect with my bmother when the time came for me to do so as an adult, and I feel a warmth toward my amom when I think of that. I see this in my adaughter too. Her bond with me and with my husband _strengthened_ as we began to facilitate more visits with her first mom. I do believe that Brit's parents have her best interest at heart. I just wish they could see what so many us who are living open adoption today understand -- how profoundly it contributes to the child's well-being.<br /><br />Rebecca Hawkeshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10736626549316682171noreply@blogger.com